Chapter 45
I could not, in good conscience, leave my mother here.
Pagkatapos naming mag-usap, bumalik ako sa may hotel. Doon ako natulog. Nagstay lang ako doon hanggang sa dumating iyong araw na dapat babalik na ako sa Manila. Kasi nandoon pa iyong apartment ko. Nandoon iyong buhay na nabuo ko.
Pero hindi na ako naka-balik.
Instead, dinala ako ng mga paa ko pabalik sa bahay namin.
Hindi ako tinanong ni Mama kung bakit ako nandon. She just prepared food for me. We talked about Papa. We talked about the good old times. Umiwas muna kami sa mga masasakit na topics. Parang okay lang naman 'yon. Kasi hindi naman din dapat laging magfocus sa masama, sa pangit.
Maigsi lang ang buhay.
I wanted her to live a good life.
Two months after, bumalik din ako sa Manila kasi tapos na iyong lease ko. I needed to pack my things. Ang dami ko rin palang gamit. I figured I'd just donate the other things na hindi ko kayang dalhin pabalik sa Mindoro.
I was in the middle of packing my things when I heard a knock.
Mabilis na napaawang iyong labi ko nang makita ko si Samuel na nakatayo sa labas ng pintuan ko.
"Hi," he said, breaking the awkward silent.
"Hi," I replied, my forehead slightly creased at the confusion.
Bilang na bilang ko sa isip ko kung ilang oras kaming nakatayo lang doon. Hindi ko kasi alam kung ano ang gagawin. Papapasukin ko ba siya sa loob? But I knew I shouldn't. He's still married.
"How did you know that I'm here?" I asked just for the sake of asking. I couldn't take the silence and his stares.
He looked a bit uncomfortable. Pareho lang naman kami. It's been months since we last saw each other. It's good for us—or at least good for me. I really didn't know what exactly he felt about me. Pero ako, alam ko sa sarili ko na gusto ko pa rin siya...
So, the distance was good.
I had time to go back to my old hobbies.
Meet up with my old friends.
Spend time with my mom.
It felt like... me.
Before all the law school and the troubles.
Nakaka-miss din talaga nung mga panahon na simple lang ang buhay—na ang tanging problema ko lang ay kung mahuhuli ako ni Mama kapag tumatakas ako sa gabi para i-meet iyong mga kaibigan ko dahil gusto naming mag-inuman sa dalampasigan.
"Your mom called me."
Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "What? Why?" I asked, confused kung bakit bigla siyang tinawagan ni Mama.
"She just... wanted me to know that you're in Manila."
"Yeah... but why?" tanong ko. "Saka paano niya nalaman iyong number mo?"
"I used to send her updates before," he said. "Kapag masyado kang busy sa school, nagmemessage ako sa kanya na okay ka lang naman at busy lang talaga."
Hindi ako nakapagsalita dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. Ni hindi ko nga alam na may ganito palang nangyayari dati. I would have never suspected it dahil alam ko naman na hindi talaga gusto ni Mama na may boyfriend ako. Hindi niya ako pinagbawalan, pero alam ko rin na kung siya ang masusunod, mas gusto niya na single ako.
Distraction lang daw, pero admittedly, law school was a lot more bearable when he came into my life... until he became the very thing that made it unbearable.
"Oh. Okay," sagot ko na lang.
Napatingin siya sa mga box sa likod ko. "Lilipat ka?"
"Uuwi muna ako sa amin."
He gave me a small nod.
"Bakit ka nandito, Samuel?" tanong ko sa kanya. I think we've both established the fact that we're not happening. Feelings just aren't enough to make a relationship work kahit na gaano niyo pa ka-gusto... idagdag mo pa na kasal pa rin siya.
Ewan ko kung masyado lang ba ako... idealistic.
But I wanted to be the wife.
I wanted nothing less than that.
Kasi 'di ba parang ang tagal ko nang naghintay... kaya bakit ngayon pa ako makukuntento sa kung ano lang ang kaya niyang ibigay?
"Just wanna say goodbye," he said.
"Sa Mindoro lang naman ako pupunta."
"I mean... goodbye because I'm leaving."
Napaawang ang labi ko.
Bumilis iyong tibok ng puso ko.
"You're... leaving?"
"For a while," he said. "I'll be taking my LLM."
"Oh... Saan?"
"London," he replied.
Hindi ulit ako nakapagsalita.
Kasi ano ba ang sasabihin ko?
Goodbye?
Hope to see you again?
Alam ko na iyon ang dapat kong sabihin, pero hindi ko makuha na sabihin iyong mga salita na 'yon. Alam ko na kakasabi ko lang na hindi talaga magwowork sa pagitan namin... But a small part of me still took comfort in knowing that he's still there... Even before, when we weren't talking, I knew that he's still around...
That if there ever come a time when I miss him so badly that I couldn't hold it in anymore, I could always go to him...
But now, he's moving to the other side of the world.
Suddenly, I felt my whole world crumbling down.
"Two years lang naman," he said like he was trying to console me. "I need this."
I wanted to talk, to at least say a word, but I felt like all the words decided to betray me and escape me. Para lang akong tangang nakatayo roon sa harap niya. Para akong tangang masama ang loob kahit wala naman akong karapatan.
"Oh... So, wala na talagang annulment?" I asked.
"Five years," he said.
"What?"
"Within five years from the discovery of fraud," he replied and my lips parted upon realization of what he meant. "I just need to get away from everything for the meantime. But I'll get the annulment."
I just stayed where I was standing and looked at him.
Who would've thought that this is where we'd end up in?
"I still don't know what I want to do," he continued. "I feel like I've tried doing everything, but I always feel like I have no direction. I feel like I need this. To go back to studying. To figure out what I really want to do."
Two years.
London.
I looked at him and gave him a small smile. "I hope you find what you're looking for, Samuel."
He didn't immediately say a word, but he kept his gaze at me. I was all too aware with every breathe that I took.
"I already know what I want," he replied. "I just... I just need to find a way to get back there."
I saw how he tried to reach for me, but he quickly stopped himself. Inilagay niya iyong kamay niya sa loob ng bulsa niya. He looked at me and smiled.
"You need help with packing?" he asked.
Bahagya akong umiling. "No," I replied. "You have packing on your own."
"Naka-ayos na iyong mga gamit ko."
"Oh... Kailan ka ba aalis?"
"Bukas." Surprise was surely evident on my face. "I thought about this a lot. Nakausap ko na rin si Shanelle. We agreed to continue with the annulment when I get back. We all need this time," he said while looking at me like he was telling me that I need this time, too.
I just gave him a small smile. "Enjoy London," sabi ko kasi ano ba ang pwede ko pang sabihin?
"I will," he replied. "Enjoy the beach."
"Always."
"You sure na ayaw mo ng tulong?"
Umiling ako. "Just enjoy your last day in Manila."
"I'm trying," he replied while looking directly into my eyes.
"Okay," I said. I reached for the door and held it. "Uh... kailangan ko pang mag-ayos. Have a safe flight," I continued before I politely closed the door because I could not, for one more second, look at him and stop myself from breaking down because he's about to move to the other side of the world.
* * *
It only took me a day to finish packing dahil hindi ako tumigil hanggang hindi ako natatapos. I asked Kitty for a favor na siya na iyong bahala sa mga gamit ko na i-donate. She said yes without even asking me why. Nagkita kaming tatlo nila Iñigo for dinner. We talked about random things. Then bahagyang napaugsapan iyong pamilya. I smiled at them even though a small part of me really wanted what they have. And I hated myself dahil naiinggit ako sa kanila. They deserve every good thing they have in their lives.
Sana dumating iyong panahon ko.
Paguwi ko sa amin, hindi ko tinanong si Mama tungkol kay Samuel. Hindi ko alam kung ano iyong pinagusapan nila dati. Hindi ko na inalam kasi ano pa iyong sense?
I wanted to focus on the present.
So, I did.
After a lot of rest, I decided that it was time to start working again. Pero ayoko pa talaga bumalik sa Manila. There's something about home that makes you want to stay... Kung may iba na gustong umalis, ako naman iyong gustong bumalik.
I already tried the life in Manila. I liked it. But nothing beats the comfort of home for me.
"Nako, tatlong kopya po," paalala ko.
"Ay, sige po. Babalik na lang ako," sabi niya na napa-kamot ang batok.
I decided to open a notary public dito sa bahay namin. Maganda rin kasi medyo malapit dito iyong munisipyo at may mga kaibigan ako na doon nagta-trabaho kaya kapag may kailangan ipa-notaryo, sa akin nila tinuturo. It was quite lucrative kasi wala naman akong overhead costs masyado dahil sa bahay lang. Minsan din may consultation pero bihira lang din. Tahimik din kasi talaga ang buhay dito. Pinaka-problema lang minsan e agawan ng lupa. Hindi ko pa naman forte 'yon, so madalas e tinatanggihan ko talaga. Saka stressful 'yon. Kung gusto ko ng stress, babalik ako sa Manila.
"What?" I asked nang tumawag si Iñigo.
"Wala ka talagang balak bumalik sa Manila?"
"Wala pa naman," I replied. "Why?"
"Kailangan ng lawyer sa BGY."
"Wow... Irerecommend mo ako?"
"Syempre mag-aapply ka pa rin."
"Wala ka talagang kwentang kaibigan."
Natawa siya. "Syempre, work is work. Walang palakasan dito," he said. "Pero naka-trabaho ka naman na ni Yago. Okay din naman siya sa 'yo."
"Tignan ko," I said. "May deadline ba 'yan?"
"Usually meron... pero para sa 'yo, anytime na gusto mo na bumalik sa Manila."
"Naks naman..."
"Ewan ko sa 'yo," he said. "Sige na. Basta message mo lang ako. Laging may spot para sa 'yo dito."
Napa-ngiti ako.
Minsan, iniisip ko rin na kung ano kaya ang nangyari sa buhay ko kung hindi na ako pumunta sa Maynila para mag-aral. Kasi masaya naman talaga iyong buhay ko dito sa Mindoro. Pero kapag naaalala ko iyong mga kaibigan na nakilala ko?
Always worth it.
I made friends for life.
* * *
After the call with Iñigo, nag-ayos ako para pumunta sa sementeryo. May dala akong bulaklak saka kandila kahit alam ko na kukunin lang naman 'to nung mga bata.
"Hi," bati ko kina Mama at Papa.
Mama died a few months after nung huli naming pag-uusap ni Samuel. She died peacefully in her sleep. She was even smiling. I knew she was happy... sana. Kahit hindi natupad iyong pangarap niya dati. Magkasama kami palagi nung mga huling buwan niya dito sa mundo. Nagkwento siya sa akin tungkol sa buhay niya noon. She really did enjoy working as a flight attendant. Sana kung totoo man ang reincarnation, sa next life ni Mama, sana maging flight attendant siya. Iyong tipo na iyong route niya ay sa iba-ibang bansa. Sana sa next life niya, ma-enjoy niya talaga iyong buhay niya bago siya mag-settle down at magkaroon ng pamilya.
I wish she'd be able to live the life she wanted because she deserved that.
"It's been two years," sabi ko. "May offer sa akin na bumalik na sa Manila. Feel ko naman maayos magpa-sweldo sila Iñigo kasi ang kapal naman ng mukha niya mag-offer ng trabaho kung minimum wage ang ibibigay niya sa akin," dugtong ko. "Pero 'di ko alam kung gusto ko na ba bumalik... Kasi ang payapa ng buhay ko rito."
Nagbuntung-hininga ako.
"Hindi ako makapagdecide..." I said. "Masaya ako sa buhay ko rito... pero alam niyo 'yon? Minsan, namimiss ko rin humawak ng mga kaso. Kasi nag-enjoy din naman ako kahit nakaka-stress. Medyo may kaba lang sa akin na makalimutan ko 'yon kapag masyado akong nagtagal dito."
I looked at their tombs and smiled. Masaya kaya silang magkasama? Alam ko naman minahal nila iyong isa't-isa. Wrong timing and different priorities lang talaga... Sana okay sila ngayon kung nasaan man sila.
"Sana bigyan niyo ako ng sign para makapagdecide," I continued before I said goodbye and that I'd see them again soon.
Dumaan muna ako sa palengke para bumili sana ng lulutuin pero ubos na iyong mga sariwang isda. Maka-balik na nga lang bukas. Instead, dumaan muna ako sa karinderya. I looked at the menu.
"Tapsilog nga po," I ordered.
I hadn't heard from Samuel in a while. Wala akong balita din kay Shanelle. Wala akong alam kung natuloy ba iyong sinasabi niya na annulment. I just decided to live my own life. I needed to feel whole on my own. I just really needed it.
Diretso akong naglalakad pauwi hanggang sa bumagal ang paglalakad ko nang may makita akong pamilyar na mukha. He was standing outside the gate of my house. He looked the same, but also different. But the way he made me feel was still the same as before.
"Hi," he said when he saw me standing there, frozen on my spot.
"H-hi," I replied, not being able to hide the surprise.
Napatingin siya sa hawak kong plastic. Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya. "Tapsilog?" he asked.
I gave him a small nod.
He gave me a smile.
"Some things never change," he said that made my heart skip a beat.
He owned this heart the first moment I laid my eyes on him.
And I wanted to hate it, but God, I still do love him.
**
This story is already completed patreon.com/beeyotch. Subscription starts at 100php per month for all stories. You can also join the patreon facebook group. You can email beeyotchpatreon@gmail.com for assistance :) Thank you!