Chapter 39
"Si Samuel?" tanong ko kay Yago nang magkita kami sa bahay ni Kitty para sa dinner.
"Di mo nakakausap?" he asked.
Umiling ako. "Ayos lang ba siya?"
"I mean, as far as annulment proceeding goes, I think he's relatively fine," sabi niya. Nakatingin pa rin ako sa kanya, naghihintay ng iba pang pwede niyang sabihin. "He's fine, Deanne. Don't worry—that guy's been through worse."
"Doesn't mean he's already used to it," mabilis na sagot ko.
"Didn't meant it that way."
"I know. I'm sorry," I replied. "Iyon... iyong sa nanay niya?" I asked because I knew that that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Samuel's close to his mom but when we last talked, he said that it's been long since he last talked to her. Tapos ganoon pa lahat nung narinig ng nanay niya tungkol sa kanya nung pretrial.
And his brother—I was sure it brought back bad memories.
"I'm sorry, I can't say anything dahil hindi ko rin alam," Yago replied. "But if you want to talk to him, I can arrange something."
Tipid akong ngumiti. It's not that I can't talk to him... it's just that I couldn't find the courage to talk to him. I felt... somehow responsible for everything. Minsan, iniisip ko na kung hindi ba kami naghiwalay, aabot ba sa ganito? Kung sana nagtiis pa ako nang kaunti, kung naghintay pa ako na maging mas okay siya, sa ganito rin ba kami hahantong?
Na kulang ba iyong pagmamahal ko nun sa kanya? Na dapat ba mas minahal ko siya? Na dapat mas inintindi?
Ang dami kasing what ifs.
Ang daming posibilidad.
Ang bigat sa pakiramdam.
Nung matapos iyong dinner, lumabas muna ako para magpahangin. Ayoko rin umuwi muna kasi for sure katahimikan lang ang sasalubong sa akin. Although ayokong pagusapan iyong nangyari sa pretrial, still, being around my friends brought me a sense of comfort.
"Hey... Okay ka lang?" Kitty asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied nung makita ko na sinundan niya pala ako.
"Here if you wanna talk."
I smiled. "I know. I'm just not in the mood for talking."
She nodded. "All right. I'll just stand beside you in silence if that's fine."
"Di mo ba mamimiss si Jax?" I asked in jest because I used to tease her back then na may unhealthy obsession siya kay Jax. I remembered when I first ask about Jax, nakabakod agad si gaga.
Pero imbes na umirap sa joke ko, tumingin lang siya sa akin na parang gusto niya na lang akong yakapin at sabihin na magiging maayos din ang lahat.
Alam ko naman 'yon.
Kaso... alam ko rin na matagal pa 'yon.
Kaya sa ngayon, tatanggapin ko na pagod lang ako.
"I've been there," sabi niya sa akin. "I used to think na never na kami ni Jax. I used to think na dapat ko na lang tanggapin na ganoon na iyong buhay ko. But... I am happy now, Deanne. I am happy because people fought for me to be where I am now. Si Jax, my friends, you... and even Iñigo..."
I gave her a small smile. "Happy you're happy," I honestly said.
"I know. And you will be, too."
"Soon."
"Yes, soon, but it will happen." I just shrugged. "The future seems bleak now, but I believe that you'll find happiness and peace soon."
Binigyan ko lang ng ngiti si Kitty. Before, she was never... religious, I think. I mean, she's got her beliefs and whatnots, pero never ko ata narinig 'to magsalita tungkol sa Diyos. But I guess prison really does change everyone. After she got out, naging religious siya bigla. Jax and Kitty go to mass every Sunday and I think malapit na ring magbible study 'tong babaeng 'to. I mean, good for her as long as she won't impose her religion on me. As long as she's at peace.
* * *
After the dinner, umuwi na ako sa condo. Silence, once again. I was just staring at the ceiling, wondering about what would happen a year from now, a decade from now...
God.
Nakakapagod na agad ngayon pa lang.
Hindi ako makatulog. I grabbed my laptop and decided to just work. I initially wanted to drink, but I believe na tapos na ako sa paginom. Just... after everything that went down during the pretrial, parang never na ako iinom nang hindi iyon naaalala.
After working for a bit, I decided to scroll through social media to kill some time. I didn't know what to feel nang makita ko iyong pictures na pinost ng mga kaibigan ko. A lot of them have families of their own. Iyong iba, kasal na.
I wanted all of that—I wanted marriage, kids, and the whole package. I guess kailangan nang itigil... Kasi wala na akong papakasalan. Feeling ko rin masyado na akong matanda para magkaanak. Ayoko rin naman magampon na ako lang kasi busy ako sa trabaho—unfair para sa bata kung mapapabayaan siya.
Leche talaga 'yang mga realization kapag 2AM.
Hanggang sa papasikat na ang araw ay hindi pa rin ako nakakatulog. I decided to go on a run dahil mamaya pa namang 8AM iyong start ng trabaho ko.
I went out and just ran. I just wanted to clear my mind. Pero agad akong natigilan nung magkasalubong kami ni Samuel. Mukhang nagulat din siya nang makita ako.
"H-hi," I said because it had been a while since we last saw each other. Wala naman kasing dahilan para magkita kami. Saka ganoon talaga sa annulment o sa kahit na ano pang kaso sa Pilipinas—mabagal ang usad parang pagong. Minsan nga, mas nauuna pang mamatay iyong mga involved sa kaso kaysa magkaroon ng hatol.
"Hi," he replied.
"Layo ng narating mo," I said because as far as I could remember, hindi naman siya dito nakatira.
"Dito ako nagjjogging," he replied. "Ngayon lang kita nakita."
"Hindi ako mahilig mag-exercise," I told him.
"Right... Kahit sa pagakyat lang sa hagdan napapagod ka na."
Umirap ako. "Kaya nga may elevator at escalator, 'di ba?"
Samuel smiled and it was really nice to see him smile. I really missed the old him—naalala ko pa nung una ko siyang makita. Nahulaan ko agad na dati siyang sacristan kasi ganoon talaga iyong dating niya. Ganoon pa rin naman ngayon... Mukha pa rin siyang mabait at hindi gagawa ng kasalanan, only now, he looked tired, as well.
"Wala bang jogging route sa inyo?" I asked kasi ang layo nito sa lugar niya. But instead of answering, all I got from him was a shrug. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa. Kaya ba dito siya kasi ineexpect niya na makakasalubong niya ako? But he should know na hindi ako nagjjogging.
Or maybe he left it to fate.
Na baka magkita kami.
Kaso hindi nangyari dati.
Pero nagkita na kami ngayon.
"Magccoffee ako 'dun sa may coffee shop malapit sa condo ko pagkatapos nito," I said with a small smile bago ako nagpatuloy sa pagtakbo ko dahil ayoko na magusap kami sa gitna ng daan.
I tried to run, instead, it was my mind that kept on running back to him. Huminga ako nang malalim nang makita ko agad siya na nakaupo sa loob nung coffee shop. I ordered my coffee. And then sat at one of the vacant chairs on the common table.
"Kamusta?" I asked.
"Good."
"Good," I replied.
Tumingin siya sa akin. "I apologize again."
"Not your fault," sabi ko sa kanya. "May sariling isip 'yung Mama mo."
Although it was frustrating na masisi sa pagtatapos ng kasal nila, I didn't want to pile on Samuel's problem. I knew that more than the annulment proceeding, mas nahihirapan siya sa sitwasyon sa pamilya niya.
"Can't you just tell your family na hindi naman totoo lahat?"
"But it's true," he said. "Most, at least."
Napatingin ako sa kanya. "I know, but... It was a hard time. People cope differently," I told him. Dinaan niya sa alak. Ako rin naman... Pero ang pinagkaiba siguro namin ay nung panahon na gusto ko nang malunod, may mga kaibigan ako na humila sa akin pabalik sa pampang.
Pero siya?
He was left alone.
The frat he served fervently left him... just like that.
So, yes, I do understand.
Kulang lang siguro dati.
Ewan ko.
Hindi ko na rin maintindihan ngayon.
"Thank you, but it's better this way. I need to show her the worst para hindi niya na ipagpilitan pa."
"She's still hoping for reconciliation?"
"Yes," he said. "Devout Catholic. Marriage is forever."
"I'll never understand that."
He gave me a small smile. "I do," sabi niya. "Pero iba-iba lang talaga 'yung threshold ng tao. My parents' marriage wasn't perfect, but Mom chose to stay over and over again because that's what God wants. I choose differently."
Tumingin ako sa kanya. "Bakit mo pinakasalan?"
Hindi agad siya nakapagsalita. I knew the answer to the question. Ilang beses ko na 'tong narinig kay Shanelle. I already accepted it. Pero gusto ko lang na marinig mula sa kanya.
"It was convenient," he said.
"Bullshit," I replied. "Being single—that's convenient."
"I can't give you a better answer, D. I wish I could give you an answer that will satisfy you... but that's all I got. When we broke up, I was at my lowest. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know my purpose. And Shanelle was there. It was just that. No more, no less."
Tinawag iyong pangalan ko nung barista.
Hindi ako makagalaw.
"But marriage, Samuel? So... so fucking permanent," huling sabi ko sa kanya bago ako tumayo para kunin ang kape ko at diretsong lumabas na rin.
* * *
Mayroon ng schedule para sa trial. I tried to call Shanelle, but she wasn't responding. Baka busy kaya naman nung nagkataon na walang client, I decided na puntahan na lang siya. Dinala ko iyong mga affidavits at iba pang documents an sinubmit namin para mabasa lang namin ulit dahil consistency ang labanan sa ganito. We also needed to meet with our corroborative witness na si Rhys—he's a friend to both of them and he agreed nung sinabi namin iyong plan.
Pagdating ko sa opisina nila Shanelle, wala iyong tao sa reception kaya naman dumiretso na ako sa opisina niya. I knocked once, but it seemed like the door wasn't fully closed kaya naman bumukas iyon nang kaunti.
"Ma... there's no need for this," narinig kong sabi ni Shanelle.
"Please, anak, just extend more patience... We know Samuel... He's just in a dark place right now, but as his wife, you must stand beside him."
"Ma—"
"In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer," I heard her say. "Remember your vow, anak. Marriage is forever."
Hindi ko narinig pa iyong boses ni Shanelle. Ni hindi ko kailangang makita pa kung ano iyong reaksyon niya dahil alam ko na kung ano iyon. I knew that she loves Samuel's mom like her own. Ilang beses niyang sinabi sa akin na kung pwede ba na wala rin doon iyong nanay ni Samuel dahil ayaw niya na madamay pa.
"Ano na ang humihingi ng dispensa sa ginawa ng anak ko sa 'yo... But please give him another chance... My son's a good person... You know that that's why you married him... You just have to find forgiveness in your heart..."
There was a long stretch of silence.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako biglang kinabahan.
Shanelle's a strong person... but even the strongest of us have our weakness... At alam ko na magulang iyong kahinaan niya kagaya nung sa tatay niya. She decided to hide who she really is for the sake of her sick father.
Kaya naman bago pa siya makapagsalita ay binuksan ko iyong pinto. Rinig na rinig ko iyong kabog ng dibdib ko nang makita ko na nakatingin sa akin iyong nanay ni Samuel.
"I'm sorry to intrude," I said, begging my voice not to break. "I received the schedule for the trial."
Pilit akong tumindig sa harapan nila kahit gusto nang sumuko ng mga tuhod ko.
"Good afternoon po," pagbati ko sa kanya. Because after everything, she's still his mom.
Instead, what I received was her staring down at me, shaking her head in disappointment. "I hope you can sleep well at night knowing that you destroyed a marriage."
"Ma—"
Pero hindi natuloy ang sasabihin niya dahil nakatingin lang sa akin ang nanay ni Samuel. Ni hindi ako makagalaw. I imagined us meeting. I imagined her telling me that she likes me for her son dahil iyon ang sinabi sa akin ni Samuel dati. But the exact opposite was happening. She was looking at me with spite instead of welcoming me with her arms wide open.
"I'm sure there are other men out there, Deanne," she said, saying my name like she's been saying it a lot before. Siguro dahil dati na nila akong pinaguusapan ni Samuel. O dahil ilang beses niya na ako pinagdasal ngayon dahil sa tingin niya, ako si Magdalena na inakit ang anak niya. "You will never be at peace knowing na nangagaw ka ng lalaki."
I felt my chest tightening.
I felt my eyes burning.
But I stood there and stood my ground.
"Wala po akong inagaw at wala po akong sinirang kasal, Ma'am. Malinis po ang konsensya ko. At sabi din po sa bible, 'He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her,'" dagdag ko. "Mawalang galang na rin po kasi kailangan na naming magusap ng kliyente ko," dugtong ko bago pa ako tuluyang maiyak sa sama ng loob sa harapan niya.
**
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