📍 Amsterdam — 2020
I woke up on the living room floor, hugging onto the striped red pillow. My eyes burned from my contacts staying in and I blinked away the dryness, helping bring back some moisture to my eyes. I turned my body, finding Harry sleeping on the floor next to me. I smiled softly at the sleepy mess he was, his hair going in so many different directions, soft snores coming from him. I chuckled softly, looking around us at the mess filling the living room from the night before. A soft smile spread on my cheeks remembering it
Harry's laugh filled the space, slipping a night blue condom on another banana. He licked his fingers, eyes widening, "That actually does taste like blueberries, like candy blueberries."
I reached for the banana, licking the side of the blue condom, my eyes wide, "It does." I giggled. Harry and I had spent the rest of the night at the custom condom store, buying every single weird version of condoms they had available. We covered the living room in inflated condoms, covered bananas in condoms, even slipped the cock ring on one; finding out it was a vibrator as well.
"Wouldn't that hurt you?" I asked him, seeing how it squeezed on the banana.
"Mmm, it feels slightly uncomfortable, but it helps an erection last longer, the vibrations can help both parties feel good." He said, turning on the vibrations, wiggling his eyebrows at me.
"You're so unserious, Harry." I chuckled, hitting a condom balloon his way.
"I know, but I think we need the unseriousness, don't you think?" He said, popping the inflated condom, making us both laugh.
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I shook my head a bit, pushing up off the floor, careful to not wake him. I began carefully picking up pieces of popped condoms, leaving the couple still in balloon form for later. I came back, picking up the bananas, slipping off the cock ring and condoms, placing them in the sink to rinse them off.
Looking around the kitchen, I found a kettle, filling it with water and placing it to boil for some coffee. I knew Harry wanted pancakes for breakfast, so I didn't bother cooking, instead heading into my room to grab a sketch book. I came back, sitting on the living room floor again, taking in the room. My eyes landed on Harry, my new muse it seemed. My eyes traced over his face, his perfectly shaped nose, sharp like the rest of his features. I giggled to myself, pressing the pencil against my lips, realizing I really was about to draw his nose.
I opened my sketchbook, lightly starting to create the outline of his nose, the dips right above his nostrils, the small button that the point of his nose created. I drew the small freckle hidden in the bend where his nose met his cheek. I pushed my tongue between my lips as I started shading everything in. I added the bits of mustache that had been growing in, smiling at how much I liked this detail about him
I could hear the start of the kettle hissing, letting me know I needed to finish up before the loud whistle woke up Harry. It was the messiest shading I had ever done, yet somehow it was still perfect. I quickly wrote Amsterdam '20 in the corner, closing my sketchbook and pushing back up on my feet.
Padding my way into the kitchen, I pulled out two cups, prepping each with a spoonful of instant coffee. I didn't know if he took sugar, so I added some water then cream. I placed them carefully on small plates, making my way over to him. I gently managed my way back onto the floor, placing the cup of coffee close enough to his nose, hoping the aroma would start to wake him up.
He stirred gently as I sipped on my coffee, his hand coming to his face, rubbing against it. He let out a soft groan, peeking an eye open, my fingers waving at him. He sighed out, a sleepy smile appearing on his face, "Morning, Lina."
I titled my head at the use of a nickname only my mum ever called me, eyes narrowing, "Morning, Harry."
He stretched his body, pushing up into a sitting position, reaching for his coffee, "Why am I getting the judging eyes already, I just woke up." He said, furrowing his eyebrows, tired eyes glaring at me making me chuckle.
"My mum was the only person to ever call me Lina, and maybe my nona. Most people resort to Cat, which I hate." I said scrunching my face at him, a small hum coming from him as he sipped his coffee.
"Cat, sounds too aggressive. Lina...Lina sounds like a smile. I woke up, looked at you, and you felt like a smile." He licked the coffee off his lips, shrugging.
"That's sweet, Harry," I bit my lip, shaking my head slightly at him, "My mum used to tell me I was made of whatever gumdrops were made from. I was sweet but stuck to others like gumdrops on teeth."
I laughed while sipping my coffee, "I guess I got attached too easily. Bit of a problem." I rolled my eyes, settling the coffee on my lap.
"I'm the same way...I become so fascinated with people..I love friends. I love being surrounded by good vibes. I think that's why I love touring so much. There is always people around. I don't do well in solitude, I hate the silence most times. I know there is comfortable silence, like our ride through the Chunnel....but then there is the silence that's so loud, I hate it."
"Doesn't it ever get too loud though? The constant go? The constant groups of people, all the different personalities. I need my moments of solitude. I need to sometimes just sit with my thoughts, with the sounds from the outside."
"I think my mind is louder than the people I surround myself with." Harry said, his gaze down at his coffee, brows furrowed.
I licked my lips, placing my coffee down, moving myself over to him, "Hey. Sometimes you need to empty out your thoughts to clear the noise. You build up your walls high, the one surrounding the topic of Robin is almost touching the sun."
He glanced up at me, eyes searching mine, "It's only our fourth day together, cut me a little slack."
I chuckled a bit, "I know, I'm just worried we will be way into the trip and I'll be the only one doing the healing bits."
"You won't...I'll try. Trust me. I just don't know where to begin unpacking." He said softly.
"I mean, I think I know." I said gently, my hand without thinking moved to brush his messy hair out of his forehead.
"Hmm, and what do you think you know, Lina?" His eyes searched mine, and even though I felt the flush starting in my neck I didn't look away.
"I think you need to start by unpacking the guilt you feel about not being present. You were doing what you had to do, what you were held responsible for at the time. You need to learn to grasp onto that idea and not feel guilt. We can regret the things we wish we would have done; but we cannot forever live in the giant shadow of 'what if'."
His face was serious for the smallest of moments before half a smile cracked on his face, "How do you manage to do that?"
"To do what?"
"Render me speechless so often." He said, making me chuckle softly. I looked down for a moment, before moving my gaze back up to him.
"I'm special, you know this." I said, sitting up straight and he laughed.
"Something like that." He chuckled, and I looked away from him, reaching for my coffee. I brought the cup to my lips, taking a long sip.
"So, where did you want to go for pancakes?" I wiped my lips with my thumb, knowing he wanted to move on from the previous conversation.
"I believe the Pancake Bakery and the Pancake Club are the big ones right now. I'm fine with either." He said, drinking more of his coffee.
I nodded, "Why don't you start getting ready. I need to finish cleaning up our mess from last night and rinse off the poor bananas we harassed." I said pointing back to the sink.
He chuckled, "Nope. I'll go wash those and the dishes. You pick up around the living room. Team effort."
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We had spent about thirty minutes cleaning everything up from the night before, and now I stood in our shared bathroom applying a light layer of skin tint. It was a chilly day, so I chose an orange knit with a black turtleneck underneath, denim overalls and black combat boots. Harry knocked on the door frame, our eyes connecting through the mirror
"Can I brush my teeth?" He said and I nodded, moving to the side and making room for him near the sink. I placed my skin tint back in my bag, reaching for my favorite peach blush. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Harry, loading toothpaste on his brush, running it under the sink water before beginning to brush his teeth.
"You don't wet first?" I said, turning to face him and he raised an eyebrow, shaking his head
"I don't either, everyone always thinks I'm so weird, and gives me this giant speech about how the toothpaste will just fall off. I always mention how it doesn't, my toothpaste is always perfectly fine." I said, applying my blush as I face him; Harry continuing to brush his teeth with a smile.
He turns to the sink to spit out and rinse, looking up at me and smiling. I hand him a fresh face towel that he used to dry off, "I agree, I like it smushed down and a little wet. So it doesn't stick to more teeth than others."
"Yes!" I exclaim, pointing my blush brush at him causing him to laugh.
"Only you, Lina, will cause excitement over the mechanisms of brushing one's teeth." He tapped my nose for the first time today and I realized I would miss it if he ever stopped.
"I think little things like that are important. Like when drinking coffee from Starbucks, I like the spout to line up with the green logo....of both the sleeve and cup." I said, putting my blush away and he propped himself up on the sink.
"Hmmm, I bet you also fix your bed every morning." He teased, my eyebrows furrowing.
My body turned completely towards him, "You mean, if I walk in that room, your bed isn't made."
"Lina."
"Harry." I said, starting to slowly push off the counter, his long arm quickly stopping me, wrapping around my waist.
"The world isn't going to fall apart if my bed isn't made. Finish getting ready." He said, pulling me softly to him.
I could feel a heat build from our closeness, my body moving away from him as I swallowed, "You get a pass today, cause I'm hungry....but tomorrow, I'm going in there." I said, returning to stand in front of my makeup bag, pulling out my brow gel and mascara to finish off.
He shook his head laughing, reaching over and tugging at my knit sleeve gently, "Nice jumper."
I glanced down at where he pulled, looking up at him and realizing he was also wearing a bright orange, paired with flared pants. I pinched my lip, giggling softly, "Walking traffic cones is what we are going to look like.
"As we should be! A sight for everyone to witness!" He said, jumping off the small counter. "I'm going to go throw the comforter over my sheets, pretend my bed's fixed. See you in a bit" He shrugged, backing out of the door making me roll my eyes as I turned back finishing my makeup.
I laughed as I watched Lina ordered, two different kinds of pancakes, dulce de leche and bananas on one, strawberries and Nutella on the other. She wrapped it all up with soy latte. There was an excitement in her eyes as she did and I couldn't shake the feeling that her mum was there with us; whispering in her ear exactly what she would order. I ordered the giant crepe with strawberries, bananas and Nutella, Robin's favorite whenever my mum made them back home. A latte for myself as well.
We had decided on the Pancake Club, a cute little round restaurant that made you feel like you were tucked away from the city, resting on the canals. Windows covered the entire round, so you could still see the bustle of the crowds around you
"Did you see how big those crepes are? It's bigger than my head and I have a big ass head!" She said, her head pointing towards the people next to us, big doe eyes looking over at me making me laugh.
"That's why we have to go boxes and a home with a fridge." I said matter of factly and she nodded, pushing her hair behind her ear. I loved that some of her curls had started coming back, it added to her soft playfulness.
"True, a sweet midnight snack. So what's on the itinerary for today. I want to find cute little trinket stores, buy something small to remember Amsterdam by." She smiled as the waitress brought us our coffees, placing them down in front of us.
We both thanked her, taking a sip each, "Mmm, we can do that. I also got us tickets to the Anne Frank house, at 2pm I believe. So we have time, we can browse the shops."
"You think we will be traveling out again tomorrow? Start heading south?" She said, settling back in her seat, her hair twisting around her finger.
"Probably....I mean, I don't have a set time on this trip, Catalina. We can take all the time in the world, or rush it all. I just think you will really enjoy Ghent. It's literally all art and giant courtyards. Lots of tiny marketplaces." I leaned on the table, crossing my arms in front of me.
She leaned forward, copying my stance, "Mmm, lots of museums too?" She raised her eyebrows up and down, biting her lower lip.
"So many, there aren't enough hours in the day to see them all." I countered.
"I thought you said this trip had no set time." She pushed back into her seat, grabbing her coffee cup and holding it to her lips, a soft smile on her face.
My mouth opened, only to close, pinching at my lower lip, "One day, I'll shut you up. Just you see." I said, shaking my finger at her, which she snatched with her free hand quickly. She moved to bite it, but my reflexes were quicker, pinching her lips softly. Her eyes widened at me, and I could feel her smile trying to form. I burst into laughter as she pulled my fingers away.
"That's some form of cheating!" She called out and I laughed more.
"So it is a game, a challenge. So far I think we're tied." I said, sitting back in my seat.
"Mmm, I don't know, I think I'm winning," she said, hand on her chin.
I rolled my eyes, shaking my head, "Fine. By one point. That's all I'm giving you."
"You're too easy." She chuckled as our pancakes came out. We moved things on the table, making room for everything we ordered.
We began digging into our pancakes, everything tasting better with each bite we took. She kept reaching over and taking my strawberries even though she had her own, slapping my hand away when I tried to grab some of hers. Eventually she gave in, sharing with me as she slowly got full.
"You know what I noticed?" She said, pulling out her wallet and slipping her card on the bill.
"Enlighten me." I said, wiping my mouth.
"You haven't been using your camera, not since that first day at the cottage. I thought you were trying to capture everything."
I shrugged, "I couldn't exactly take it to the red district."
"Why not? Imagine when your grandkids go for the first time, you could have told them you went. Now you have no proof. Automatically the lame grandpa." She pressed her lips together, looking at me like she felt sorry for me.
"They'll believe me.....I mean....I am Harry Styles." I put my hands up, shrugging.
She scoffed, throwing a balled up napkin at me, "Don't make me start up a douche jar for you."
I laughed, shaking my head, "I was obviously kidding!"
"Mmm, I don't know. I think you really believed that one."
"Okay, okay, no more douchebag comments.....for today at least." I chuckled, the biggest eye roll thrown my way.
We had wandered through the shops, nothing appealing to me in a way that would make me remember Amsterdam the way I wanted. We stood in line for the Anne Frank house, Harry politely entertaining any fans that came up to him. There was something sweet about watching him interact with them, how he actually tried to make conversation. He declined photos with most and I knew it was to keep some sort of privacy until we left tomorrow.
"Sorry, I'll decline the next few." He said and I shook my head.
"Don't be silly. I'm enjoying watching it happen. You're really good with them, Harry. It's like you can sense who needs a little more...who can handle a little less of your time." I smiled, crossing my arms across my chest.
"Thanks. They...they're funny. All so different, I'll get the one that's struggling to say anything and then the one that can barely keep quiet."
"Oh, so like me and all my personalities?" I tilted my head at him causing him to crack up.
"Lina, shut up," he shook his head, pulling me in for a hug. I allowed our bodies to push into each other, my hand slipping around his waist, "I'm sorry you didn't find your trinket though."
"It's fine, you know, I was actually thinking about it, and the cock ring from the other night is probably the trinket I was looking for. I think it sums up the trip so far." I said in a whisper, so only he could hear, finally pushing away from his embrace.
I couldn't help but smirk at the immediate blush on his cheeks, something that for some reason continued to surprise me. This shyness to him, this sweetness. He shook his head, "I mean, you aren't wrong."
I raised my eyebrows at him, chuckling as we finally made our way inside the museum. Harry had chosen the tour with an audio guide, each of us just slipping one headphone in, leaving out the other. Everything about the tour was both sad and beautiful, showcasing not only Anne's life but everything going on during the Nazi invasion as well. We learned about the people helping to hide the Franks and more about the people that were hidden with them.
There were audio snippets of Anne's diary, showcasing her wit and intelligence. She had such a need to live. Such a need for life and all it had to offer. It brought a tightness to my chest, everytime I remembered how young she was. There was something about her that also reminded me about my mum, and the stories my Nona would tell me about her. She questioned everything, had hope in everything. She wanted to live out a set of big dreams that only felt right for her. I licked my lip, breathing through my nose to try and swallow the tears that kept forming.
I peeked up at Harry, his face stern as he read one of the diary entries displayed on the wall. I moved closer to him, slipping my hand in the bend of his arm, using my other to wipe away some of the tears that slipped from my eyes. He peeked down at me, tapping my nose softly, "You okay?"
"Yeah. You know, I think she's one of my favorite historical figures. I feel she would have grown to have the same attitude and need for life as my mum." I said softly, his hand coming to gently be placed over mine.
"Hmmm, she did have a need for life didn't she?" He asked me and I nodded. His eyes traced mine, his hand moving from mine to gently wipe away any tears I had missed.
"Mhm, I can see why my mum would have wanted to come here. She used to read me kids historical books. You know, dumbed down editions—..."
"...— you mean simplified. Children aren't dumb, they just have a different way of understanding things." He corrected me, making me nod, pressing my lips together.
"Right, simplified. Simplified history books. My favorite was the one about the Titanic . I used to make my mum sit through all three hours of that movie constantly, but anyways, Anne Frank was my second favorite, and we would watch all the different variations of her story in movie form we could find. We even went to listen to Miep Gies speak once." I explained, taking a deep breath, "Sometimes I wonder what my mum would have achieved if she hadn't gotten pregnant with me. How much more she would have learned, explored."
I stared at the diary entry in front of me, thinking of my mum's journal sitting on my bed back at the rental. Thinking of all the plans she had, all the things she wanted to do. I suddenly felt angry. Angry for my mum. For the Franks, for Anne in particular. I felt so angry at how many horrible hands people were dealt in life. Good people. Kind people.
"I need to get out of here." I said, letting go of Harry's arm, pushing my way past people, heading in the wrong direction, but I knew it was closer to an exit than trying to make my way through the rest of the museum. I could feel the anxiety attack building inside me, my stomach in such a tight knot I felt I might be sick. Everything felt like a blur until I was outside, near the canals, bent over, hands on my knees; finally able to inhale deeply. I let out the cry I was holding in and soon a hand was gently on my back, Harry. He soothed me, helping me stand up straight, his hand slipping around my waist leading me to a bench nearby. We both sat down, my teeth chewing gently on the inside of my cheek.
"Hey, talk to me Lina..." He said, his hand softly squeezing at my thigh.
"It's just not fair, Harry. My mum had so much more to do, so much more life to live. She should be here, doing this trip....not me," I looked down, shaking my head, "What happens when my Nona is gone? When it's just me? I have nobody else."
"Hey, hey....look at me. You really think that after this trip I'm going to want to know life without you? Who else is going to shut me up in just a couple words. Don't act like this trip isn't going to bond us in a special way. Dealing with these emotions, like the ones you are feeling right now." He said, my eyes searching his face. His expression was so soft, a smile on his face, trying to convince me that I needed one on my face too.
"What if you get annoyed with me? What if you hate me by the end?" I said, my voice cracking slightly.
"Not going to happen." He said sternly, so sure in his words.
I let out a small laugh, closing my eyes as I shook my head a bit, "I usually would have something witty to say, but, I'm all out of jokes today."
"That's fine, they aren't that funny anyways." He shrugged, my head snapping to face him, shoving him to the side making him burst into laughter; and soon I couldn't help but join in too.
We had made it back to the rental, Catalina falling asleep on the couch after the day we had. I knew her emotions were still on high, the trip to the Anne Frank house triggering a lot for her. I wanted to make her last night here better. I knew she would be too tired to venture out, so I found a restaurant that had the last bits of food her mum had wanted to try; placing a big order for us to share when she woke up.
I decided to wait until the food arrived to wake her up, setting up the small dining table with everything laid. It smelled delicious and I was surprised that alone didn't wake her up. Then again, she did love her rest.
I sat down on the couch, gently brushing her hair off her face, "Lina, Lina, sweet Catalina..." I sang at her gently, a small smile on her face.
"Mmm, why are you buttering me up?" She said groggily, shifting so her head went into the couch pillow, her hair moving back over her face.
"Because food is on the table and it's going to get cold." I chuckled, watching her roll onto her back, her eyes still closed.
"I don't believe you," she groaned, shifting deeper into the couch, "prove it." She said, her mouth wide open, making me crack up.
I rolled my eyes, pushing up off the couch walking over to the dining table. I grabbed a fork, opening up the stamppot and dipping the fork in. I grabbed enough to give her a good taste and made my way back over to her. I carefully placed the fork in her mouth, watching as she carefully closed her lips around it, pulling it out as she chewed the mashed potato mixture. Her eyes shot open wide, her face turning to me.
"I'm going to need about two platefulls of that goodness." She giggled and I laughed, nodding.
"Well you better get up before I finish it all!" I said, pulling the couch pillow from under her head, throwing at her softly.
"Hey! You ass." She laughed, getting up and walking over to the dining table. We both sat and ate a little bit of everything, Lina eating most of the stamppot. My favorite being the vegetarian bitterballen. When we finished, Lina began packing up the leftovers, remembering a couple of homeless people at the end of the street she wanted to feed.
"Are you feeling better?" I said, helping her to wipe down the table.
"Yeah, thanks Harry, and I'm sorry for the meltdown." She said, placing the box of leftovers in a bag, tying it up.
"Hey, it wasn't a meltdown, it was...what did you say? Tearing down walls." I said, matter of factly, sitting back in my chair again.
She rolled her eyes, "Think you're so smart huh?"
"A genius actually." I shrugged and she chuckled.
"But really, thank you, Harry. You held me together, I appreciate it." She smiled, glancing over at the door, "Walk me to drop these off?"
"Okay, but then we go to bed, okay? We have an early start tomorrow, and then we'll be in the city of art." I smiled at her face lighting up.
"I cannot wait."
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Mum, Mum, Mum,
Where do I even start to describe how these past days have been. First off....would you have gotten a prostitute? Because mum, that was the most complicated part of this whole thing. It felt right and so wrong all at once, it wasn't me....the only part that felt right about it was Harry; but I couldn't go there. There is still so much of the journey left...
He makes everything so easy though mama. He makes everything feel easy, I can't describe it. It's like breathing being around him. I can be silly, I can say the first thing that comes to my mind, and he talks back in the same manner. He challenges me, banters with me. God the banter is so good mum.
Second off, Anne Frank is even more of my favorite person than she was before today. She is the most remarkable person, mum. Hands down. The tour, at least what I saw of it, was amazing. I couldn't finish it though, I couldn't.
Mum, I miss you. God I miss you so damn much. None of this is fair. It all feels soul crushing whenever I really realize it. Realize that you're gone. It's like the air is sucked right out of me. Harry Potter, dementor status soul sucking. I wish I could bring you back, but at least I feel close to you in a way on this trip. It's like you're here sometimes. I can feel you. I know I can.
Oh, shit....I haven't called nona. Mum, she's going to murder isn't she?
Write again soon,
Love you.
Lina,
OH, he called me Lina, mum. Not Cat. LINA. Because he said it sounded like a smile.
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Thank you for 3k! Hopefully another update by Saturday!
𝙳𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚟𝚘𝚝𝚎, 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝 & 𝚜𝚊𝚟𝚎.
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