Everything in her told her she should just push him off of her right now and leave this place. She wasn't strong enough to endure this. But she couldn't. Because she wasn't strong enough to walk away from it either. She finally nodded, slowly.
He drew in a deep breath from his nose before parting his lips to speak. Her body tensed in preparation for his question. Anyone watching them would probably find it obvious how they both felt. She knew that. She knew his actions here and now could only lead to one conclusion. But she still doubted, too afraid to admit anything to herself. Clinging to what she felt was her last bit of sanity, but also clinging to her fear, not willing to let it go.
He let out a nervous chuckle and Ashima felt a sudden rush of adrenaline rush through her as if to say 'what the hell are you waiting for?'
"Do you-"
His words were cut off as she reached up to grab both sides of his face and forcefully pulled him down to her. Her lips opened and she kissed him roughly, her mouth wanting to make up for the lost time she had denied this connection it had longed for. Her hands tightened on him, holding him against her.
As if her brain came to its senses, she hesitated, suddenly realizing he wasn't kissing her back. He was just laying there over her, staring at her with his muscles tense.
"I... I'm sorry." She said as she turned her head, wanting to hide her face from him forever for misreading the situation. "I shouldn't have-". She stopped speaking as the largest smile she'd ever seen spread across his face. It was breathtaking and she was completely mesmerized by it. She reached her fingers up to touch his face. "This... this is the best view I've seen today." She said, a broad smile covering her own face as her gaze moved from his lips up to his eyes. "Are you...? Are we... ok? What I-"
"Always talking too much." He cut her off as he chuckled and shifted all of his weight onto his left arm while his right hand grasped the back of her head, bringing her face up to his all in one swift motion.
Their lips met and this time they moved in unison, each with an urgent need. He kissed as if he was exploring her, memorizing every motion, every reaction. His lips moved from her mouth to her cheek, her chin, her neck, pecking and slightly sucking every part of her bare skin. Never stopping anywhere for too long as he mapped out her skin with his lips. When he reached a certain part where her chin met her neck, she involuntarily let out a moan as she gasped at the feeling, her hands squeezing tightly on his skin and shirt, her entire body tensing and rising up to meet him.
He tensed and stopped his assault on her neck, his labored breaths fanning her hot skin, causing her to shiver. He buried his face further into her neck and drew in a deep breath before exhaling it forcefully. Eventually he lifted himself up and looked at her as he caressed her face.
"Sometimes I don't believe you're real, either." He admitted as he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her lips, lingering there for a moment before separating himself from her again. "Yet you are more real to me than anything I've ever experienced."
"Come." He pushed himself up and stood before bending down to help her up. "We need to get back."
He grabbed his bag from the ground, returning it to his shoulder before grabbing her hand and beginning to lead her away from the pond.
She reached up with her other hand and squeezed tightly onto his hand, pulling him to a stop. "Wait." When he turned to look at her she continued. "What do we do now?"
"What do you mean?"
"What... What does this mean? For us?"
She pointed between them.
He simply looked at her in confusion and she looked away, suddenly feeling like a silly teenager who just admitted her feelings to her crush. Large, warm, lavender hands rested on her waist and pulled her flush against him.
"What do you want it to mean?" She heard him ask and she looked up at his eyes.
"Did you stop because..." she looked down and hated how vulnerable she felt. "What do you want?"
He bent slightly to be closer to her eye level and she couldn't help how tightly wound her body felt at his close proximity. "I want anything you're willing to offer me, Shima. Every part of you is beautiful and precious to me, both inward and outward." He leaned his forehead against hers while resting his hands on the back of her neck, holding her closely.
Her mouth opened to respond but no words came out. What does a person even say to that?
"Do not overthink it, Shima."
She raised a brow. "Let me guess. Enjoy the moments as they come?"
He half smiled and a slight chuckle vibrated from him and into her. "Something like this, yes." He placed a kiss on her forehead before leaning back again to look at her. "Do you feel the same? Or no? Please be honest with me."
After a silent moment he reached up to wipe her face. "Please do not cry." He pleaded quietly, worry covering his face.
She reached up and her eyes rounded in surprise as her fingers came back wet. She hadn't even realized she was crying. That seemed to be happening a lot lately. Her eyes returned to his and she felt the full force of her emotional state hit her. Her heart ached and all the pain she'd been ignoring in her body surfaced. She was just so darn tired. All she wanted was to curl up into his arms, rest her face against his chest and never leave his comforting embrace.
But instead she turned her eyes to look out over the pond and took a step back away from him. "I'm not staying here, Ki. I'm not allowed to stay." She said much more confidently than she felt.
"But you want to?"
She covered her face and shook her head. "It doesn't matter."
He covered the distance between them and gently pulled her hands away from her face. "Tell me you don't want me." She tensed at the serious tone of his voice. "Tell me you don't feel for me as I feel for you. Tell me you want to leave me. Tell me this truthfully and I will honor your wishes, Shima."
He was looking down at her from his full height, his eyes piercing into her very soul. She clenched her jaw, staring at him with no words.
"You can not tell me those things because they are not true. You cannot lie to me on this matter after what we just shared. What we have been sharing."
She took a step away from him again and stared at him for a moment before speaking. "This will only end in pain, Ki. For both of us. And even while I am still here, you don't deserve to deal with the trouble that comes with being associated-"
"I meant what I said." He cut her off, his words clipped. "I will respect what you're not willing to give if you do not share my feelings. But don't hold your true wishes back in order to protect me. That I will not accept."
Ashima whimpered as she could no longer hold back her tears, her pain, her exhaustion.
He took a quick step forward and pulled her face into his chest, resting his chin on top of her head as he wrapped his arms around her. "Tell me, Shima. Forget about the future we can't control. In the here and now with no one else around and no worries in the world. Do you care for me as I do for you? Do you want me? If you truly don't, I will take you back to your room and I will leave you in peace." The words were what she was asking him to do, yet they were like a stab directly into her chest and she felt it was hard to breathe. "But if you do... if you do share my feelings, nothing else matters to me." His right hand was buried in her hair, still holding her to him while his left arm was wrapped around her lower back, practically holding her off the ground.
"How can you say that?" Her voice barely audible as tears streamed down her face.
"Because it is truth, Shima. Nothing else matters. As I've said, I will take anything I can. If it is a short time then I want to have that short time with you over no time with you, Shima. And I do not care about the opinions of others. Please, let's not waste this gift we've been given."
She reached her arms around his waist and clung tightly to him. 'It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' She quoted to herself. Was it true? Eventually she nodded her head against his chest. "Ok." She whispered.
He leaned back slightly, looking into her face. "Yes?" He smiled.
"Yes." She laughed as she nodded again.
He leaned down and their lips met again, this time the kiss was slow but deep and passionate. They clung tightly to each other as if they might be ripped apart at any moment.