We had the next Champions League game against Servette coming up, and even though I was back living with Lena, things were different. They didn't flow like they once did, and despite all my will, and effort, I wasn't in the apartment much. In order to lock down all my feelings, I found old (or maybe current) habits never truly die hard.
"Do you have to go?" he said to me, as I started to get out of the bed.
"Yes," I answered, coldly.
"You were so much more fun last night." I looked at him, giving the man in the bed a glare before grabbing my bag. I changed in the kitchen, as I used his toaster, without asking. I had to get something in my stomach before training. The piece of toast, with only butter, was bland but it would have to do.
"Do you have any salt?" I called out. I heard his footsteps start to come closer, and he was standing in the doorframe.
"What are you wearing?"
"My kit," I answered, realizing I was about to falter under my cover.
"You play for Wolfsburg?" he asked.
"Yes."
"I had never heard of a Milicent before on the Wolfsburg team?" That was the name I had given to him last night. Milicent.
"Have you heard of any of the names on the team?" I asked, trying to avoid the question.
"Alex Popp," he replied. "Lena Oberdorf." I paused at her name. Whenever I heard those two words, something shuddered in me.
"Well, surprise. You slept with a footballer. Do you have salt?" He laughed as I spoke, coming into the kitchen and handing me the salt shaker. I lathered the toast and cringed as I ate it. He questioned my breakfast choice, before walking back into the bedroom.
I soon made my way out of the apartment as quickly as I had come in and almost flew down the stairs. I had to make it in time for training, and as usual, I was running late. With Lena, I was always on time. She never let me be anywhere late. But without her, I was already going to be 15 minutes behind schedule.
I grabbed an Uber, which took me straight to the training ground. I almost ran into our changing room, as most of the girls were starting to head out. Jill came over to me, patting my back.
"You alright?" she asked. I nodded, desperately, as I rummaged around my locker looking for my boots. "Do you have boots?" she then asked.
"No." I felt like a child, needing to be saved by my older sister. She sighed, softly, but not with any malice, rather sorry, and then passed me a spare pair she had in her locker.
"You can't get any pictures with them on," Jill then laughed. "Remember these are Nike. You're sponsored by Adidas." I chuckled a soft grin as she ran out onto the pitch. I soon followed behind, wearing the extra boots after I hadn't brought any myself.
I saw her on the pitch, as we all warmed up. Her hair was tied up, and her face painted with a smile. After all that had happened, over the past few weeks, I still couldn't get her out of my head. She was encapsulated in my mind. It was as if I couldn't think of anything else except her.
"What are you thinking about?" Lynn asked, as my eyes were staring at Lena across the pitch.
"Nothing," I said, as Lynn exited me from my trance.
"You're so stupid," she then said.
"Why does everyone keep saying that?" I exclaimed, falling to the ground, my face planted against the grass. Lynn laughed at me, as more footsteps came over.
"Come on," Alex said, passing me her hand. I took it graciously, as she helped me to my feet. "You're okay." I looked at my captain with ease, as we continued to train. Sometimes I needed that push back to reality and Alex normally was just that: reality.
We soon traveled to Switzerland for the Servette game, and after a comfortable 4-0 win, in which I scored twice, we were heading back to Germany. It was a quick midday pit stop.
Before the match, we went on a walk around Lake Geneva. It was a cold day on the border, and all of us rugged up. I walked beside Jill and Lynn, us Dutchies becoming a core three now within the team. It was nice having a slice of home with me despite being far from it.
As we walked along the water, I felt a hand come from behind, reaching for my arm. I turned around to see her. Lena.
"Can we talk?" she asked. I nodded my head, falling back from Jill and Lynn. We broke away from the main group, walking back towards the city rather than away from it. We knew we would find them in a little.
"Is everything okay?" I asked her, naively, knowing that something obviously wasn't.
"Not sure," she replied. "Why haven't you been home much?" I knew that this question was coming. I had barely slept one night in my room the past week.
"I- I- I guess I just wanted to give you space." She nodded her head slowly. There was an anger boiling in her heart. I felt it too.
"I don't want space, Mila."
"Then what do you want?" You. You. Please say 'you'.
She avoided the question instead, replying, "I just want this to go back to the way it was."
"I do too. But I don't want to put you in a position where I made you uncomfortable or-"
"You would never make me feel uncomfortable." I looked at her, and at that moment, I realized something greater than I realized. Something I kept trying to hide.
"I'm sorry." She sighed, looking away onto the water.
"Why is it so cold?" she laughed, moving the conservation away.
"This wasn't the beach you promised me," I replied.
"I'm sorry," she joked. "We can go to... Greece!"
"I was thinking Spain."
"Oh, yes, the annual trip to Ibiza." I laughed as she said this, knowing Ibiza is on nearly everyone's bucket list.
The conversation thereafter flowed. It was just as I had remembered Lena and me. This was normal. This was fluid.
After the game, that evening, we headed back to the hotel. We were to be leaving early the next morning, from the Geneva Airport. As per the start of the season, Lena and I were always roommates on away trips, and after our conversation today, it was a lot less weird than if it had happened the week earlier.
There were two Queen beds in the room, and I crashed on the one closer to the window as soon as we walked in.
"I'm so tired," I said, trying not to laugh.
"Me too." She collapsed on her own bed, and after two showers, we turned off the light. I heard her light breathing as I tried to fall asleep myself. Just knowing she was in arms reach was hard. I wasn't used to sleeping by myself.
Before everything changed, I would sometimes hop into her bed with her, falling asleep with Lena beside me. I would never sleep by myself. It was a fear that had followed me since leaving Ukraine.
"Lena," I said, quietly.
"Mhmm," she replied.
"Can I...?" I asked. I saw her silhouette move slightly to her right, giving me space next to her. I climbed across to her bed, settling myself between her and the bedside table. I felt her soft breath on my neck, sending a tickle up my spine.
In the shared darkness, with only the moonlight from the opened curtain providing light, I found something so unthinkable. I found a moment of solace, with only her. I turned to face her, my eyes looking at her sleeping ones. Her soft breathing was the only thing that reminded me I wasn't alone, not in any of this.
"Are you awake?" I said, but there was no response. I pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear, holding my hand close to her ear.
"If you're awake, pretend you don't hear this," I started to say, very softly, the whispers only just leaving my mouth, "but I think I'm scared. Well, I know I'm scared. I'm scared of lots of things but this is one. I think I like you, but I don't know. I just don't know." Her breath was just as steady as it was before; her eyes glued shut just as they had been.
I woke up the next morning, with the shower running and laying in a bed without Lena in it. I had remembered my delusional confession from the night earlier, only hoping that she hadn't heard a word of it.
We traveled back to Germany, and I sat beside her on the plane.
"You were dead asleep last night," I said, trying to convince myself that she definitely hadn't heard any of it.
"Yeah, I was very tired. The game got me good." I looked at her, nodding slightly. I wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or relieved with her response. Maybe something inside of me wanted her to hear it. It would be easier than telling her otherwise. I knew it.
It continued to leave me in a state of uncertainty.
Everything did.
"Oh yeah, same. I was just cold." She nodded, smiling softly.
"I don't mind," she answered. "Sometimes it's nice waking up with the company." I chuckled, looking away from her and to the Lake below.
"It's even prettier from above," I added, moving the conversation along.
"In summer, it would just be gorgeous."
"I could only imagine. Enschede in summer is nice but, you know, nothing like this."
"Do you ever wish that life had turned out slightly different?" Lena asked. "Like, maybe instead of Germany, in an alternate life, I grew up on the beaches of Indonesia, or in the snow of Alaska. Everything would be so different."
"Yeah, I do think of that. Sometimes I wonder what life would've been like if I didn't leave Ukraine."
"Oh yeah." There was a hint of guilt on Lena's face when I brought up my home country.
"It's okay. Sometimes I forget too."
"Would you have wanted things to be different?"
"Yes and no. If they were, I probably would never have become a footballer. It's just not possible in Ukraine."
"Things would be different."
"Very." In my head, all I could think of was if I hadn't left Ukraine, I never would have met her. I'd still be on the Eastern border, while she would be in the air, flying over Lake Geneva. Nothing would have changed for her, but the world would have changed for me.
note:
- lake geneva is genuinely so incredibly pretty. I MISS EUROPE GUYSSSS
- anywho, going to start to move things a little more quickly now so get excited. if u have ur timeline all sorted, you should be able to guess what may be coming next hehehe