Chapter 40
"What?" tanong ko kay Shanelle nang ilang segundo na ay nakatingin pa rin siya sa akin. I knew I should've stayed outside at hinintay ko na lang sila na matapos mag-usap. I knew that that was the logical and rational thing to do. I was here for work; I was here as a professional. But I also knew that it was just prolonging what was meant to happen—I would meet Samuel's mother eventually. She would hate me in front of my face eventually. I just made the easier decision. At least dito, si Shanelle lang ang makakakita ng reaksyon ko.
It's fucked up—we're not even friends pero parang siya iyong nakakaalam ng lahat ng mga bagay na kung pwede lang, isasarili ko na lang.
"Nothing," sagot niya habang bahagyang umiling.
I forced a nod, too. We both knew that it was not nothing, but neither of us wanted to discuss it—at least not right now.
"Why are you here again?" she asked.
"Right," sabi ko nang maalala ko iyong dahilan kung bakit nandito ako. I wanted to tell her that usually, kliyente ang pumupunta sa abogado para magtanong ng progress ng kaso. But I digress—iba nga pala itong sitwasyon namin ni Shanelle. We're in some fucked up situation na akala ko noon ay sa telenobela ko lang mapapanood. Sino ba namang gago ang papayag na maging abogado ng asawa ng ex mo sa annulment case? Ako na yata iyong pinaka-gagang lawyer.
"May trial date na," dugtong ko.
Tumango siya. "Is everything prepared?"
"Kailangan nating ipasa iyong affidavit five days before the trial," sabi ko sa kanya. "Basahin mo ulit bago ko ipasa."
"Do I really have to?" she asked.
Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko. "Of course, you have to," I told her because we've gone this far para magkamali pa kami. We already began dragging Samuel's reputation through the mud—worse, permanently destroy his relationship with his family. And if I knew anything about Samuel, mahalaga sa kanya iyong pamilya niya. That's why it fucking haunts me na gamitin iyong grounds na iyon knowing that it would reopen wounds that have probably never healed yet.
Hindi agad nakapagsalita si Shanelle.
"What are you thinking?" tanong ko sa kanya. She looked at me, but a minute passed and I heard nothing. "For fuck's sake," medyo naiinis na sabi ko sa kanya, "I know you're paying me, Shanelle, but help me here. Abogado mo ako—hindi ako magician. Hindi ko mabibigay sa 'yo 'yung gusto mo kung lagi kang nagwiwithhold mula sa akin."
"I'm sorry," she said. Ngayon ko lang yata narinig ang mga salita na 'yan mula sa kanya.
"Nag-iba na ba ang isip mo?" I asked.
Kung magbago man ang isip niya, hindi ito iyong unang beses na nakita kong nangyari 'yan. The annulment proceeding is a long and tedious process—tumatagal ng taon. And a lot can happen in a year. Pwedeng maubusan ng pera, maubusan ng pasensya, o magkabalikan.
"No," sabi niya na bahagyang umiling.
"Then what?"
"Samuel's mom... And my dad..." sabi niya at huminga nang malalim. "I just wish I could give no fucks."
Hindi ako nagsalita. Sabi nila, kung wala kang magandang sasabihin, 'wag ka na lang magsalita. Wala akong magandang sasabihin.
"Too late now para magsisi," I told her. "I'll send you the draft bago ko ipasa. I'll also discuss with Yago iyong tungkol sa psych evaluation para klaro lahat," dugtong ko. "And next time, magreply ka sa email ko," I added dahil ayoko nang bumalik pa dito sa opisina niya dahil kung sinu-sino ang nakakasalubong ko.
Pagbalik ko sa opisina, sinabihan ko agad iyong secretary ko na unless urgent, 'wag muna magpapasok sa mismong opisina ko. I just really needed to focus my undivided attention to my work. I refuse na maapektuhan iyong ibang trabaho ko sa issue nilang dalawa ni Samuel.
Thankfully, the day ended without any unwanted visitor. Buong araw lang akong gumawa ng paper works ko at saka nagdouble check. Alam ko trabaho na dapat 'to ng paralegal, but I just couldn't risk having any idle time. Ayoko lang isipin pa iyong sinabi sa akin ng nanay ni Samuel. Naiintindihan ko naman siya... Nakakainis lang na hindi ko maipagtanggol nang sapat iyong sarili ko dahil may mga bagay na hindi ko pwedeng sabihin.
"May usapan ba tayo ngayon?" I asked nang makita ko si Iñigo na naghihintay sa akin.
Umiling siya. "Wala naman. Dinner?"
"Okay... Weird," I told him kahit ang weird na nandito siya bigla. "Kanina ka pa rito?"
Tumango siya. "Sabi ko sa 'kin bawal ka raw istorbohin, e."
"True. Istorbo ka kasi."
"Grabe! Naalala na nga kita!"
It's so weird and random na nandito si Iñigo, pero wala na akong brain capacity para isipin pa iyon. Pumunta kami ni Iñigo sa karinderya malapit sa office. 'Di naman talaga ako mahilig sa pares dati, pero dahil paborito ata ni Iñigo 'yon kaya natutunan ko na rin kainin. Okay lang kasi 'di na rin ako kumakain ng tapsilog. Alam mo 'yon? Nakakainis kasi iyong mga paborito mong bagay hindi mo na magawa o kaya iyong paborito mong pagkain hindi mo na makain kasi may maaalala ka na. Na leche kahit nga simpleng kanta, parang biglang may throwback.
"Ano ba kasi?" I asked nang mapansin ko na nakatingin sa akin si Iñigo.
"Wala," he said. I made face because obviously, I wasn't buying it. "Wala nga," he continued. "Ano lang..." he said like he was uncomfortable. "Alam ko 'yung pakiramdam na naiipit sa kaso kahit hindi mo gusto. Wala akong makausap nun—mahirap saka nakakabaliw. Kaya gusto ko lang na alam mo na kung kailangan mo ng kausap, one call away lang ako."
I arched my brow. "Paano kapag hinahanap ka rin ni Cha?" I asked to lighten the mood kasi hindi ako sanay na ganito kami kaseryoso.
Umirap siya. "Syempre magpapaalam muna ako 'don."
"Under ka talaga."
Natawa siya. "Never naman ako nag-deny."
I acted like I was gagging but truth was, I wanted what they have. They were together through thick and thin. They struggled against all odds.
They... made it.
And whenever I look at them, napapaisip ako kung bakit kaming dalawa, hindi nagawa iyong mga nagawa nila.
Kulang ba iyong pagmamahal namin?
San kami nagkamali?
Pero tangina lang kasi wala namang do-over.
Tapos na.
Nakalipas na.
Ang pait talaga ng lasa ng regrets at what ifs.
"Thanks," I told him.
"No problem."
"Ang hirap maging alipin ng salapi," I said. "Kung hindi ko lang kailangan ng pera, 'di ko tatanggapin 'tong kaso. Pakiramdam ko nabawasan iyong lifespan ko dito."
"Okay na ba?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Okay naman."
"May schedule na ng trial, noh?" he asked and I looked at him with my forehead creased. "Walang sinabi si Yago," he said like he was in defense mode. "Nakita ko lang 'dun sa synchronized calendar."
I nodded. "Okay..."
It was still weird for me na kausap ko iyong abogado nung kabilang kampo. It's cheating. It's illegal. I'd be suspended kapag may ibang nakaalam—worse, matanggalan pa ako ng lisensya.
Why the fuck was I doing this again?
"Matatapos din 'yan," sabi ni Iñigo. "Basta lagi mo lang isipin na trabaho lang. Try mo kalimutan tuwing lalabas ka ng court room."
"Ganon ba ginawa mo dati?"
Tumango siya. "Di ko lang natuloy," sabi niya. "Mahirap din kasi talaga kapag personally invested ka kaya lang nandyan na, e. Tapusin mo na lang."
"Isang taon pa 'to."
"At least."
I frowned at him. "Thanks for the reminder."
Tumawa siya. "You're welcome."
Mukha ata talaga akong namatayan dahil binilhan pa ako ni Iñigo ng ice cream after naming kumain ng pares. I mean, mabait naman talaga sa akin si Iñigo pero ang weird lang ngayon. I was almost tempted to ask him kung bakit niya 'to ginagawa—if may nakiusap ba sa kanya na puntahan ako at pakainin.
But still...
Not my business.
My pending cases are my business—that's it.
"Okay lang naman siya, right?" I asked. Iñigo nodded without even asking kung sino iyong tinatanong ko. I didn't know for sure dahil hindi naman namin pinaguusapan, but as far as I was concerned, naging medyo close si Iñigo at Samuel dahil pareho silang persona non grata nung frat nila. Nakakatawa lang na ewan dahil si Iñigo na ayaw doon mula sa simula at si Samuel na ginawa lahat para sa kanila. Pero ano iyong ending? Pareho silang ginago.
Marami akong katangahan na ginawa sa buhay ko, pero iyong hindi ko pagpasok sa sorority ata iyong isa sa mga pinakamagandang desisyon sa buhay ko.
* * *
Shanelle had been more cooperative kahit na kita ko sa mukha niya na conflicted siya. I chose to ignore that. I just wanted to focus on the job at hand.
I was still coordinating with Yago tungkol sa kaso, but I also focused on my other pending cases. After all, I did what I did for the money. I needed more cases for more money. Alam ko na sinabi ng prof ko sa Legal Ethics na law should not be a business of making money and I know that morally, he's right, pero kung walang pera, wala kaming pambayad sa bills. I was just being practical.
When the day of the trial finally came, dumating ako roon nang saktong oras lang. I didn't want to have any free time to talk to anyone else other than my client. Nakausap ko naman na si Shanelle. We're good—at least, I was good.
I did the paper works; I did the heavy lifting already.
Now, I just have to act the part.
Tahimik akong nakaupo at nakatingin lang sa lamesa. It's just weird na sa kaso na 'to, I didn't need to memorize anything. Sa ibang kaso kasi, minsan ay nagpapractice pa ako sa sasabihin. Ewan ko. Edge ko na siguro na never akong naging sobrang confident sa skills ko bilang abogado so I tend to overcompensate. Kulang na lang gawan ko ng script iyong mga sasabihin ko—athough minsan ginagawa ko nga.
Pero sa kaso na 'to?
It's like I was there.
Alam ko iyong bawat detalye—iyong bawat lugar, bawat petsa.
It's like a fucking curse.
I wasn't the one who married him yet I was privy to their marriage.
Ito talaga iyong sinasabi ni Iñigo na iba kapag may personal attachment ka sa kaso kahit labag sa loob mo.
Napatingin ako sa katabi ko. Tahimik lang siya. I didn't say a word to Shanelle. I was her lawyer—hindi niya ako therapist. May issues siya, pero may sarili din akong issues.
I tried to get back to thinking about nothing nang muling bumukas ang pinto at makita ko si Samuel. He mirrored the expression Shanelle had. Napatingin siya sa gawi ko. I didn't avert my gaze for a few seconds bago ko ibalik sa lamesa iyong tingin ko.
I seriously couldn't wait for this dumpster fire of a case to be over.
When I heard my client uttering a curse, automatic na napatingin ako sa kung saan siya nakatingin. I saw Samuel's mother. Of course she's here. Iniisip niya yata na kaya niyang baguhin iyong isip nung dalawa. I mean, looking at Shanelle, hindi na ako magugulat pa. She looked so fucking conflicted basta magulang ang usapan.
Huminga ako nang malalim.
Wala akong kasalanan sa paghihiwalay nilang dalawa kaya hindi dapat ako ma-guilty.
"Deanne," pagtawag sa akin ni Shanelle.
Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko dahil pangalan ko ang sinabi niya. "What?" I asked. I said nothing after. I was just staring at her, waiting for her to say what she wanted to say. "The judge will arrive in a few minutes. Kung may clarification ka tungkol sa kaso, sabihin mo na ngayon," I said, making it clear na tungkol sa kaso lang ang ieentertain ko na tanong.
Hindi siya nagsalita.
Bahala siya d'yan.
Hindi ako tumingin sa gawi nila Yago. Tumingin lang ako sa likuran ko nang magtext sa akin iyong psychiatrist na nandon na siya pati iyong pagdating ni Rhys bilang corroborative witness. Hindi ko alam kung paano napapayag ni Samuel si Rhys para maging witness namin. I didn't even ask him about that and when I first talked to Rhys, I went straight to business. Ngayon ko naappreciate lalo iyong pagiging seryoso niya dahil iyong tungkol sa kaso lang talaga ang usapan namin.
Nang dumating iyong judge, huminga ako nang malalim at muling pinaalala sa sarili ko na tulad ng lahat ng bagay, matatapos din 'to. Iyong pag-iyak ko kay Samuel noon akala ko hindi matatapos pero nandito ako ngayon, okay naman...
Matatapos din 'tong kaso na 'to.
Tapos... balik na ako sa normal kong buhay.
Boring pero at least hindi magulo.
Pwede na rin.
"Counsel, present your evidence."
Tumayo ako at aksidenteng napatingin ako sa gawi ng nanay ni Samuel. I saw her clutching her rosary. She looked at me with dismay in her eyes. Ibinaling ko iyong tingin ko sa iba.
"Your Honor," I said as I began presenting the documentary evidence for the case. It was just a rehash of the things already mentioned. Paulit-ulit lang. Labanan ng consistency sa storya. Nadidismiss lang naman iyong petition kapag magulo iyong kwento. Ewan ko ba sa ibang tao na kapag nasa mismong trial na, biglang nagdadagdag-bawas ng kwento. Tapos kapag na-dismiss, kasalanan nung abogado kahit sila iyong biglang gumawa ng sarili nilang diskarte. Akala ata madadaan sa paawa iyong judge e labanan ng technicality 'tong annulment.
I was in the middle of introducing a new evidence nang mapatingin ako sa gawi ng nanay ni Samuel. I wanted to ignore her and to just do my fucking job, pero agad na napakunot ang noo ko nang makita ko na nakahawak siya sa dibdib niya. She looked like she was trying to breathe deeply. My lips parted. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Do I call her? Do I call Samuel's attention? Was she having a heart attack? I had no fucking idea what was happening and I was probably staring at her for far too long nang mapansin na rin ako ng judge.
"Ma'am, do you need anything?" biglang sabi ng judge.
Lahat sila ay napatingin sa nanay ni Samuel. She shook her head and motioned that she was fine, but her hand was still clutched close to her chest. The judge gave us a thirty minute break. Lahat sila ay lumabas at kaming dalawa ni Yago ang naiwan doon.
"You okay?" he asked.
"No, not really," I replied. "Can't wait for this to be over." He gave me a sympathetic smile. "Hindi ba pwede na wala na rito 'yung nanay ni Samuel?" I asked because she was obviously having a hard time listening to everything and tho she didn't like me, it was not like I was enjoying being the one telling the story.
"Believe me, we tried."
Napahinga na lang ako nang malalim.
Kung ako lang ang masusunod, hindi na ako lalabas hanggang sa mag-resume. But at one point, I needed to go outside. Napaawang ang noo ko nang si Samuel lang ang makita ko roon at wala iyong nanay niya.
"Okay ka lang ba?" I asked like any other person would.
"No, not really," he replied.
Bahagyang tumango ako. "Okay..." I said as I readied myself to walk past him. I wanted to talk, maybe, but this wasn't the place for that. Here, I was his wife's lawyer. It didn't feel right to stand here so close and talk to him.
"This is so fucked up," he said as I took a step.
"I know," I replied.
We were the only person in the hallway.
I wanted someone else to be here.
I didn't like having the opportunity to talk like this.
"I don't enjoy doing this."
Tumingin siya sa akin.
"But I'll still do my job, Samuel."
"Alam ko," sagot niya.
"You wanted this annulment, right?"
Hindi siya sumagot.
The seconds felt like they were being stretched to a lifetime.
"Yes," he said.
"Great."
"But my mom."
"I know, but it is what it is, I suppose," I said, looking into his eyes. "Should've really known that marriage for convenience is only convenient until it's not."
**
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