Catheline's POV:
Last night gave me relief.
But the next morning put me back into the hole of uncertainty and fear I buried myself in.
I woke up earlier than Xander, one hour to be precise. Many times I wanted to wake him up so that he could give me advice. It sounded selfish so I let him sleep. I wore the gown that was discarded on the floor, or whatever was left of it.
Xander struggled with the knots and was so frustrated that he simply ripped the dress off of me.
I brushed and attempted to get all the incidents of whatever we did last night out of my head. I contemplated getting dressed and waiting for my family, even if there were seven hours left for their arrival. In the end, I just sat on the bed, clutching my sword in a painful grasp. I didn't know why but I felt like it.
"Morning, love."
I felt a hand run around my back and sighed before I felt him pressing against me. I moved back and let him kiss my neck before resting his forehead against me. His warm breath tickled down my back, which was left exposed because of what he had done.
"I'm scared," I admitted, leaning onto him.
He looked shocked, his hair in an untidy and yet, beautiful mess of golden brown. "My Queen isn't afraid of anything. Remember how you managed to tackle that envoy from Sulfia all on our own?"
I blushed and then remembered that I hadn't told him the truth about what happened in that council chamber. Over the past few weeks, we have been very busy with our sorrows and ordeals. I placed my sword on the side of the bed and pulled my legs onto the bed.
"I haven't told you something," I untangled myself from him. "The envoy I had a meeting with wasn't just a normal man...the King himself disguised-"
"What!?" Xander's jaw dropped before he closed it and held his forehead. "No, no. What the hell?"
I bit my lip nervously, looking at my hands. I wished that I had done this sooner but there was never a chance.
"So Samuel Freyk himself came over here and you negotiated with him?" he asked, bewildered. "But you didn't mention anything about that in the letter-"
"It would be too risky," I interrupted. "He said that he wanted to keep it a secret. Except his private guard, no one knew of his identity."
Xander sighed, looking at the half-lit window. The sun must be up now, floating about the horizon.
"You never told me what you told him so he could sign the peace treaty," Xander looked at me with curiosity lighting his eyes.
I bit my lip again before scratching my head softly. "He insinuated that he would open the gates for our enemy. I threatened that I would deploy the army and burn his kingdom down if he didn't choose to help us. He didn't doubt it. In the end, we settled for a trade deal, to be renewed every three years."
When I finished talking, Xander gave me such an intense gaze that I looked away. He knew about the last part because I put the official document on his desk. And then, in one quick move, he pinned me onto the bed.
"Hey-"
"You are one feisty woman, Catheline," he smiled, a fascinated one. "You didn't just tell me that you told a King that you would burn his kingdom down."
I narrowed my eyes before raising an eyebrow. I placed my hands on his shoulders. "Do you doubt it?"
He smirked, a very amused one. "Not even for a moment. But I hope that you would put off that plan for now,"
His husky voice chiseled something into my heart. It was like he was tempting me, daring me to make a move. Months ago, I called his seduction tactics weak. But I could see that he was getting better.
"Do you want me to kiss you or would you kiss me like the good husband you are?" I raised an eyebrow.
He blushed for a moment before flicking my forehead hard. "Nice try,"
"Ouch!" I groaned, slapping a hand over my forehead. "You dumb bastard, it hurts!"
Xander paused before falling back and erupting into laughter. I covered my mouth, ashamed that I lost control over my words. My etiquette teacher would be so furious if she had heard what I just said. But again, she was lose her mind if she knew the realities of what I could do.
"Say it again," Xander pleaded, his laughing spell withering as he held my arm. "Please? Do it again."
"We need to get dressed," I tried to change the subject. "We have work to do,"
Fortunately, he gave up. "Nothing remains of my shirt after you massacred it last night."
All the blood rushed into my head. Well, he wasn't the only one who was frustrated at uncooperating clothing. I turned to look at him.
"Then what should I call this?" I pointed at my gown, the entirety of its back torn. "I'm being serious."
Xander groaned and collapsed back onto the bed, making me infuriated. Maybe he deserves a small break. Our little dome of happiness where no sad thing could hurt us.
.................................................................
I sat in the waiting chambers that evening, waiting for my family. It was then that I realized how scared I was. Xander offered to meet my father and brother when they arrived to spare me any embarrassment.
Karra and Lucy were waiting outside so I was all alone. It was hellish. I shook my leg and looked around when I thought I heard noises, only to realize that I imagined it.
After some time, I decided on a way to justify my actions.
I still couldn't blame myself to the full extent. I did everything that was expected of me. I deserved some vengeance for what happened to my child.
Out of a sudden, the doors behind me opened, causing me to shudder. When I turned around, I knew that I wasn't dreaming. Because I saw my brother, entering the room nervously. I stood up.
"You're fine," he said, stopping when he was a few feet away from me. "You don't look awful, sister."
I didn't know how to respond. Was he assessing me for any possible visible injuries? He didn't pull me into a hug he would have in normal times. We both looked at the doorway and found our father entering.
A wave of emotions washed over me. He looked as if he aged a hundred years. And yet, he looked the same. My body moved towards him; it was an unconscious move. When I ran over and hugged him, he instantly embraced me back. His hands were trembling.
"Catheline."
I could've cried. Hearing his soothing voice took me back to the days of my childhood. It had been almost a year since I saw him. But something was off. He looked both familiar and foreign.
He pulled away and held my hands in his hands, staring right into my eyes. Concern. Fear. Love. I saw them all in those two pits of brown, which soon turned dark.
"Have you lost your mind, daughter?"
I shuddered, hearing the tone and recognizing it. It was the only time he was strict. The times when he was a King, not an affectionate father. And I was upset to hear him sing it with me.
"I can explain," I whispered.
He sighed before taking his hands off my face. "Go on."
And so I did. I started by hiring the twins. And then how I got the information about the kidnapping of the child. I put my thoughts and feelings into words about how I felt when I heard the vile words from that man. And how I got injured from being too distracted. How I realized it was all a trap to lure me out.
My father and brother listened, staying quiet and patient. When I finished talking, I couldn't remove my eyesight from the floor. I was at the point of tearing up.
"Don't look at her like that, father," Eliot piped, coming forward. "It's not like she died-"
"There was every bit of chance that she could've!"
I flinched. Facing reality was much worse than I thought. He was beyond raging. I felt him take a step forward, his gaze penetrating my mind and setting it on fire.
"There are hundreds of guards that could've done it for you, Catheline," he said. "You are a Queen. Not a soldier. No matter how much you were trained, you are not built that way."
"I..."
"Your maids warned you. And you should've listened. Do you know what trouble you put us all in? How much trouble you put your husband in?"
I couldn't bear it. I looked up and took a breath. "I did what was expected of me. I couldn't put a child at risk-"
"You can't always help everyone!" he shouted, his eyebrows strained. "No one can. Not even Xander. And even if we try to protect our people, some are still there. Out of our reach. Suffering from one thing or another."
"The problem was mine to deal with," I frowned. "It was brought to me. They wanted me. And I showed them hell,"
"They weren't the only ones to see hell, daughter." he glared back, matching my icy tone. And then he sighed in irritation. "And I thought you moved on from losing your child,"
I opened my mouth to say something but I couldn't.
"This is getting out of hand," Eliot jumped back in. "Please know that not all people are insensitive like you are. And I think what my sister did was a noble thing-"
"So you knew?"
My brother shrugged. "She told me about Cassandra when we met last time."
My father was exasperated when he responded. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I knew you would be losing your mind like this, damnit," Eliot answered.
And then I looked up. "That man's scheme killed my child! And I'll never move on from that!"
"You didn't even see your child or hold him, Catheline. Your maternal instincts may be strong but they overpowered your other senses."
I stayed silent, feeling his words sting me and spread across my mind. How could he even have the heart to say that? He was my father, a man who raised me. Who helped me hold my first sword. A man who shaped me into a better person.
"You broke our promise," he said, flicking his hand. "I told you not to tell anyone. Not only did you put yourself in possible danger but you almost died. If things got out of your hand, I and your brother would've been attending your funeral."
"Father-"
"And I never would've forgiven myself if something happened to you," Father scanned my arms, right where my injuries lay. "The wounds may be on you, but the one who is hurting from them is me."
I couldn't say anything to that. And for the first time since he entered the room, I felt it. I felt my guilt seeping into my blood. I clenched my fists, unable to see the remorse on his face.
"You taught me to do this..." I pointed out with a shaking voice. "You taught me to hold a sword. You can't expect me not to kill someone and avenge my family."
He gave me a look, an impenetrable one. I couldn't see one identifying emotion. For a moment, I thought he would forgive me.
"Yes," he sighed. "It's all my fault. I should have raised you in the same way other fathers raised their daughters. I never should've taught you about anything a woman shouldn't bother herself with. It's all my fault."
I stared at him for a moment. "I'm sorry that I broke our promise-"
"Forget about the damn promise!" he retorted. "Let me ask you one question. When you went out there, did you even think of Xander? Forget about me or Eliot."
I didn't want to start on that again. I looked away, assessing my words but he went on.
"He lost everyone he ever had. His father, his mother, his unborn sibling, a chance at having a normal childhood and his guardian. And if lost you...he would go mad."
I could feel my nails biting my palms.
"He loves you. And you destroyed his trust in you. Even if he doesn't say it, he will always be scared of this moment. The time he almost lost you. I could only imagine what went in his head when he carried your limp body back."
"I..."
"If I were you, I would've the same thing. Because I'm a man. We are built to kill. But you? You've always been fighting with emotions. And when I look back, the root of this problem has always been my affection for you. I dotted on you. I have given you everything you asked for. And you give me back guilt. Fear of losing my one and only daughter."
I heard him sigh while tears pooled in my eyes. At that moment, I saw realization in the mirror. I scared Xander so much that even now, his hands shake when he holds me. I planted an image, a possibility, in his head that would haunt him for the rest of his days.
Even if Cayden was worth all the fight I fought, I forgot about one another person who very much was alive and needed me. When Daraa told me to be his shield and his sword, it was to protect him.
And I simply stabbed an uncertainty in his heart. Something he might not admit to now. He said he liked this side of me. But now, I'm not so sure myself.
I almost could've died.
And it would've ruined any chance for a better future with my husband since my life wasn't solely mine. I shared it with him. And if I lose myself, so will he.
"I'll pluck out the root." my father's voice rang. "I gave you your dreams and today, I shall take them."
I looked at him, tears running across my face. He looked resolved, and then he stretched his arm.
"Your sword, Catheline."
Shock shattered my heart. No hope could ever revive it. I kept on glancing at his hand. He was asking me to give up one thing that I could use to protect him. One memory that defined what I was. That I was resilient. Different. Unique.
I didn't remember nodding. I didn't remember walking to the door and asking Karra to bring my sword. Because I didn't want to.
A part of me broke cracked. And it will never mend. I almost hurt Xander. I almost pushed him into an abyss of darkness I tried so hard pulling him out of.
I didn't try to help him with the issues of the kingdom.
I only attempted to destroy him.
.................................................................
Xander's POV:
I didn't get to hear what her father told her. But when he burst outside the doors and looked at me, I knew that he had raged enough. Catheline's maids outside stood quietly, not moving a muscle.
"We need to talk," he said, approaching. "In private. In your study. Now."
His commanding voice made me forget that I was a King. Perhaps his seniority in age and the respectful relationship I had with him made me follow him. I looked back at the door, wanting to comfort my wife. But I followed her father instead. We reached the privacy of my study in a few turns and I nodded to Nathaniel to leave us alone.
"Have you calmed down?" I asked him.
He began pacing. Just how much energy did this man have? He traveled from his kingdom for weeks and didn't even have time to sit.
"Eliot knew," he said, still in a trance. "Not a wonder why he didn't tell me."
"He's always on her side,"
My father-in-law gave me one sharp look before stepping closer. "She went too far. She got hurt. And it's all my fault,"
I returned his gaze, not knowing who to defend. "No one expected her to get hurt. Even herself-"
"Do you even love her, Xander?"
I was stunned into silence by that question. "Of course I do-"
"And do you want to see her hurt again? To see her death? Can you bear it? Because I can't."
His words were too harsh for my hearing. "Better not speak words when you're angry. You don't know what you say,"
He tilted his head, almost smiling. "I pushed my daughter into a world I can never bring her out of. She grew up there. She loves that place. You're going to war, son. What happens if something occurs to you?"
It was a possibility. I didn't respond, staring at a distance.
"Your uncle will destroy this kingdom," he went on. "And he will send my daughter's corpse back!"
"Stop-"
"Do you love her!?" he shouted, clutching my shoulders and looking at my soul. "Tell me. Do you love her? Would you do anything for her sake? Even if it means doing something she won't appreciate? Something she would despise you for?"
I could see sense in his words. And saw the mistakes of my judgment.
"I love her," I whispered. "More than anything I ever had the chance to love."
At that, he possibly saw something and became convinced. He nodded and let me go, taking a step back.
"I'm doing what I have to do to protect my child," he sighed, not meeting my eyes. "Even if she would hate me after this, I don't care."
I didn't see where he was taking this conversation. An array of imaginations took over my head. "What are your plans?"
He paused before looking at me once more. "I need more than words that you love. If you do, then prove it."
"What?"
"Swear it on your pride and power as King. Swear it on the love you share with her. In ink."
____________________________________
Author's note:
😭