Personal life? So fucked up in the initial days of the new year itself.
Do not disappoint me with the lack of support, dear readers. I have updated this chapter in between so much emotional trauma. So, understand and be generous.
Target Vote:- 234+
“How is this?”
“Namrata?”
“Namrata, look here!”
“NAMRATA!” Ayaan shakes me wildly causing me to jerk out the trace I have been in. “What happened? What were you thinking?”
“N-nothing,” I manage to flash a smile that he doesn't buy. “I was looking at the other models.”
“On the plain walls?” he mocks.
I sigh. “What were you telling me?”
“Is this design okay?” he asks showing the ring designs for engagement.
Those designs prick my heart and my fingers fist under the table as I caress my engagement ring, Sirish's great-grandmother’s ring.
“Okay,” I whisper blinking my tears.
He nods. “Pack them and deliver them to the address,” he orders the salesman of this jewellery shop and gets on his feet to leave. Once we are in the car, he asks, “What were you thinking?”
Should I tell him that I am thinking about Sirish?
Should I tell him that I am not ready for this?
Will Ayaan understand my heart or do I have to live my entire life like this doing things I don't like just because Ayaan did favours for me?
“Daddy’s health. I called him a while ago. Sirish was worried as he was handling a kid for the first time and Dhvani went home to give treatment. She injected him and my son might be sleeping now,” I whisper.
He sighs. “Why did you leave Dev with Sirish? Did you forget that he killed your father and attempted to kill your son when he was in your womb?” he asks with a slight irritation in his voice.
I squeeze my shoulders together and pull my lips in a thin line, “I don't know,” I blink the tears. “Trusting Sirish with our son came as an instinct. Like I didn't hesitate to make my son depend on Sirish. A sudden warmth to trust him and a belief that our son will be perfect with him even though sirish doesn't know his preferences, I didn't doubt Daddy’s safety.”
“Why are you letting him share your responsibilities, Namrata? You never allowed me! Why him, Namrata?” He is insecure. I understand it but I can't decipher the turmoil in my chest.
“When it is about Dev, I am letting him share the responsibilities because Dev is his son as much as he is mine,” I mumble, “At the end, I am becoming yours, right?” Forcibly.
He sighs and holds my hand, “I am scared you will go back to Sirish,” he whispers, “Not to deny, Sirish has the upper hand irrespective of the situation—”
“Ayaan—”
“Namrata, I still remember the way you pushed me away years ago claiming that only Sirish should love you and kiss you. Yes, you were innocent and you had no idea about the things between the couple but you weren't true then!” he chuckles looking away, “You still push me away—”
“I am not comfortable—”
“With Sirish?”
I look at him with tears and take a deep breath, “I am not comfortable with intimacy, Ayaan,” a tear rolls down my cheek and I fidget with my fingers, “I don't want anything more than Devarsh’s happiness. I failed as a mother. I thought I could do the roles of both parents like my father but I failed. Dev started seeking for father's love and I had to give it to him. It doesn't mean that I am comfortable with Sirish. It's no mere torture to look at him every second as my father's murderer rather than the groom my father chose for me. Don't be scared that I will fly back into my husband’s arms.”
“My?” he chuckles, “Namrata, if you ever know that Sirish wasn't a murderer and the husband who didn't cheat on you, will you love him again?”
That question puts my thoughts on a period to my current life as I jump back into the life I had with Sirish. I haven't thought of it ever. Sirish is a murderer. I have seen it in the video. There is no maybe. He is.
Sirish's warm gaze. His care. His efforts. His promises. His smile. The constellation in his eyes. Everything plays in front of me for a second and without my grant, a tear rolls down my cheek.
Ayaan smiles sadly and wipes my tears. “I was selfish that's why I have never asked this because I anticipated this silence that is more disastrous than the silence before a storm. But now, my selfishness is for your happiness and a life you could live again like you had when your father was with you, so, I asked you, Namrata.”
“Can you do me a last favour?” I mumble.
“Yes.”
“I just need time to sort everything. I need to talk to Sirish. I will tell you my decision soon but please, I just need some time so that I won't hurt either of you. Postpone the engagement and wedding. Please, Ayaan.”
He presses his lips in a thin line and smiles at me, “Talk to Sirish about everything. Until then, I won't disturb you.” He blinks the moisture in his eyes and heaves out.
The car comes to a halt and I look out of the window only to witness the beautiful sight my eyes craved for four years.
Sirish is on the balcony floor while Dev is sitting on his father's stomach playing with him. A genuine smile after a series of long painful chapters dangles on my lips.
“They look good,” Ayaan mutters, “I was sorry for my earlier talks. I may not be the same without you but I will live without you, Namrata. With your memories. I am giving you time again. I know I kept pressurizing you for years now to love me back but I can't do this anymore. I want your love as an instinct. Please, get on a decision where you see me as your lover but not as the guy to whom you feel you are liable because, Namrata, you were never.”
Grabbing my bag, I get onto my feet and walk to the stairs. My son’s laughs are echoing in the building and the pain the truth hidden by my husband caused is making my head heavy.
I go to the flat slowly only to be wrapped by the tiny arms of Dev and Annie. “Ma/Mami,” they both squeal. I giggle at them and kiss their heads.
As I am about to lift them, Sirish comes over and stops me. “You seem tired. Go and take some rest. I will make some snacks for them as well as for you,” he says with a smile and takes the bag from me. “Annie, take Dev with you. I will join you both.”
The little flowers run to the balcony holding each other's hands and laughing. I look around but don't see anyone. Dhvani?
“She left,” he whispers, giving me a glass of water. “She has a friend here. So, she and Aasthik went to meet her. How was your day?”
I nod. “I need to talk with you, Sirish.”
He smiles with a nod and sits next to me on the couch as he continues to chop vegetables.
“Did I ever mean anything to you?” I whisper.
“Everything,” he mutters, “You are my everything.”
I sigh. “Then, why did you betray me?”
“I didn't.”
“Stop lying,” I grit through my teeth, “You just lied every moment we were together.”
“Look into my eyes,” he says but I shake my head. “Bacha,” he squeezes my palm softly and kisses it. My eyes shoot up to meet his and they brim with untold truth. “I never lied to you.”
“How can I believe you, Sirish?” I sob, “You married me to conquer Daddy’s business—”
“But I fell for you within a month of our wedding. The selfishness in my chest evaporated the moment I realised I needed you.”
“You hurt me getting a woman into our room on our wedding night—”
“I didn't have sex with her. The only woman I was engaged in physical love after marriage is you.”
“You slapped me because Piyush harrassed me. You didn't trust me enough—”
“I do now,” he nods, “I do trust you and that's why I am not restricting you from going with Ayaan when I know you gave your consent to marry him.”
“You called me a dire.”
“My life is a bane without you, Princess. I love you, bacha.”
“You took advantage of my innocence to abort Dev—”
“I have gone through your medical history. Your mother had typical issues with pregnancy and she died. I didn't want it to happen to you. You were still depressed. How could I risk our baby’s health? You were just in your teens. I couldn't risk either your safety or the baby’s.” He kneels in front of me and looks me in the eyes. “I have enquired about your health condition after Dev was born. Due to premature birth, Dev was in hospital for two months. He was 1.5 Kg when he was born. He has respiratory problems still. You are diagnosed with diabetes and thyroid. I didn't want any of this. So, I wanted to end it.”
I blink my tears remembering Dev’s condition for two months under the damn instrument hovering over him and many medical equipment attached to him, the oxygen mask that used to cover his face. If Ayaan’s mother didn't do it, my baby wouldn't go through all this.
“Didnt you feel I should know about our baby?” I whisper.
“I only know that you wouldn't give up on him.” He scoots closer and cups my cheeks, “How many times I wasn't there with you to wipe your tears, Princess?”
“Every second.”
“If possible forgive me,” he mutters burying his face in between my knees, “I am sorry.”
“I will never forgive you,” I whisper and look at Daddy’s photo, “You took his life away. Daddy's life.”
His muscles tense up and he stares at me in shock.
“I know. That's why I left you.”
“Annie, come here. Let me feed you,” Namrata runs around the room for both the munchkins who aren't putting a halt to their active feet. “Dev, come, beta.”
How did she know? Is this the reason she is hating me? Will she ever love me back when we talk about it again? Because of Dev and Annie, we couldn't proceed with our talks and I am scared to continue. She will hate me from the moment I admit it.
“Ma/ Mami,” I jerk at my place when I see Namrata collapsing on the floor due to weakness.
I run to her and take her in my arms. “Princess?” I whisper fondling her cheeks. She looks at me defeated. Hurt. Anger. Love?! “Are you fine?”
She nods, “I didn't take thyroid tablets,” she fists my shirt trying to straighten herself but fails miserably, “They are over.”
I press her face in my chest and close my eyes. “I will get them refilled—”
“Don’t,” she whispers, “I don't want to have anything from my father’s murderer.”
Tears roll down from my cheeks and my lips press against her earlobe. “I am sorry, Princess. I am sorry.”
“These things don't work, Sirish. I was new to intimacy then but I am not now,” she tilts her head to look at me repeating the words I used then. She saw? But I was alone then. She was in the room waiting for me to get ice cream. “You fucked me already. I am not new to it now. Your touch, kiss, or your words don't affect me anymore.”
“I made love—”
“You made me believe like that,” She whispers and looks at Dev who is worried for her, “I believed it.”
“I love you—”
She shakes her head and holds Dev’s hand. Holding him to her, she sits up, “You never loved me.”
“Princess, from the moment I fell for you, I never fell out,” I whisper, “Cladded in a pink towel, scalp filled with hair, tiny hands trying to touch my face, and my eyes fixed on you, I found you as mine and this conscience knew I fell for you.”
“Don’t speak shit!” she gets on her feet and the kids follow her silently. She gulps down a glass of water and they start to eat whatever she feeds as they are scared that it was because of them she collapsed.
I pull my legs to my chest, leaning against the foot of the couch as I stare into space. I don't want to lose her. Never. Not in this life.
***
Two days later,
“Papa,” Dev hugs my legs as soon as he gets down from the school bus. I smile lifting him in my arms, “Where is Ma?”
“Look up,” I mumble, glancing upwards at my wife who is waving her hand excitedly while ignoring me royally, “She is waiting for you.”
“Let's go, then,” he mumbles kissing my cheeks and I go upstairs while he rambles about his day at school.
Once I let him set his feet on the floor of the flat, he runs to his mother and hugs her laughing. I smile at them and put his socks for laundry and shoes on the stand. Namrata avoids looking at me as she snatches the shoes from my hands.
“Dev, come here,” she calls for our son who rushes to us. “How many times shall I tell you never let Papa touch your shoes? This is not the way you have to organize.”
A smile touches my lips when she reprimands him. I know she doesn't want me to do such things where I have to kneel either in front of our son or anyone as love or anger.
“Sorry, Princess. Sorry, Papa,” Dev quickly apologizes and puts his shoes on the stand before running around excitedly, “Did Anu leave?”
For two days Annie was with us until she left this afternoon as it's been two days and Aasthik was missing her.
“She will come back if you do homework,” Namrata says with a smile, removing his uniform.
I look at the books on the bed she was reading till now after coming back from Khanna’s office. She isn't in college anymore because she has exams in less than a month and it's preparation holidays. She will leave for work at the cafe in an hour again.
“You continue studying. I will get him freshened up,” I whisper sitting next to her. She tenses up having me beside her because we developed a cold atmosphere between us after she confessed that I killed her father. “I will get you both snacks too.”
“I don't have enough groceries to run for this month. Don't make any snacks from now onwards. If you want to have breakfast, you can cook for yourself and Dev. When it's his snack time, either make him drink milk or if you can afford it, you can make him eat snacks by taking him to places.” She says.
I frown. “Let me buy groceries—”
“I don't want to accept anything from you. I have been living this life for four years and I am fine having the same life. I am letting you pay for my son only because he is yours too,” she whispers, not sharing even a single glance.
“Your health—”
“Doesn't matter,” she walks away and gulps some water. Smiling at Dev who tails behind her, she goes to the bedroom and starts studying again.
I sigh.
At night,
“Invest in Khanna’s company for collaboration.”
“But Sir, we are currently dealing with Parker’s—”
“We will handle it side by side. It's not an issue,” I whisper lowly when Dev stirs in his place with drool from the corner of his mouth. I clean his mouth and continue the meeting, “Issue the recruiting forms for the freshers.”
“Mr Thakur, is it regarding any personal benefit?” One of the BODs says with a smirk, “Heard that your wife, The owner of the powerful business company is working as a mere CA in a small company. Is this for her?”
“We object to it, Mr Thakur,” the other one says with hesitancy, scared of me, “We feel something gambling in the accounts as your wife will be handling the accounts we invest through our company and she will loot—”
“I dare you to complete that sentence,” Dev flinches in his sleep whereas the BODs, thousands of miles away from me, jerk at the cold intensity in my tone. I pat Dev’s back and continue, “No one! No one will taint her dignity with your assumptions. And...” Lingering my eyes over each man, I smirk, “Gentlemen, I own the major shares, I am the CEO, my wife is the Chairman as well as MD. It's our decision. Do it.”
I dismiss the meeting and sigh. I don't know how she managed to live a life alone with a toddler who is no less than a troublemaker. He can't sit in a place silently. Just like his mother, he wants all my attention to him and I had to postpone the meeting by delay hour after hour until it is 11 PM now.
Namrata isn't back yet. My guards who are following her secretly informed me that she left the cafe a few minutes ago. As I am about to call them again, the front door clicks, and there she is. Exhausted.
I reach her and hand her a glass of water but she avoids it. After her confession, she isn't accepting anything from me, not water, at least.
She immediately checks on our son and kisses his head. “What did he eat?”
“Veg Biryani,” I whisper. The groceries are indeed almost at the end and there are no vegetables, so I had to manage them and mix all of them to make veg biryani. “No vegetables.”
She sighs, facing her back at me and looking at our baby. “I will get them in the morning before leaving for work,” she mutters, loosening her hair.
I stare at her. She untangles her hair from the braid and buns it up. Wiping off her face with a wet cloth, she applies moisturizing gel to her pink lips.
“If you stop staring at me and leave the room, I will change,” she turns around to fish out her nightwear.
I spin on my toes and plate some biryani for her waiting for her but she never comes. I knock on the door and crack it open slightly when she allows me.
She freshened up and changed into a cream hoodie paired with brown tracks. With books lying around her, she is studying again.
“Dinner?” I whisper, “I plated it for you.”
She frowns. “I am fine. I told you to not cook for me.”
“But...” I trail off. “Have some.”
She ignores me, burying her face in books again. “Eat everything. I don't want anything.”
“But you—”
“Looking at you, nothing passes down my throat, Sirish. Having you in my home and staring at you every morning, is the biggest sin I am committing. I have enough on my plate to digest pricking my soul. Do not come in front of me and also, mention your leave soon along with divorce papers. I will be waiting.”
My throat clogs and my lips quiver. Gulping down my pain, I close the door and have food alone to not waste it, wiping my tears away furiously. After I am done, I do the dishes and clean the kitchen for tomorrow morning. Grabbing the pillow and duvet, I lay down on the floor.
I am happy that she is at least letting me near our son and blessing my sinned soul with her divine sight.
I tilt my head looking at the closed door with lights still on. Around 4 in the morning, they go off and she sleeps.
I close my eyes and smile at myself in pity recalling the incidents when she used to make me sleep in the hall but come back to squeeze herself in my arms going under my vest.
I broke her. I broke my innocent wife. I broke my wife. I broke my bacha. I broke my princess.
But...
I love her. So damn much.
***********
How is the chapter?
So, finally, Ayaan understands her and lets her think over the decision.
Namrata finally talked about her father's death. Will Sirish clear her about it?
More hatred is to come on the way, do not feel offended because it's her father, Sirish never gave a reason to trust her, Sirish tortured her after and before marriage too, Sirish rumored about her being mentally retarded, Sirish pushed her away from 18 years simply, out of no reason.
Don't expect her to be soft on him. Stop spreading hatred at Namrata.
Comment.
Surya.