• Ch 17 | Mixed Feels •
"He can't see the smile I'm faking,
And my hearts not breaking,"
Taylor Swift
Y/n's Perspective
My feet clicked lazily over the castle's stairs. The wand in my hand was still at my side as I held an unusual feeling of being protective. I know I shouldn't, but things escalated so quickly that night.
I tried keeping quiet from the steps, not wanting to interrupt any silence from the Hospital Wing, especially at this hour, but when I entered, only two students were in there.
Garreth Weasley and a younger boy, who seemed around a third year, with a hand entanglement jinx over him.
I wasn't sure how to explain anything to Garreth, but I knew there needed to be some sort of talk and I wanted to know how he was doing.
Garreth was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed. He wore a thin white tank top while his arms were wrapped with bandages. He still had a few cuts and bruises from Sebastian's attack, but he looked better than expected.
Garreth looked good, somehow.
He was staring out the arch window, almost admiring the vintage designs of it before he turned at my steps and spotted me.
I clutched my wand a little from the nerves, but I walked over slowly and swallowed as I spoke.
"Hey Garreth," I said, almost in a whisper. The Hospital Wing was silent, there needed to be music or something.
Garreth stared up at me. I was afraid he wouldn't want to speak, but despite his injuries and the situation, he still managed to give me a contagious smile.
"How are you feeling?" I asked, pointing at his arms.
Garreth turned to his arms, flexing them around, "I can still quite move," he chuckled, "Just a few cuts, but I guess that's normal though, in a fight,"
"Yeah," I stared, "I guess so."
"Nurse Blainey placed a few Dittany leaves over the cuts and it helped quite a lot." Garreth explained, "Might've stolen a few from her stash for some potion making later on."
I crossed my arms, laughing down at Garreth being Garreth. That's what he was known for, but I was glad there wasn't any awkwardness after what we just experienced.
"That sounds like you, stealing stuff." I joked, sitting down on the bed beside him, but then realizing my comfortableness, "Ugh, I apologize, I'm just tired and—"
"Hey," Garreth elbowed me, "I don't bite."
I sighed with a joke, "I hope not."
There was a peaceful white between Garreth Weasley and I. Almost like a close on the "not so-called" date of the night. It felt, nice.
"How about you?"
I stared up, "Hm? What about me?"
"Are you feeling alright? I know things took an unexpected turn." Garreth let out, "I apologize about what happened before. I should've kept my mouth shut."
It felt complicated. Having Garreth tell me this, but then not knowing whether he had a point or not. Although our whispers were low, it still felt like a risk speaking of Sebastian Sallow. I didn't even know he could detect so much now.
My hands leaned over the bed and I let out another soft sigh, closing my eyes.
"No, it wasn't your fault. It's just...uh," I thought for a second, "Sebastian isn't well."
"I figured," Garreth said, aiming his words in a joking manner.
I just gave a fake smile with a nod.
"I know you two were close fifth year," Garreth reminded, "Fancied each other if I remember? The fifth year seems like so long ago, I could be wrong."
Oh, Garreth, if only you knew.
I cleared my throat, feeling hot from the year mentioned, and pursed my lips, "I, uh, y-yeah we were quite...close. It was more like—it wasn't—it was...interesting."
I didn't know what was coming into my mind. Many things did happen fifth year, but I didn't want to give the courage to tell Garreth the truth about why it happened.
Garreth smiled, looking toward the ceiling, "You know, for a second there, I thought you fancied me." He laughed it off.
I laughed it off too, but I stopped as our laughs vibrated through the Hospital Wing.
"Ha, yeah, uh..." I rubbed my finger on my nose, "Weren't you with Isabel Prewett?
"I-I was, but, uh, it's complicated too. We broke up." Garreth shrugged, "I just figured since you and Sallow were together..."
"Yup...were," I said awkwardly.
"I don't blame him. He'll always speak highly things about you," Garreth confessed, "Never shut up."
I flushed at the new information and swallowed, "W-What? He did?"
"Yeah. You know, things that weren't anything new," Garreth smirked, "About how smart and funny you were. How pretty. It almost seemed like he was trying to make the men at Hogwarts like you too." He chuckled down.
"Oh," I said lowly, "I-I didn't know that." I whispered.
"Yeah," Garreth said lowly, matching my voice tone, "He wasn't wrong though."
I gulped, still thinking about Sebastian's words, but tried to pay attention to Garreth's.
"You are intelligent and humorous," Garreth tilted his head near me as he spoke, "Very interesting...pretty. Heroic too." He elbowed.
I smiled at the compliments being said by Garreth Weasley.
"And caring," Garreth finished,
I felt the tension between us. I wanted to ignore it, but it was difficult. I should've expected this, considering we were both single and went out together, but it was debatable. My head was lost for a moment.
Wasn't this what I wanted all along? To kiss Garreth Weasley? To be close to him? To hang out with him? To just be alone with him?
My breath was heavy as I felt Garreth's view on me.
"I really appreciate you for checking up on me, Y/n," Garreth whispered.
I turned, finally gazing over the green eyes that I was avoiding the last minute, and kept my smile.
"I had to make sure you were feeling alright." I said.
"Now I am." Garreth flirted.
Although he was injured, Garreth Weasley still had the energy to raise his arms up and kiss me. Yes, kiss me. I can't believe I could even admit that. I kissed Garreth — no, Garreth Weasley kissed me that night.
His lips were wet. Not nasty wet, but they were wet. I could feel his nose brush over mine as I realized he kissed to the left also; his orange hair that dangled over his forehead almost poked my eyes in between.
It was heated. I did feel Garreth's hands clutch over my waist, wanting to kiss me harder, but I kept my stance, still sitting.
But it had been a long time since I kissed someone. A long time of feeling someone's touch. Someone's lips. It was hard to resist at that very moment.
Fifth Year
I didn't speak to Sebastian Sallow for weeks after the Gryffindor Party. It was noticeable to say that Hogwarts predicted a break-up between us, well, a false one, but we never openly admitted it was fake.
Only for Poppy Sweeting and Ominis Gaunt, of course — which, by the way, admitted they were taken aback, but not surprised.
"I knew it was too good to be true." Poppy sighed to herself, "But I apologize for what happened. I should've gone to the party sooner." She will tell me.
Classes became horrible during the start of the new year, considering Garreth Weasley and Isabel Prewett were pretty open about their relationship.
I almost threw up once at the mention of them sleeping with each other multiple times, but I ignored it after knowing the plan was over. There was no true hope and I really liked Sebastian now.
I wanted to reach out to him. To tell him the truth, but Poppy encouraged it would be right if he did it first; which he never did.
It wasn't until mid-February when I got the first news of Sebastian Sallow being in the Hospital Wing. I did notice his absence in class, but I didn't want to intervene. As Poppy said, he needed to reach out first.
"What do you mean he's in the Hospital Wing?" I said in surprise on that Undercroft.
I was more angry than worried, and I didn't know why.
"No clue. I got an owl from him this morning, and when I got there, he said a few...wolves attacked him during the journey." Ominis Gaunt informed me.
"Wolves? Journey? Where was he planning to go?" I asked.
My fingers were tapping often now. There was this instinct in me that wanted to drop everything and see him, but also ignore it.
"I can't be sure. The Sleeping Draught was taking place and Sebastian wasn't informative." Ominis sighed, "H-He did mention, uh, your name."
I flushed, but it was more like a blush.
"He said, to me," Ominis pointed to himself, then at me, "to tell you, he apologizes for what happened. He's...sorry.' He admitted awkwardly.
I raised a brow, tilting my head, "He is sorry?"
"Yes."
I crossed my arms, "Uh...why didn't he just owl me?"
Ominis clicked his tongue, almost tired of this himself, "Ugh, you know how dramatic Sebastian can get. Can you two just...speak again or something? I'm tired of being a messenger."
"You've only sent me one message, Ominis." I blinked.
"And that is enough!" He snapped.
I flinched, but sighed, taking in the truth and wondering.
"Is—Is he alright?" I asked.
"See for yourself." Ominis snarled.
I giggled, but Ominis frowned more, "Ugh, you know what I meant. You don't have to go. I do understand why you wouldn't, but—"
"It's fine..."I gulped, feeling my hands sweat, "I'll go."
I couldn't understand why I felt nervous entering that Hospital Wing. I even had second thoughts about entering it, but I was already there.
And deep down, I did want to see him. I missed him.
Sebastian sat comfortably on the hospital bed, his eyes a bit droopy as they stared intensely at the wrapped fingers. He looked tired, but well.
I tried to give a slow approach, but Nurse Blainey was quite a greeter at the time.
"Ah! Miss Y/l/n, glad to see you here! Lovely evening." Nurse Blainey waved as she cured a first year.
I was frozen in the moment, but grew a smile and then glared over at the brunette boy two hospital beds away and realized he had taken notice of my arrival too.
Breathe, Y/n. It's just Sebastian.
I maintained a slow pace. There was rarely a smile in me since, in reality, we were not speaking for weeks, and I walked up to the side of his bed, pressing my lips together.
Sebastian's hazel eyes stared up at me as he sat there on that bed. As I stared, there was a slash over his left brow from a wolf claw; he wore a short-sleeved shirt, but you could see faint scratches from the attack, then a small purple-yellow bruise near his cheekbone.
And yet, I still found him handsome.
"I'm quite a mess, aren't I?' Was the first thing Sebastian Sallow told me after not speaking for weeks.
I laughed. I couldn't help it, I laughed and felt myself heat up as I shook my head.
"What were you thinking, Sebastian?" I asked.
Sebastian shrugged, playing with the thin blanket under, and stared back up at me.
I couldn't even stare at him for too long. It felt like the tension was rising. I was afraid of would it would lead to.
"I was just trying to go into the Catacomb." He murmured like a child.
"By yourself?!"
"Well, I'm sure an owl from me wouldn't done justice. I didn't want to bother you," Sebastian looked down in shame, "Especially...after what happened. I apologize."
I sighed, uncrossing my arms and lowering the sleeves of my sweater as sat down beside him.
"You could've tried." I said softly.
"I wasn't feeling up for rejection, again, so I suppose I thought I could do it by myself." Sebastian cleared his throat. "Which I couldn't."
I nodded, "Well, I'm here now. Which by the way, Ominis isn't the best person to send messages to." I giggled.
Sebastian chuckled, "I was desperate at this point. I wanted to owl you beforehand and speak to you in class, but..." he was quiet.
I gulped, "I'm sorry."
I can sense Sebastian's stare at me from the side, "For?"
"I shouldn't have said the things I said after the party....outside the Gryffindor hallway." I said in a raspy voice, "I do want to help you with saving Anne. I hope you know that."
"Oh," Sebastian nodded slowly, "Right...uh, well, thank you. I-I do need you. Really."
I didn't take his words seriously at the time. I just thought he needed me for help, that was all.
"I, uh..."
I was lost within my own words, but the moment felt so intimidating, maybe, it was because we were in a Hospital Wing.
"Yes?" I could feel Sebastian's stare on me and I kept mine in the blanket below us.
I licked my lips, turning at him, "I must admit, I should be...glad you were my first kiss at the Gryffindor party," I flushed confusedly, "I don't think I would've relied on anyone else in Hogwarts for that in an emergency." I said nervously.
"Oh," Sebastian said, also a bit confused, like he wanted to say something, but instead he gave a smirk and turned back to me, "Am I a bad kisser?"
I scoffed.
I never felt more woman than I did kissing Sebastian at that party. Perhaps, it was the drink, but I still remembered the feeling. The tension. It was all there.
"You're cheeks are pink," Sebastian pointed, "I am, aren't I? Be truthful."
I laughed, pushing his shoulder, totally forgetting he was injured.
"Ow," Sebastian groaned.
I gasped, "I-I'm sorry."
"I'm fine," Sebastian laughed, "You know, I'm quite surprised you said that. I would've thought you would want Weasley to be your first."
I raised my brows at the name mentioned and sighed, "I'm traumatized by that party, so I don't think so anymore." I laughed it off.
Sebastian and I were quiet for a moment before he spoke up again.
"I heard about them snogging in the broom closet..." Sebastian nodded to himself, "They seem way comfortable."
I nodded along, "Unfortunately."
"But you know what?" I felt Sebastian's hair almost tickle under my chin as he leaned in close, purposely.
I was so nervous that by this point, my heart was beating so loud, I really thought Sebastian was going to hear it and point it out too.
"We did it first in the broom closet." Sebastian whispered.
I let out a more heavy laugh. It was a laugh of, 'fuck, I'm feeling the tension between us, but I'm going to laugh it off'.
"Sebastian, we didn't really—"
"Yeah, but Hogwarts doesn't know that. Well, except Poppy and Ominis." Sebastian wondered.
It would've been nice if it was true by now.
Again, there was silence.
"Thanks for visiting me." Sebastian let out of the blue. "I didn't think you would."
"Why would you think that? I always show up, you know? I would've shown up in the Catacomb." I said truthfully.
Sebastian smiled, "That's so Hufflepuff of you. Forgiving and being there."
Yeah, Hufflepuff....
I scoffed at his insult and sat still.
As I stayed still, rethinking my entire feelings for Sebastian Sallow, I could feel him shuffling beside me and beginning to sit up,
"Whoa, what are you," I stood up beside Sebastian, not wanting him to lose his balance as he stood up firmly from the bed, "doing?"
Sebastian's arm wrapped around my shoulder for balance and I tried hiding my blush from his actions as he spoke. His scent and warmth roamed around me, I almost got lost in his arms immediately.
"Well, as you said, you would be there in the Catacomb. Let's not waste any more time." Sebastian let out, putting on his shoes and preparing a leave.
I scoffed, "What? No, you're injured—"
"I'm fine, Y/n." Sebastian smiled, "I need that Relic." He whispered in my ear, "Please."
I gulped, lifting my hand to clutch over his, around my shoulder for support, and smiled, agreeing to another Sebastian Sallow quest.
"You're insane, Sallow."
"You know me," He chuckled as we walked away.
"Oh Merlin, what did I do—what did I do—what did I JUST DO!" I panicked within myself, holding my wand.
"Y/n, hey, it's okay," Sebastian's voice vibrated.
"No, I didn't mean to cast Imperio on Ominis, why—why—"
"It's my fault, alright? I could take full responsibility. You did it to protect our friendship. We have to go—"
"But Ominis-"
"The curse would lift once we're out, okay? We have to go before he finds out, again." Sebastian grabbed my arm.
Sebastian had taught me Imperio that very same hour. It seemed like an easy spell the way he taught me, but he also did the same with Crucio. I never expected myself to use it right away. It was a fast act.
"Y/n look at me," Sebastian said once we were outside in the snow.
"I feel like such a monster." I breathed.
"Hey, hey, look,"
I gasped, feeling Sebastian Sallow's warm hands clutch my cheeks as his forehead rested over mine, trying everything he could to calm me down from the panic feeling.
It worked for a few seconds, but all he did was stir up tension that wasn't planned.
"You've defeated camps, beasts, and enemies. Why are you so worried now?" Sebastian whispered.
Sebastian was right. I've done so much horrible stuff the last few months — nothing compared to what had just happened, but I was in shock. The state of shock was uncontrollable after committing another unforgivable.
"Because it's Ominis." I answered, "He's our friend."
"And I told you I take responsibility, alright? I need you to calm down." Sebastian stared, "It's my fault. I guided you here, I taught you it. Please, I need you to be okay."
The warmth of his hands soothed my body from the falling snow. It felt nice, and it felt relaxing.
The hazel in his eyes was lighter than ever, and you could tell he was worried. He cared. He wanted to protect me and assure me that I was fine.
"I'm okay," I whispered.
"Are you sure?"
I wasn't okay. His lips were right there, but what was the craziness of kissing Sebastian Sallow again without an excuse? Kissing him after casting Imperio on our friend? It was a bad timing.
I broke away first, hopping off the rock and nodding, holding my wand, "We need to head to Feldcroft now. We don't have much time."
Sebastian cleared his throat, "Right...right, let's go."
___
This is a long chapter.
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When my eyes re-opened, my hands were entangled over Garreth Weasley's hairs while his hands were wanting to proceed their way up my waist, but it was too much.
"Eherm,"
I gasped, being thankful there was an excuse to break off the intense kiss, and turned, seeing Nurse Blainey eye us from afar.
Garreth cleared his throat, going back to his sitting position, and chuckled, "I-I apologize, nurse..."
"Perhaps, if you are feeling better Mister Weasley, you should proceed back to your dormitory. It is curfew hour!" Nurse Blainey frowned.
I stayed flushed from the physical touch. I was enjoying it, but it was because I was thinking about someone else. Not Garreth, but someone else.
"I just got the news that Leander Prewett is the new Gryffindor Captain....temporarily." Natsai Onai confessed the next Monday morning.
I played with my scrambled eggs on my plate at the news, keeping quiet as Lenora squealed to herself.
Between the weekend passing and now, it was obvious that Garreth Weasley wouldn't be able to play Quidditch for the next game due to his injuries.
Unfortunately, news traveled fast. There were a handful of random years inside the Three Broomsticks when Sebastian decided to cause chaos, so I couldn't hide anything after that.
"Oh, yes! I saw him walking down the hall before breakfast. A bit limp, if I say so..." Adelaide thought to herself, "Or maybe, it was Y/n's doing?" She flirted.
"Y/n?! Is it true then?" Lenora gasped, "You went on the date with Garreth Weasley and Sebastian Sallow foug—"
"I really don't want to speak of it, thank you, Lenora." I smiled, letting my fork go from my eggs.
Lenora looked down at her fingers in shame from her words, "Sorry...I forgot—the school has just been talking."
My eyes flickered back at her, "Talking? About?"
Lenora shrugged, "About the fight that happened in there. Why didn't you tell us anything?"
"I didn't think it would be necessary...or be spoken of." I lied, "Besides, it was going well, but S-Sebastian...I don't know. He's a tough act." I admitted openly.
There was silence between my friends and me at that table.
They knew the truth. You could tell by their stares that it was weird to even end up in a situation like this. Where I couldn't even defend Sebastian myself.
"What?" I asked at the glares.
"My bad," Adelaide gulped, "I-It's just...odd. You two were close fifth year, and now it's like—"
"I know, I hear that all the time now," I said tiredly at the repetitive reminder.
Again, the friend group was silent.
"I don't even know him anymore," I whispered to myself at the truth,
It didn't hurt admitting that, but there was a slight crack in that sentence. Who would've thought that one day I'll become a stranger to Sebastian Sallow. Strangers.
I hadn't really thought about looking for Sebastian Sallow. Not that I was aiming toward it, but I didn't see him in class. I didn't see him in Quidditch practice either. Or anywhere — But I also didn't see Ominis.
"Y/n," I can hear Ominis Gaunt's voice call out my name as I exited my last class the next Tuesday afternoon.
I kept walking, letting him follow me with his glowing wand, "Ominis."
I didn't intend to be harsh on Ominis Gaunt. Nothing was his fault, but conversating with him was bringing up some sort of topic of Sebastian Sallow and I sure didn't want to hear of him, again.
"Can you stop walking?" Ominis said bitterly, noticing my ignorance, "I can't deal with your behavior either, Y/n."
I was halfway up the Defense Against the Dark Arts Tower stairs when I stopped, holding my books and turning at him.
"Deal with my behavior?" I furrowed my brows, "I think the only behavior that should be concerning now is your friend's." I said with no name mentioned.
"Friend's," Ominis mimicked me, "Listen, I apologize. Why didn't you reach out for what Sebastian did at the—"
"I'm not here to supervise him, Ominis. Not anymore." I snapped, "But he's not well. Perhaps, he wasn't ready for this."
Ominis stood still, "He's trying."
"Trying to what? Destroy the entire school body?" I scoffed, "He is hurting everything near me. I get it, I'm a monster for him now, but his actions are bizarre, Ominis, and you know that."
"I know, I know..." Ominis raised his right arm, "But I can assure you, Sebastian has dealt with the consequences. He is suspended for a few days. That includes sports." He informed.
"And what is that going to solve?" I sighed.
Ominis stood quiet with himself.
"I'm not here to pick up on the damages he's doing. And he knows that." I frowned, "I don't need his apologies either."
"You sound like you're pushing me away too," Ominis said concerned.
I was, but I didn't want to admit it. As I said, anything dealing with Ominis and Anne, Sebastian was somehow involved and my head can only take so much.
"I'm not. It's just a hard adjustment, Ominis. We're in our last year. I have too many responsibilities already." I answered.
Ominis nodded, "I understand, but as I said, I do want you to know that he got the consequence for his actions."
I sighed, "Good."
"Oh, and please, do me a favor, Ominis," I said again.
"Yes, Y/n?"
"Don't ever make him apologize to me ever again like a fucking robot. If he doesn't want to, let him." I reminded them before walking away.
My luck that day was horrible. It felt like the more I spoke of him, the more he appeared and with the castle being so big that you could get lost in it, it was helpless.
I yawned, having my study books prepared for a few studies at the library. My body walked happily toward the Central Hall and reached over the library entrance doors, entering.
Only five seconds. Just five seconds.
Ominis Gaunt had been right, Sebastian Sallow was taking the consequences of his own actions.
I walked a few feet. Usually, I'd take the first table available nearby, but after entering, I saw Sebastian Sallow cleaning the library tables physically. I suppose wands weren't allowed as part of the punishment and he was cleaning with his arms.
A few students still sat on the tables aside, studying and not minding the consequences, but I minded.
Sebastian cleaned the tables wearing his school uniform. I suppose he was still making up for his attendance in classes, but in a different way.
His sleeves were rolled up and his eyes concentrated on the cleanliness. He was taking his punishment serious, working hard to clean the old tables as he was probably instructed by Madam Scribner. It was almost ironic to listen to her, but he had no choice.
It was embarrassing to be standing there the way I was. I know it was only five seconds, but it felt like an eternity. And his senses were quick.
I didn't expect him to stare up at me. There were, at most, a good estimate of students studying in that big library to even see me, but I suppose since I was standing right at the entrance, not moving, there was just an instinct.
It was weird, really. I wish I would've never entered in the first place.
When I saw Sebastian looking up at me, my heart skipped a beat. For a moment, he seems like his old self again, his hazel eyes almost shining. Or maybe it was the light of the library hitting the shiny wood under him and reflecting back to his face.
I just look back at him, almost as if I didn't believe that there was a slight reflection of the guy I once knew fifth year. That moment of connection, of seeing old Sebastian in those eyes felt fake.
I blinked twice before the stern, serious, and dark eyes came over me again and I looked away, taking a breath. How could he switch so fast?
Sebastian lifted his posture, grabbing the dirty towel over his fingers and almost signaling that the table was ready for me, but I didn't follow.
I also gave a dark look, the same way he did to me, and turned around, taking the stairs toward the second floor of the library and avoiding any nearby presence of his.
_________
Tee hee, I'm struggling a hell of a lot with the story, so I apologize if I take longer to update.
You think Seb is going to leave her alone while she studies in that library? 👀
Don't forget Vacuity and the rest of my works can be discussed in Discord (18+)! It's fun, really.
Lokiniall