THE DRIVE INTO town was quiet at best, awkward at worst. Turns out Dean had a second-hand car that he'd brought shortly after he'd started university, which was what he carried us in.
I stayed mostly silent, trying to work out what precisely Camille and Dean's relationship was. Camille had taken the front seat while I sat in the back. I almost felt like a third wheel.
But their conversation was perfectly normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Just two friends. Maybe I'd overthought, then? But it still seemed just a tiny bit strange. I hadn't imagined that the two were close.
It was a short drive. He had the two of us get out of the car first, told us to wait while he went to park the car. When he was done, we all walked together into the shopping centre.
The pizzeria was on the second floor, so we took the elevator up. Not a sound. Not a single one of us said a word. It was almost starting to get creepy.
Finally, when I couldn't handle it anymore, I turned to Camille. "How's life, Cam-Cam?"
She pulled a face at me. "What do you think, Salome?"
"Good?"
"Except for schoolwork, of course."
"Ah, pity. Oh, by the way, I gave Livia your number yesterday. She says she'll text you if you're actually interested in renting her apartment."
Dean glanced at us, and then his gaze turned to Camille. "You actually renting the flat?"
"I'll think about it," Camille replied. "I'll discuss it with Livia."
I grinned. "We'll be neighbours. You'll live right above me."
"I know," Camille gushed. "That would be so nice. I can go to your house all the time for food."
I narrowed my eyes. "Is that the only reason you want to move in?"
Camille batted her eyelashes innocently. "Is that a problem?"
"If you pay for the food, fine by me."
"Sounds like a fair arrangement," Camille agreed. "Oh, we're here."
We went inside. The pizzeria wasn't particularly large in size, and we sat quite close to the door. I faced the glass window with Erika, while Dean took the other side.
"Should we order?" I asked, not bothering to flick through the menu. I already knew what I wanted.
"Wait a bit," Dean said. "Wait til Orion comes."
Camille blinked beside me. "Orion's coming? Why didn't he come with us, then?" I was equally shocked. What was it that Eileen said? There's a plot at play. This was it, wasn't it? Orion.
But why would that be a plot?
"Why didn't you tell us he was coming too?" I frowned.
Dean shrugged. "Said you wouldn't show up if he did. Thinks you've been avoiding him."
"Wait what?"
He turned his gaze to Camille. "When you said you were going to bring Salome along, I thought I should probably get Orion to come too. But when I told him he told me not to tell you guys. Don't blame me, honestly. I'm just doing as I'm told." And then to me, he said, "Is something wrong? Have you argued with him again or something?"
I shook my head. "No. I'm not sure what he's talking about."
"If you're uncomfortable," he continued softly, "we can leave now. I'm fine with driving you back if you really want to."
"No." I smiled. "No, that's not necessary." This was strange. There were a thousand ways for Orion to see if I was avoiding him (which I was), but this was not the way I thought he'd choose. It wasn't his style, at any rate.
So we waited. Camille and Dean made awkward small talk—"do you still play basketball? I remember you spent all your nights at the basketball court back at Arrington"—as Salome sat, pretending to be interested until she decided she really wasn't and whipped out her phone.
Orion arrived twenty minutes later, a bright smile on his face as he strolled casually into the pizzeria and made a beeline for their table. Dean slid deeper into the booth and Orion sat down next to him. It felt like that first night again, when we'd all arrived and gone to that diner down the street.
"Sorry I'm late," he said apologetically. "Was working on a group project at the library." That explained why Dean didn't pick him up with the two of us. I offered a nod of greeting and Camille said hi.
He didn't look at me like I thought he would. He ignored me, as if I wasn't there at all.
And he kept that up for the entire rest of the meal. All four of us talked, but he never referred to me. I didn't direct anything at him either. The two of us, despite being in the same conversation, acted as if the other was totally invisible.
Dean was laughing about something with Camille. "Remember last Tuesday? When Lance said—"
"Wait," I interrupted, "you guys saw each other last Tuesday?"
Dean blinked. "Oh, I head to Roseford quite a lot. I'm pretty good friends with Lance. If I'm not bothering this guy at your complex, I'm at Roseford."
Camille nodded. "Didn't I tell you? I swear you did."
"You didn't," I told her archly, wrinkling my nose.
"Aw, I'm so sorry." Camille wrapped her hands around me, squeezing a hug as I pouted. "I must have forgotten. I won't forget next time, Salome. Promise."
But I wasn't actually angry that she hadn't told me. Or felt the need to hide it from me. I'd hidden plenty from her in the years we'd known each other. It only seemed fair she had some secrets of her own.
When I turned back to face the front, I noticed from the corner of my eye that Orion had sent me a quick look. As if he was observing me, judging how I was feeling tonight and what I was showing on my face.
This was a test, wasn't it?
This was a test from him.
I had no interest in indulging him. So I continued ignoring him, as I should have.
"But yeah," Dean continued. "I was at Roseford and we were playing cards right? And the l0ser gets smacked. And Lance, being the idiot he is, lost like three times in a row."
"And then," Camille said with a grin, "we agreed that Dean was going to do it. And then Samantha decided to volunteer too, so they both smacked Lance at the same time. It was wild."
"You should join us sometimes," Dean offered. "Honestly. Just come chill out at Roseford sometimes. It's really fun. I live close to there, so I spent half my time there and the other half with Orion in his apartment."
"And never at your own home. Livia says it's really shit."
"It's horrendous," Dean admitted. "Wait, how does Livia know?"
"She says Amphion has been."
"And obviously Amphion tells Livia everything. Normal expected behaviour. Those two are so into each other it's disgusting."
"It's not," Orion pointed out. "Like, they are the least PDA couple I've ever met. And they're actually very lowkey for the most part. I didn't even realise they were a couple for the first two months I'd known them."
"They'd only started dating a bit at that point, hadn't they?" Dean asked, frowning. "I remember Amphion telling me that they only started dating like the August before."
"They're still very lowkey now. An old couple, really.'
"They're really cute together from what I've seen," Camille said. "I want something like that in the future."
"In the future?" Dean teased. "Not now?"
Camille shrugged. "I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I haven't even gotten my own shit in check."
"Very mature view."
Camille flashed a smile, all teeth and no cheer. "I pride myself on it."
Dean nodded approvingly. Orion let out a snort, adjusting his silver glasses. I stayed focused on my food, grabbing another slice of pizza. Camille laughed. "Jesus, Salome. One would think you haven't eaten in ages."
"I am very hungry. Extremely hungry, Camille Tsang. You cannot blame me for eating so much. It's not like you can finish this bloody pizza if I don't eat it anyways."
"True." I'd always had a larger appetite than Camille. Probably because I was taller. I needed more energy than she did.
But I wasn't going to say that aloud. She'd strangle me on the spot.
So we kept eating. And eating. And nothing happened, to the point that I thought maybe there isn't some plot at play like Eileen suggested after all when, as we finished, Dean said, "I'll drive Erika back to Roseford. You two need a drive?" he asked, nudging his chin at me and Orion.
I was about to say yes, when Orion interrupted. "Nah. I haven't done any sports today. I'll enjoy a walk."
"It's like half an hour walk away," I pointed out, crossing my arms. "And it's late."
"It's only seven forty-five," he pointed out. "And it's not like you're walking alone. Come on, Salome."
It seemed very strange if I showed any more resistance, and so I relented with a roll of my eyes. Dean cast an apologetic glance and headed to the carpark with Erika. Now alone and on the street outside the mall, I sent Orion a glare. "You wanted to talk to me?"
"Clever. You've been avoiding me, Salome Lam."
"What?"
"Don't fucking lie."
"I have not been avoiding you. Why would I be avoiding you?"
"That's what I'm trying to figure out," he mused. "Why are you avoiding me, Lam Yam-yuet?"
"Why are you calling me by my Chinese name?"
"Sounds more menacing, doesn't it? Does it remind you of your parents?"
"You're trying to be my dad again."
"Is that why you're mad? You think I'm trying to parent you?"
"Is that not what you're doing?"
He glared. I raised one brow. I'd known this guy for so long, I knew exactly how to piss him off. I just usually tried to avoid that, since I'd spent the last thirteen years trying to make him like me. It hadn't worked. But my efforts to annoy him definitely were.
"I'm not trying to parent you, Salome. I'm trying to understand why you're avoiding me."
"I'm not avoiding you, but I was it would definitely be because you keep parenting me."
He flexed his jaw, visibly angry now. "Salome Lam Yam-yuet!"
"I'm not avoiding you, I've just been busy."
"We're neighbours and we've somehow managed to not bump into each other for more than a week straight. You didn't say a word to me just now the entire dinner—"
"You didn't say anything to me either!"
"Because I was trying to see if you'd say something first!"
I sucked in a deep breath. "Well, how the fuck am I supposed to know that? You show up without me or Camille knowing, don't even look at me, not a single word, and I'm supposed to just randomly talk to you out of nowhere?"
"A hello would have been nice."
"I did greet you!"
"Salome..."
"I don't understand why you're making such a big deal over this," I huffed, turning back to face the road as we crossed the street. "Literally, why are you freaking out so much over this?"
"I'm sorry I care about my friendships! And you'd been hanging out with everyone else, so clearly I've done something wrong." He scratched his head, ruffling up his hair, sending me a half-hearted glare. He looked like a golden retriever trying to beg for forgiveness. I tore my gaze away, refusing to glance at me. "Was it the day at the club? Did I do something wrong?"
"You keep trying to tell me what I can and cannot do."
"I'm not," Orion growled. "I just want to make you're safe. You can do whatever the fuck you want, Salome, but at least tell me if you're going to stay out late or something? Like, if something ever actually happens to you, I'm fucked. And I don't want you to get hurt either, you know."
"I already told you. It's fine. But can you really blame me for wanting to like, not let you know where I'm going after that?"
He sighed. "You've entered your rebellious stage, haven't you?"
"It's not being rebellious, it's wanting to have some fucking autonomy."
"And here we have this argument again. Right back to where we started. For the last time, I am not trying to parent you. Controlling you and caring for you are two very different things. Remember that."
We were only halfway back home. Which meant this conversation was far from over. I let out a loud sigh. "Can we change the topic?"
He scowled at me, but seemed to relent. "What else is there to talk about? How's that Korean kid?"
"Jeremiah? I haven't seen him much outside of class."
"Huh. That's surprising."
I glanced at him, one brow raised. "What do you mean by that?"
"I just mean that, well, from the state of him, I thought he'd be wanting to talk to you a lot more than just that."
"I mean, we're just like, flirting a tiny bit. I don't think he's actually genuinely interested, and neither am I. Just a bit of fun."
"Is that you young people's idea of fun these days?"
I punched him on the shoulder with my fist. "You are being annoying, Orion Ip."
He scoffed. "How's that annoying? It's a genuine question. Annoying is avoiding your best friend since five years old for a week straight."
"You are not my best friend."
"But I'm your best friend who you've known since you were five years old."
Which was true. I only met Camille when I was ten. But I also did not want to admit that, because that logic seemed skewed somehow, but I couldn't point out how.
It was dark now. It hadn't been when we left the shopping centre. We both walked without a word, lost in our own thoughts, our eyes facing forward and refusing to glance at each other. It seemed immature, felt immature, but neither of us seemed to precisely care.
It seemed fairly idiotic to tell him that I was avoiding him because I thought he'd figured out my crush on him. But so far he hadn't mentioned the hoodie or anything that happened after we left the bar or anything else.
So maybe he'd already forgotten?
But I was scared to risk it. What if it was all a test? What if I was just making a fool of myself? What if this was all going to end spectacularly wrong? If I messed this up somehow, how was I going to live across from him for the rest of the year? Or even longer, if he decided to stay and finish his Master's degree? I knew he was interested in that.
Just like always, it seemed so much safer to simply keep everything in my own head.
That was how things had always been.
We were nearing the street our complex was on when he finally said, "I'm not your dad. Or your older brother. Or your prisoner. I'm just a friend. And you're right. You can do whatever the hell you want. I have no control over that. But at the same time, as someone who's known you for so long, I want to make sure you're safe, and I'm apologetic if it came off as too pushy."
I let out a sagged breath. "And I'm sorry I've been avoiding you. Because I have. But I also just don't want anyone trying to control my life, you know."
He gave me a wistful little smile. Half his face was illuminated by a streetlight, the other half cast in darkness. "Okay. Apology accepted."
I gave him one hand. "Shake on it?"
"Shake on it." He took my hand and shook it, grinning.
I felt ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
But I couldn't help but smile back too. His joy had always been infectious. And it had always mattered to me far more than I wanted to admit, even to myself. He wasn't just a crush, I realised in that moment. He was a crutch. He was a walking stick that I'd used and become so reliant on in the past thirteen years.
No matter what happened around me, what life threw my way, one thing always seemed to remain true: Salome Lam was hopefully in love with Orion Ip, and he had no idea. That had dictated my entire life.
And setting myself free was far easier said than done.
Because I did like him. He had many admirable qualities. He was caring, even if he always went about it the wrong way. He was observant, he was intelligent and he was handsome and he was always so kind to me. And he had gone out of his way to help me at Redchester, even if I hadn't appreciated all his efforts.
But some things were simply never meant to be, and there was nothing I could do about it but treasure these little moments we shared, these little moments that I could imagine would turn into something else.
This was just like two years ago, wasn't it? When he gave me that hoodie. Walking together back home after a dinner outside. Quiet conversations, albeit it had been much friendlier the last time. Except it hadn't been, because we'd been like strangers. Strangers who were very familiar with each other, but strangers nonetheless.
I fucking hated it.
But just like my favourite All Time Low song, just like the title of Livia's book, the trouble was, I could never let go.
It was a part of me. Salome Lam being hopefully in love with Orion Ip was a part of me, and moving on would feel like cutting out a pound of my own flesh.
It was in that moment, ardently, I wish I'd never gone to Redchester University.
I wish I'd never moved into that apartment across his hall.
I wish I'd never insisted on following him to Arrington College.
I wish I'd never insisted on attending his primary school.
I wish I'd never met him when I was five.
I wish I'd never met him at all. Because after I had, and no matter when in my life it might have happened, he consumed me. I was driven to him like a moth to a flame, and sometimes even I couldn't explain it. I was rational. I was a rational creature, and with most things in life I listened to my head far more than I listened to my heart. I weighed the advantages of things with the disadvantages and decided on the best course of action. With my friends, I was always the one planning things out, the one who considered all the factors before taking a single step forward.
Being Orion Ip threw all that into the wind. I was leaping willingly, headfirst into my own demise, lured by the alluring picture at the bottom of the cliff. Even if I knew it was an illusion, that I would only meet a painful death, I leapt without a second complaint.
Was that why? Because this was the one place in life where I could throw rationality, logic, thoughts and all the things that I used to hold myself back away, where I could be totally myself, uncaring of the consequences and the punishments?
What was it Orion had told me earlier? That he thought I'd entered my rebellious stage.
I hadn't just entered it. Orion Ip was my rebellious stage. Liking him went against everything else I believed in. If Camille was able to be reckless and irresponsible, I was the stone weighing her down, making sure she stayed grounded, making sure she stayed alive.
Liking Orion wasn't clever or planned or calculated.
And maybe that was what made it so irresistible to me. A gaping void that dragged me down with promises of sweetness and happiness that in the deepest pits of my heart, I knew were all lies.
We went up the elevator together. I told him goodbye at the door with all the politeness I could muster, shut the door, and let the tears fall out.