I sat on the couch with a bottle of wine, one that Gracie had left me as a gift for keeping my mouth shut about the cult. Her words kept circling around in my mind, at first the nerves caused me to peel apart my cuticles, but eventually the wine had worked its way through me just enough to calm me down. So, I laid half drunk on the couch with the sweet music of old 60's music playing in the background.
I made myself feel crazy, knowing that my sanity was hanging on by a thread these days, and now confirming that they were back was a curse. I didn't know if I wanted to go insane and lose my sanity, or if knowing was better, because both were equally sickening at the thought. I swore to Gracie I wouldn't say anything until she tried to talk to her parents, but the truth was teetering on my lips and the taste was poisonous garbage. I knew that spitting the truth out would only cause trouble and it would go against what I had promised Gracie.
But in hindsight, it could help us put an end to everything, once and for all.
I was in the middle of my own contemplation before Niall had came back to the house, seeing a drunken Anna, aka me, on the couch. He threw his keys on the table, giving me a lopsided smile as he folded his arms over his chest.
"Without me? Really?" Niall tsked.
"It's not a good drunk, I can promise you that," I mumbled as I finished off the rest of my cup, reaching over to the bottle to refill my cup.
"Is it Harry?" Niall said as he disappeared from behind me.
"Something like that," I shrugged one shoulder, my eyes were swimming and I felt a headache coming on.
I heard Niall making a cluttered noise in the other room, when he reappeared he had his own bottle and a regular cup that he had found in one of the cabinets. He sat down on the couch, popping the cap off and pouring himself a cup of wine.
"He'll be fine," Niall took a sip of his drink, sighing happily at the taste, "And he did say he was coming back, right?"
"Yeah, right," I breathed.
"Come on, Anna," Niall leaned against the back of the couch, "Don't be sad. I've been around sad people enough lately, shit, even Rina has been down in the dumps. It's a bummer."
"I'm sorry, but Jackie is the only thing that was keeping Harry together," I barked lightly with a slurred voice, "And with the glue melting away, I'm scared with how Harry is gonna handle it. At the end of the day, we know she is going to die and we have to find a way to be there for Harry so he doesn't fall off the wagon again."
"We will," Niall reaffirmed, "At the slightest tip, I will make sure to be there for him. I know Harry, alright? I know that something like this is gonna push him off the edge, but all we can do is find ways to let him grieve that doesn't involve him nearly killing himself."
"It's so easy for you to say, isn't it?" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes as I sat my glass down on the table. I was extremely tired, the wine wasn't sitting well on my stomach and I felt like I could hide away for a few days until all of this blew over.
"I guess it is, because I've been through it with him once before, and I'll do it again." Niall frowned.
I looked at Niall, trying to hide the guilty look on my face. I wanted to jump up and scream that the cult was back, that Gracie's parents were thinking about selling her childhood home and following them, but I couldn't. I could only sit there and bite my tongue because I'm a good friend, or I'm trying to be, all the while the boys are just aimlessly wandering around not knowing.
But for once, I was ahead of them. I knew something that they didn't know.
"It's getting late," I threw the blanket off my lap as I forced myself to get up, "I should go to bed. I have to get up early and plan for the week."
"Why do I always end up missing the party?" Niall scoffed playfully, sipping down the rest of his cup, "Come on, Anna, I'm bored as shit out here when you hide away in your room."
"I know, I'm sorry," I scrunched my face tiredly with a hand on my forehead, "I promise we can hang out tomorrow morning. Just–don't be so loud."
"I'm loud in nature, little angel!" Niall exclaimed with an open mouthed smile, "It's the irish in me."
"Yeah, well, try to tone it down in the mornings," I held my head as I walked to my bedroom, turning back to look at him once more, "I'll see you in the morning."
"Goodnight, Anna. Sleep well."
I nodded, entering my room as I closed the door behind me. Once again, I was secluded by myself. It started to feel like having Niall here wasn't much of a difference, I still felt alone at the end of the day. Even with him, after what Gracie had told me, that fear was lingering heavily inside of me. It made me realize that even if I wasn't alone, they were still out there and they could fuck up our worlds within seconds if they were bored enough.
I threw my clothes into the hamper, changing into a large t-shirt to sleep in before crawling into the unmade bed. I sighed as I hooked my phone up to the charger and laid it on the bedside table. Things were out of my control, I hated it, even if I felt like I had a slim grasp on things, I really didn't.
I was somewhat of a control freak over my life, especially now more than ever, I didn't have my mom to control me anymore. Laying on the bed and thinking about the inevitable was terrifying and I couldn't bring myself to think about anything else when it was the only thing that was at the forefront of my mind. If I could've, I would've already been fast asleep peacefully, instead I found myself tossing and turning like I couldn't get comfortable enough to fall asleep.
Pulling the blankets over my head, I squeezed my eyes shut. I needed to fall asleep, but the wine was making me stay awake. This is why I hated casual drinking at home, it never helped me to fall asleep when there was too much on my mind.
Buzz, buzz.
I opened my eyes, pushing my head past the blanket as I peered towards my phone. I reached out and tapped the screen, just for it to be blank. My brows furrowed. What was that buzzing sound? The second I questioned it again, I heard another buzzing noise come from the left of me, on Harry's side of the bed.
I used my elbows to push myself up onto my bottom, turning towards where I heard the noise. It was silent. I slid my hand under the pillow, but there was nothing. I moved the blankets to find where the sound was, yet nothing.
Was I going crazy?
Maybe it was the AC kicking on, but there wasn't any air coming from the vents; or maybe it was just an old house with weird noises that I never noticed late at night. It was almost eleven anyway, I never stayed up long enough to observe it. I shook it off, pulling the blanket back over my lap to lay back down just when I heard that noise again, this time louder.
"What the fuck?" I scoffed to myself, throwing the blanket off me as I pushed myself towards Harry's side of the bed, "What is that noise?" I muttered in annoyance.
The vibrations were louder, it sounded like a phone on thin wood echoing. I looked at Harry's bedside table, examining the contents. His glasses, a book he'd been reading, and a candle that I had bought for him a while ago. Unburned.
Pushing myself off the bed, I squatted down in front of the table and waited. When I heard nothing after moments, I pulled the drawers open and looked inside. Truthfully we didn't keep much of anything in these drawers, other than a box of condoms and a few bedside items like tissues and warm bottles of water when we don't want to get up to go to the kitchen.
My hand pushed through the objects and I heard the buzzing once more. Louder now that the drawer was open, I saw a glow in the back of the drawer. I reached back, patting around the empty space before my fingers felt a hard device and when I clutched it and pulled it out of the drawer; I was looking down at a flip phone.
"What the hell?" I mumbled in confusion, "Is this a Nokia? Why the fuck–,"
The phone buzzed in my hand again. I looked behind me, as if someone was watching me, then looked back down at the phone. The entire time me and Harry had been together, I had never once seen this phone. It was odd, why was it hidden in the back of the drawer? And why did it look like an old throw away phone?
I flipped the phone open cautiously, something about it didn't seem right, like I wasn't supposed to be going through this phone. It made my stomach bubble, or maybe it was the wine that couldn't hide the anxious feeling anymore.
UNKNOWN
TUESDAY
BE THERE
SAME TIME
DONT BE LATE!!
I looked at the texts with a confused expression, when I clicked upwards to find more texts, there were none. It looked like Harry had deleted them, it was obvious that Harry had met with them before given that they were meeting at a familiar location.
I closed the phone, putting it back in the drawer and closing it shut. I remembered a while ago that Harry was getting bitched at by Ajax over someone that only wanted to see Harry. Maybe it was just a client, but why would he text them on a throw away phone? And why would Harry leave it here if it's so important?
Wouldn't it be important to stay on top of clients? Harry was a workaholic. Even with Jackie in the hospital, he always stressed to me how important his job was.
It didn't make sense.
Too many things were running through my head, it made the throbbing in my head worse. I wasn't going to deal with it, not yet, not until I had a more steady grasp of what I wanted to say, or do.
I needed to sleep this day off.
There was shuffling in the living-room, sounds of chatter and different voices as I left the bedroom in a daze. The wine from last night decided to work against me, but that was my karma for drinking almost the entire bottle.
As I left the room, my eyes squinted at the bright lights from the open windows. It was warm, the jacket I threw on served no purpose. Familiar voices came from the kitchen mixing with sounds of sizzling and light laughter. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes as I walked into the kitchen to find a group of my friends gathered around the island counter in the middle of the room.
"Um..." My voice was hoarse.
"Look who's finally awake! Someone decided to sleep in!" Pete chirped as he pushed himself from the counter, walking towards me with open arms.
"What..." I was too tired to question what was happening, but when Pete pulled me into a hug, I looked over to Gracie who was standing at the stove with a spatula in her hand, "What are you guys doing here?"
"I got bored," Niall entered the room, walking past me with a cup in his hand, "And I didn't know when you were going to be up."
"What time is it?" I was dazed as I walked over to the counter and pulled out my medicine, plus a pain killer for my head.
"Almost noon," Gracie looked back at me, placing a hand on my shoulder as she rubbed it, "We are making brunch. Are you hungry?"
The pills spilled in my hand, then I promptly took them and swallowed it down with a glass of water. I shook my head, letting out an exasperated sigh.
"Not right now...no." I mumbled, turning on my heel to see Pete and Niall chatting with each other at the table.
On the kitchen island, there were eggs, bacon and french toast. It looked like Gracie was cooking the rest of the bacon from the package. I leaned over, grabbing a piece of bacon and started to chew on a bite carefully.
"But, really, um..." I swallowed the piece, crossing my arms over my chest, "What's–what's going on? Why is everyone here?"
"Do you want us to leave?" Pete said in offense with a look and a hand fanned against his chest.
"Well, no–,"
"Then what's the problem, huh?" Gracie poked teasingly, "It's been a while since we've all hung out as a group. I don't know about you," She drew out as she placed the fresh, hot pieces of bacon on a plate, "But I missed us all hanging out."
"Yeah, um, me too..." I rubbed my head, "I'm gonna–go freshen up. I'll talk to you guys in a minute."
I didn't wait for a response, but heard Niall make a comment about me not being a morning person as I left the room. I entered the bedroom, closing the door behind me as I walked towards the table to grab my phone. Having everyone over made me realize that I couldn't survive with roommates, the morning chatter wasn't for me, and I was desperately wanting to be left alone until my medicines kicked in.
I clicked my phone open, seeing a good morning text from Harry, and another one from Gracie announcing that her and Pete were coming over for breakfast. I couldn't believe that I had slept in. I never slept this late, not that I made myself wake up, but my medicine never let me sleep in past nine.
I tapped away on my phone, texting Harry back a good morning text, just for him to text back rather quickly and announce that he had to come back home tonight because he left a few of his belongings. I put my phone down, leaning against the bed as I stared down at my feet.
Last night.
It was surreal, I'd hoped that I would've forgotten about it, but I didn't. Gracie and I still had that conversation and I found an old throw away hidden in Harry's drawer. When I first woke up, I wanted to show Niall the phone and ask if he had the same phone, but there was a crowd and as much as I trusted them all; I didn't want Gracie to know that I had my own suspicions. Especially after she trusted me with her secret last night.
When the medicine kicked in, I left the room and gathered with the group that was eating around the table. I got out an old coffee cup and made my coffee as I did every morning before joining them at the table.
"Hungry now?" Pete pushed a plate of food towards me.
"A little bit," I grabbed an empty plate and put some bacon and french toast on it, then smothered it with maple syrup, "Thanks for breakfast."
"No problem," Gracie smiled.
I drank my coffee in silence, eavesdropping very obviously on the conversation happening at the table. Gracie had an argument with a customer a few days ago, something about the coffee tasting burnt and the food not being good. They wanted a refund, but Gracie wouldn't allow it, instead remade their food.
"You're quiet," Pete whispered to me.
"I'm tired," I grumbled through bites of my food.
"Are you mad at me for the other night?" Pete asked silently while Niall and Gracie busied themselves with their own conversations.
"No, I don't really wanna talk about it anymore," My throat felt tight at the mention of it, I didn't trust myself to talk about the subject without giving anything away.
"Are you sure—,"
"I said I don't want to talk about it, Pete," I scolded lightly, but it was loud enough that Niall turned his gaze towards us in curiosity.
I stood from the table, "I have to call Harry. Are you guys gonna be staying long?"
"Me and Pete are going to my parents in the next hour." Gracie said, lips pressed together with assurance.
"Okay, well, I'll be outside." I grabbed my cup of coffee and left the room.
As I walked outside, I sat on the same bench that I sat on every morning. I pulled my phone out, dialing Harry's number and putting the phone to my ear. The dial trilled repeatedly until the sound of rustling rang through my ear.
"Hello?"
"I need you to come home today," I said softly, licking the coffee off my lips, "It's important."
"What? Why? What's happening?" Harry's voice suddenly sounded urgent.
"I just need you to come home. I need to talk to you, but I can't come to the hospital. I have too much to do."
"I can come in the next hour, is that okay?"
"That's fine," I hummed, "I'll see you soon."
I ended the call, placing the phone in my lap and gazed out towards the field in front of me. My fingers tapped the coffee cup nervously, I couldn't tell Harry what Gracie said last night, but I could mention the phone. Obviously if it's a throw away phone, I couldn't possibly talk to him about it on our actual phones.
Maybe this was a good reason for him to come home sooner so I could talk to him, gently bring up what I needed to talk to him about.
It just couldn't wait till tonight.
"We are leaving now."
I didn't notice the sound of the screen door slamming as Gracie and Pete left the house. I stood to my feet, offering a smile.
"Okay. Sorry if I was weird this morning, it's just..." I waved my hand while giving them a look, "It's just been a weird few days."
Gracie looked nervous, nonetheless she nodded and pulled me into a tight hug. I hugged her back, resting my chin on her shoulder.
"Thank you for not saying anything."
I smiled faintly, but anyone could tell I was stressed out.
"You're welcome." I whispered back to her.
When we pulled away, Pete gave me a side hug.
"It was nice to see you again, Anna. I'll be seeing you around, I'm sure." He chuckled quietly.
"Sooner than later." I nodded.
We parted ways and I sat back on the bench to finish the rest of my coffee and stared at the time on my phone, basically counting down the minutes till Harry said he would be here.
When it had been forty-five minutes, I grabbed my cup and headed inside. It was past two now and I was cleaning up the kitchen. Niall was persistent in trying to help, but I was too anxious and needed to busy my hands until Harry came back home.
"I said I can help!" Niall scolded playfully as I took the dirty dishes to the sink.
"And I said it's fine. I need something to do anyways," I turned on the hot water and grabbed a rag to start washing the dishes. Silence fell between us for moments, then I turned my head to look at Niall, "How many phones do you have?"
"What?" He said with a mouthful of toast.
"How many phones do you have?" I repeated myself, trying not to sound annoyed.
"Just one?" Niall tilted his head, "What do I look like? Kevin Gates?"
"Oh, you're annoying," I mumbled softly, shaking my head as I put the clean dishes into the dish rack, "No, I was just asking because—," I shrugged my shoulder, "With what you do, I'm sure it's not safe to have one phone for everything."
"Yeah, I don't deal with that stuff," Niall chuckled quietly, "So, I don't need two phones."
"What do you mean you don't deal with that stuff? I thought that's what you did?" I pinched my eyes in confusion.
"Contrary to belief, I'm just the security. I just make sure that our transactions go smoothly," Niall shrugged one shoulder.
"You? Security?" I almost scoffed with a laugh following after, but when Niall deadpanned, I cleared my throat and shifted my weight on my feet, "What does Pete do then? Does he work with you too?"
"Pete oversees the amounts. He works directly with our supplies, but he tests the products to make sure what we get is a hundred percent real," Niall dusted off the crumbs on his fingers onto a napkin, "He's a fucking nerd with that kind of stuff."
"Oh." I hummed.
"He's always been that way though. He didn't go to school for chemistry for nothing."
"Pete went to university?" My shoulders fell as I turned to look at Niall.
"Only for one semester, then he dropped out," Niall chuckled, "He's smart, he doesn't need uni to prove that."
"Yeah, he is pretty smart," I whispered to myself, "What does Harry do in his position? I know he got promoted, but..."
"Harry got promoted to, well, basically a manager if that's what you want to call it," Niall made a face, "But Ajax has multiple projects now. He has his business in London, now we've expanded to Madrid and he needed someone to basically oversee everything in Madrid. That's where Harry comes in."
"So, Harry runs the cafe and the stuff with the pharmaceuticals?" I asked while drying my hands with a towel.
"Gracie runs the cafe when Ajax isn't there, which is ninety-nine percent of the time," Niall smirked, "Harry deals with the clients, making sure that we get their orders and that it gets delivered accordingly. It's a really stressful job."
"I can't imagine that it's stressful," I mumbled, "Don't you have delivery people for that?"
"No, not exactly. Since Ajax just expanded, it's just us. Ajax talked about relocating a few members to Madrid, but nothing is set in stone," Niall cleared his throat, gesturing with his hand for matter of fact, "So, Harry has to do the deliveries and things like that."
"Right, to the pharmacies?" I pried.
The conversation was going exactly the way I needed it to. Niall was willingly giving me the information I wanted. Of course, I knew what Harry did, but the more information I had, the less I could question Harry about the second phone in the drawer. I didn't want him to think I was going through his things while he wasn't here, but it wasn't my fault anyway. Anyone would've tried to find the buzzing noise.
"It's a bit more complex than that."
"How so?"
"Because we don't deal with pharmacies," Niall waved, scrunching his brows, "We deal with business', yes, but it's more complex than that."
I moved towards the island, leaning my elbows on the surface as I leaned towards him in curiosity.
"Like what?" I tilted my head.
"Ajax sells drugs at a certain price to help people who need it the most, right?"
"Right."
"But it's more complex than that because we expand more than that. The businesses that we sell to aren't pharmacies, they are distributors. Some of them will distribute to pharmacies, others will do what they will with it."
"So, you're basically a drug dealer." I chuckled quietly.
"We'd like to think we are more than just that, Anna. Come on," Niall rolled his eyes with a scoff, "But, if you wanted it in more layman's terms, sure. You could call us that, but Ajax has many more projects than that. He takes pride in what he does, you know?"
I opened my mouth to say something right as the front door cracked open and softly slammed shut. My heart skipped, moving past Niall to see Harry ushering into the living-room with haste. I wondered why, just for a moment, he was moving so fast; but then I was reminded that I told him there was something important that I needed to talk to him about.
The look on Harry's face was nothing short of worried.
"Hey," Harry breathed as he tossed his keys on the table and took my shoulders into his large hands, "Is everything okay?"
I looked behind me, Niall standing there confused. He didn't know that Harry was coming, nor did I mention that I called him. I shifted on my feet nervously.
"Can we talk in private?" I whispered between the two of us.
Harry's eyes softly widened, "Yeah, of course–yeah, let's go in the other room?"
I didn't look back at the confused blonde headed man, not even to assure that it had nothing to do with him, instead we walked into the bedroom and I sat on the bed as Harry closed the door behind him. I felt my anxiety start to pick up, it was certainly due to the short time that I had to think of what to say. Harry stood with his arms crossed over his chest, awaiting for me to speak first.
"What's wrong?" Harry talked slowly, trying to coerce my words out.
"I missed you."
Nope, not what I wanted to say.
"I just saw you yesterday, puppy," Harry chuckled quietly, tilting his head at the sudden seriousness on my face, "I missed you too. Is there anything else–?"
"If something was seriously wrong, you would tell me right?" I breathed quietly, picking at the strays on my pants, "You would say something?"
Harry's face relaxed, though still his expression in deep confusion.
"I suppose it depends," He said carefully, moving to sit next to me, "It depends on what the subject was."
"So, say that the church was back–,"
"Is this what you wanted to talk about?" Harry sighed tiredly, "Anna, I already told you not to worry."
"But you would tell me, wouldn't you?" I gazed at him with a serious expression.
Silence fell over us, Harry's lips pursed in thought as his head dropped. My lips parted. It wasn't a hard question. It shouldn't have been something to contemplate over.
"You wouldn't, would you?" I was hurt, a pang of it radiated through my chest.
"You said you wanted normal, I am giving you what you want, is that not enough?" Harry chuckled in confusion, "If you're asking if they are back, the answer is no. If they ever came back, I don't–well, Anna, I don't know what I would say. It's not something I thought about."
"But there is always a chance of it happening–,"
"Slim to none."
"Can you listen to me?" I stood to my feet, fists balled by my side, "Do you see what is happening to your mother in the hospital, Harry? Am I the only one that is putting two and two together? I mean, fuck, I feel like I'm being gaslit."
Harry's body tensed, "I understand that it looks weird."
"No, it doesn't just look weird, it is weird! Are you trying to tell me that you haven't thought about them coming back since she's been in the hospital?" I tried to graze this lightly without starting a fight, but I was getting worked up.
I knew I shouldn't say anything about what Gracie told me, I was desperately trying to hold it in. But I was trying to make Harry realize that they were back and that they could very well be the reason why Jackie was in the hospital.
"Okay," Harry breathed, face in his hands as he rubbed it tiredly, then stood to tower over me, "I'm not gonna lie, the thought crossed my mind, but I know it's not them."
"How do you know?" I sized him up.
"I just know," Harry scoffed in defense, "We would know if they were back, Anna. We would've known a long time ago. From the second they stepped foot back in Madrid."
"How do you know they aren't in Madrid?" I said quickly, folding my arms over my chest with a knowing look.
Harry went silent, there was a sense of frustration on his face. He scoffed, throwing his hands in the air as he paced the room. For a moment, if I was smart, I would've thought for a second that I caught him in something; something that he shouldn't have said. Something he knew he shouldn't have said.
"I don't know where they are, Anna, I was just saying–," Harry inhaled sharply, then saying slower, "I was just saying...we would know. That's all I'm trying to tell you."
"Okay, well," I threw my hands in the air, "Either you're hiding something or you guys are terribly shit at what you do. It's so obvious to everyone around us, that knows, that something isn't right here."
"Come on, Anna."
I paused for a moment, trying to regain my thoughts. One wrong thing said from here could easily turn into a fight. I needed to think, I needed a clear head, but between Harry and Gracie, and everyone else giving me their different opinions or facts; I was at a loss. My mind was jumbled up.
"What about Nathan?" I finally said, staring at the floor. At the mention, Harry flinched as if I raised a hand to him, when I looked at him, his lips were tightly pressed together, "He mysteriously died. He was on the way to recovery, he was supposed to be released and recovered. Then he died," I whispered, wiping my sweaty palms off on my pants, "Then the same thing happened to Jackie."
Harry was starting to get annoyed now, his movements were showing it. His curls fell onto his forehead, jaw moving back and forth as his lips parted to say something. It was unfair that someone so frustrated could look so handsome, my mind almost went elsewhere, but I brought myself back. I had to stand my ground.
"Tell me I'm not crazy." I whispered.
"You're not crazy, Anna." Harry whispered back.
"Then just–if you know something, just tell me. Please, Harry. I don't want you to hide stuff like this from me, if you know something then–,"
His lips smashed against mine so suddenly. I felt so desperate, so tired, I could crumble in his arms and fall apart for many reasons. For the kiss. For the truth. For someone to just hear me out for once and tell me what the fuck was going on.
But still, I kissed him back, soft, then hard. Then soft again. A crime I committed in not losing my fingers in his hair, or pushing myself against him in hopes he could feel how desperate I was for the truth, how crazy I felt the last few days, or even possibly; telling him that the church was back without having to say it directly to him.
Could my kiss not tell him the truth? How could he not taste the poison on my tongue?
"I know of nothing," Harry said against my lips, moving my dark hair out of my face, "That is the truth. I don't know anything."
"You swear?" I whined softly, furrowing my brows as I met his gaze.
"Swear," Harry breathed, his thumb rubbing against my cheek, "How's the medicine? Maybe we could talk to the doctor about upping your dose if you're having bad anxiety, yeah?"
"Maybe..." I drew out, putting my head against his chest.
He kissed my hair, "We can talk to them about it, then. I don't want you to worry."
I felt crazy, maybe it was a side effect of the medicine, or maybe it was a genuine concern of mine. I couldn't tell anymore. I pulled out of his arms and walked to the side of his bed.
"There was a buzzing noise last night," I gestured to his drawer, "And I found this." I pulled the phone out and showed it to him.
Harry's eyes widened, he took a quick step towards me, only to slow it and stop at the end of the bed.
"Give me that." He demanded softly with his hand out.
"What is it?" I withheld it from him.
"It's my work phone, just give it to me." Harry nearly seethed, taking another step closer to me.
I teetered. I could give it to him, or I could just not. I could see how far he was willing to go to take it from me. Poke the bear. Something was telling me that Harry knew something and that he was withholding it from me, just as I the phone. I chewed on my lip.
"I've never seen this phone before, why?"
"Because it's my–," Harry sighed heavily in annoyance, "Anna, it's my work phone. That's why. When have you ever known me to be on my phone at home?"
"But it's never been a thing until now, has it?" I stared daggers, "Why?"
Harry's shoulders tensed up, his face pinched in anger.
"What is wrong with you?" Harry spat, "I left it here because I've been at the hospital. I didn't really feel like taking my phone to the hospital when my mum is on her fucking death bed," He took a step closer to me, now he was towering over me and I flinched as his hand grasped the phone and jerked it out of my hands, "Do you not trust me?"
I studied his eyes, it was unfair for me to say that I didn't. I did. With everything in me, in the history of us, I have trusted him. I could blame it on my head, I could blame it on Ajax for being so goddamn sneaky; but in the end, I was projecting on Harry, but if he really wanted to protect me, he wouldn't tell me anything, would he?
"I do." I whispered, it was half a lie.
Harry parted his lips to say something, then shook his head. He opened the phone, scanning over the text messages I had snooped through last night, then closed the phone and shoved it into his pocket.
"I would like to keep you and my work life separate. I need you to understand that, Anna," Harry said in a harsh, yet so soft tone.
I stayed silent, staring at him.
"Say you understand." He demanded with a glare.
"I understand." I breathed, defeated.
"Good girl." Harry kissed the top of my head once more.
Harry inspected the outside of the phone once more, sighing as he slid it back into his pocket.
"I will take care of everything, I just need you to–," Harry paused, running his hand through his hair in stress, "Just trust me, okay?"
"Okay," I chewed my lip, "I will."
"I have to go back to the hospital now, but I'll see you in a few days, okay?" Harry's features were more softened now.
"Okay."
"I love you." Harry frowned, when I stood and stared at him, his shoulders slouched.
"I love you too." I said quietly.
Harry left and I had a sudden urge to tear up the room, but I didn't. Instead, I composed myself and walked back out to the living-room.
"Niall?"
Silence filled the air.
I walked into the kitchen, it was empty. I looked in the bathroom and the door was open. I turned on my heel, walking back into the living-room. Did he leave? I didn't mean to make things uncomfortable between all of us. I'd hoped he didn't hear our conversation in the other room. Just as I was about to give up, I saw figures moving out of the corner of my eye.
I walked to the tall windows where the figures were, but stood a safe distance away as not to be seen. Outside, Harry and Niall were talking. I couldn't make out what they were saying, it would be too obvious to walk outside and try to eavesdrop. Harry's face was stern, not the softened look he had just moments ago in the bedroom. His arms accentuated exactly how annoyed he was, even gesturing towards the window which made me move against the bookcase to hide myself.
When I heard a car door slam, I moved myself to look back out the window. Harry was leaving and Niall was coming back into the house. I quickly moved away from the window and sat on the couch. I had nothing to busy myself with, I looked suspicious. I grabbed the TV remote and started to flip through the channels just as Niall came back into the house.
"Hey." I said plainly.
"Hey," Niall avoided eye contact, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked towards the couch, "Wanna go do something today?"
"No thanks, I'm busy." I hummed.
"What're you doing?" Nial pried.
"I'm seeing Rina today."
"You should invite her over."
"Why?" I moved my gaze to him, pinching my brows, "Me and her are going out for coffee."
"Oh," Niall scratched his neck, "Well, you should invite her over here for coffee."
"I want fresh air."
"There's a field outside."
Why was he fighting me on this? I stared at him, placing the remote down as I stood to my feet. I knew he was acting weird because Harry told him what I had said. It didn't make what Harry said any more believable, but the question was; Did I want to play along, or did I want to act dumb?
I parted my lips, "Sure, I'll invite her over."
Niall smiled, "Grea–,"
"Since I'm being held like a hostage again," I fanned my eyes, pouting my bottom lip out, "You know, my depression has gotten worse with Harry and Jackie. I don't see Gracie much anymore..." I drew out in a whine, half crying as I sniffled, "I've been going through a lot and feeling like this in my own home is so..."
Niall's face dropped, eyes widened as I took pity on myself. It was half the truth. Of course, I laid it on thick. Something about Niall breathing down my neck made me feel claustrophobic. I needed to get out of the house, I needed to be alone.
"Oh, that's not..."
"And you know, I was thinking about visiting my mom's grave today too," I whispered under a breath, wiping away the fake tears, "But I guess...I guess I'll just stay here."
Niall sighed, defeated, "I didn't know you were going through that, I'm sorry," He paused, frowning, "You should get out. I think it would be good for you. I didn't know that you visited your mom's grave."
"I haven't since..." I trailed off, rubbing my arm, "The guilt is too much...I just thought, maybe I could give myself closure...go see her..."
"You should." Niall pulled me into a hug.
I smiled lightly, though he couldn't see it. When he pulled away from the hug, I put the frown back on my face with my glossy eyes.
"I'm sorry, Anna. Just text me and let me know when you're on the way home?"
"Of course, I just need some alone time today."
As I grabbed my keys and my coat, I walked out the door and drew up an imaginary scoreboard.
Anna: one.
Men: zero.
I was telling the truth about Rina. I promised her that I would be seeing her this weekend, we had texted on and off since she had told me she wanted to explain herself. It wasn't full length conversations, but it was something.
Our friendship wasn't anything deep, but it didn't take much for me to feel bad for Rina. If she was going through something that would make her run through a restaurant just to try and get away from it, then there had to have been something terrible happening.
It was just so odd.
I made it to the coffee shop and sat at an empty table, I'd already ordered myself an iced chai latte and was sipping down the sweet contents gradually. When I looked out the window, I saw Rina getting out of her car and walking to the entrance.
Rina looked tired, I hated to observe her in that way, but she did. There were bags under her eyes, there wasn't much fierceness as there was from the day I met her. The way she carried herself was worrisome for anyone to come across; I could tell that she was in some sort of trouble.
"Hey, sorry I'm late." Rina tossed her book bag into one of the seats as she pulled a chair out to sit down. She offered a tired smile.
"That's okay, how are you?" I smiled back at her, but I couldn't help but to study her slouched figure, "Are you going to get coffee?"
"No, I'm okay, really," She sighed, straightening her posture as she gave me a once over, "So, I guess you've been wondering what happened to me..."
I didn't expect her to get into business so quickly.
"Considering the last time I saw you was...odd," I gave her a look, "Yes, I've been wondering here and there."
"I'm really sorry," She apologized again with her bottom lip quivering, "I don't know how to explain it, it's been a really weird and confusing and...scary time."
Rina waved her hand, "If I say it, you won't believe me," She chuckled, "It's something out of a movie."
My eyes widened softly, a smirk just barely tugging on my lips.
"Try me." I challenged.
Rina didn't know about anything we had been through in the last year. Not that it was a competition, it definitely wasn't, but when she mentioned something out of a movie; I wanted to spill everything in that moment.
Because if it was so, my life would be a fucked up horror movie.
"My ex is after me," Rina pinched the bridge of her nose, hiding a shy smile that told me she felt as though she was being dramatic, "He's...a terrible person. The night I saw you guys at the restaurant, I was passing through because I was running from the bar behind it. My ex showed up and tried to threaten me, Blaze got in the way of it and I ran."
There was a glimmer in her eyes as she spoke, she lowered her head.
"To throw him off, I ran through the restaurant and I saw you all and I sat down to try and blend in," Rina whispered quietly, "I know it's really stupid, I'm sorry. My life isn't all sunshines and rainbows. I feel like a bad person because I just—with the cops..."
"Hey," I frowned, "There's no reason to be sorry. It was weird...but it's because we don't know each other well. If anything, we were worried for you. You ran out of the place with this ghostly look, we thought something terrible had happened."
"My ex isn't too terrible, but he is really shit," Rina breathed, holding her chin in her palm, "I lost all of my friends because of him because he secluded me into this weird—," When she realized she was talking too much, she stopped, sighing, "My group is the only people I have. They are like a family to me, for a long time it's been that way."
Hearing that Rina was going through something with her ex was shattering. I only wished there was something I could do, but reality was that I'd never dated before and I didn't know how to deal with those kinds of ex's.
"I'm really sorry, Rina. Is there anything I can do?"
"No," She chuckled quietly, "No, it's fine. He's going to continue to be that way because he wants to control me, but I'm not going to let him," Rina said proudly, "And I really wanted to meet with you and explain everything so...thanks. And...sorry, again."
I shook my head, "Please don't be sorry. You're going through a lot."
"I appreciate it," Rina smiled softly, "So, how have you been?"
I chuckled quietly, pursing my lips deep in thought.
"That's a loaded question." I smirked.
"Can't be any worse than a crazy ex, right?" Rina jokes lightly.
"Oh, haha, try me," I layered on a thick sarcastic tone, but it wasn't sarcastic at all. It was worse in the aspect of things, "But, I don't want to talk about it. It's a whole mess. Boyfriend's mom is in the hospital, feeling a little crazy..."
"Oh shit, is she okay?" Rina's lips parted.
"Oh, no. She's, um...to put it lightly, she's on her way out. Harry's really been on edge, but we are trying our best. Taking each day, you know?" I pressed my lips together tightly with a nod.
"That sucks, dude. I'm sorry," She sighed, "Seems like we've both been going through some shit."
"Yeah, well, life hates me and I hate it," I rolled my eyes in annoyance.
"Totally get it."
"So, you and Niall?" I changed the subject, sending a knowing smile towards her.
"Oh, stop," She flicked her wrist, "We are just friends. He's a sweet guy, though. Really open minded. I feel terrible for bringing him to the track a while ago, not gonna lie."
"Did he tell you about his ex?" I wavered, taking another sip of my drink.
"Yeah, he did." Rina whispered.
"It's a sensitive subject for him," I said, "I'm shocked he told you so soon."
"Yeah, I felt like a grade A asshole too," She scoffed with laughter, "What are the odds? I felt sick. There's been so many close calls for me, hearing his story made me think a little differently about what we do."
"Are you going to stop then?"
"Oh, no, it's my livelihood. I think...just being more careful." Rina emphasized with a smirk, she started fiddling with the strings on her hoodie.
"I get it," I finished the rest of my drink, pushing it to the side, "Hey, um... I have a question?"
"Shoot." Rina gestured her fingers as a make believe gun.
"Where we met..." I lowered my voice, though there were barely any people around, "At the shooting range?"
"Yeah?" Rina's brow perked.
"Why is that owner so weird?" I chuckled, trying to pass off my nerves, "I don't mean to be rude, but he was a little off-putting, right?"
"Who? Ricky?" Rina threw her head back in laughter with a soft snort, "No, he's sketchy, but he's always like that. He fought in the war a long time ago," She hummed, "He is very paranoid about a lot of shit. He doesn't like strangers, he's a hard shell to crack—it's just how he is, honestly."
"Huh," I nod with my bottom lip pouted out, "That makes a lot of sense."
"Not a lot of people know about his shooting range. It's off limits to the public, of course, because it's illegal," Rina nodded to herself, scratching the back of her neck, "But, he is a chill guy when you get to know him. He has his little weird things about him, but—," She shrugged.
"If I didn't know any better, I really thought he was going to try and hurt me or something," I laughed nervously, "The way he was looking at me when we showed up made me fear for my life."
"It's because people have tried to bust him before. Cops will show up without warrants, undercover, trying to investigate the place. He invited Niall, so I guess when you showed up, he got sketched out by you."
My brows lifted, "I never thought about it like that..." I trailed off.
That made so much more sense.
"Never judge a book by its cover, Anna," Rina wagged her finger playfully, "But, I get it," Suddenly her phone buzzed from her pocket and she pulled it out to look at it, "Huh."
I glanced down at her phone, "What is it? Everything okay?"
"Yeah, Niall's texting me," She said as she tapped away on her phone, "He wanted to see if we could hang out later."
My brows furrowed. Is he really doing this with me?
"Interesting," I hummed, "Tell him you're with me."
"I did," Rina put the phone down, focusing back on me, "He's cute, isn't he? I mean, I know you have a boyfriend, but isn't he?"
"Yeah, he is," I tapped my finger to my chin, "I think he likes you."
"Oh, I know he does," Rina smirked softly, very self assured, "I like him too. I like how shy he gets around me. It's cute."
"Shy?" I cackled out, almost howling in laughter with my hand over my mouth, "That's fucking rare."
"Yeah, he's really shy. It's endearing," She looked back down at her phone, tilting her head, "We should go on a double date sometime. What do you think?"
"I think that would be nice." I liked the idea, it sounded fun.
"We can set it up sometime. But—," She sighed as she started to gather her things, "I hate to cut it short, but I have to go. Me and Blaze have to work on his car today. He fucked up his engine and it's a whole thing," She rolled her eyes in annoyance, while I tried to nod as if I knew anything about cars.
"Can we catch up another time?" I stood with her, grabbing my things as well.
"Oh, of fucking course. I'm surrounded by men all the time, it's nice to finally have a girlfriend." Rina blushed at her own words.
"I totally get it nowadays." I chuckled quietly.
"Text me?"
"Yeah!"
We said our goodbyes and parted ways. I got into my car and put the keys into the ignition, starting the engine. I pulled out of the parking lot of the coffee shop, and started back home.
The truth was obvious, that I wasn't going to see my mom's grave. It had been months since she died, the only time I had seen her grave was at the funeral; even then I didn't stay long. I couldn't stomach it. I had even contemplated not going, saying that I had to work, but I went and I felt like anyone at any point was going to point me out and scream that I murdered her.
I would never forget the paranoia I had for a couple months after. Any time I found myself in a conversation about her, I'd start to sweat and stutter. It was easier to come to terms with now, and much easier for me to talk about.
It was something I couldn't take back, but I knew deep down that it was an accident. Some people wouldn't have thought so, especially if they found out that I was covering it up. If I'd just let her lay there, I wouldn't have been tampering with a crime scene; but because I hid it that it was me, I was guilty.
Guilty anyway, but even more so guilty.
I acted almost like I meant to kill her. Like the fall had a set intention, and that was to get rid of the problem that I had all my life.
That was far from the truth.
But as I gripped the steering wheel, I felt myself become overwhelmed with that feeling and it made me sick. I flipped my signal on, pulling over on the side of the road as I kept my eyes ahead. When I let go of the steering wheel my hand shook nervously and I had no choice but to sit on them while I took deep breaths.
I'm a murderer.
There wasn't any escaping that thought. Even if it was something I hadn't thought about in a long time, it didn't change it. I murdered my mom, I killed her in cold blood; I pushed her down the stairs. It was me.
My dad didn't even know.
He had no clue that his own daughter is the reason his wife is dead.
When I opened my eyes, my vision was blurry. The pads of my fingers flicked under my eyes and I noticed that I was crying. I inhaled shakily, staring down at the wetness on my fingers.
I didn't understand how I seemed to be crying. My mom did terrible things to me, she tried to kill me, why was I crying over this? What moved me so deeply to get to this point? Not to mention the medication I took was more of a suppressant, I hardly ever cried nowadays.
Maybe Harry was right, I needed to up my dose.
It wasn't because of some ideal of me being a hysterical woman, it was because feeling nothing at all was better than feeling the guilt and trauma and heartache that I'd been through. It was easier this way, therefore I came to the realization as to why Harry drowned his sorrows in drugs and alcohol.
I suddenly understood.
Because feeling nothing at all was so much easier.
I let out a soft cry, a hand over my mouth as my shoulders shook. I sniffled, trying to keep myself together as I wiped away the tears on my cheeks and took a few more deep breaths. The feeling of relying on something to feel normal was foreign to me until now. I'd never touched a pill, I'd never used something to numb myself; the line of cocaine I had done once wasn't to numb myself.
But it felt, for a moment, that I needed something stronger.
And it scared me.
"Okay," I breathed through a stuffy nose, pulling the mirror down as I checked my mascara and thankfully there wasn't much of anything, but I still cleaned up the small black spots in the corners of my eyes.
"It's fine," I whispered, dabbing my eyes with my fingers, "I'm fine." I reassured myself quietly, but when I looked back in the mirror; the girl I saw before myself was depressed, worried and tired.
She has changed much through her life, at some point unsure of what her life would turn out to be, and now she was living it and it worried her. It worried her, living her life like this.
Sometimes it's okay not to be okay.
"I'm not fine." I was fooling myself.
Intrusive thoughts were circling my mind. I was told not to feel crazy, but I still felt it deeply.
I didn't know how long I sat in my car, but by the time I left the sun was going down. When I got home, I turned the car off and sat there for a few moments in silence. My eyes were still puffy from crying. My lip quivered as I grabbed my things and got out of the car.
I went inside of the house, finding Niall sitting on the couch. I said nothing, setting my things down and immediately walking back to the room.
"You okay, Anna?" Niall said from behind me, still sat on the couch.
"I'm fine." I mumbled, walking into the bedroom and closing the door behind me.
The room was dull, as my mood was, I sat on the bed and stared at the wall. My hands shook, I closed my eyes and rocked my body back and forth slowly as I did deep breathing. I couldn't hold back the secrets. This was how all of this started; secrets.
I hid secrets from everyone around me, if I hadn't of walked into the confessionals that day to finally get it off my chest, I probably would've felt as insane as I did now. I wasn't good at keeping secrets. My fingers slipped from the comforter, they were red from gripping it too tightly. I stood to my feet, walking to the bathroom and preparing my medicine.
I couldn't take this.
I needed this anxious feeling to go away.
As I took my medicine down with water, I heard my phone ringing from the bedroom. I stared at the mirror, wiping away the puffiness under my eyes before taking another deep breath. I walked back into the bedroom, silently listening for the ringing noise. I'd lost my phone. I searched my tote bag, seeing the lit up screen at the bottom.
I went to grab it, then without another beat Niall rushed through the bedroom door with a ghostly look.
"Anna!" Niall looked terrified.
I jumped, dropping my phone back into my bag as I looked at him just as fearful.
"What?! Jesus fuck, Niall!" I took a deep breath with my hand on my chest.
"We need to go," He said hurriedly, rushing into the room as his eyes set on my coat. He grabbed it and threw it towards me, "Now. Get your stuff."
"What? What's happening? You're scaring me, Niall," I shook out, holding my jacket to my chest with a frightened expression, watching as he walked back towards the door to exit.
He looked back at me, "It's Jackie," There was a scared shakiness in his voice, "We need to go now."
I didn't realize it, but the jacket slipped from my grip and landed on the floor. Niall didn't need to say much more, I knew exactly what was happening. Time stood still while the room spun around me. Before I could comprehend it, my bottom was on the bed and I heard my heart hammering in its chest.
Deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
Harry.
I blinked hard, in the midst of an emotional black out, I suddenly had my phone in my hands to see the missed call was from Harry. My mouth went dry. I blinked. Niall was back in front of me, a firm grip on my shoulders, but I couldn't feel his touch. It was almost as if he was a ghost. I looked at his mouth moving, saying things that I couldn't make out. It all came out gibberish. My brows furrowed, lips parted.
"Nnnaa."
"Aannn."
Blink.
"Anna! Hello?" Niall waved his hand, "We have to go!"
I looked up at Niall once more, tears brimming my eyes as I stood to my feet. He left to rush out of the room, but I grabbed his wrist and felt my throat tighten as he looked back at me.
"Wait!" I said in a hoarse voice.
"What?!" Niall gave me a once over, he was just as in panic as I was.
Panicked because he knew his best friend was about to lose his mom. Panicked because he knew exactly what this was going to do to his best friend. Panicked because he knew something that I didn't, panicked because this was the start of something that they couldn't stop.
I looked at Niall, my hand falling by my side as I stood with cemented feet to the floor.
"They're back." I whispered, almost to myself, but Niall heard it.
Niall heard it and his face fell as if it was something I wasn't supposed to know. His gaze ripped away from mine, he took a step towards the door, one hand resting on the doorframe as he stared down at the floor. He then looked back at me, lips parted as a pang of some sort of emotion I couldn't make out washed over him.
"We have to go, Anna," Niall said quietly, "Grab your things."
He knew.
They all knew.
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A/N
guysssssssssss this is the start of the end! buckle up!!
thank you all for 314k! i love you guys and writing this story has been so much fun!! i can't put into words how badly i love you all, and am so grateful for everything. thank you for the support.
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