"Don't be too nervous."
I look down at Nate's parents, his dad patting my shoulder comfortingly.
"I'm not."
"Good. You're telling your story, there's nothing to be nervous about when it's your own. Just keep in mind that you are being watched and people will be going off of your words alone. They will want to make sure your story is true, is credible. If you against the state prison is valid, if they're guilty or not. With the evidence we have, it says so; but...you also have to be careful with the evidence they may or may not have. Stuff they may use against you." Nathaniel informs me, causing me to nod. "Your lawyer is already present. You're studying to be a lawyer, right?"
I nod excitedly, seeing him smile up at me with just as much excitement.
"That's good. You a lawyer, Nate an investigator. You two can easily work together if it comes down to cases - if you wish."
"It depends." I look in the mirror, adjusting my suit some. I turn back around to see Nathaniel look confused by my words. "Depends on what I will be needing an investigator for, I mean."
"Oh, yes, of course." He snickers, waving me off.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and he was quick to rush to it. That's when I see Nate with Rue against his chest, sound asleep. She was swaddled up in some fabric that was wrapping tightly around his body, went over his shoulders, and under his arms.
His mom filed in with him along with my lawyer. My lawyer who I haven't spoken to for a couple of days now walks towards me, grinning up at me. He takes my hand firmly in his, his other hand setting atop of it.
"You aren't nervous are you?"
"No," I chuckle, him now being the sixth person to ask me that today, "I just want it to begin already."
"Ah, I see. I'm just making sure because you will be around all of the people that you've experienced your troubles with. Chief Michael will be there - or I should just say Officer Michael." My lawyer, whose name was Archer, snorts. "All of those people who didn't help you as a child and took advantage of you and your predicament, will all be there. Your brother will even be used as evidence on their stand, against you. You are aware of that, yes?"
I nod, glancing over at Nate who was quietly talking to his dad. When I look back at Archer, he firmly gripped my arm.
"Don't go into this today thinking you did anything wrong. You weren't an adult yet when you were placed where you were placed. You were let down by the one adult who was in charge of you, and you were let down by the system." Archer nodded incessantly as if to prove his point.
"Yeah...but, I allowed myself to be placed in that environment. I knew what I was signing up for." I tell him, and I saw his eye flicker to the right of me.
Where I saw everyone in the room looking at me like I was an idiot.
"See, you can't go out there saying shit like that." Nate sneers, and even Archer looked troubled. "You're trying to convince the jury - the court - that you were wrongfully imprisoned and held there at that point against your will. Despite all of that, it's still the same thing. Why are you trying to make this into some grand scheme like you knew what you were getting into like you've been in prison before. Because you didn't, and if you say that-."
"I mean, I can use his words as leverage to say they used his predicament and thoughts as an excuse to justify their actions. He grew up within an environment that was radically different from theirs, and they played on that. It's not too bad." Archer nods at me as if to help, but I was getting aggravated.
I didn't want them to make me out to be this idiot person who didn't know what they were getting into. I knew what I was signing up for, so why are they sending me up there like I'm some idiot victim?
I know I'm a victim, but I'm one that placed themselves in that position to become one. I can say that confidently.
"And there he goes." Nate groans, and I look at him as he runs his fingers through his hair in frustration, "He is trying to justify what happened to himself, in his mind, as if he isn't a victim. He wants to be seen as this smart person who knew he'd fuckin' go in that prison and be used physically and emotionally for other officers. To be their dildo, honestly. He really thinks he knew he'd go in there and be placed in that position. He has been driving me crazy dad!"
I saw Nathaniel try to calm Nate down who was clearly way more stressed out than I realized. I knew he was stressed and angry, but I'm seeing it more now.
"You don't think..." I look down at Archer, seeing him almost try to make sure of something, "That you knew you'd go into jail and go through what you went through, right?"
"I knew I'd go in there and it wouldn't be perfect. It's prison, prison isn't perfect."
Archer pursed his lips, looking away from me as he walked to Nate. I saw him gesture him to follow and they both walked out.
Just leaving me with Nate's parents who looked at me anxiously.
"Worth, you gotta get out of that mindset."
"What mindset?"
"That you need to look tough and always be ahead of everyone and everything. You can't be the pod boss over everyone. What happened to you was not under your control and I can bet you didn't go in there thinking you'd be used for sex." Nate's mom says surely, and I keep my lips shut. "Just stop with that thinking and realize...you were a victim, there's nothing wrong with that. The only thing wrong is you trying to explain your way into how you became one. Because then...what then?"
I stay silent and just look away from them.
I wanted this shit to start already.
They're all pissing me off now.
"All of you lived your perfect lives, and had each other. You don't know shit and the shit I have been through all my life. Honestly, being in that damn prison was the most control I've had over my life, ever. None of you people could relate, just look at where you're standing right now.
"I'm alone in this corner, and everyone is on the other side. Judging me and saying I'm this victim. I am a victim, but I placed myself into the predicament to become one. I made myself a victim-."
"That's not how it works Worth. I can't believe you just said that." Nathaniel scoffed, shaking his head as he just walked out now.
Leaving just Nate's mom and me, I just sit in the chair.
I avoided looking at her, glancing over at the clock as the trial would start in a couple of minutes.
"You're going to walk out next, right? I would honestly prefer you did. I'm over all of this shit."
"I think a lot of people are over your shit too," She just says to me, my head whipping onto her in surprise, "and yet, we're all still here. Because we love you, because we want the best for you. Whether we lived the same lives or not, I remember you before all of this stuff happened to you. When you were thirteen, fourteen. You weren't always this way, and I know why you are, but... You need to fix that attitude and outlook on things. Because it's not yourself you're going to hurt, but you'll hurt everyone else around you just to make yourself feel better about your own pain because you're not ready to fully feel it. You're already doing that."
I just look at her, my eyes lowering off of her because I had no more to say.
"It's just difficult."
"And you're making it even more difficult with your actions."
Before I could respond, the door opened and I saw Archer motion for me to come on. Nate's mom exited first and I follow behind her, seeing that Nate was no longer outside.
"Where did he go?"
"He went into the courtroom gallery with his dad. He'll be there, you'll see him when we take our positions." Archer tells me as we walk down a flight of stairs. I could already hear the news crew and all of the loud noise outside of here and inside.
To know that others will be now hearing my story and what I went through in there was...just as off-putting as before. Now everyone will know what I went through and see me just the same.
As the victim, nothing more than that.
"We will be seated at the defendant table. Michael and the lawyers defending the jail, will be at the prosecuting table. I will tell you now, there will be lots of things said and done before the real nitty gritty begins. Like...having to recount your story and going over evidence, so forth." Archer stops me at the door where a couple of guards stood, and I look away from him.
I was silent as I was honestly processing everything that was about to happen.
I've been aware that the time would come... Where I'd be doing something like this for my own sake and to make sure no one else goes through what I went through.
Except now that I'm here and going to be doing such a thing too... I can't believe that it has even gotten to this point.
When has life ever been fair to me?
Never.
"Don't overthink." Archer murmurs, causing me to look over at him again. "I can tell you're overthinking a lot right now. You have people that have your best interests at heart, and you may be questioning everything. I get it, because now your trauma is being put out there for the whole world to see once again. Still, don't take your frustrations out on the people who want only the best for you."
I nod, looking away from again until he grabs my arm harshly. Pulling me down to his level, he looked dead in my eyes.
"Remember this, there is nothing wrong with being a victim. And you can't make yourself be a victim in a case like this, that's unacceptable thinking. You had no idea for what was in store for you, and don't act like you did. Because you're only hurting yourself and your relationships with that mentality." Archer explains to me firmly.
I stood up straight again, avoiding to look at him now. I just kept looking forward because I was hearing what they were saying, I was...
I was just...stuck in this dumb mindset still.
There is definitely something wrong with me.
I could do therapy...I just don't want to go alone.
"I get it." I finally respond back. "I'm trying...but it's just...hard."
I feel Archer pat my back comfortingly, only to become serious as he nods at the officers.
"Okay, let's go then."
The officers open the doors, causing me to see exactly what I was walking into. I was about to walk into a room that had cameras and where so many were looking at me now.
I look at the place where we were supposed to sit, and on the other end was Michael.
He was looking at me completely with an odd expression in his eyes. Like he genuinely was happy to see me, yet was troubled. I saw him look away now, and I follow Archer to our table.
Once we sat down, I was acutely aware of the others that were near our table. I don't recall having spoken to them because I mainly spoke to Archer, but I wouldn't be surprised if Nate spoke to the others on my behalf.
He usually gets it right so I'm not concerned on what he may or may not have said.
"Once again," I hear Archer beside me, but I don't bother looking as I continue looking forward, "millions are watching you; but the only ones that matter are the ones you love and yourself. The jury does matter too, but the aforementioned things take precedence over that. Just be mindful of that."
I look at the judge, seeing him speaking to someone who worked within the courtroom. My eyes lowering now as I set my hands on the table.
I have to win this.
For seventeen year old me's sake.
I won't sabotage myself for anyone else's sake. I need to get out of that mindset of trying to not only protect my brother, but the part of me that doesn't want to appear weak.
The part of me that wants to look strong, emotionless, always fine no matter what thrown at him. Because...I was never okay.
And it's okay to not be okay...
Right?
_________________.•*
Right.
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