TITLE: The Kingmaker
AUTHOR: YouCanCallMeCorn
GENRE: Fantasy
CHAPTERS I'VE READ: Five
PAYMENT FOR YOU
• Follow me (if you so desire, not required).
• Tell me what you think in the comments.
• Choose any story of mine, read half of what I've read for you, and leave comments. Note: Because I stopped at an uneven number, you can read two chapters of mine.
Plot
The plot follows a large cast of characters, though Tetsuya is the main POV. He is at once an Eye for the Prince and a mere Dancer, given the task of making a King out of a cursed Prince... all in a political scheme that will allow Tetsuya and his brother to be free. It's a complex plot, (so much so that I had to reread some chapters and your blurb) but it has great intrigue. I've read a lot of fantasy, though never anything quite like this story before.
Note: I stopped reading originally after chapter four, and proceeded to read chapter five before finishing this review. The reason I originally stopped was simply because I was busy, but after a few days of not picking it up again, I started to wonder why. This is the kind of story I assumed I would be the target audience for. It's got a lot of things I like: complex characters, Princes with secrets, tension, and a well-polished premise and writing. I like a lot of this story and simply found myself... skimming?
I don't even think this is a fault of the story and its plot, because when I read it, I invariably enjoy what I'm reading. At the end of the day though, I just don't think I'm your ideal reader.
I'm the type of person where once I get very into a story, I will not be able to stop. I consume the whole thing all at once. This goes the same in the opposite direction, so I don't want to force myself to keep going, and even if I did, that wouldn't be fair to you at all.
Let me attempt to explain my general reasoning for why I stopped where I did: I think (and of course my opinion is merely that), the pacing of some scenes threw me off. I'm guilty of doing this too in my own work, which I think actually contributed to me continuing to read, because I saw a lot of my own self in what you've written.
Some of your dialogue scenes (for example near the midpoint to the end of chapter five, and also to some extent, chapter four), happen while the characters are both having very interesting conversations, along with very interesting inner thoughts, but they're often not doing anything while they talk, so the pace sort of... stops so the characters can discuss, then moves along again. I'm aware (because, like I said, I also do this) that it's because the scene needs to happen for the plot, since the characters are having crucial discussions that advance to the next scene. However, if I were to make a suggestion, it would be to combine these scenes with ones where the characters are in movement, like the one at the beginning of chapter four when Tetsuya is walking with his brother. Here, we get two characters' actions along with the conversation, so the pace doesn't lose its steam, and I kind of don't notice the fact that they're having a long conversation because the fact that I'm also seeing them remark upon the setting is enough to make it less stagnant.
My opinion is, of course, merely just that, and at the end of the day, this is your story, and you know it better than anyone. My opinion is merely that, and it is subjective. I perceived it a certain way and you do not have to agree, since it mostly comes down to my preferences.
Characters
Tetsuya: I really like his character. He's not your usual protagonist, in the sense that he's not super active in the scenes, but it's intentionally done and it is done well. He's a figment of a guy, a semblance of a person, and yet I feel like I understand him on a fundamental level. He's clearly a very caring person deep down who is just trying his best with the cards he's been dealt. He's the sort of guy who you should be afraid of, but of course, nobody actually notices him often enough to feel like he's a threat. His narration is beautifully written, and I like his voice. He gives off a very "I could be this guy, and I'm not sure how I feel about that" perception to me, and I enjoyed it, while feeling it unsettle me at the same time.
I won't say much about Akashi since I don't feel I read enough to give a valuable insight into him, but I will say that he feels very complex to me. It's clear he cares about Tetsuya for reasons that he's hiding, and I like that duality of exploration—it gives you a lot of room to play with a Prince who is equally putting all of his faith into a Dancer, while also having to put that same Dancer in danger.
World
The world is excellent. I love the way the descriptions bring it to life. From the religion to the way the Kingdoms and their respective Princes all have intrigue and backstories, I can easily tell you have spent a lot of time on this, and I appreciate it. The descriptions throughout the text gave me enough information to keep reading while also making me curious to learn more. You have written this story in a way that forces a reader to learn as they go along, which lends nicely to the sense of unease and growing tension the first chapters are building. The story doesn't spend too much time on exposition—instead, it gives the term and allows you to unravel what it is as the plot progresses. There's a nice balance there, and I never felt like I was entirely lost without knowing what was happening.
I was fully immersed while reading due to the sensory descriptions and Tetsuya's inner voice. Both of these aspects are something I really enjoyed.
It's clear to me that you've got a good story on your hands. I'm not sure how close you are to finishing it, but I look forward to seeing it be completed. I would suggest that if you take anything away from this review, that you have a strong story concept and that the specifics of what need to be tweaked will likely come to light once that work in progress is complete.
General Thoughts I Had While Reading
Chapter One:
I like that we start off with a character stressing about something. I already want to know why.
The two first names are a tad confusing for me as a reader. Who are they? Who is speaking? This is something that could be made a bit more clear.
Every girl has the same name? Oh, wow, that's interesting, though it is making me feel a bit torn. She seems to be equally treated like something more than human and also less than.
Tetsuya slipping from the room says a lot about his character in the story — he leaves before he gets the chance to be very present, kind of like he's a phantom.
Chapter Two:
I really enjoy the beginning. It's drawing me into the scene.
Ooh, some tension there with there being only one person to refer to him by his first name.
I like that "dancing" returns in the description here. It feels meaningful.
Ooh, we get a little hint to his rank with "remember his place" — very nice. Says it without directly telling us.
The writing so far has a very mysterious quality to it. I like it.
The king's having so much power makes sense, and still manages to feel foreboding to me somehow.
There's a lot of intrigue here already too. Nice!
Chapter Three:
Ooh, white for grieving? Great way to throw in world building while also giving a description of what Ogiwara is wearing. I also feel like Tetsuya seeing gray as white is somewhat symbolic too; I think he's lying to himself in a sense. Great layers of character happening here.
I definitely believe that Tetsuya has an ability to make himself useful. I definitely see that coming through from the first chapter.
Ooh, I like the differences in religion.
There's some really nice sensory description at the end of this chapter with the rustle of the leaves.
Chapter Four:
The friendship between Tetsuya and Ogiwara is really sweet. I like that Tetsuya knows when Ogiwara is lying. It shows how close they are, and it makes me wonder if the inverse is also true.
Ooh, the contrast again!! Because Tetsuya is so good at blending in, it makes the Crown Prince notice him — really cool stuff happening here. It's a dichotomy. He is both not noticed and then noticed. Simultaneously there and not.
Chapter Five:
Tetsuya certainly avoids the guards easily. Consider maybe having him take a glance down to see what the guards are doing? I know and comprehend by this point in this story that he's incredibly good at hiding in plain sight. I just think it would be good to have him establish that he's well aware of where the guards are, in relation to him. Are the guards totally distracted? Or are they looking directly at him without seeing him? These are two totally different vibes. I'm picturing the latter because I think it's admittedly cooler (and it speaks more to Tetsuya's sneaking skills), but I'm not actually sure.
"He mentally thanks the grasses" — this made me smile. Cute!
I think it's interesting that Tetsuya is the one to keep saying My apologies while the literal Prince says I'm sorry. It's almost like the fancy apology means nothing and the Prince knows this—I get the sense he's actually apologizing while Tetsuya is not really apologetic.
I think I'm stopping here. I have no real reason other than a purely subjective one, which I may mention in another section if I can figure out how to explain it. But I just find myself losing track of what's happening and reading the same passages again, even though I do like the story and what's happening.
Other thoughts for your consideration
Chapter One:
I like your first line a lot. In the rest of the paragraph, I think you could do with removing words.
You've written, Short gasps of breath start to come out of her mouth. Her chest is heaving up and down, and for a brief moment, her eyes tightly shut.
I get what the description is going for, however, I don't think you need some words which could give you a stronger description.
Here's my suggestion (which is merely that): Short gasps of breath escape from her. Her chest is heaving, and for a brief moment, her eyes squeeze shut.
From her mouth is implied, since that's the only place a gasp would come from (unless these are aliens). Up and down is also implied from the word heaving, since it means rising and falling. Tightly could be replaced for a stronger verb, and while I've left in the is, it makes the sentence passive. I understand from rereading that Tetsuya is supposed to be passive in this chapter, and that's the point of his character—however, having the first sentence, then this bit and the following sentence afterward all contain passive verbs feels like too much. The first line tells me we're watching the new Dancer from a distance, so after establishing that from the jump as you have, we can then zoom in. I understand from the rest of Tetsuya's actions (inactions) that he's a passive guy, so if you wanted to, you could sacrifice this single instance in favour of active voice to better draw us into the scene.
Barely older than him, maybe for a few months — this feels like it should by a few months.
Chapter Two:
in the sentence, "The military wants to get rid of them," Akashi says casually, as if they were simply discussing their day, I don't think you need casually as the rest of the sentence establishes the same thing. The as if packs a better punch without it.
Chapter Three:
In the second half of this chapter, Tetsuya is referred to as Kuroko. While rereading, I realized this was actually because the POV had shifted. This is fine as a way to tell us that we're no longer following Tetsuya's thoughts, however, because Ogiwara is also now referred to by his other name, I no longer have a reference for both characters until the narration refers to Tetsuya as Kuroko Tetsuya (and then Tetsuya calls his brother "Ogiwara" in dialogue). In huge fantasy casts, if I see a new name I don't recognize, I assume we're following a completely different character, until I realize we're not and I have to backtrack. All of this is a bit confusing, and it seems unnecessary only because it is followed by the line "Where his brother had been before" which is trying to tell us that Kuroko and Tetsuya are the same person, which we do understand in a bit, though not because of this line. There's some very easy mitigation that could be done in the line that comes before it, so that we are immediately grounded upon the POV shift.
"What was that for?" Ogiwara Shigehiro asks as he turns his attention (I don't think you need back, but that's an aside) to Kuroko. Now the names are connected. We understand we have shifted from Tetsuya to Shigehiro (from here on, the narration can continue on with just saying "Shigehiro" because we no longer need to establish who he is), then the following line Where his brother... makes more sense because it's informing us of the fact that we're now doing a sort of literary shot-reverse-shot, where we started out with Tetsuya and now we're seeing the reverse from Ogiwara's perspective.
Chapter Four:
In the sentence, It's so peaceful, yet it only adds to Tetsuya's already overwhelming feelings of anxiety, I think his internal feelings could be described a tad more. Does it give him a pinch in his stomach? Does he do something physical that could show us this?
The contrast between his feelings and the setting is excellent though. I feel it would hit more if we had that punch of understanding, rather than being told.
Chapter Five:
Minor — in this sentence, "Tetsuya then ties his hair whilst still on the move," I don't think you need then. We know he proceeds to the next action because it's the next thing he does in the story. Trust your readers.
By that same token, I don't think you need that next sentence, Because of his primary duty as a Dancer, he is used to multitasking. It feels to me like superfluous repetition. It was only a few chapters ago that we learned he was a Dancer, so we remember. If you want to show us he's good at multitasking, you already have by saying he ties his hair while he's walking, so the job of showing us this information is already done. There's no need to also tell us the same thing, if that makes sense.
In close succession, you have perfect for muffling his footsteps followed by help to dampen his steps — I don't think you need both.
I hope my thoughts are (somewhat) helpful to you.
Let me know what you think (: