Mackenzie's POV
Pagkagising ko ay ramdam ko na kaagad ang pamamaga ng mata ko and Kai is still asleep beside me.
Pagtingin ko sa wall clock it's only 4:30 AM. I didn't even get to sleep until it was 3 AM. Eto na naman kami sa pahirapan matulog.
Dahan-dahan akong bumangon at dumiretso sa CR para kumuha ng pang-cold compress sa mga mata ko. I wouldn't want Kai seeing me like this in the morning.
When I was in the kitchen getting ice, nagising si Kai at sumunod sa akin.
"Gabi na ba, Mahal?" Gulat niyang tanong and I smiled because of how cute she is.
"It's 4AM. Nagising lang ako sa sakit ng ulo ko. Go back to sleep," mahina kong sabi sa kanya pero umiling naman siya at kinuha ang ice pack sa kamay ko.
"Ako na, upo ka na lang don," sabi niya and I nodded dahil alam ko naman na hindi rin siya papayag na ako ang kumilos para sa sarili ko.
Nagpunta ako sa kwarto at kinuha ang kumot at unan namin ni Kai para dalhin sa living room.
"You want me to sleep here?" Sabi niya habang nakatingin sa sofa and I immediately shook my head.
"Let's sleep here," nakangiti kong sabi at nawala naman ang takot sa mata niya.
"You think I'll make you sleep on the couch?" Natatawa kong sabi sa kanya and she managed to let out a giggle.
"I would if you want me to, that's what I deserve for shouting so much," sabi niya at inabot na sa akin ang ice pack.
"I'm sorry. I guess being in the studio really just triggered me of what happened in the past, so napuno lang ako kahapon," sabi ko and she nodded bago tumabi sa akin.
"I know. Me shouting didn't help you either. Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? You're still healing. It doesn't have to be linear. I know it's not fucking easy. I know how badly you're hurt. You're sitting there with a million question in your head, you're unable to sleep, you feel your body literally ache, and that's okay. It's not your fault. You don't blame yourself for someone's inability to love you the way you deserve to be loved, okay? Nothing's wrong with you. You're perfect. Tonight is the first time you've felt this way again, right?" She asked and I nodded.
"Last year, you were feeling like this everyday. Now it only got to happen once in a while. That's okay. Tonight is just like the other nights before. It'll be fucking terrible but you'll do what you have always done. You'll make it through tonight. You'll be fine. This time, you didn't have to be alone. I'm here. I got you."
"What if I can't get over it? What if I can't move on?" Tanong ko sa kanya and she smiled softly.
"Maybe you won't, Mahal. But that's okay. Maybe you won't get over it, but you'll know how to deal with it. You'll know what to do when it comes back haunting you again. Maybe you won't get over it but you'll know how to put it behind. How to adapt with it burning and hurting you in the very core of your heart. I know you'll figure out a way. I think that's better rather than forgetting, because you get to keep the lesson. The next time you see it coming, you'll know." Sabi niya pa and I smiled at her.
"I'm sorry, Kai. That I couldn't give you the purest of love that I know. I'm sorry that I came to you all shattered and broken. I know you don't deserve this, fixing me when I was broken by somebody else." Sabi ko and she shook her head.
"You're not broken. I just think you've been through enough. Too much that know, you don't know what to do with all of it and you don't know where to put it down. You're exhausted and in pain. I know na ang gusto mo lang gawin ngayon mawala, but here's the thing. You've been on this journey of wanting to be lost, what if what you really wanted was to be found? What if you're so focused of vanishing, you didn't notice that you're finally found? That someone can see you now. Your pain, your doubts and regrets, your monsters. I see it all. I see your joy, your life, your passion. I can see you, Kenzie. You're not a ghost to me. You're my person and I finally found you," she said which made me tear up.
"Tama na iyak muna, Mahal ko. Magang maga na mata mo oh. Hirap na hirap ako para sayo," pagmamakaawa niya sakin at hinalikan ang mata ko which made me laugh.
Na-conscious ako kasi for sure, maalat mata ko ngayon.
"Thank you for loving me. Even when I still taste like heartache and war. Thank you for not leaving me alone in the dark. You know, before I met you, sabi ko, hindi na ako magmamahal. Kasi hindi ko na kaya. But then one night, you came. You smiled at me, and there I knew, I blew my plan already. I told myself na I wouldn't fall in love with you, I promised. Kasi ayaw kong madamay ka sa gulo ko. But it was 3 AM we were laughing on the balcony and I felt happy for the first time in a long time. It gave me strength to somehow get my shit together just so that I could have you. Just so that I could have the tiniest feeling that I deserve you. You made me see that you are worth turning my life around. And for that, I will forever be grateful. Through ups and downs," I said smiling and this time, it was her turn to shed her tear.
"Through ups and downs," sabi niya while we made our pinky promise.
Matagal kaming natahimik dalawa but I didn't feel alone. It didn't feel lonely. Kahit na rinig na rinig ko ang tibok ng puso niya, it was very different from the silence that used to haunt me.
"Sleep," she said when she realized I was fighting my sleep.
"I'll be here to fight the demons that came to haunt you," sabi niya then kissed the top of my head before I finally slept like a baby.
-
I woke up by the smell of waffles and chocolates na kaagad nagpangiti sa akin.
"Mahaaaaaal," tawag ko sa kanya while putting my arms up signaling that I want some cuddles.
She came running to me and I was met with her tight hugs and kisses na lasang chocolates.
"Good morning," nakangiti kong bati sa kanya while my eyes are still closed and she giggled.
"It's almost lunch but I wanted some waffles. Gusto mo na ba mag-lunch?" Tanong niya kaagad and I opened my eyes to see her staring at me with a soft smile on her face.
"You're so pretty," nakangiti kong sabi sa kanya and she kissed my nose.
"Cutiepie. Brunch?" She asked and I nodded as I was sitting up.
"I want to help with waffles," masaya kong sabi then she smiled.
"Sige. Eat muna kahit isa lang nung naluto ko then you can help," sabi niya at magkayakap kaming naglakad papunta sa kitchen at isinubo niya pa ang waffles na gawa niya.
"I wish I could cook just like you. I really think the kitchen hates me," sabi ko sa kanya while eating her food with so much appreciation. It's so good!
"Is the chocolate Nutella? Ang sarap mahal!" Masaya kong sabi and she nodded proudly.
"I'm glad you love it. Is it a good morning?" She asked and I faced her with a big smile.
"Every morning with you is the best morning," I smiled at tumawa naman siya.
"Marunong ka na mang-uto ha," tumatawa naman niyang sabi.
"By the way, Mahal. Can you come with me later? I wanna get something tattooed." Sabi niya at lumiwanag namana ang mukha ko.
"Really?! Sure! Ano ipapalagay mo?" Excited kong tanong and she showed me Appa's letter to her last Christmas.
"Aw, Mahal. That's so sweet," I said touched and she smiled at me.
"Next time na natin ipalagay mukha mo," tumatawa niyang sabi and I laughed.
"Sige gusto ko sa noo ha. Tapos sa likod may malaking tattoo, "Property of Kenzie"," pagbibiro ko sa kanya at tinawanan naman niya ako.
"Ikaw? Do you want to have one?" Tanong niya at umiling ako.
"Wala pa akong gustong gusto ilagay eh. Baka next time. Or baka mamaya kapag nainggit ako sa'yo. We both know how impulsive I can be," tumatawa kong sabi at tumango naman siya.
"Need na rin pala natin groceries and drop off ng laundry. After tattoo na lang ba? Or before?" Tanong niya at sinubuan ako ng malaking piece.
Pano kaya ako sasagot nito sa kanya?
"Mahal? Ano sa tingin mo?" Tanong niya na naman.
Itinuro ko ang bibig ko para ipakitang ngumunguya pa ako.
"Why? Hindi ba masarap? Kapag hindi ka nagsalita in 3 seconds meaning hindi masarap," sabi niya pa sabay pout sa akin.
"Masarap!" Pilit kong sigaw kahit na may nagtatalsikan sa bibig ko at tawang tawa na naman siya sa pinaggagawa niya sa akin.
Inabutan niya ako ng iced coffee na ginawa niya at tinignan ko naman siya nang masama bago ito inumin.
"Ikaw nagiging salbahe ka sakin," kunwaring galit kong sabi at hinalikan naman niya ako sa pisngi.
"You're cute when you're pissed," she said at umisa pa ng halik.
"It's errands day!" Masaya kong sabi and she laughed.
I have always loved running errands with Kai. Maglinis ng condo, grocery, laundry, shopping for furnitures. All those errands that I used to hate because it made adulting more difficult, it became the things I've loved doing with her. It gives the sense and hope that I'm growing up with her and that we'll be old and grey together.
Naligo lang kami ni Kai pagkatapos ay inuna na namin ang grocery at ibang errands para after ng tattoo niya, makauwi na kami. Napapraning kasi ako baka mamaya ma-infect sa labas or masanggi sanggi habang nasa labas kami so I opted to do it last.
Idinaan muna namin ni Kai sa laundry shop ang mga damit namin pero si Kai ang nagbaba na. Nagalit pa nga sakin nung dapat tutulong ako sa kanya. Edi napirmi si bakla.
Dumaan muna kami ni Kai sa Macao Imperial bago kami nag-decide na mag-grocery dahil napakainit sa Pilipinas. Buti nga naka t-shirt lang din ngayon si Kai. Kung hindi tagaktak na siguro pawis ni Kamahalan.
"Mahal, smile!" Sabi ni Kai at ngumiti naman ako sa kanya.
Natapos na ako ngumiti pero patuloy pa rin siya sa pagkuha ng picture ko.
"Tama na po. No cameras, please," pagkukunwari ko at nanakbo ng bahagya.
Sinundan naman ako ni Kai habang nagpipicture pa rin kaya tinuloy ko ang pagtakbo at dahil isa't kalahating tanga ako at nasa wet area kami ng supermarket, siyempre halos pumlakda ako sa sahig kung hindi ako mahawakan ni Kai.
"Ayan kasi!"
"Ikaw kasi!" Sisi namin sa isa't isa at nagtawanan.
"Tama na, mamaya matuluyan ka dyan mabangasan ka pa," tumatawa niyang sabi at tumawa rin naman ako sa kanya.
"Mahal, try natin to," sabi ko sabay turo sa chicken karaage ng Purefoods at kinuha naman ito ni Kai.
"Feel mo masarap?" Tanong niya at umiling ako.
"Pero gusto ko pa rin i-try," sabi ko at tinawanan niya ako.
"Ay chix ka dito. Wait post ko," sabi ni Kai at biglang nagpipindot sa cellphone niya.
"Baka mamaya yan yung halos naka plakda ako ah," sabi ko at tumawa siya bago ipakita sa akin ang pinost niya.
"Aba. I'm your favorite girl pala ha," kinikilig kong sabi at nagtaas baba naman ang kilay niya.
"Kunwari ka pang gulat," tumatawa niyang sabi at biglang nagslide ang kamay niya sa pwet ko.
"Guard may manyak," pagbibiro ko at tinawanan naman niya ako.
"Ay Mahal, do you think they have scented candles here? Gusto ko ng ganon eh kesa sa air freshener talaga," sabi ko while looking at the frozen goods.
"I doubt. Diba meron nang bagong open for BBW dito? We can check there later," sabi niya and I nodded.
"Feel ko after ng foods mas okay na sa department store tayo mamili. Parang gusto ko mamili ng furnitures and accessories sa condo. Hindi ko na trip itsura niya," sabi ko and she kissed me on my cheeks.
"Sige. Move ko na lang tattoo appointment ko," sabi niya at agad naman akong umiling.
"Anong oras ba appointment mo?" Tanong ko sa kanya.
"For 6PM para after makapag luto pa ako dinner pa tayo sana," sagot naman niya.
"Next week na lang tayo mamili. You've been planning this tattoo for months," sabi ko at nagulat naman siya.
"How did you know?" Tanong niya and I laughed.
"Mahal, puro tattoo artists pinapakita mo sa akin nung nakaraan. You always ask kung sa tingin ko maayos yung lettering nila," natatawa kong sabi and she smiled.
"I thought I was being sleek about it," kamot sa ulo niyang sabi and I laughed.
Maaga kaming natapos mamili ni Kai dahil gusto namin mamili pareho ng damit sa department store.
Dederetso na sana kami nang biglang tumunog ang phone niya.
"May gusto raw makipag-switch sa time ko, Mahal. Should I grab it?" Sabi niya and I nodded.
"Pwede pero uuwi na tayo after. Natatakot talaga ako," sabi ko and she smiled.
"Sige, tapos pahinga na lang din muna tayo sa condo," sabi niya at tumango naman ako.
Hindi rin naman ako atat na mamili kami or gumawa pa ng ibang errands because there will always be a next time. I'm sure.
Nakarating na kami sa studio ng artist and maayos at malinis naman. Hindi naman ako kinakabahan na baka biglang mamaga buong braso ni Kai after ng tattoo.
"Good Afternoon," bati nila sa amin pagpasok.
Agad pinaupo si Kai sa parang chair ng mga dentist at pinag-usapan nila ang placement at laki ng magiging tattoo ni Kai.
Kinakabahan ako ha! Pakiramdam ko ooperahan anak ko!
While the artist was busy preparing his stensil, Kai signaled me to come closer.
"Excuse me. Pwede po siya itabi sakin? Mas kinakabahan pa sa akin eh," sabi ni Kai sa artist at ngumiti naman ito bago ako ikuha ng upuan at ilagay sa side kung saan hindi lalagyan ng tattoo si Kai.
"Mataas naman pain tolerance mo, diba?" Tanong ko kay Kai and she nodded.
"Ayaw mo ba mag-watch? Gusto mo sa labas ka na lang?" Tanong niya and I shook my head.
"Ayaw. I want to hold your hand," sabi ko and she held my hand bago ako halikan sa pisngi.
Pumwesto na si Ate na maglalagay ng tattoo kay Kai and when the needle touched Kai skin ay agad humigput ang kapit ko sa kamay niya but Kai didn't even flinch.
Her face didn't even change.
"Does it hurt?" I asked Kai worriedly and she shook her head to assure me.
"Mas masakit pang nakikita kitang umiiyak," panlalandi niya pa at narinig ko naman na nag "Aw" ang tattoo artist niya kaya naman napatawa kaming tatlo.
"Kapag masakit sabihan mo ko. Ako bahala kay Ate," pagbibiro ko at natawa na naman kaming tatlo.
A few minutes went by natapos na ang tattoo ni Kai and she was so happy with the outcome.
Konting picture and payment lang after the tattoo ay nakalabas na rin kami sa studio.
"Wait! I want to take a picture too," sabi ko nang makita kong maganda ang liwanag sa labas ng studio.
"Smile!"
"Does Omma know you're getting it tattooed?" Tanong ko whil I'm looking at her picture.
"Yes, Mahal. Can you send it to her? I bet she'll be thrilled," nakangiti niyang sabi at tumango naman ako sa kanya.
"Na K bye ka, Mahal." Tawang tawang sabi ni Kai at inirapan ko naman siya.
"Mas nakakatawa yung bakit daw may wheelchair," sabi ko at nagtawanan na naman kaming dalawa.
"Buti nga kay Omma wala ka masyadong typo," sabi niya at tumawa ako.
"Kay Omma lang aayos ang chat," sabi ko at ginulo naman niya ang buhok ko.
"Ay. Wait! Naiwan natin sa mall yung grocery!" Sabi ko at inilabas ang number namin para sa baggage claim at nagtawanan naman kami.
"Ako na mag-drive. Natatakot ako Kai dyan sa tattoo mo ha! balutin mo kaya 'yan?" Tanong ko sa kanya habang tinitignan ang braso niyang ngayon ay namumula.
"I'm good, Mahal. Pero go, drive. I love looking at you all the time," nakangiti niyang sabi sa akin at ibinigay ang susi ng sasakyan.
Pagdating sa parking ng mall, hindi ko na rin siya pinababa. Muntik niya pa nga akong awayin pero nung nagkunwari akong iiyak tinantanan na niya rin katigasan ng ulo niya.
Natatakot talaga ako sa tattoo niya eh. Iniisip ko pa lang na baka magkaron ng infection natataranta na kaagad ako. Hindi ko na alam kaagad gagawin ko. Baka mauna pa akong mahimatay sa aming dalawa kapag hindi naging maganda healing ng tattoo niya.
Agad akong bumalik sa sasakyan at pagbalik ko ay nakasimangot si Kai na pinapanood ako habang nilalagay ko sa likod ng sasakyan ang mga pinamili namin.
"Sabi ko sayo ako na eh," sabi niya pero hindi ko siya pinansin at inilagay sa sasakyan ang huling bag na pinamili namin at ibinalik ang push cart sa lagayan nito.
"Tignan mo. Pawis na pawis ka," sabi niya at lumapit sa akin para punasan ako ng pawis pero agad naman akong lumayo sa kanya.
"Mahal! Baka madumihan sugat mo! May alikabok tong pawis ko eh!" Sabi ko sa kanya at kinuha ang bimpo na ipangpupunas niya sana sa akin.
"Kung alam ko lang na di kita maaalagaan hindi na sana ako nagpa-tattoo." Naka-pout niyang sabi and I smiled.
"Kapag gumaling na 'yang tattoo mo, hindi na ulit ako kikilos. Bahala ka na magkanda kuba kaka utos ko sayo. Kaya sulitin mo na," sabi ko sa kanya and she smiled softly.
"Love mo talaga ako no?" She asked with the biggest smile on her face as I kiss her cheeks.
"So much!" Nakangiti kong sabi sa kanya at nagmaneho na ako para makauwi kami.
Pagkadating namin sa condo, Kai and I decided na mag-order na lang kami.
We both agreed na hindi ito ang perfect time for her to teach me how to cook. Siya worried sa akin kasi baka mapaso lang ako at masunog ang kilay ko, me worried about her na baka mamatay lang siya sa alat ng niluto ko.
Madami akong in-order from McDo just in case hindi kami mabusog. Pwede namang ibigay or ilagay sa fridge yung iba na hindi mauubos later.
Pagdating ng delivery, may apat na malaking paper bag ang dumating na ikinalaki naman ng mata ni Kai.
"Mahal! Ano 'yan!" Gulat niyang tanong and I laughed.
"Kala mo. Ganito ka rin kaya kapag you order foods for me," sabi ko sa kanya at tumawa naman siya.
"Kaya ba natin tong ubusin?" Tanong niya habang isa-isang inilalabas ang mga pagkain sa paper bag.
"Never back down, never what?" Tanong ko habang binibigyan siya at ang sarili ko ng coke.
"Never give up!" Sagot niya at nag-cheers naman kami ng iniinom namin sabay tawa.
Dinala namin lahat sa living room ang pagkain na in-order ko at nanood ng series habang kumakain.
We're still watching the Bigbang Theory on Netflix since Kai wanted to watch it with me and I had to rewatch season 1 again kahit na I'm already on season 8. I don't mind. As long as I'm with her and I get to do things with her, who am I to complain?
On the TV, it shows a scene where Penny and Sheldon are having a conversation in the laundry room of their building.
"Mahal! Yung damit natin!" Sabay naming sigaw dahil pareho naming naalala na hindi namin nakuha ang damit namin sa laundry.
"Should we get it tomorrow na lang?" Tanong ko sa kanya and she smiled at me.
"I'm okay with it. I enjoy doing errands with you," nakangiti niyang sabi as she kisses my temple.
Last night was totally different. Kung wala si Kai, baka wala na naman akong malay dahil sa sobrang kalasingan.
Baka namamaho na naman tong condo dahil sa pinagsamang anoy ng alak at sigarilyo na nakonsumo ko sa isang araw lang.
She really did save me.
Whoever is making this happen, even if it's a God I don't believe in, thank you for letting me have her.