-Jax-
I stared up at the ceiling. I'd done that for a few days now. My body was still in pain, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the pain in my heart. Breathing felt like a task because of the heaviness of my chest. I blinked slowly and continued staring. My body tried to tell me it was hungry, but I ignored it. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't have the strength to do so.
I had no strength left to do anything anymore...
I'd had all this time to think. Almost a whole week had passed since I fell into the river, but I couldn't... I still wasn't ready to deal with it... With Nic, and what he'd done... I didn't want to think about him. I didn't have the energy to think about him... Or maybe it was the painkillers that made me too numb to do so. If that was the case, I wished to take even more of them, so I'd be too numb to even exist...
Because why would I want to exist? I'd lost so much... So suddenly too... Like my whole life had suddenly come to an end. Or like it never even existed. Maybe it had been just a beautiful dream. Taken away from me the moment I'd been the happiest.
I still couldn't understand. We'd just needed to get through that one night. That fucking stupid party. I thought that if we'd just got through that night, we could be happy. We got so close, too...
I'd thought his father was the only thing casting shadows over our happiness.
Nic... Why...?
I turned to my side and stared at a big black plastic bag in the corner of my room where I'd thrown it in my anger and hatred. My fathers had asked if they should get rid of it, but I'd yelled at them not to touch it. I didn't want it, but no one was allowed to touch it.
It was the dress... My beautiful dress... Ripped and dirty... I couldn't stand it. I wanted it out of my sight and out of my life, but even the thought of throwing it away filled me with such intense pain I thought I was dying.
I couldn't let go.
I was so hurt... But I couldn't let go.
I just wanted my boyfriend back... The one who had done nothing wrong to hurt me. The one who had fallen for me at first sight. The guy who had kept trying to get a date with me because he found me irresistible. The guy who'd cared about me from the very beginning.
Not the guy who didn't care if he broke my heart by accepting a stupid, childish challenge just because he was bored.
Why did they ever pick me as his victim...? Why me? Because they thought it would be fun to hurt the ugly monster from their childhood? Because they thought I deserved to suffer even more? More bullying? That it was all right to let me believe there actually was someone who cared about me, only to crush me? Again? After I'd already lost a whole life, my family, my home...
I lost it all again... I already was losing my home, and the life I thought I'd have was never actually real.
What had I done to deserve this...?
Why me...?
I hated him so much... I fucking hated him for lying to me this whole time. For ruining everything. I hated him so much I didn't want to see or hear from him ever again. I wanted him out of my life for good...!
But when that thought emerged, it left me gasping for air, and I saw him lying in my arms, looking up at me with a warm smile on his face and eyes sparkling at me... I saw him standing behind me in the mirror, hugging me, resting his chin on my shoulder, saying I was beautiful, handsome, hot. I saw him standing alone in the hallway at school, or outside behind the corner, looking lost and scared as he tried to breathe, his mind spiraling, but when he looked up and saw me, there was relief in his eyes. I saw him kissing my scars, calling my ugly marks interesting patterns. I saw him kissing me. I saw him making love to me.
I saw him standing in the rain, completely broken, and begging for my forgiveness.
Did I really want him out of my life for good? Was I really okay with losing him and everything we had? Everything we could still have?
But how could I forgive him...?
Later that day, as I was still in bed, I heard a car outside through the open window. I stopped breathing when the car stopped next to our house. The engine didn't turn off.
I knew that car so well by now... Hearing the strong engine had always brought so much joy whenever I'd heard it. But now I couldn't breathe. I knew it was a green Porsche. It only stood there for what felt like an eternity, while I waited, staying immobile.
Go away...
But no, the engine finally fell silent. Again, I waited, listening carefully. I heard the door being opened, and slowly, it was closed again. He was hesitating.
Nic...
He was just outside. I could almost feel him watching the house. What did he want? Why wasn't he leaving me alone? He knew I didn't want to see him, maybe ever again. He was only making things worse for me by trying to come see me. To beg for me to forgive him again? I'd heard his excuses already... His lies...
I heard his footsteps coming closer. They were slow and almost too quiet to be heard. My heart raced faster the closer he got. I could tell when he climbed on our porch and stopped behind our door. I held my breath...
The doorbell rang.
Pop went to open it.
"Why are you here?" Pop asked, his voice harsh. "You know you're not welcome here."
"Please... Let me talk to him... I need him to know that I'm sorry," Nic replied, his voice quiet, broken, and... scared... "I just want to see him..."
Hearing his voice broke me again. Was I really never going to hear that voice again...?
"The answer is no. You should leave now," Pop told him.
"Please! I just need to–"
"Leave. Now," Pop said, and slammed the door shut.
But Nic didn't leave... I didn't hear him walk away. And I...
I couldn't stop myself...
I got up and made my way to the window. I stopped when I saw Nic. He was crying as he stared at the door. His breaths were painful gasps... There was so much pain in him... He was holding something in his hands, but I couldn't see what it was from this angle. He looked down at it, still gasping, still trying to keep himself together.
He was breaking apart...
Nic...
He backed away from the door, taking two, three steps, then turned to face me like he'd felt me watching him. Our eyes met. Seeing me there broke something more in him. He gasped harder, more tears coming down on his gorgeous face...
"Jax, please," he spoke, taking a step toward my window, but I couldn't...
I looked away.
I felt my own tears streaming down my cheeks. The pain was too much... I'd felt pain greater than this only once... When I lost my previous life to the fire. It hurt so much right now I felt like I was dying...
But that pain wasn't there because of what he did...
"I'm sorry," Nic said, his voice small and shivering. "I'm so sorry for everything..."
But I didn't look at him. I still didn't know what to do... I still needed time...
I heard him moving behind my window, but I refused to look at him. I heard his cries and gasps, how weak he'd become. I could feel how much he needed me to look at him.
I didn't. I just couldn't...
But how could I be so cruel to him...? I turned back to see him, but he was already walking away. There was an envelope on the table under my window. It was the thing he'd been holding... It shifted a little in the wind. I turned to stare at Nic, who was getting in his car.
I gasped for air when he vanished in it, and harder when he drove away. It hurt so much watching him leave... I just wasn't ready. I turned to stare at the envelope, barely seeing it behind my tears. But the wind took it and dropped it on the ground.
I was up on my feet and running out the door before I could even consider it. By the time I was outside, the wind had taken the letter half across our yard. I ran after it and grabbed it before it could get any further away.
I stopped to stare at it. There was no writing on the envelope... It wasn't big or heavy, but there was a letter inside.
Did I want to read it...?
Nic...
Slowly, I returned to the porch and sat on the edge, still staring at the letter. I hesitated... but I could still see his fear and tears, and hear his broken voice...
God, it hurt so much to see him like that...
I opened the envelope and pulled out a single piece of paper. I stared at his handwriting, unable to read the words just yet. The word, sorry, was written on it countless times, and my eyes found all of them.
I breathed in and started reading. It was what I'd expected... He repeated all the same things he'd already told me. That he was sorry he accepted the bet. That he never should've done something so cruel and horrible. That it was the biggest mistake of his life and he'd regret it forever...
And that he fell for me almost immediately. That he'd never loved anyone else the way he loved me. That he should've seen how amazing I was long before he accepted the challenge. That I'd made him a better person.
That he couldn't live without me.
That he would love me forever...
I gasped for air, unable to see the words anymore because I was crying so hard. I cried out the pain...
I loved him. I loved him. I loved him...
I wanted him back. I wanted my boyfriend back. I didn't fucking care anymore. I just wanted the love of my life back right next to me, where he belonged.
My Nic... My gorgeous Gabriel who'd made me feel so loved...
I pulled my phone out of my pocket, trying to wipe away my tears so I could see the screen and find his number. I couldn't stand another second without him...
I brought the phone to my ear, hugging the letter while I waited to hear his voice again. I needed to hear he loved me, and that everything was fine once again... That we could work through this and be happy again...
If there even was something to work through. I didn't fucking care what he did. That pain in him was the same I had. We were miserable without each other. We were meant to be. I was fucking fine with the fact that it started as a stupid, stupid fucking bet. He'd done a stupid thing, yes, but I was willing to live the rest of my life believing it was just because his fucking father had poisoned his mind. I just needed him back in my life.
All I cared about was that he fell for me. He loved me and needed me, just like I loved and needed him. What other proof did I need besides the fact that he stopped me from confessing my love so he could first admit it all had started with a lie? It needed courage to admit something like that.
I just wanted him back. I wanted us to go back to being happy together.
But he didn't answer me.
I looked down at the letter. The last words he'd written at the bottom of it.
I will love you forever.
I heard sirens in the distance. I looked up and saw smoke in the sky, behind the rooftops... My phone kept making dull sounds as I waited for Nic to pick up. He should've picked up by now...
He should've...
I stopped breathing when I understood I wasn't holding a love letter...
It was a suicide note.
"Nic..." I whispered his name in fear.
I dropped the phone and the letter and ran. I ignored the pain in my body and the fact there was nothing I could do. I knew it was him... I should've understood he wouldn't know any other way out, that my cruelty would send his spiraling mind into whole new depths of darkness.
I'd never run as fast before. I followed the smoke in the sky, which didn't seem to get any closer, no matter how hard I tried to get to it. Like I was in a dream. In a horrible nightmare. My body wasn't ready for running like this, but I didn't care. I still ran like I could somehow stop this all from happening.
Like I could somehow not lose him.
No... I couldn't lose him. I wanted him back... I needed my boyfriend... He had to be all right! He had to...!
There was so much smoke...
My lungs were burning when I reached the street where the smoke was coming from. I saw the lights of firetrucks and ambulances in the distance, arriving at the scene so far away from me. I picked up my pace, or at least tried to. My body was in pain, but my heart and mind were numb.
It wasn't Nic, right...? He'd not done anything stupid again, right...? It couldn't be him. He wouldn't try to...
But I knew it was him.
Nic...!
I couldn't really understand what I saw. Maybe I just refused to see it. A car... crashed into a big pillar in the middle of the road. It was burning, the flames hot and strong even though the firemen tried to put it out.
"Nic...!"
Even in the distance, I could see the car was green. A small, green car, only the back of it visible in the middle of the flames. There were people everywhere, just watching in silence...
"Nic!"
It was a Porsche, melting in the heat as the fire kept burning, taking away my love...
"NIC!!"
Was I really going to lose yet another loved one to a fire...?
Someone stopped me when I reached the scene. I guess I would've ran straight into the flames if they hadn't. I screamed and fought back, crying my eyes out, yelling his name. The strong arms around me held me still, and an unfamiliar voice tried to tell me to calm down. A cop.
"No! Let me go! That's my boyfriend!" I yelled. "He'll die!"
"There's no one in it!" the cop yelled back, finally catching my attention. "There's no one in it anymore! They're already loading him up! See?"
I calmed down to see an ambulance on the other side of the wreck.
Nic! He was there! On the gurney that they hurriedly got in the back of the ambulance.
"Nic! Please! It's my boyfriend! I need to get to him!" I said, unable to take my eyes off him.
"He's in good hands, kid," the cop spoke.
"Is he all right...?" I asked, trying to pull my hand free from him so I could go to my love.
"Don't know. But they'll take care of him. I promise."
"I need to see him," I said, again trying to break free from his hold. "I need to make sure he's all right!"
"Okay, okay, just calm down, okay?"
I tried to, but my heart was still bleeding. He was going to be all right, right...?
"Come, then, but stay with me. It's not safe here," the cop said, and holding me by my arm, he led me to the ambulance that was about to drive off. The cop stopped them. "This kid says he knows the driver."
"We need to get going now," the medics told him hurriedly.
"Please! He's my boyfriend!" I said, begging.
The medic glanced at the cop, then at me. "Fine. In the front, hurry!"
I wanted to get in with Nic, but I didn't want to waste the precious time arguing, so I climbed in on the front seat with the driver. At least I could still see Nic... But my heart froze again when I did... He was unconscious...
And covered in blood.