Tara's POV
"I asked Addison for the divorce." Derek said.
A thousand thoughts running through my head. "What do you expect me to say?"
"I don't know... that you want to be with me? That you love me? Because, god, I love you so damn much."
"If it was simply about love I wouldn't hesitate to run to you, but it's not that simple, I need time."
"Time for what?" I didn't answer. "When will you know?"
"I-I don't know..."
Love was always a concept hard for me to grasp. I find it hard to believe. The idea of true love seemed like a joke. An abstract thing...
*
Cristina and I were jogging in the park.
"Oh you're stupid. Oh God. You're stupid, evil, sadist and I wanna kill you."
"You're the one that's stupid. Jogging gives you endorphins. Endorphins are mood elevators. This is supposed to make us feel better." I said
"Oh god. Do you feel better?"
"Physically? Sure. Mentally? Fuck no."
"How do you physically feel better?!"
I shrugged. "I like jogging. Keeps my mind away from my problems."
She rolled her eyes. "Slutty mistress."
"Pregnant whore."
"Sleeping with our bosses was a great idea. Why didn't you force Meredith to come?"
"I tried but apparently Stone runs marathons so jogging is ruined for her." We dropped to the ground to catch our breaths. "You know what's ruined for me?"
"Ah?"
"Ferry boats. They reminded me of London and Derek's got a thing for ferry boats. Oh and spinal tumors. I loved spinal tumors."
"You know what's ruined for me? Coronary artery by-pass grafts ... and aortic aneurysms. God I used to love aortic aneurysms."
Every time I saw someone in love I'd think they were crazy. Surgeons are control freaks. With a scalpel in your hand, you feel unstoppable. There's no fear, there's no pain.
"Have you cried yet?" I asked
"Hello?"
You're 10 feet tall and bullet proof.
"Do you think we'll feel better if we cry? You know like just let it out?"
"Probably."
But with love... it is simply something I could not understand. I could not control.
"Do you wanna cry now?" I gave her an 'are you serious' look. "Okay, lets, lets jog."
With love all the beautiful control you have as a surgeon just falls to crap.
*
We were in the Locker room. Alex and Izzie are laughing together.
"What is she doing?" Asked Cristina
"She's hanging out with Alex." Answered George.
"Why?" Wondered Cristina.
"He is not that bad." I said
"I dunno. I think ... ... I think they might be friends..." said George. "Make the lambs stop screaming."
We walk in a hallway. "You guys are wrong about him, alright? Once you get to know him, he's really sweet." Izzy told us.
"He's Alex." Said George. I rolled my eyes
"Punk ass." Added Cristina.
I happened to be friends with Alex, but I would never agree with Izzy in front of these many people, so I didn't say anything.
"Hey Grey. Izzie was telling me you have tapes of your mom performing surgery. I'd kill to see the Ellis Grey in action." Yelled Alex
"Hey you know what? Maybe you can come over tonight and we can all watch it together? Right?" Izzy said
"Oh yeah, if this were a hell dimension." Responded Meredith.
"Yeah, run away pig boy." Said Cristina
"Classy as always Cristina." I said and walked towards Alex.
"What?" Cristina asked confused.
George stops in front of Izzie. "Do you have a thing for Alex?"
"No."
"Oh."
"I don't."
"Are we saving lives or having a tea party? Walk faster people." Bailey told them.
*
During rounds I was presenting my patient. "Kelly Roche. She's 23 years old. In for a scheduled ETS for treatment of her erythrophobia hyperpyrexia." I explained.
Bailey directed to Kelly. "You have any questions about the procedure?"
"Oh. Dr. Sh ..." She blushes badly and she tries to get it to go away by fanning her face "... Dr. Shepherd explained everything. He was very... huh...helpful. He gave me some literat ... sorry..."
"Don't be. Half the patients that come through here have the hots for Shepherd." Said Alex. I rose a questioning eyebrow.
"Dr. Karev." Bailey warned.
"What? ... It's true."
We got out of Kelly's room and Bailey approached us. "Hey there's a new surgical case coming up from the pit. Likely diverticulitis. Let's go." She said.
It was a blonde woman. "Watch it! Hands off me! I could report you to the chief and you'd be out on your ass." She yelled. Cristina grabbed her chart and with wide-eyes she showed me the name of the woman. My expression mirroring hers. Ellis Grey. "Where is the chief?!?"
"Patient's name is ...ah..." Cristina stuttered.
"Where is the chief?!? You're all amateurs." Ellis yelled again.
"complaining of intermittent cramping pain and diarrhea. Also suffers from ...ah.."
"AMATEURS!"
"...Alzheimer's."
"Patient's name?" Asked Bailey. Cristina and I shared a look.
"Um..."
"Yang! Patient's name!"
Then Ellis looked at Meredith. "What the hell are you doing here?" Meredith scurries off, hiding behind an office corner, peeking her head out. "Haven't I told? How many times have I told you not to bother me when I'm at work?!"
"Ellis Grey." Cristina finally said.
"Meredith's mother." George realized.
Izzie, Alex, George, Christina and me were in the hallway just outside the locker room being blocked by Dr. Bailey. Meredith is inside.
"Meredith, are you okay?" George asked.
"Hey Meredith, you know um my great grandmother, she died with Alzheimer's." Said Cristina. I shook my head at her, half in disbelieve, half in amusement at Cristina's antics. I knew it wasn't the moment to be amused but I'm fucked up like that.
"My god, why would you say that?" Izzy says.
"Look, I'm just trying to help."
"You should do something or say something." Izzy told me.
"What do you want me to say? I don't exactly have that much experience in the family department."
"You—" she was about to reply but was cut off by Bailey. "Just zip." She said and handed me and Alex a chart. "Dr. Parks and Karev stick with ETS case and Alex her blushing impulse not a toy for you to play with or button for you to push. Understood?" She said and we left.
*
I did the pre-op exams and headed to Burkes OR before I could scrub in Kelly's surgery. As I walked through the hallways of the hospital a nurse approached me.
"Dr. Parks, this was left for you." She said. It was a bouquet of tulips, I almost threw up. I graved the flowers and threw the in the first trash can I found. That was the moment I knew what I had to do... if I couldn't scape him, I would at least keep the people around me safe.
I sat in the Gallery next to Bailey and Izzy, still rattled about the tulips incident.
"Did you know about Ellis Grey? Did Meredith tell you?" She asked us.
"No. It's just that you think, you think you know someone. You know who they are. You share a house. Make wishes on eyelashes with them. ... We don't know each other. None of us. We're just a bunch of interns who work together. There's nothing there." Izzy said. I fought the urge to roll my eyes.
"Everyone is entitled to have secrets..." at that moment Cristina collapse and we run to the OR.
"Tara go check on your patient, you can't be here, you're too close." She told me.
"But—"
"Don't argue, just leave." Stormed out. And went to scrub in on Kelly's surgery. Before I went in to the OR I run into Derek.
"Hey" he greeted.
"Hey, I—"
"Drs. We are ready." A nurse told us.
"Can we talk after?" I asked, he nodded.
*
After the surgery, I was sitting in a bench outside the hospital, when Derek walked up to me. "You wanted to talk?" He asked. His tone was hopeful, he was trying to hide it, but I could tell that it was. And I hated myself for what I had to do.
"I did." I smiled sadly. "There's something I need to say. And I need you to promise that you won't interrupt, otherwise I won't be able to finish."
"Okay..." he frowned
"Promise me."
He hesitated. "I promise."
"You are the first person I've ever loved. You are an amazing guy and I couldn't be more grateful for the time we had. But..." I started crying. And a tear slid down his cheek and I knew he was fighting the urge to talk. "But I can't be with you. I'm no good. And you have a beautiful wife that loves you, so..." my voice cracked. "I don't want to be the reason why you are not happy. I don't expect you to understand but you need to believe me when I say that I'll ruin you." We were both crying, struggling for words. Then I did something neither of us expected. I kissed him. It was a beautiful kiss and when I pulled away, I was left feeling completely empty.
"I just needed to do that one more time... Goodbye Derek."
Never understood the things people did for love... until I met him...
That night I slept in Cristina's room. Without even realizing I had cried myself to sleep.
A/N
Hii everyone.
It's taking me a while to upload, even though it's a short chapter, because I'm swamped with homework. I hope you liked it...What did you think?
I wanted Tara to be the one that breaks up with Derek because in most fanfics its the guy that breaks the relationship and the girls is left begging so I wanted to switch it up.