I'm standing on the Embankment Bridge watching the river. London, my London, there is really nothing like it. Summer is on the way and the water gives the telltale twinkle of all the diamonds that dwell underneath and shoot across the water flirting like a cluster of beautiful girls.
A lot has changed since Todd has fostered me. He has given me warmth, love, and stability and now here I am, 'almost' an adult with a growing mission to give something back or help someone, but who what where, or why, I haven't a clue.
Old man Todd sadly passed away from lung cancer. It didn't really surprise me as he smoked like a chimney. His daughter Benita, (my sister) has offered me a full-time job in the Bakery but so far I've resigned myself to shifts as I'm not sure that a steady Eddie life is for me.
My life is just opening up and I plan on staying at Todd's house until I can afford a flat, but flats need money so unless a miracle happens, a full-time job at the bakery is looming.
I feel guilty and a little ungrateful, but my dreams are still there only they seem to be moving further away with each passing year. They taunt me, dangling like a glittery present, tantalizing but way out of my price range.
I've always looked forward to being older deep down but now that it's happening, it well and truly sucks. Aging is a huge slap in the face, a little wrinkle here and there, what's next...grey hairs! God how right Lulu was all those years ago. My eyes mist up at the thought of my friend and the terrible way her life ended. 'What would Lulu do...'
I laugh out loud. No brainer! Lulu would be right back on the streets of Soho pounding the pavement for all it was worth. One thing for sure is that I've got no intention of doing that. I often think about those girls and wonder how they feel each day realizing that their future is now staring them in the face, nowhere to run, and no hiding place. Now always arrives and it never goes anywhere.
I walk towards Soho with my bag slung over my shoulder and a satisfied smile. The river has done its job and blown the fragments of my dad's latest letter away. I smile grimly, he's persistent I'll give him that. Without fail 2 letters every week. How on earth he knew where to find me was beyond mystifying. Maybe prison therapists or social services had instigated it as some weird kind of therapy...or maybe he just used his contacts and asked around. I'm well aware that in prison anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Whatever the reason, the letters never deviate from his love for me and his sadness that we can't be together, and how he'd love me to visit. I always read them, before tearing them into four pieces and allowing the wind to suck them away.
Despite his awful crimes, a part of me misses the idea of having a Dad. A real life, there Dad, I know it's messed up but I can't help it, the longing never goes away. Todd had been amazing. The best pretend Dad ever and his death has left a huge hole. My sister Benita is great, we are as close as can be but just lately I've got a strong urge to spread my wings and fly, but I have to work out what that actually looks like.
London carries on regardless and so will I.
Arriving in Soho I stop and breathe in the air, home, dirty, unkind, and dangerous but to me, it will always be home. The stall holders at the market wave as I make my way to the bakery.
"Off to the office Kiz?"
I laugh and wag a finger, "It's Melissa now remember?"
One of them titters, "You'll always be Kiz to us babe."
He has a point there!
I stroll into the bakery and wave to Benita.
"You're late, been waiting to go on my break you know."
'God she's in a mood.'
I hurry behind the counter and throw off my jacket then twist my hair into a messy knot.
"Sorry I'm here now, anything I should know?"
Benita shakes her head, "Naa, fairly quiet so far. If you're hungry go help yourself."
She then shakes out her long black hair and the curls ping to frame her face. She seems somewhat distracted and I wonder if she's got a guy on the quiet. It sure isn't like her to be so secretive.
I smile as a steady stream of customers arrives, inside I sigh certain that this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I stare out of the window watching the world float by and think how much I miss it, all the excitement, the challenge of the missions, and dreamy ambitions. I know the shop doesn't mean an end to any ambition but I seem to have lost any drive and motivation. All that is left is blah, I think about dreams but they don't seem to want to progress more than that and it hurts my soul.
I wipe down some shelves and replenish the pastries, turning my back to the door and shoving a whole donut into my mouth. My mind drifts back to the Donut punter and I smile wistfully, at least now Donuts are for consumption!
The council is on a mission to clean up Soho. Some of the private clubs have closed and have been replaced by yuppie wine bars. It's like someone has wiped away the darkness and replaced it with magnolia which is not to everyone's taste.
A customer bangs on the counter, "Excuse me can I get some service here!"
I smile resentfully. "Can I help you?" I make sure I over-emphasize the 'help'. Inwardly I chuckle thinking how disapproving Todd would have been.
"I want 2 of those, 1 of those, 3 of those, oh, and 6 cokes." He hesitates rolling his eyes, watching me scramble to remember the order. "Do you think you've got all that?"
Because of his shitty attitude, I shove most of the order into 2 small bags.
"Carrier bag?"
"Sorry, we're all out," I say sweetly.
He slams out of the shop muttering and I exhale flopping over the counter, 'Why is life so boring.' I check my watch, it won't be too long until Benita's back then I'm out of here.