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Chapter 12: The Gunslinger Pt.2
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It's quiet. And I'm cold. I try to recall a time in my life where I had fallen ill. But I can't. Apart of me believes my upbringing is a result of my strong immune system. I couldn't get sick, I had work to do.
But now, I wonder if my body knows how much of a break it's finally getting that now it can rest, it can break down and heal itself up again.
Sometimes when I try to recall things, I go blank. Like there's missing pieces in my memory. I don't know if it's the trauma or if me being ill is so insignificant that my brain doesn't process or hold the memory anymore.
Does trauma do that to a person? Make blank spots in your mind? If so, how much would I forget? How much of myself would I lose? Would I forget them?
Mando? Grogu?
My mom?
I Can physically feel the clenching of my heart at the mere thought of forgetting the people I've grown to care for. Forgetting my mother, someone I long to never forget.
There's this pinching in my lungs, it burns, and I feel like my lungs will collapse in on itself. My head is pounding. It started at my temples and now has travelled to the back of my brain.
If I was sick, did my mother ever take care of me?
Did she cook? Feed me nutritious and delicious meals.
No. I know the real answer. She begged our master for his table scraps. His answer was a beating.
Did she wrap me in a blanket? Warm and protected.
No. I know the real answer. We slept on the floor, our ankles chained to make sure we never escaped in the middle of the night. No bed, no blankets.
I remember the frost bite during the winter and I remember the burns during the summer.
Did she whisper reassuring words? Caring and loving.
No. I know the real answer. She prayed when she thought I was asleep. Begged the stars to save us from that life, pleaded to any God on why we were subjected to such a life, why were we punished when we did nothing wrong, but simply exist.
I can't remember....or at least that's what I choose to say to myself. But I know the truth. And I hate that it is the truth and that it happened.
My bottom lip trembles.
But would I forget her face?
No, I couldn't. Right? How could I forget the face I last seen.
Sunken eyes, loss of hope.
Hallow cheeks, malnourished.
Sickly pale, shackled.
No hair, loss of strength.
My hands shake as I gasp for breathe. I sniffle trying my best to calm my quivering body.
Would I end up that way? Would I be cursed?
Did she even have dreams? Hopes? Aspirations?
Some daughter I am. Right?
I can't let our legacy end with her and end with me not amounting to anything.
Her dreams, her hopes, they all fall on me now. I let her down in life, I can't let her down in death.
My head pounds. And the next thing I know, I loose consciousness.
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"Almana." A deep voice awakens me. My eyes crack open, sunlight streams into the darkness of our ship. The ramp door open, reminding me of where we are. Where I am, who I am with.
Immediately, my eyes focus on Mando who is crouched down in front of me, helmet visor staring into my soul, as I lay on a cot on the floor.
I shiver, feeling the cold and chills I've developed. His helmet tilts. "Your getting worse." He mumbles to himself. I want to protest, but the shivering of my teeth and the sudden cough attack give me away when I go to speak.
Quickly, he stands, taking of his cape and laying it on top of me. Crouching back down to my level, he sighs dejectedly. Watching me- he's pondering his next moves on what to do.
I snuggle into the warm fabric, feeling no shame of showing him how giddy I feel in this moment at the mere thought of him taking care of me. The fact he has given me a cot and blanket overwhelms me with such emotion I can't help, but to smile stupidly to myself.
Would he give me reassuring words next?
"I don't want to leave you two."
What?! Not what I expected at all.
Immediately, my orbs snap to his visor. Giving him my full attention. I don't have the strength to protest him leaving, but I frown instead to show my disagreement.
"I need the credits. I need to pay for the ship, our food, the medicine." He explains with a tired sigh. I frown- I forget he's taken on two more people to care for, the feeling of being a nuisance weighing down on me. The guilt for not being able to carry my own weight or at least help out hits hard.
Would he get tired of me? Get rid of me?
It makes me nauseous, quickly I sit up and hunch over feeling the bug in my stomach itching to release.
Mando's hands immediately shoot out to steady my body- one hand rubbing comforting circles on my back to console and for a second, just a split second, I feel it- I feel his worry, his concern for my condition hit me like a truck.
I feel his pain, the pain I recognize all to well, the pain of not being able to do anything in a situation to help, but just sit there and watch.
It makes me wince harshly- the emotion so strong I feel a sudden pressure squeezing down on my body.
In my moment of nausea, it is as if I could sense his feelings, sense the worry of my health, sense the stress of getting credits, and sense the anger in not being able to stay with us or heal me himself.
Images flashed in my head, one that I did not recognize to be my memory- was it his?
The memory is of me, laying on the floor unconscious, covered in rumble from when I had taken down the AT-ST and Mando had tackled me. Our short time on Sorgan.
The fear he felt for my life hitting me like a punch to the heart.
I watched my own lifeless body- dirty and bloody. I felt the fear of him questioning whether or not I would wake up, was I dead?
Guilt, pain, shame, anger, everything hitting me like a beating.
"You okay, kid?" My eyes focus back onto Mando, who still crouched down next to me.
The pressure is lifted- his pain leaving me. I don't feel nauseous, but I do feel confused of what happened just seconds ago.
"I'll be gone for a few hours. You need to rest. Grogu is being taken care of." He states reassuringly.
This snaps me out of my daydream. My eyes widening just a fraction. Was I imagining it? Or did I really witness a memory he just had? Could I feel his emotions? Could I communicate with him like I do Grogu?
Millions of thoughts ran through my mind, making me dizzy and once again I had to lay back down on my cot to stop the nausea. Closing my eyes, I whispered softly to him.
"I understand, but please don't worry about me." I plead numbly. His helmet tilts, taken aback.
Should I tell him, tell him of what I seen and what I felt?
Apart of me wants to trust him, but another part of me fears he'll leave- he'll see me differently, he'll get a great offer on me and turn me in.
But he knows already. He knows of what Grogu and I do. He's told me- well yelled at me. Back on Sorgan.
Why am I feeling this sudden conflict? I could trust Mando. I could trust him with my life, he's proven this to me.
So, why am I so scared he'll leave?
"Of course, I worry Almana." His deep and modulated voice snaps me out of my pressing thoughts. My eyes shyly looking into his visor, I feel so small in front of him.
He's like this scary hunter whose decided to let his prey-a bunny- live and kept as his pet.
Was I just his pet? Something to keep his guilty conscious at bay while also keeping him company? No. No- what am I even talking about! He's kind- he's proven this to me.
I wish I could hear the real him. I wanna see the real him. I imagine warm and caring brown eyes. Eyes I could look into and feel protected and loved and not have to question his loyalty.
Eyes that are human, not robotic- not some scary mask that's lifeless, but the humane person with emotions and thoughts who took us in.
"You should go." I mumble, gazing at the floor, I turn my back towards him and snuggle further into his cape. Soft tears threaten to spill.
I can trust him. I repeat to myself like a mantra.
I know he can't stay with me, he has to provide for us. I wish I could go, but I'm dead weight.
Will I always be dead weight. If so, I wish to be just dead.
Maybe he'll realize and kick me out. Or kill me. Or turn me in.
I'm selfish, I want him to stay with me. Not just now in my sickness, for comfort.
But forever, but I know there's going to come a day where we have to part ways.
I can sense it. I can sense this heartbreak, this fear, and this disconnection we'll have in the future. I don't know how, but I know our future isn't bright.
A betrayal?
A truce?
A fight?
Is this why my body is failing me? It's preparing me for my future? Ever since I've fallen ill, it's like my body is becoming more sensitive to this force, these senses of emotions, memories, predictions.
What the hell is going on?
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The sun is setting, my stomach growls from my long nap. Peli made us soup, we're gathered in the middle of her dock, sitting on the ships open ramp as we eat.
I keep Mando's cape over my shoulders, like a blanket. Makes me feel his presence, feel protected. Grogu begs to sit on my lap as we eat, wanting me to feed him, but I scold him again and again reminding him that I'm sick and could be contagious if he gets close enough.
Sit.
I frown.
No.
Yes.
Stop it, Grogu.
Sit. Now.
No, I'm sick.
No.
I frown, how would he know?
Yes, I could be contagious.
No. Sensitive.
My brows furrow. I'm not sensitive! I'm being responsible and reasonable!
No sitting on my lap.
Yes, sit.
I won't feed you.
Yes.
I shoot him a glare.
Stop ordering me. I don't like it.
He stares at me, long and unblinking that it starts to creep me out.
Yes.
Again, I frown as my eyebrows furrow.
You're being weird.
Sensitive.
Stop saying that.
Sensitive.
I frown. What is he talking about?
I try to read him, try to feel what I felt with Mando, sense his emotions, but it's as if he's blocked out.
It makes me upset, could he not trust me enough? Does he know what's happening to me?
Frowning, I can feel my tears threatening to fall for what feels like the hundredth time today.
"Why won't you let me in?" I argue aloud. His eyes look down at his food.
"Do you not have answers? Do you know what's happening to me?" I continue questioning. It's silent on his end and the one sided conversation makes me frustrated.
"Grogu!" I cry upset. Immediately, his eyes meet mine as I let my tears fall.
"Please! Just tell me anything you know, I'm so lost and confused on what I'm feeling and thinking!" I wail loudly, not caring if Peli or the droids whom work elsewhere hear me.
Frowning, Grogu gets up and waddles over to me as I cry. Sitting on my lap, he reaches his tiny hand out and brushes back my untamed hair.
Together.
I sniffle loudly. "Together?" I mumble softly. Together we'll figure this out? Is that what he means?
I bite my lip. "If we do this together, I have to tell you what I felt and seen with Mando earlier." I confess. He stares, listening.
I know he's a baby, but it's like he understands me. Maybe not every word, but my emotions- how I'm feeling about situations and therefore gain impressions and mentally communicate.
I squeeze him close to me.
Together.
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Grogu slept, exhausted from all of the mental communication and images I was able to project his way. It's fascinating, this bond, this mental court we are able to share together.
It makes me smile as I watch his closed floating pod he lays in. We have a bond, one I hope to never lose. Would we ever separate? In the future, would we grow closer or further apart?
I clutch Mando's cape tighter to me. I want to protect him, like Mando does with me. I want to be his family, forever. I never had siblings, but this is what I imagine having a little brother would feel like.
This sense to protect and love. This bond you devote yourself too. I smile softly at his pod.
"You must be the slave." A young males voice hums out with an amused chuckle.
My body freezes, as my head whips up to connect eyes with a young man who stands only 3 feet away from me.
Dark eyes watch me like a predator watches their prey- he's cocky and conniving, but something else lays below the surface- jealously, greed.
I recognize those emotions well- emotions my old master held.
I try to focus on who this man might be- try to rack my brain if I know him, if he's a bounty hunter, but I can't focus. Not when the blaster he holds is pointed straight at my head.
Immediately, my breathing picks up and I am relieved that Grogu is safely tucked away in his floating pod which is hidden from this strange man's view in the mess Peli keeps in here.
Peli? My eyes widen. Where is she? The droids as well?
Analyzing him, I clutch the cape tighter to me, hoping to feel some type of protection.
"Your a pretty thing for a slave." He drags out the last word teasingly, smirking- he gives me a wink as I shift uncomfortably in front of him. My stomach churns at his comment.
"W-where's Peli?" I muster all my courage to speak. My hands shake as I watch him slowly take steps toward me- getting comfortable in making me shake in fear at his slow and teasing movements.
He feigns confusion before lighting up in fake remembrance. "Oh! You mean the old bitch? Yeah- killed her." He chuckles amused at my reaction.
My bones feel like lead. Killed her? My lip quivers- I feel sick to my stomach. When did he come in? When did Peli die? Did she struggle? Did he touch her like my master did me before ending her life?
Was this man going to take Grogu and I? Or kill us? Who the hell was he?!
"Don't worry, sweetheart-" I bite my tongue to keep from yelling at him- I hate that pet name. I'm not a pet nor his sweetheart. It makes me sick.
"-I'm not gonna kill you. Just want to talk." He chuckles.
I feel tears wanting to fall, but I keep them in. Peli didn't deserve this- she was caught in the cross fire.
"W-who a-are you." I stutter out. He keeps getting closer and closer and I go to make a move to step back, but he waves the blaster he holds tauntingly at me.
"I wouldn't move if I were you." He warns, and that makes me freeze. He stands inches away from me- he towers above me making me feel small as the blaster now rests on my temple.
The cool metal makes me break out into a cold sweat. His other hand slowly moves the strands of my hair behind my ear tauntingly.
I can feel my heart pounding in my ears. My body feels like lead, my blood feels like ice.
Grogu. I remember.
I have to keep his attention on me, if not he might just look for Grogu.
He leans down next to my ear, whispering as his lips touch my ear making me flinch.
"How about we go ahead and wait for your master in the ship." He hums. I feel the lump in my throat. My hands shake, but I force them into fists.
Mando. Where is he?!
He's suppose to be here! He's suppose to protect us!
I stay frozen- not giving him an answer as he suddenly wraps a hand around my throat which immediately gets a reaction from me.
I gasp in pain and fear as my hands shoot up to clutch his wrist.
He grins, "There she is- thought you were dead there." He jokes. He grips me tightly and leads us inside the ship.
I find my voice and suddenly I'm crying- wailing. I know what's going to happen and I'm terrified. This is my hell. This experience is my personal crucifixion.
"Shut the fuck up!" He seethes, hitting me in the head with the blaster he holds harshly.
My vision spots up for a second as I grow dizzy. I feel the sting, the throbbing, and the wet liquid that now runs down my forehead.
"I think a slave needs to know it's place." He mumbles in annoyance. I can't even answer as I try to stay awake- try to keep my focus on what's happening.
He stares at me, watching me- eyes trailing over my face and then my body. It makes me want to vomit- that look.
"Maybe I might keep you." He contemplates seriously. My eyes widen at his words in absolute fear.
He chuckles at my reaction, "I like your expressions." Suddenly, he goes serious.
"I wonder what your voice sounds like." He hums staring at me. I stay deadly silent.
"Can you speak? Or are you fucking dumb in the head like most slaves." He demands. I stay silent. He grins, "Maybe I'll have to get you to speak."
He seems to enjoy my disobedience and before he can make another comment or move I do speak.
"W-where i-is -" I can't even finish my sentence as I am a stuttering mess and close my eyes in embarrassment and fear.
He laughs loudly. "You are fucking dumb!" He smiles wildly. "And pretty- a pretty fuck slave."
Immediately, tears runs down my cheeks. I try to keep my sobs in, but they rack my body making my head pound even more in pulsating pain.
Suddenly, I'm pushed roughly to the cold metal floor making me cry out in shock and pain.
"I hate when slaves cry- like their human or some shit." He mumbles annoyed. Pointing the gun at me still, he stares with dead eyes at me.
My heart pounds as I stare at the end of the blaster- gut wrenching fear filling me up.
"Now, how does your screams sound." He mumbles to himself. He walks around my laying body before suddenly sending a harsh kick into my side.
I shout in pain making him chuckle. "That felt good and your voice makes it better." He kicks me again and again and again.
And soon my shouts and wails turned into begging.
His hits got harder and his anger got worse.
My body went numb and I knew I would be found covered in bruises and blood.
It wasn't just my sides, where my lungs felt like fire, but everywhere. My head, my legs, my back, my chest. Everywhere.
And when he settled down, I laid there numb.
All I could think was - this beating is better than the touching.
He's focused on me not Grogu.
Mando will come soon.
He had too.
I just have to hold out.
I have too.
"PLEASE! I'M A CHILD!"
"IT HURTS!"
My breathing becomes erratic and my tears fall against my will. Traumatic memories flood me.
Would it happen again?
Alone, inside the ship is dark, the place I once felt most safe now feels like a foreign prison.
"I'll keep you." He finalizes. I close my eyes, trying to ignore him.
"I'll do you better than that old tin man bastard does." I clench my jaw, Mando isn't like him. The assumption makes me angry- angry on how he talks about Mando.
"He doesn't touch me!" I spit out, a sudden burning anger filling me. The stranger laughs loudly, absolutely amused.
"Well fuck me- you do speak!" He cackles. Settling down, he looks down at me with a cruel smile.
"All the more reason to keep you. You're pure, someone to deflower." He taunts.
"You're wrong, again." I spit on his shoes causing him to shout in anger. I'm kicked in the stomach, making me curl into a fetal position on the floor.
I'm weak from being ill and the hits have made me completely useless.
"That's okay, I'm fine with toying around with a whore." He snaps, kicking me in the head.
I yell in pain, feeling the immense throbbing in my head. I watch as more blood hits the floor beneath me.
"Get on your knees, maybe we can have some fun before your master arrives." He grins, using one hand to unbuckle his belt. "Better yet, maybe your master can see what he's missing."
Tears fall as I feel the disgust and fear hit me harder now. Before he can get a chance to release himself, I can't hold it in anymore and I vomit all over his shoes.
This makes him absolutely livid as he yells in anger, his face going red. Taking of his belt, he slams the leather onto me- I block the hit with my arm leaving a stinging red mark.
"You stupid fucking whore!" He rages and picks up his arm again to slam the belt onto me.
Closing my eyes, lifting my arms up as protection, I try to take the hits as best as I can, but before he's able to land another blow.....
He's tackled by a body onto the floor. I watch as the blaster slides away from us and the belt is dropped on top of me making me flinch.
I lay there, staring at the ceiling. My body on fire from the beating and my vision going in and out of consciousness.
It's Mando. It has to be.
I can hear the screaming of fear and pain from the strange man as the sound of punching echos inside of the cold and now foreign ship I lay nearly dead in.
I try to keep my breathes even, but it gets harder as my lungs ache and nearly feel like they'll collapse in on itself.
The rustling, the sounds of punch after punch, the sound of a laser of some kind, the smell of burning skin, it all goes on forever.
Seconds go by.
Minutes go by.
It feels like a lifetime of this sound, smell, and feel of aching pain.
I'll have bruises, I'll bleed, I'll have scars, both mental, physical, emotional.
But one thing I can rejoice in, one thing I lay there and cry silently to myself about.....
He didn't touch me.
I laugh crazily to myself, still crying and choking on my sobs. He didn't fucking touch me.
I can still hear the beating, the echos of fists pounding on an unmoving body over, over, and over again.
I know what Mando's doing- he's livid, so blinded by rage that he continues to beat the dead stranger into nothingness.
I feel it- i feel the moment the strangers life slips away- I can sense the sudden death that surrounds us.
It's cold, hollow, chilling to the bones and freezing to the heart. Uncomprehending to the mind and soul.
My vision blurs and once again I'm losing consciousness. But it's okay, because through it all Mando's cape is still wrapped around me- maybe this was why the stranger never touched me.
Because through it all, a piece of Mando was with me. Through it all, I held out for him to come to my aid. Through it all, he was rushing to come back to me.
Through it all, my savior would do just that- save me.
I can rest now. I'm safe.
So, I let my vision blur, I let my head roll to the side.
I watch as Mando lays on top of a lifeless figure- punching and punching, I watch the pretty color of blood paint this ships cold metal walls and floors.
I smile softly, feeling the familiar metallic taste in my mouth as I do so.
Closing my eyes, letting the dark take me.
Yeah, I can trust him.
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