TITLE: Day and Night
AUTHOR:
REVIEW METHOD:
Buttered Toast Method
BLURB: Many times, less is more. Your first paragraph hooked me, placing Maya as the primary protagonist and laying out her adventure to another land for the mystical Festival of Life. I'm looking forward to seeing her growth.
However, a blurb is not meant to explain your entire story. The hook is what you want—and you got me! I want to see these eight isles and the Festival of Life. I think the central part of the blurb, where you talk about the other missions and the executions hanging over her head, is distracting and ultimately, unnecessary.
You hooked me in the beginning! That's the core of what a blurb really needs to do.
CHAPTERS READ: Prologue — Chapter 4
REVIEW
Great use of varied sentence lengths. As early as the first paragraph, I found myself hanging on each line because you kept them short, staccato, almost stressful. You built tension well.
Be careful of moving too fast, though, and making grammatical errors. Especially in chapters 3 and 4, it was difficult to tell who was speaking, as you'd attach multiple characters to a dialogue line.
One concern I had was the way you jumped between characters. Your book appears to be written from a Third Person Limited point of view. Third Person Limited can include the interior perspectives of multiple people, but it's typically frowned upon to switch perspectives within a chapter.
It's a common mistake, but one that can be overcome with concentration. Let's look at chapter one. Because Maya is the first character I read here, and because she is the named character in the blurb, I instantly assume it's in her PoV. And for the most part, it is.
As she fights Gunther, we observe it through her. Imagine a little drone over her shoulder with access to her brain. So when something happens, we get her internal reaction: "The scowl on his face sent a deep thrill through her...". We experience her thrill in a way no other character can. Great work!
However, only a couple paragraphs later, we jump into Gunther's head: "Gunther hissed at the words, annoyance crackling within him. He got up, his sight still caught up in a wrap of black dots." Maya doesn't know for a fact that Gunther is annoyed. She can't; she's not in his head. She also can't know his vision is clouded. A better way to express these two sentences could be like this:
"Gunther sneered at the suggestion. As he pulled himself up, Maya watched him wobble ever so slightly."
Maya (our Point of View) can see a sneer, and can see a wobble. Therefore, it remains within her Third Person Limited PoV.
The switch in PoV happens every so often, but definitely often enough that it distracted me. Same with the switch to Mallory and Dawn's PoV at the end of Chapter Four.
I'm very impressed with your imagery, though. "Maya jerked, saliva sputtering as she coughed," is such a short but powerful sentence. Jerk, sputter, and saliva are visceral. I can really see this moment in my mind.
I wish we'd gotten a bit more description of the environment of the Western Isle. Though the characters were tangible, I found myself feeling like I was just kind of floating in space. It lacked a clear description to help anchor me in the story.
Overall, a very good start to the story! Maya is a compelling main character with flaws and strengths. I'm also interested in learning more about Mallory, who I'd guess is some sort of Elementalist, since you returned to her PoV after the story of the creation of humans and Elementalists.
I hope the named (presumably) murdered noble from the prologue is tied back in. I would have to guess that Mallory and Maya at least begin as enemies, but then join together to bring about a rebellion.
So yeah, those are my guesses based on the beginning of your story. Thanks for letting me read and review!