***
I walked back up the street, dragging my feet as I looked to the ground, my head pounding and ears ringing. I scratched my neck where the cut was, looking up at the fading sky. I sighed. I never even got my coffee, and now I have to face whatever lies for me at home. The thought of it felt as if it tore a hole in my spine, and sad little monsters were crawling up my back and whispering depressing things in my ears. I felt somewhat empty after spending the last several hours of my life talking to Katie. Learning about Bill, her experience with the gang, what life was like for her in general. Empathy was such an important emotion to me because it helped me gain a vivid understanding of others, and seeing them on the same level of me. Growing up, I didn't get the attention I felt like I deserved so I always searched for it in others. I learned that relating to people is more comforting than actually asking for love, that's why kindness and regulated judgement was so important to me. The people who lacked what I had emotionally seemed to be astray, and apart of me wished I could help them. Help them understand others, so they could understand themselves.But, having such feelings can also affect oneself negatively. Which is why I also understand somewhat why people are unkind. Empathy is where you connect to others on an emotional level, so their feeling are contagious to you. Kind of like a yawn if you think about it. But, not only joy- you felt others pain too. Not in a way where you would make it about you, but it pulled at your heart strings and made you feel a bit less fulfilled.
I must've thought about this for a long time, by the time I re-connected to the outside world I was already reaching for my apartment door. I took a breath, and pulled it open. My eyes dried out with the gust of wind that hugged my face as I stepped inside. I blinked, regaining vision only to see nobody but the complex manager behind the desk. He looked up from his papers, and smiled. Stacey, was it?
"Good evening my dear!" He called from the other side of the room.
He gave me the creeps, I don't know why. I looked at him, and gave him an effortless wave. He clicked his tongue, and set his papers down as he exited from behind the counter.
"Where are your manners?" He asked me, his hands flat as he approached me.
I stopped walking, and cleared my throat. "Sorry, Hi." I muttered, trying to give him the 'fuck off' hint.
"That's better." He smiled at me, looking from my face down. "What happened to you?" One of his eyebrows raised.
"Ah, speaking of being busy, I saw your door was missing the handle." He added as he tapped his foot. "I was just going around doing my checks, and I noticed the room belonged to you."
I looked back at the strangely hopeful smile on his face, feeling strange about him.
''Oh yeah, I can handle that." I reassured him, starting towards the elevator.
"Oh no my sweet, it's already handled." He kept pace with me, his words echoing through my bruised mind.
"What do you mean?" I asked him as I stepped into the elevator.
"We can go up and check it out together." He said, stepping into the elevator. His pressed the button to take me to my floor, and with that the door closed- isolating us from everybody but eachother. I didn't like how he said 'together.'
"Angelina, correct?" He questioned, looking down at me.
"Yeah." I didn't look back at him.
"You know," He said, a bit aggravated. I watched as he clicked the 'panic' button on the door, causing it to stop. I looked up at him, starting to actually feel afraid. "Has anybody ever taught you respect?" He scolded, looking down at me with anger fueling his words. "How to respect a man?"
Before I could actually muster a response, he threw me against the shiny, tin wall as he held my face. He held the side of my head, pushing the rest down so I could see my reflection as he held me still.
"What're you doing, stop!" I thrashed under him, knocking at his disgusting chest as he man handled me.
"Fuck.." He groaned into my ears as I beat on him.
Being touched like this was worse than being physically hurt in my opinion. It was humiliating. I felt him tug on the neck of my shirt, tearing the seems almost all the way down.
"Stop!" I cried, my screams scratching my throat just as much as my nails scratched his face.
"Stop resisting gorgeous." He murmured, peeling off what was left of my shirt as I cried beneath him.
He slid me against the door, pressing me against the buttons. He kissed my neck and held his groin against my thigh as he messed with my shoulders. He put his hand above my head without noticing, and pressed several buttons causing the door to open under me. I stumbled back, and fell to the floor with a loud grunt. He fell on top of me, his hands on the ground trapping me under him.
"Oh I like that." He murmured against my neck as I panted under him, furiously trying to find a way out.
You would think as a woman who planned out her whole life she would've planned for something like this, just in case. And I did, I knew It was dangerous to live alone so young. But once it happens, you're lost. Everything is blank and you're just so afraid you don't know what to do or how to actually escape. People are smart, and even if you're calm about it, there's still a slim chance of escape. Thoughts ran through my mind like it was a track, coming and going too fast to actually understand what they meant. One moment I had a plan, then it was gone after her moved his hands to a different part of me.
"Stop!" I shrieked, my own voice hurting my ears.
He slammed his hand onto my mouth making me gasp under the unexpected pressure.
"Oh god, would you shut the fuck up?" He said, annoyed as he held my mouth shut. "If anyone wake up, it'll be you being punished." He purred as he looked at me, drool practically on his mouth.
Tears fell from my eyes how rain fell from tin roofs on a rainy afternoon. I couldn't do anything about what was happening and the though that I may just need to let it progressively get worse was like a kick in the gut. I let bloodcurdling cries escape my mouth from under his grip, trying my best to get somebodies attention. But, ironically enough t the busiest time of day, nobody was here. Not a soul in sight other than the monster gripping my mouth closed.
"Shh, shh.." He hushed, a smile on his perverted lips. "Just close your eyes, it'll be over soon." He reassured me, his lips getting closer and closer to me with each word.
He moved his hand to pet my head, loosening his grip a bit. I started flailing, my head knocking his nose with a crack. "Fuck!" I cried, splitting the skin on my forehead open.
"Dammit, you little.. fucking-" He started yelling, grabbing his nose with a groan as he stumbled back against the wall.
We fell out of the elevator on the fourth floor, I was only a few above mine. I decided to make a run for it, nothing powering my thoughts but rage, fear, and humiliation. I stood up as I looked back at him. He was distracted by the possible break of his nose, so I ran. I ran to the end of the hall, I swear it didn't end. The hall seemed to go from 401 to 410, back to 401. It was like I was going in circles, everything was moving so fast. I made it to the stairs, grabbing the rail as I ignored the pain in my legs. I ditched my torn shirt in the elevator, I wasn't about to risk it all just for a broken piece of fabric that didn't do anything but cover my shoulders at this point. If it meant i had to run around in my bra to escape losing my virginity to rape, then so be it. I made it to floor three, and I felt as my heart skipped with faith as I layed my eyes on floor 2. My knees hurt and my quads were killing me, but I was so close to getting away. I smiled, my eyes starting to tear faintly with joy. I set eyes on my door, my hands reaching for the knob. I twisted it, and my heart fell into pieces. He fixed the lock, but it was locked from the inside. I was still stuck. I heard the rapid, angry thuds of dress shoes coming down the stairs, and it was too late. If my purse weren't still in the elevator, I would be safely inside by now. Safe from him, safe from the shame he wanted to cause me. I looked at my hand wrapped around the door knob, and longed for the feeling of comfort. The elevator was in his direction, I was fucked either way. I closed my panting mouth, a gulp scratching at my throat as I pictured what he was going to do. I stood there, paralyzed with not fear anymore, just disappointment in myself.
"You cunt." He snarled, grabbing my neck from behind, and slamming my face into the door.
"Fuck!" I cried.
This was a stubborn time, everyone was at work. Nobody was here to hear my cries, pleas for help. I looked at the door he rammed my face into, locking a gaze with my own blood smeared on the door. I was getting so tired of being thrown around today.
"Not such a great feeling? Huh?" He threw me to my knees, shaking my head as I started to fall faint.
"Oh don't pretend on me now, you're gonna be awake for this." He grabbed my throat, one of his fingers slipping into his pant pocket, pulling out a key. "We're going inside." He jammed it into the lock on my door, he changed to entire fucking lock. I wouldn't have been able to get inside anyway.
He pulled the door open, and dragged me inside by my hair as I lay there, barely awake. I felt high, but not the good feeling. Like you took too much f the wrong medication, like an overdose. He slammed the door shut, and got on his hands and knees so we were eye level.
"Keep those open, I want to see what I'm feeling." His voice was hollow, but his words cut me deeper than a shank.
He shut the door, and put his lips on mine as he held my face against his. I couldn't move, or see. Blood was drying in my eyes, my throat was coarse from screaming, and I wasn't even conscious at this point. However, I could feel and hear everything. He untied the drawstring on my pants, being slow. He was antagonizing me, he liked knowing I didn't want him to. He put his hands on my hips, and I felt his lips brush against my ear.
"Angelina?" I heard from outside the door, the voice foggy and muffled. But nonetheless, I knew exactly who it was.
The doorknob shook, the knocks becoming distressed.
"Shit" Stacey grunted into my ear, his fingers working off my pants.
"Angelina open the door!" He called, his knocks turning into hits.
After no response, I heard a crack. The sound was familiar, it reminded me of last night in the bathroom when he broke the stall door open. It seemed like so long ago. I felt Stacey begin dragging me across the room, the crashes and clangs on the doorknob stopping as it swung open. I heard the chains on his boots scrape against the ground as he entered my room.
"Stacey." He murmured, his voice poisonous. "Where's Angelina?"
I heard as Stacey rubbed his hands together, ans he sniffed. "I don't know, I've been looking for her myself." He lied to him, straight to his face.
"Hm." He responded. "What happened to your nose?" He said, I heard the smile in his voice.
"I-" Stacey started to say, but before e could finish I heard a loud thud on the ground, and a disgusting gurgle.
I heard the chains wrapped around his leather shoes scrape around my house, his steps quick.
"Angelina?" His voice called.
His steps grew closer, and they slowed down. I felt a familiar warmth on my face, and cool fingers brush hair from my eyes.
"There you are." He murmured, his hands more gentle than I could've ever imagined. I heard the click of what sounded like a gun, and the slip of leather as he concealed it in his pants. I moved my hand, my fingers ever so gently touching the rim of his boots.
I was surprised at the weight that was lifted from my chest, I was somewhat happy to feel his presence. But, that didn't mean I felt any safer. I didn't want him here, but at the same time I really did.
***