Warning(s): Swearing, smoking, mentions of underage drinking, intoxication & panic attack
------------
Anika saw you check your phone for the millionth time that night. "Come on, this is supposed to be a movie night. Not 'check your phone a million times' night," Anika spoke up. You faced your phone back down.
"Sorry," you mumbled. Anika looked over at you then back at the TV before speaking again. "Who has you so anxious?" She asked and you rolled your eyes.
"No one," you say in a dry tone before grabbing the popcorn bowl and shoving a handful in your mouth. Your roommate let out a doubtful hum before turning her attention back to the TV.
Your right leg began to bounce as your thoughts once again led you to an overthinking spiral. It didn't take long for you to think of the worst. You didn't want Tara to never talk to you again. As much as you hated to admit it; along the way you started to enjoy Tara's company.
There were times where she could brighten your mood when no one else could. Tara may not have known, but the weekend you were in Brooklyn you were having a panic attack when she messaged you.
Texting back and forth with Tara seemed to eventually calm you down. You would never forget that moment, and although the younger Carpenter had no idea how much she had helped you, you knew.
"If you bounce your leg any harder you'll put a hole through the floor," Anika remarked, pulling you from your memories. "Sorry," you muttered back.
"Don't be...what's got you like this huh?" You start to play with your fingers. You sighed, debating whether or not you wanted to open up to Anika.
"It's just that– girl from before still hasn't talked to me and I guess you were right; it's a hundred percent getting to me."
Anika raised her eyebrows at you before responding,"She really must be if you're admitting you were wrong. Have you tried confronting her about it?"
You let out a frustrated huff. "She always swerves away from me. I sent a text but I don't wanna seem desperate." You looked at Anika to see her giving you a deadpan look. "What?" You asked, feeling clueless.
She sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose before answering. "Okay, listen up. I know you have never been a bright communicator, but come on. Only sending one text? At this point you might as well just corner her if you refuse to send her no more than that," she chuckled dryly.
You sat there, genuinely considering that as an option. Anika watched as you thought about it and started to shake her head at you. "Y/N...no. I didn't mean to literally corner her."
"Fine."
—
You patted your hands dry in the restaurant's restroom. You looked in the mirror—making sure you were put together before walking out—but then suddenly saw a familiar face in your reflection. It was only for a moment but in that single moment you felt your breathing grow ragged, heart racing and stood frozen. You tightly gripped the counter, closing your eyes and murmuring to yourself.
"He's not here. He's not here. He's not here. It's all in your head. It's all in your hea—"
"Y/N?" You heard. You exhaled and turned to face the voice.
No, no, no, no...Why is she here?
"Tara." You replied, you were on the brink of tears as you tried to control your breathing. She quickly noticed the state you were in and carefully walked up to you. You took one step back, moving away from her. She looked at you again before gently placing a hand on your bicep.
"Y/N, are you okay?" Tara asked you in a gentle voice.
"Fine." You murmured before quickly walking out of the bathroom. You ignored the worried glances you received from Henry and Anika, walking outside and leaning against a pillar.
You tried everything; you closed your eyes and focused on your breathing, you counted, and even tried the three three three rule. But nothing was working. You felt your right hand creep up your chest as it subconsciously gripped it. Your knees felt weak, as if they would buckle from under you.
You fumbled in your pocket for a cigarette and lighter. You held the smoked cigarette to your lips, breathing it in and out. Your free hand's fingers anxiously tapped on your thigh as you smoked. You felt like the world would collapse from beneath you, nothing to catch or save you. You started going down another spiral when suddenly you heard someone.
"Hey..." You looked to your left to see Tara once again.
"I swear I didn't know you were gonna be here. Sam and I just decided to eat out since it's not everyday she gets off from both jobs." Tara said, moving to lean beside you.
"That's nice," you replied, putting out your cigarette and throwing it.
"Yeah...it is." Tara smiled to herself as she said that. "Are you doing a little better now?" She asked you with a light nudge to your shoulder as she looked up at you.
"I guess." Was all you answered with. Tara slightly nodded, before looking back ahead.
After a couple minutes of silence, you finally spoke up. "Why've you been ignoring me?" You asked without looking at her, your voice quiet. You looked down at your shoes, both hands in your pockets.
"I haven't been..." Tara trailed off. She knew she was. She was fully aware of it. But, she wasn't ready to tell you why.
"Yeah...okay," you sighed, lifting yourself up from the pillar.
"See you around, Carpenter." You made your way back into the restaurant. Tara stayed outside a little longer before going back to her own table.
You both glanced at each other from across the room while the other wasn't looking.
—
You sat on the random couch while wearing a grumpy expression. Henry had, once again, dragged you to another party. The place was too crowded, sweat was everywhere, the burning smell of the alcohol was stronger than usual—to you at least—and Henry had gone off to God knows where. You just wanted out of this frat house.
The only thing keeping you sane was the company of Anika and Mindy. You didn't talk to Mindy much in high school but she seemed cool. Anika and her were discussing couples costumes for halloween when suddenly you heard your name.
"What do you think, Y/N?" Your roommate asked as she sat in her girlfriend's lap on the love seat beside you.
"What do I think about what?"
"You think we could rock a zombie bride and groom for a couples costume this year?" Mindy asked for Anika.
"Yeah, you'd guys be awesome for that," you answered in a monotone voice. You didn't look at them as you spoke, staring off at a random spot in the room. Suddenly your eyes caught something that made your breath catch in your throat.
"Y/N? What's the matter?" Anika asked. Mindy also furrowed her eyebrows at you, but then all their answers were answered when they followed your eye line.
There Chad was with his tongue down Tara's throat.
There was no reason to have cared as much as you did. There was no reason the pain in your chest should be growing. There's no reason for this to hit you as hard as it did. You and Tara weren't dating, you didn't like her—no, you didn't. You couldn't. You were just caught off guard. Yeah, that's it. You never thought about Chad and Tara together so you're just in some form of shock.
What about the chest pain? The feeling of your heart being ripped out–
Heartburn.
It was just heartburn, that was all it was. Nothing more, nothing less.
Suddenly you felt a hand touch your arm. You lightly flinch before looking to your left, seeing it was Anika. Why did they both look at you with such pity?
"Hey, how about we call it a night, yeah?" You nodded.
After Mindy and Anika kissed each other goodbye, you two started to make your way out before a thought told you to reach into your pocket. Empty.
"I think my phone slipped out of my pocket while I was sitting on the couch," You told Anika and she waited in the car as you went inside to get it.
By the time you got back to the couch somebody was already sitting, and of course it had to be Tara. "Looking for this?" she smugly asked, pulling out your phone and showing it to you.
You let out a sigh of relief before trying to reach for your phone, but the minute you almost grab it, Tara pulls it back behind her back.
"Tara, not right now." You really weren't in the mood for this.
You sighed as you saw multiple stains on her shirt. "Someone's in a mood," she remarked, still looking up at you with a smile you couldn't quite read.
"I'm not—" you sighed again, "—you have stains all over your shirt by the way. You're a complete mess right now," you murmured the last part, sitting down next to her trying to reach for your phone behind her but she's quick. She pulls away again without thinking before responding.
"You know you pronounce your R's in a funny way? Like, you say stuff like shirts and shorts but when you say them they sound the exact same. And then it's, like, which one is it?" Tara rambled on.
You sat there, silently listening to every single word. You couldn't help the slight smile that grazed your face. It was nice hearing her voice again after so long.
"Then I remembered you're from Brooklyn, and you know what that means?"
"No, tell me," you said, wanting to hear her ramble for a little longer.
"Brooklyn accent. So, that's why you do that cute thing with your R's!" You suddenly felt heat rush to your cheeks. Cute? Tara had used you and cute in the same sentence. She is completely plastered.
"Tara! Ethan and I are gonna play beer pong!" You both looked over to see Chad calling from the other side of the room.
You looked back at Tara, "I should go. See you, princess." You got up, but suddenly felt a hand gently grasp your wrist. You looked down at her as you stood. She opened her mouth for a couple seconds before shutting it.
"You probably need this," Tara pulled out your phone and placed it in your hand for you. The amount of contact she was giving you caused a flutter in your chest.
"I'm probably gonna head home," she slurred. You bit the inside of your cheek as you grew concerned about her going home on her own in the state she was in.
"Mindy said you drove with Chad?"
"Mm, yeah. He doesn't mind me driving myself home though. He said he'd—" she hiccupped, "—get a ride with Ethan."
"Well I do mind. You're too drunk to drive Tara." She just stared up at you as you spoke. "You can stay over," you lightly sighed as you offered your hand to her.
Tara bit her lip as she continued to stare up at you, but after a beat of silence she took your hand—not without tripping, causing her to fall into your arms.
"You okay?" You asked in a soft voice, and she simply nodded her head as she continued to look at you.
Tara had so much to tell you, but she stopped herself before she could.
You both walked out to your car—Tara clinging on to your arm as she walked like she had two left feet. You never thought Tara Carpenter could be any more clumsy than she already was, but here you were.
You opened the car door, "Sorry that it took so long."
"I see you didn't just bring back your phone," Anika remarked, not hiding her knowing look. You strapped Tara in the backseat, making sure she was comfortable, before going to the driver's seat.
"She's too drunk to be her own ride, so I offered," you responded. You gave Tara one last glance from the rear view mirror—which didn't go unnoticed by Anika—to see that Tara was already passed out. You started to pull out and made your way to your apartment. There wasn't much talking on the ride over. The only sound coming from the car was the music, but even that was put at a low volume. You tried your best to avoid the holes so Tara could sleep fine. You cursed your government for not using your taxes to fill holes with more cement.
By the time you got to your apartment Tara was still sound asleep. You told Anika she could get a head start and that you would catch up with her. After she left you got out of our seat and walked around your car to open the door to Tara's seat. You placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.
"Tara...we're here," you whispered in a soft tone. Tara only shuffled slightly but never opened her eyes. You lightly squeezed her shoulder, "Come on. We're here..."
You slightly shook your head.
"...You're so lucky I live on the second floor." You scooped her up and she subconsciously nuzzled her head in the nook of your neck. You carried her up the apartment stairs, and once you got to the door you knocked with your head—since your hands were obviously full at the moment.
That night, you didn't mind sleeping on the couch.
—
Tara woke up with a pounding headache, causing her to groan as she slowly sat up. She rubbed her eyes, yawning. Suddenly everything came crashing down on her like a tidal wave.
"Shit shit shit," she looked around for her phone. She couldn't believe how stupid she was. Sam was going to kill her for sure—if she was actually home? Yeah...she's going to kill her for sure.
It didn't take long for her to realize where she was. "Fuck, not again," she groaned into her hands.
If Tara had a nickel for everytime she woke up in your bed she would have two nickels—which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice. Before she could retrace her steps there were two knocks on the door.
"Come in," She said and you opened the door slightly, peaking your head before fully coming inside.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"I see you've, uh, woken up." You awkwardly stood with your arms crossed.
"Yeah..."
Tara turned her head, closing her eyes and letting out an inaudible sigh before turning back to look at you. "Listen, I'm sorry this is, like, the second time. You shouldn't have to take care of me while I'm shitfaced."
You slightly pouted out your bottom lip, faintly shaking your head and waving her off.
"No problem."
After a moment you finally break the awkward silence, "Why do you do this?"
"What?"
"This? Go out to parties so often, and have drink after drink?" Tara furrowed her eyebrows at you, not understanding where you were going with this.
"What do you mean by that?" She asked, feeling offended by the question.
"I just mean, don't you get tired of it?"
Tara let out a faint scoff, "I like my life, thank you very much." She now sat up a little straighter as she looked at you from where you stood.
"I didn't mean it like that. Come on, Tara—you know that."
"No, I don't actually," Tara got up from your bed, making her way to the door. She reached for the handle but you blocked it.
"Stop it, Y/N."
"No, you stop it. What's your problem, Carpenter? You really think I wouldn't notice you ignoring me?"
Tara opened her mouth to speak but you quickly cut her off. "You even changed your seat in history. How is that nothing?" You hated how vulnerable you felt right now. The hurt was noticeable in your voice.
"I– I just need space..." Tara sighed, running her hands down her space.
"What—why? ...Did I do something?" You asked, feeling yourself grow smaller as she looked back at you.
Tara saw you staring down at her like a lost puppy. She hated what that was doing to her. She hated how you were able to make her feel things so easily.
"No! No, I just need space, okay? Not everything's about you!" Her raised voice caused you to flinch and take a step back; Tara hated herself at that moment.
"Okay," you replied in a quiet voice.
"Y/N I didn't—"
"If you need anything, Anika's up."
Before Tara could say anything, you were gone.
—
You knew very little about the person who now sat where Tara previously did. Tara either paid her to switch or the woman really just didn't mind. You haven't introduced yourself to her yet.
You heard her name being called once; Charlotte. You were too stubborn to actually ask her for her name. It didn't take long for Charlotte to pick up on your silence. Truth be told she noticed you in class before. So when Tara approached her about a seat change, she asked no further questions and agreed.
"Hey," Charlotte finally spoke up one class. "I'm Charlotte, by the way." You turned your head slightly to look at her. There was no denying her beauty.
"Y/N," you simply responded before turning back to your notes. Charlotte turned back to her own work while she mustered her next words.
"So, you're not much of a talker huh," she nervously chuckled. You looked at her from the corner of your eye before averting your stare back to your notes. "I guess," you murmured.
Throughout class you resisted looking back at Tara, and occasionally Charlotte would miss something so she would politely ask you for your notes, which you then would silently turn your papers for her to see.
You kept your head down and didn't meet her gaze as you did this, but if you did you would have seen her warm smile; in a way you felt it.
After class you heard footsteps running up to you. You turned around to see Charlotte. "I just wanted to thank you for the notes," she told you.
You spared a faint smile before responding, "No problem." You watched as she took out a little piece of paper and handed it to you. When you took it you could see numbers written on it.
"I'd love to thank you over a cup of coffee or even dinner or something. That's my number, so you can call or text whenever you want." You lightly nodded at her as you looked at the paper.
"See you around, Y/N," she smiled at you again before taking off.
"What do we have here?" The voice causes you to jump a bit, before rolling your eyes when you see the culprit.
"Geez, Anika. Quit sneakin' up on my like that," you sighed as you two started walking.
"Maybe if you were more self aware, you would notice your friend being right next to you," Anika commented.
"Whatever."
"Anyways, who was that?"
"Just some chick from my history class," you said in a nonchalant manner.
"Does she happen to have your...interest?" She asked you with a quirked up eyebrow.
You thought for a second before answering. "I guess."
" 'I guess'? Gee. How descriptive." Anika remarked sarcastically. You rolled your eyes at her, adjusting the strap of your bag.
"I don't know, okay? I'm still figuring some shit out, but maybe I do." You shrugged, you and Anika taking a turn.
"By 'figuring shit out' do you mean, Tara?" She asked knowingly. That made you do a double take at your roommate.
"That's ridiculous," you scoffed dramatically.
"You know I overheard that argument you two had, right?"
"I don't know exactly what you heard but it's not what you think," you sighed, eyes looking everywhere but Anika. You hated when she was right.
"Really? Cause' it seems like she's the girl that has you so worked up."
"Stop it." You said with annoyance in your tone, growing slightly flustered from being called out.
—
You sat at the seat across from Charlotte . You both eventually had decided to go out on Friday night for dinner. You figured it wouldn't hurt to take up her offer. So, that's where you were; sitting in a diner with her across from you.
Your hands rested on your lap as you listened to her speak. She had cinnamon skin, gorgeous hair and dark brown eyes. You couldn't help but admire dark brown eyes; they were so easy to drown in.
"So, enough about me. What about you?" She suddenly asked.
"What about me?" You echoed, taking a sip of your milkshake.
"I want to get to know you. Right now you're just the quiet girl who I sit next to in history, and cute at that," she winked at you.
You lightly blushed at the compliment before replying. "I don't really know what to say. Mind giving me some starter questions?"
"Okay, you got any siblings?"
"Yup. Two brothers, Stephen and Oliver."
"You like them?"
"Tolerate' em."
She let out a giggle before continuing. "Are you the oldest or youngest?"
"I'm in the middle, actually. Oliver's the oldest and Stephen's the youngest."
You soon found out she had two sisters and two brothers, both her parents were doctors, and her favorite color's purple. As the night went on you two found out a little more about one another. It was nice just talking. You weren't sure if this was a date but the thought hung around in your head.
Would it be so bad if it was?
You walked the city's streets with Charlotte, your jacket hung from your arm as she hugged her own closely.
"This was really nice, I'd love to do it again sometime," She spoke up.
You looked at her then back at the ground, a small smile starting to graze your face.
"Yeah...that'd be nice," You said genuinely, before she stopped at an apartment building.
"Well, this is me."
"I'll see you around?"
"Of course," she smiled at you, placing a kiss on your cheek.
"Goodnight, Y/N," she said before leaving.
You stood there, slightly stunned from the kiss. It was no secret that it had been a while since you've been in a genuine relationship.
Maybe—just maybe, Charlotte could be the one to change that.
—
The next day you went to work your shift. You passed the time like you usually did; if you weren't serving customers you had music in your ears and cleaning counters that you've already wiped down a hundred times before that same day.
The bell above the door rings, but you don't look up as you say, "Welcome to The Coffee Club." Your voice was monotone.
The person stopped in their tracks as soon as they saw you. It wasn't until they were shoved to the counter by someone beside them that you looked up.
You opened your mouth as you lifted your head, but quickly shut it as soon you saw the person.
"Oh. It's you." Your voice wasn't laced with bitterness or rudeness, just a slight shock from seeing her here. If your voice was not a give away of that then your expression definitely was. Your eyes were widened a bit, your eyebrows were raised and you almost looked...flushed?
"Uh, what can I get you?" You asked, clearing your throat and trying to sound unfazed by her presence.
"Um, just a..." Tara trailed off as she suddenly forgot what she came here for. Mindy looked between you two.
"Hot chocolate?" You finished for Tara. All Tara could do was nod at you.
"And I'll have a hot coffee; milk and sugar please," Mindy spoke up, breaking whatever staring contest you and Tara had going on.
"I'll, uh, get on that right now." You put your pen behind your ear. Tara and Mindy sat at a table nearby as you prepared their orders.
"What was that?"
Tara groaned at her friend, holding her face with her hands. "I don't know. I had completely forgotten she works here most days," she answered, her voice coming out slightly muffled due to her hand still covering her face.
"You're still giving her the silent treatment, aren't you?" Mindy asked even though she already knew the answer.
"Well, I uh...kind of made it worse..."
"How?" Mindy asked, slightly dragging out the H while furrowing her eyebrows.
"We had a bit of an argument last week," Tara answered, the memories of that morning painfully flashing through her mind.
"About what?"
"I snapped at her over something really stupid, and—God I can't stop thinking about her face when I did that." Tara let out a breath she didn't even realize she was holding in.
"By snapped, what do you mean, like, you yelled at her or something?" Tara sighed and nodded, looking away—feeling ashamed of herself.
"I think you two just need to talk, for real this time."
"I don't want to—" She inhaled, looking down at her hands.
"Don't want to what?"
"Hurt her again..." Tara answered in a quiet voice.
"Tar, listen to me, you're one of the best people I know, and you can be gentle when you want to be. Just be you," Mindy told her honestly.
"Maybe when you two finally make up you can make that dream you had a reality and make out already—"
"Mindy!"
Before Tara could say anything else, you walked up to the table with their drinks.
"One hot coffee with milk and sugar, and a hot chocolate," you repeated their order. Mindy said thank you, and so did Tara—not without Mindy kicking her under the table to do so—before taking a sip of the steaming hot drink.
The mug covered her eye line, so she didn't see you sneak a Strawberry donut with sprinkles—or as she likes to call it, a Homer Simpson donut—in front of her. By the time she did notice you were already gone.
You had a habit of disappearing without saying goodbye.
When Mindy and Tara finished, they made their way back to the apartment. They walked into the apartment to find Chad and Ethan playing Resident Evil four.
"You're still playing this game?" Tara inquired, pulling off her jacket and throwing it somewhere. Mindy let out a slight chuckle before making her way to the kitchen.
"All. Fucking. Day." Sam replied, coming into the living room.
"I don't blame them. Have you seen Ada?"
"They haven't gotten up in seven hours."
"I got it," was all Tara said, before walking away.
Five seconds later she came back with a spray bottle.
—
The doorbell rings, interrupting you mid sentence as you were on the phone with Anika.
"Hey, I gotta go. Talk to ya later?" You said your goodbyes to each other before walking up to the door. You weren't sure who could be visiting but whoever it was was growing impatient.
"Alright, alright! I'm coming," you called out, walking up to the door.
You finally unlocked and opened it to—unexpectedly—Tara. This took you by surprise which was evident from your expression. There wasn't much to go off from but Tara's known you long enough to read even your littlest details.
"Hi."
"Hi." There was a beat of awkward silence before Tara finally spoke up again.
"Can I come in? I need to talk to you," she told you. You responded by opening the door wider, letting her inside the apartment.
Her eyes wandered around the room before landing them back on you. You quickly averted your gaze, realizing you have been staring at the younger Carpenter a little too long.
"Been a while since I've been here," Tara said, sitting down on the couch.
You let out a dry chuckle before responding. "You're telling me..."
Tara noticed you were still standing, choosing to lean against the wall rather than sit near her. Just then, she remembered why she came here.
"So, what do you want?" You asked unkindly.
Tara took a second to muster what she wanted to say. She didn't want to mess this up. She didn't want to say the wrong thing this time.
She didn't want to hurt you again.
"I'm sorry."
"What?" You raised an eyebrow, not expecting an apology.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you, and I'm sorry for blatantly avoiding you for the past few weeks," she said in one breath.
"Wait—I wasn't expecting an apology. I thought you were gonna yell at me again or something," you poorly joked with a dry chuckle.
"That wasn't my best moment," she said with shame in her voice. She could never forget your face that morning or how you backed away from her as if she would hurt you.
You looked down at your shoes, considering Tara's words. You should get your revenge—make her pay for the past few weeks. But instead you decided against it, for whatever reason, you decided against it. Maybe it was her voice as she spoke, maybe it was the bags under her eyes, or maybe it was just simply her. Whatever it was, it caused you to let her off easy.
"I'll accept your apology on one condition."
"Anything," Tara replied, a little too quickly.
"Stop avoiding me," you said in a softer voice, and you slowly began to take the seat beside her.
"Deal," Tara promised, looking at you.
"Pinky swear?" You held up your pinky, for her take.
Tara couldn't help the smile that grew as she took your pink in hers.
"Pinky swear."
"Now that you're not avoiding me anymore, you wanna go over last class's notes?" Already moving on as if she hadn't been giving her the silent treatment for the past for weeks, and you weren't still curious as to why.
Your pinkies unlocked, Tara missing the contact.
"Well, you know how much I looove doing that," Tara sarcastically answered.
"Ha. Ha." You got up from the couch, "I'm gonna go get my binder. Give me like two seconds." You said before rushing away to your room like a child who was having a playdate, rushing off to grab a toy for you and your friend to play with.
Tara couldn't stop smiling to herself at the sight of you. It had been far too long since she's seen you one on one like this. She hated to admit it but she missed you more than she realized. Now that she was thinking about it, she missed a lot of things about you; your smile, your voice, your humor, how you lit up a room with just your presence, even that fuzzy feeling you gave her.
Oh.
Oh, Mindy was right. Tara had somehow found herself crushing on you.
"Fuck."