I headed back to Germany later that week with Lynn and Ivy. We had plans to go to the party that Lena was raving on about. Jill and Elke were going to head over too, but were on a different flight to us.
"What are you thinking about?" Ivy asked as I stared at the screen in front of me, the plane moving ever so slightly with the turbulence outside.
"Nothing," I replied. To Ivy's right, Lynn was fast asleep, their fingers interlocked.
"We have discussed this many times before, Ludmila. You're the worst liar. What's wrong?"
"I'm just a little anxious."
"Act confident, and no one will question you." I looked at my sister, my eyes smirking as she had a smile on her face.
"I hate that."
"It's true."
I rolled my eyes, leaning against the window, seeing the grey clouds beneath us. There were so many things I wanted to say. So many thoughts I had bursting through my brain.
When we arrived back in Wolfsburg, Ivy followed Lynn back to her apartment, whereas I clambered my way to my own. I wanted to see her, and maybe this interaction would change everything. Maybe seeing her would be the catalyst for our worlds to evolve.
"I'm home," I called out, opening the apartment to find it empty. I looked around, peering in her room and on the balcony, but no one was in.
Mila: hey where r u?
Lena: just out getting food. Ill be home in 20
I breathed out knowing I would be seeing her shortly.
I unpacked my bags, throwing some clothes into the laundry and the others back into my wardrobe as I waited for her to come back. I didn't want to sit by the door, but the longing was getting too much. I was both nervous and excited at the same time.
After what seemed like an eternity, there were two knocks at the door. I straightened my hair, trying to tame the frizz from the plane. I sprayed an obscene amount of perfume, as I still hadn't showered since coming home.
Just breathe I thought to myself, as I walked to the front door. Wait, why was she knocking?
As I opened the door, it wasn't Lena who stood before me.
"Christiaan?" I exclaimed, seeing my old roommate from Amsterdam standing in front of me.
"Hi," he replied, a cheeky grin on his face. He soon walked inside picking me up, and hugging me softly. "Long time no see, Milas."
"What- what are you doing here?" I asked as he placed me back down on the ground. Something dropped in my stomach. How would I explain this to Lena?
"I'm coming to visit!"
"I-" but just as I was about to speak, another figure soon turned up in the doorframe. It was her. It was Lena.
Our eyes caught, and my heart turned to her. It was hers. It would always be hers.
"Who's this?" Christiaan asked. I turned to him, before looking back at Lena. I couldn't speak. Words weren't forming. Nothing was coming out.
"Mila?" she questioned, seeing the man who stood ever so close beside me. There was a sadness in her eyes; I felt it within my own too.
"Christiaan, this is Lena; Lena, this is Christiaan. Christiaan was my roommate in Amsterdam. Lena is my- my- my roommate here." I looked away not wanting to say anything anymore. I wanted to disappear forever. I wanted to crawl away and hope this day would come to an end.
"Great to meet you," Lena said, but her tone said otherwise. She soon walked into our apartment, placing the groceries on the table before heading into her room.
"She was cold," Christiaan said, laughing.
"Yeah, well, this was a tad unexpected," I answered him, a lack of excitement very clear in my voice.
"I thought it would be a nice surprise," he replied. I looked at him, and even though there was very little love between us, I felt for him. I wasn't good to him, and I didn't want that to translate the same, even two years later.
"It is," I soon said, going over to him. "It's nice to see you." I pressed a hand to his cheek, before heading into the kitchen, to grab something to drink. "You want something?"
We spent the afternoon catching up on almost everything. I took him to my room and we sat on the floor, drinking. He had brought a few treats with him from Amsterdam, and even though that was definitely not allowed, having traveled by car, there was no checking along the way.
I opened the window, pulling the cigarette into my mouth, and breathing it in.
"Reminds me of home," I laughed, as the smell filled my room. I felt his eyes on me, but I tried my best to ignore it. I didn't want to think of us as anything more than friends. What we were before is different now.
"I've really missed you, Milas." I felt him come over to me, his body leaning near mine. I breathed it in for a moment before I realized what was going on. I moved away, handing him to cigarette.
"I'm sorry, Christiaan..." He backed off as I started to say this, taking a drag himself.
"So, who is it then?"
"Sorry?" I asked, confused.
"Who has your heart now?" I laughed, taking another swig of my drink. It was nice to feel my head become a little lighter now.
"My heart?"
"Yeah."
"Just someone." I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to tell him what was going through my head. He wouldn't get it.
"You should introduce me," he laughed. I looked away, chuckling softly.
"That's never going to happen."
"Why?"
You've already met her, I felt like saying, but I didn't. I took another drink before looking back up to him.
"Because you don't need to." He grudged, not wanting to get on my bad side.
The day soon turned to night, and I felt myself knock on Lena's door. I wanted to go inside. I wanted to be with her, not with him. I'd already spent more time with Christiaan in the last five hours than I had with him since I left Amsterdam.
"Hi," I said, walking into her room and closing the door behind me. She had just changed into some going-out clothes, as the party was soon about to start.
"Hey," she answered, looking at me up and down. I was wearing a small, black top, with no fabric on the back. My skirt was short, but not too short, and the boots landed on my knees.
"Can I wear your jacket?" I asked her, laughing softly.
"The black one?" she confirmed, and I nodded my head. She walked into her wardrobe grabbing it for me, and throwing it across to me. There was a tension between us that we both felt. For a while, I thought it had disappeared, but it really hadn't. Nothing had changed, except now it was worse.
Now I had Christiaan to deal with too.
I was going to say something; speak some words that we were both feeling. But I didn't. I took the jacket before walking out, seeing Christiaan sitting on our couch.
"I haven't been to a football party since you left Amsterdam," he said.
"Well, seeing as you aren't a footballer, it's not surprising." I soon heard Lena's door open, and she walked out.
"You guys ready?" she asked, looking at me. I nodded my head, and we stood up, heading on our way.
The Uber drive was silent. I was sitting in the middle, with Lena on my left and Christiaan on my right. I felt his body touch mine, more than I had liked, and I felt myself move closer and closer to Lena. If there was anywhere in this world I wanted to be, it certainly was not here.
When we walked through the doors to the bar that had been rented out for the night, I lost Lena. She had gone over to Jule, who had also made the trip over. All of the Wolfsburg team was here, as well as the German National team. It was going to be the biggest party of the year, both the past year and the upcoming one.
"So many footballers," Christiaan said, looking around. I felt his arm hug onto my waist. I pushed his hand off, softly, not wanting to be rude but not wanting him to touch me.
"Why don't you get yourself a drink?" I said to him, before almost rushing away to find my sister and Jill.
Jill was standing with Ivy and Lynn, and I walked over to them, before crashing myself into their arms.
"Please save me."
"Is that Christiaan?" Jill asked, so bewildered.
"Yes!" I exclaimed.
"Why is he here? I thought-"
"Me too!" I responded, interrupting her.
"Did he turn up unannounced?" Ivy asked, her arm wrapped around Lynn, both with drinks in their hands.
"Yes!" I cried out.
"Just take a breath," Jill soon said, "and it'll all be oka-" but she soon cut herself off. Her eyes caught the door, and I turned around to see two people I had not expected.
"Oh my god. Ingrid!" I screamed. "Frids!" I ran over to my friends, falling into their arms, and hugging them tightly. "I didn't know you guys were coming."
"We wouldn't miss it," Ingrid responded.
"I'm in crisis," I said to both of them.
"What's happened?" Frido asked.
"Um... apartment guy #1 rocked up to my place, and is here." I nodded over to the bar, and they both saw Christiaan ordering the drinks.
"Wait, apartment guy #1... isn't he the guy that told you to not leave Amsterdam because he loved you?" Frido confirmed.
"Ding ding ding, that's him." But before I could say any more, Christiaan came over, handing me a drink. Once again his hand found my waist, but I moved away, hoping he would soon get the idea. Hoping he would just leave without me having to beg.
"Who's this?" he asked me, and I turned to my friends before introducing them.
"Ingrid, Frids, this is Christiaan; Christiaan, this is Ingrid, and Frido." They gave him two smiles, but I could read them. They weren't being friendly; they were being curt.
I was soon able to leave Christiaan hiding away upstairs on the balcony. Ingrid followed me out, and we sat beside each other, with a nice view of the street below. The Christmas lights still hung up from the previous week, and the many people dancing below brought out a little happiness I hadn't felt since I left home earlier in the day.
"I forgot that Jill was going to be here," Ingrid said, sipping on her drink.
"Oh yeah, I didn't even realize."
"It's okay. I'm actually- I'm kind of talking to someone."
"Shut the front door!" I responded, putting down my own drink. "Ingrid Engen, tell me everything."
"So, I'm kind of talking to... Mapi Leon." My eyes widened.
"As in I-tattoo-my-own-body Mapi Leon?" Ingrid laughed and nodded her head.
"Yeah."
"Holy shit, Ingrid. Congrats."
"Nothing is official but... I think it's going well." I smiled at my friend, genuinely really happy for her.
"That's really- I'm really happy for you."
We continued drinking together, as the clock slowly started to wind down to midnight. Frido joined us outside, with Alex as well. Thankfully I had been able to stay far away from Christiaan, and I hoped somewhere that he had found someone else to keep him entertained.
"I really hope he doesn't want me to be his midnight kiss," I said to my friends, as we sat together.
"Well, he only has 10 minutes to find you." I checked my watch to see that Alex was correct. It was 11:50 pm.
"Where's Lena?" I asked them.
"Downstairs," Alex answered. I soon stood up, leaving the table behind me. I knew what I wanted to do. I had ten minutes to succeed.
I rushed down the stairs, heading back into the main part of the bar. There were over 50 people here, and half of them I didn't even recognize. I tried finding her, and I even found a chair to stand on to look for the girl I wanted to see more than anything.
"What are you doing?" a voice said, and I looked down to see Christiaan watching me stand on the chair.
"I'm trying to find Lena," I replied.
"Why?" he asked. I glared at him, my eyes piercing his.
"Why do you care?" I retorted.
"Jesus, what's up with you Milas?"
"Stop calling me Milas."
"What is your issue?" I knew I was about to get angry.
"You're my issue!"
"I'm sorry?"
"Why are you here?"
"I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to..."
"Wanted to what?"
"I still love you." I rolled my eyes, getting off the chair and looking at him in the face.
"I don't. I still don't. I never did. Please, Christiaan, understand that." His eyes looked as if they broke, and even though I knew I was telling the truth, I felt something churn in me.
"I- Okay."
"I'm sorry." I grabbed his hand, not wanting to hurt him. I wanted to get my point across, but I knew I didn't have to harm him. I soon wrapped my arms around him, hugging him softly. "We can still be friends."
"Yeah. Okay," he responded, but I knew his heart wasn't in it. I wouldn't have been surprised if when he left Wolfsburg, I'd never hear from him again.
"I need your help," I soon said, turning towards him.
"Okay?"
"Have you seen Lena?"
"Your roommate?"
"She's not just your roommate."
"Holy shit. Wait, Mila, you're..." but he didn't say anything.
"I don't know what I am but that doesn't matter. I just need to find her." I looked around the room but turned back to Christiaan. He looked stressed, running his hand through his hair. "What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were trying to find her."
"What do you mean?"
"He saw us hugging, a few moments ago, and walked out the door."
"She left?"
"Yeah-" but before he could say anymore, I raced out the front, trying to find her on the busy street. It was filled with even more people than before, dancing, drinking, and waiting for midnight.
I checked my watch: 11:57 pm.
I tried calling her, twice. But there was no response.
Shit, I thought to myself. I had lost my chance.
I walked through the crowded streets, but the clock continued to pass.
11.58 pm.
11.59 pm.
And no sooner had I walked the entire length of the street, than the clock struck midnight. I turned around to see everyone in the street kissing their loved ones.
Lena, where are you? my brain screamed at itself.
I went back inside the bar, finding Jule sitting on a stool with one of her own teammates beside her. I didn't recognize her, but maybe that was just my foggy, Lena-orientated brain.
"Mila!" she exclaimed, giving me a hug.
"Hi. Have you seen Lena?"
"She left me a little while ago. Said she needed to clear her head. Is everything okay?"
"No."
"Oh. I see." I could tell Jule soon understood what was going on. I was glad I didn't have to say anything; she just knew.
"I just really need to find her."
"She just said that she was going somewhere to sit and think."
Sit and think.
Sit and think.
I knew where she was.
"Jule, you're amazing," I said, kissing her head, before racing out once again.
I headed down to the water, walking quickly along it. The cold (now) January air was brushing against my face, but I powered through. I had to find her.
I arrived at the glass building, walking around it. I did a full loop before I realized she wasn't there.
I picked up my phone, calling her again. But it went to voicemail.
"Lena, it's me. Where are you? I really want to talk. Please don't ignore me. Please answer your phone. There is so much I want to say. There is so much I want to tell you. I just- I just need you to answer. I'm at the museum. I thought you'd be here. I'm not sure why. I should stop rambling. Please, just call me back." I soon hung up, before starting to make my way back to our apartment.
As I walked past the main entrance, I heard a rustle. I turned around, and to my surprise, she was there.
"Lena?" I said, quietly.
"Hi."
"Did you hear that?"
"The voicemail? Yes. What do you want to say?" She looked nervous, as if everything rode on this, because, to be honest, it really did. We both knew that.
"I'm sorry about today. I didn't know what to do."
"With what?"
"Everything."
"Mila..." she soon said, but I walked over to her, standing closer than I was before.
"I was trying to find you."
"Didn't seem like you were."
"It wasn't what you think."
"Really Mila? Because it seems like it's exactly what I think." I shook my head, wanting to find the words to explain.
"It's not." She chuckled softly, looking away, before walking past me. "Please don't walk away from me."
"What do you want me to do?"
"I- I don't know." She ran her hands through her hair, as she stood a few steps down from me now.
"I don't know what you want," she soon said. "You've been my best friend for two years now, Mila. But I love you. Don't you see? I love you. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep watching you come home every week with a new guy when I want to be that person you take home. I want to be that person. Isn't it obvious? Isn't it clear?"
Maybe everything was clear. Maybe everything was obvious.
"I think I love you too."
note:
- hehehe what happens next do we think??