Chapter 41
Kung may award sa best in compartmentalization, pakiramdam ko ay dapat ako ang manalo roon.
Nag-reschedule iyong judge dahil hindi bumuti iyong pakiramdam ng nanay ni Samuel. I was a bit surprised because usually, sasabihin lang na 'wag na umattend since hindi naman required iyong presence niya and besides, hindi naman kasama sa list of witness iyong nanay ni Samuel. But what do I know? All judges are built differently. I didn't dare question the change of schedule dahil hindi pa naman ako nasisiraan ng ulo.
I had other cases and I accepted a new one. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay ayos na ako sa annulment nila Shanelle. Against my will, I felt like I knew that case like the back of my hand. It's torture trying to prepare for that, so instead, I chose to accept another case.
Dito naman ako magaling, e—sa distraction. I mean, I wouldn't have survived kung hindi. He was my first love, my first kiss, my first everything. To say that I was devastated when we ended would be the biggest lie in history. It hurt like hell. And it hurt even more because it didn't happen in a snap of my fingers. It happened slowly, gradually, painfully hanggang kusa na lang akong bumitiw.
Kasi para saan pa?
Ramdam mo na wala na.
"Ingat," sabi ko sa mga kasama ko dahil as usual, ako na naman iyong naiwan dito sa office. I mean, I didn't mind, really. At least at the moment, okay lang sa akin na ako iyong nagbubuhat ng karamihan sa kaso dito. I needed the distraction, anyway. But I already made plans with myself na once mapasa na for resolution iyong sa annulment, I'd be taking a vacation. I just needed to unwind and to recalibrate.
Around 8PM, I decided that it's time to go home. Tinatamad akong magluto kaya naman bibili na lang ako ng food para diretso kain na mamaya pagdating ko sa condo. As I was looking for my car key inside my bag, napatingin ako sa phone ko nang magvibrate iyon.
'Hi, Deanne. Are you free?'
Agad na kumunot ang noo ko.
I didn't save his number, but at the same time, for some reason, I didn't delete our previous messages kaya naman alam ko kung sino 'yon. Ewan. Feel ko naman kahit i-delete ko pa 'yan, malalaman at malalaman ko pa rin kung sino iyong nag-text.
'Depends,' I replied.
'On what?'
'What do you need?'
'Just want to talk about something.'
'Kailangan na ba ngayon?'
'Yes.'
'About what?'
Hindi agad siya nagreply pero nakita ko naman na nabasa niya iyong message ko.
'If it's about the case, you can talk to your actual lawyer.'
He read it again.
No reply.
Napabuntung-hininga ako.
'Fine. But let's talk here in my office,' sabi ko sa kanya dahil ayoko lang na may makakita sa amin kapag sa labas kami maguusap. Mas lalo namang ayoko siyang papuntahin sa condo ko.
Instead of going out to buy food, nag-order na lang ako. Sakto na pagbaba ko para kuhanin iyong pagkain ay iyong pagdating ni Samuel. He looked stressed. I mean, understandable. Sino ba ang hindi mase-stress sa mga pinaggagawa niya sa buhay niya? Stressed din naman ako pero at least sa work lang. Iba kaya iyong stress na dala kapag personal na issue.
"Don't worry, binili rin kita ng pagkain," sabi ko sa kanya.
"Thanks," he replied.
Hindi na ako nagsalita after nun kasi parang wala siyang gana makipag-usap.
"No, thanks," sabi ko sa kanya nang tanungin niya ako kung gusto ko ba na buhatin niya iyong dala ko na paper bag. Tahimik lang ulit kami pagkatapos nun. Tahimik lang kami hanggang sa makarating kami sa opisina. Inilagay ko iyong paper bag sa may lamesa. Dito na lang kami sa common area kaysa doon sa opisina ko mismo. I didn't want to be in an even more enclosed space with him.
"I ordered for you," sabi ko habang nilalabas iyong pagkain.
"Thank you."
Ang tahimik na naman.
Ano ba 'yan.
Gusto ko sana na hintayin siya na sabihin kung anuman ang sasabihin niya, but his silence (and his somber looks) was making me want to break this silence and ask him kung ano ba ang pinunta niya rito. Because we managed not to talk for months... and then this?
"Ano ang paguusapan natin?" I asked. Nakita ko na napatingin siya sa pagkain dahil binubuksan ko iyong lalagyan habang nagsasalita ako. I just wanted to do something else while talking to him dahil para akong magkaka-sensory overload kapag sa kanya lang ako nakatingin.
"Sorry. Hindi mo kasi gusto iyong ibang pagkain sa menu," I said dahil nakatingin siya roon sa may tapsilog.
He gently shook his head and gave me a small smile. "No, it's fine," he replied.
"Okay..."
We were engulfed by silence once again.
Tumingin akong muli sa kanya.
"Kamusta iyong Mama mo?" I asked dahil pakiramdam ko ay may kinalaman sa Mama niya iyong paguusapan namin. Samuel had been steadfast and stubborn about the annulment. He really wanted it—maybe not for himself only but for Shanelle, as well... But his entire demeanor changed nang dumating na iyong Mama niya. I had always known that he's a bit of a Mama's boy. He's her little sacristan. He told me stories from before na lagi silang nagsisimba. Iyon ata ang dahilan kung bakit napadpad siya sa seminaryo. Sa buong pamilya nila, silang dalawa iyong 'religious' kumbaga. I understood how hard this must be for his mom.
"Doing fine," he replied. "Thanks for asking."
I gave him a small smile. "That's good to hear," sagot ko sa kanya. "Do you want to eat first?" I asked kasi nakatingin na naman siya sa akin na parang gusto niya nang simulan, pero hindi siya makahanap ng bwelo.
Umiling siya.
"Okay," I said. "Shoot."
Huminga siya nang malalim. "My mom's doing fine," he reiterated. "But... she's also stubborn. She'll keep on attending," he said and stopped.
"And you're afraid that one day, she'd have a heart attack for real?" pagtapos ko sa sasabihin niya. We've been together for years. We may have been apart, but the years we spent together were still there. I still knew him. He may have changed, but a part of him will always be familiar to him.
Tumango siya. "Yes."
"Okay... So, what do you want to do?" I asked.
"I don't know."
"Okay," sabi ko sa kanya. "Why are we talking, then?"
Nakatingin ako sa kanya. I knew him and although I couldn't know for sure kung ano ang gusto niyang mangyari, I had a clue. I just didn't want to say the words out loud for him.
"I just..." he trailed.
"You just what?" I asked. I looked at him. "Do you still want to proceed with the annulment, Samuel?" I continued, unable to continue this fill in the blanks game with him.
"Yes," sagot niya.
"But?" I asked because if there was no but, wala naman kami dito ngayon. And he wasn't the first person who had a change of heart in the middle of the annulment proceeding. It's a very emotional proceeding. It's exhausting. Sometimes, you'd just want to stop halfway dahil masyadong nahuhukay muli lahat ng masakit na pinagdaanan niyo. Minsan naman, naaalala mo iyong mga magandang pinagsamahan niyo.
Minsan, nagkakabalikan.
Madalas, hindi.
But still, there's no telling because human emotion is fickle.
"It's so complicated," he said.
"Did you think that it'd be easy?" I asked.
"No," sabi niya. "I can do it alone. Not when my family's involved."
"I understand," sabi ko sa kanya. "What do you want to do now?"
Muli siyang napabuntong-hininga. Napasuklay siya sa buhok niya gamit ang mga daliri. Ibinalik ang tingin sa akin.
"Gusto ko lang matapos na lahat."
"A year, if we're lucky," I told him. "Usually, it takes two years—more kung magkakaproblema o magpapalit-palit ng judge. You know the drill," I answered although I knew that he was talking about something else.
"That's not what I mean," he said.
"I know," I replied. "I just don't want to say what you wanna say. You have a mouth—use it."
Nakatingin lang siya sa akin.
"You know what you want," sabi ko sa kanya. "Why is it so hard for you to say it yourself?"
"It's not that easy."
"Nothing ever is," I told him. "High risk, high reward, remember?" I continued because that's what he used to tell me back in law school kapag minsan ay maririnig ko na magkakaroon ng quiz pero hindi ako handa. He'd tell me to just risk it because otherwise, I'd get a zero since it's zero based. Kaya kahit takot na takot akong magquiz dahil baka isipin ng prof na bobo ako, pumapasok pa rin ako. And oftentimes, Samuel's right. It was worth the risk.
Somehow, he always knew what's right for me.
But that was before—ibang-iba na ngayon.
"It's different now."
I shrugged. "Change is the only constant thing in the world," sabi ko sa kanya. "Sabihin mo na kasi. You know what you want. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi mo masabi sa akin," I continued. "You told me worse things before, remember?"
There was a look of guilt on his face. I was talking about something else, pero alam ko na iba iyong naalala niya. He probably remembered those last days of our relationship. There were shoutings involved, but I'd have that over the silence that loomed over us for a long while. Mas gusto ko na naguusap kami kahit pasigaw kaysa iyong walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa.
"I'm sorry," he said, looking straight into my eyes, enough for me to know that he meant it. Alam ko naman. The words that have been said were said in the heat of the moment. Pero kahit na ganoon, I knew that he meant every single one of them.
"I know," I replied.
"If I can only take them back."
"Why would you?" I asked him. "You meant every word. You really do blame me for your failing the BAR, right?" dugtong ko habang diretso na nakatingin sa kanya.
Hindi siya nakasagot.
I leaned my back against the couch and leaned my head back. "Come on. Abogado ka na. Certainly, it's easier to talk about this now as compared to before."
Umiling siya. "No," sabi niya. "I lost my composure then."
"Maybe. But you meant every word you said."
"Deanne—"
"What?" I asked, giving out a short laugh that made me feel like a clown. How could I laugh about this now when it broke me before? It made me question kung kasalanan ko ba talaga na bumagsak siya kahit ginawa ko naman lahat para suportahan siya?
"Come on, just say it," I urged him. "You can't make me say it for you. It's unfair."
Natahimik siya.
"You wanna know what I think, Samuel? I know you're a good person and deep inside you, you wanted to tell the police the truth about what happened that night. But also, like any other person, you have self-preservation. Mas madali naman kasi na sundin na lang iyong gustong mangyari ng frat mo. It's easier that way, right? But you're a good person. And you know that it'll haunt you for life if someone is in jail because of a lie you chose to corroborate. Still, you can't make a decision. You don't want to make the hard choice. So, you made me choose. And when everything failed, I was there. You have someone to blame."
"Deanne—"
Mabilis akong umiling. "It's what happened," sabi ko sa kanya. "You made me choose and made me the person to blame. And know what? You're doing it again. You want to proceed with the annulment but you don't want to risk your mother's health. And once again, you can't make a choice. Kaya ka nandito, 'di ba? Kasi ako na naman iyong gusto mong magdesisyon para sa 'yo."
Hindi siya nakapagsalita.
Guilt was written all over his face.
I knew I was right because I knew him—I knew what was happening then but I chose to ignore it all because I loved him.
It was like... watching a movie you've already watched. You know how it would end. Still, you kept your eyes open. You held on to the tiny sliver of hope that maybe there's an alternate ending to this pero naglolokohan lang kayo.
"I just want to ask... why was it easier for you to blame me than to take accountability for the decisions that you made?"
Napaiwas siya ng tingin. Rinig na rinig ko iyong bawat paghinga namin dahil sa katahimikan na bumabalot sa pagitan naming dalawa.
"You blamed me for failing the BAR when I did everything para suportahan ka. I skipped classes for you. You knew how badly I was struggling with my review classes, but I did that for you. Kaya hindi ko lang talaga maintindihan kung bakit ako iyong sinisisi mo na bumagsak ka? Kasi alam nating dalawa na wala akong kasalanan."
I didn't know if he really failed the BAR because he was too distracted to review... Or if his fraternity had something to do with that... Pero kahit na ano pa sa dalawa na iyon, bakit ako iyong nasisi? Bakit kasalanan ko?
"I know," he said. "It was my fault. You did nothing wrong. You were nothing but supportive and patient," he continued. "I'm so sorry, Deanne. You deserved better."
I gave him a small smile. "A bit too late for your realization, but still, thank you. I know I deserve better."
I know it.
Kaya kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na gusto ko siya, hindi ko makita na magkakabalikan kami. At least not now. At least not in the near future. Because as he said—I deserve better.
And this Samuel right here? He's the worst version of himself and I was not about to let myself be dragged down by him yet again.
"I'll understand if you don't want to proceed with the annulment, but for the love of god, make the decision yourself," I said before I began to awkwardly eat my food. It was a tough conversation... but I glad we had it.
**
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