I walk into the gym after class as Arlo, Oakley, Coen and Hayden are already playing shirtless.
Eva and Cora sit on the sidelines blushing and Nellie is looking at me.
Nellie is looking at me.
She smiles and waves and i smile at her gently before walking over to the boys.
Anxiety crawls all throughout my body.
What if they think i'm really bad?
What if they treat me the same?
"Henry!" Arlo comes over and gives me a hug.
"Hi." I pat his back.
We pull away and he walks with me to the bleachers as i place my bag down with shaking hands.
"Don't be nervous, it's just us." Arlo says as we walk over.
I nod and wipe my sweaty hands on my shorts before they throw me a ball.
"Show us your moves."
I haven't played in so long. I only play alone at home by myself.
I bounce the ball on the ground and i start to get into the feel of it again.
I jump and raise my arms, shooting, and scorning, from the middle of the court.
"Holy shit." Hayden watches the ball fly in.
I can feel everyone's eyes on me, but i feel Nellie's the most.
"That was so cool," Arlo smiles handing me another ball.
We all begin mucking around on the court, shooting and playing.
I find myself smiling. I find myself having fun, feeding off of the boys positive energy.
This is fun.
I haven't felt this feeling in a while.
~~
It's a trick. It's all a trick.
The happiness i felt, it's a trick.
It's all a trick to make me feel better and hopeful for a moment before i come home and i crumble, breaking down.
I tug at my hair, trying to calm myself down before i go into a panic attack.
"Henry!" My little sister, Chelsea, comes running into my room.
"Hi Chel." I whisper as she crawls onto my bed and into my lap.
I try not to react.
She's a kid, she's four, she doesn't know. She doesn't know what it means. She isn't trying to hurt me.
She doesn't know what happened.
No one does besides my mum.
"How was your new school?" She smiles.
"Good." I run my hand in her hair.
She sighs dreamily, "I can't wait till i can go to big kid school. Is there lots of cute boys there?"
I smile, "Do you want there to be?"
She blushes as she bursts into giggles.
My baby sister never fails to put a smile on my face.
"Do you think mummy would be mad if i had a boyfriend?" Chelsea laughs.
"You're too young for a boyfriend, Chel."
"Am not!"
I lift her up off of my lap, uncomfortable by this position.
She is a kid, she doesn't know what that position means. I repeat in my head.
My mum walks into my room, "Hey Henry, Chelsea and I are going to go to her baby ballet class, would you like to come?"
I shake my head.
"Chelsea, go get dressed." Mum tells my little sister.
"Okay mummy!" Chelsea runs off.
My mum walks deeper into my bedroom and she sits on the edge of the bed, "How was your first day?"
"Okay,"
"Did you make some friends?"
"I guess, i don't know." I whisper.
"You okay?" She brushes my hair off of my face.
I nod.
"Are you sure you don't want to come to ballet? It might be a nice break. Chelsea would love for you to come. You haven't come to the new ballet school."
I nod, "Okay."
She smiles and gets up to go do Chelsea's hair.
I get out of bed and adjust my hair in the hallway mirror before getting into the car.
Chelsea and mum come down as Chel is wearing a baby pink leotard with a skirt and stockings. Her deep brunette hair is tied up into a high bun.
"Henry! You're coming!" She squeals as mum buckles her in the car.
I smile feeling the excitement in her voice.
The drive is quick to the school. I stare out the window, in my own head.
Chelsea holds my hand as she leads me from the carpark into Miss Chloe's dance studio.
"My teacher is very beautiful. She's your age too!" Chelsea says as i push open the door.
"Look, there she is!" Chelsea points.
I look up and my stomach twists as i see Nellie.
She's wearing a baby blue leotard, stockings, and her hair is in a neat high bun.
She looks at me as Chelsea leads me over.
Nellie smiles bright and beautiful and waves at me slightly.
I smile softly and Chelsea releases my hand and gives Nellie a hug.
"Hi Miss Nellie!"
Nellie picks her up and places her on her hip, "Hi Chelsea, how was your week?"
"So fun!" Chelsea fiddles with her necklace.
I get nervous as Nellie looks at me, "Hi Henry."
"Hi." I mutter lowly.
My mum calls me back to the seats in the corners and i sit down as other little girls and boys come to the class.
I watch as it begins as Nellie teaches them. She's so soft and gentle with them. She's so sweet.
Every now and then Nellie glances up at me and smiles.
"Do you know each other?" My mother whispers in my ear.
"She goes to my new school."
My mum smiles, "That's nice."
i miss teaching baby ballet