Ship/duo/trio: platonic snf
Genre: LOTSA angst, and much hurt - comfort.
Plot: George feels really depressed. He has been waiting for his visa to get approved for so long, and everytime he gets an update, it's always "just a few more weeks!" But weeks end up being months. He's exhausted. So tired of getting his hopes up only for them to be crushed once again. He has genuinely considered marrying Dream just to get a green card. All he wanted was to be with his friends. He has been waiting for almost 10 years. No one should have to wait that long just to meet someone you met in a stupid game. So when he reaches out for help, he didn't think Sapnap was serious about paying him a visit.
Trigger warnings: Description of depression, overthinking, implications and mentions of self harm, and mentions of suicide.
AU(s): none
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George has been struggling for quite some time now. Every single update he's gotten for the past 6 months have been "should be just a few more weeks! We'll get back to you as soon as we can," and they never do. And if they do, again, "just a few more weeks!" And it is aggravating. He gets so pissed everytime he reads an update, and he wants to scream or throw his phone across the room, all while holding back saddened tears.
He wanted help. Needed help. He knew there was a good chance he suffered from depression. He's had multiple doctors tell him to check out certain psychologists or specialists, or ask him about his medical history, specifically in the mental/emotional department. Looking back at certain habits and behaviors of his, like skipping classes or not caring where his future leads, laying in his bed and staring at the ceiling while he drowns himself in self deprecation, it was undoubtedly possible that he had depression. He just never cared to actually get diagnosed. But right now, he absolutely needed help. He needed to reach out because where his mental health is right now? It honestly scares him. It terrifies him, how his brain has been functioning lately. No human should ever have to think, or feel the way he is.
So one day, when he is on a call with his friends, Dream and Sapnap, he finally decides to ask for help.
"I think there's something wrong with me," George states bluntly.
"Yeah, your stupidity," Sapnap chuckled.
"No seriously. I think I'm like- depressed or something," George said.
"Wait, what do you mean?" Dream asked, getting rather concerned.
"I mean I like- I don't do anything. I can't bring myself to do anything. I barely have any motivation to get out of bed, I can barely bring myself to eat! And it's not cause I don't want to, it's because I can't bring myself to do anything remotely productive other than talking to you guys. I like- I feel horrible. My house feels so- empty. It's somehow clean, but that's because I can't even bring myself to make a mess of it! If I'm not talking to you guys, I'm laying in my bed just- thinking. And not good thinking either. I want to cry so bad but I'm too tired to let myself. If I'm not with you guys, I'm just- numb. I either feel disgustingly sad, or nothing. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel so bad for not being able to post videos, or even tweet something, but I physically can't make myself. It's like every part of me wants to be productive, but the one thing stopping me is my body. I just-... I want to be with you guys. I feel so like, lonely. Like the only thing keeping me somewhat functioning is knowing I can talk to you guys. I-is that weird? The fact that the only thing keeping me going right now, is you guys?" George ranted. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, and this time a let a few fall. Both Dream and Sapnap's hearts broke after hearing everything he's been going through. They have also been dealing with the devastation and disappointment of not being able to see him, but nowhere near to the extent he has been.
"I-... George, that's not weird at all. That just sounds like severe depression," Dream said. "Have you been to a doctor or something?"
"No. Some other doctors told me to, I just never cared to go. Every single one of them told me there's a good chance I have it though," George answered truthfully as he wiped his tears. As Dream and George continued to talk, Sapnap was in his own little world, thinking. He knew that it wouldn't cure what he's been feeling, but it may help. So what if one of them went down to visit? Well, Dream can't go because George refused to see him until he got his visa, so what if Sapnap went?
"George, what if I came down for a bit? Y'know, maybe stayed with you until things get a bit better? It would definitely be on the longer side, but it could work," Sapnap suggested.
"You should," George said. He had a light smile on his face. Not an appreciative smile though. A doubtful smile. An "I'm keeping up the bit" smile. He didn't think Sapnap was genuinely serious. Sapnap wasn't one to offer kind gestures. If you asked him for a hug because you're feeling down then you'll get the tightest and most comforting hug of your life. But he would never offer one. He never likes to offer kind gestures because of the chance that it's not what they need. He prefers to be asked for a kind gesture because then he knows for a fact he is helping them, because that's what they asked for. George didn't ask him to come over, so him offering that was probably a joke or something. A little joke to lighten the mood.
"Okay. I found tickets for a flight that leaves in about two weeks. If you can survive until then, I'll see you soon," Sapnap said. Geez, he's really determined to keep this bit up. Is he trying to tease him or something? Because this is a sick bit.
"See you then I guess," George responded.
"Also, would it help if we took like 30 minutes just to check up on you? Like everyday, whenever we get on call, we randomly spend like half an hour or so just to check up on you and see how you're doing. Y'know, remind you to eat and drink, shower, anything that's good for you really. Do you think that would help out?" Sapnap asked. George wasn't necessarily sure if this was a joke or not, but when Dream let out an approving hum, he knew it wasn't a joke or bit.
"That- that would actually be really nice," George lightly smiled.
"Okay," Sapnap smiled. "First check up then. Have you eaten today?" He asked.
"Uhm... oh! I did actually. I had some watermelon," George smiled, already feeling proud of himself for something he did hours ago.
"That's great!" Dream exclaimed. "Have you had any water?" He asked.
"I have a water bottle right here," George said and shook it so they could hear. He was also proud of himself for that. Today might be one of his better days.
"Thats awesome, George!" Sapnap smiled, also growing proud. "Is there anything else I particular that you did today you think is worth mentioning?" He asked.
"Uhhh... I took a shower this morning? My hair was getting gross and I don't like when it gets like that," George answered.
"I'm- we're so proud of you," Sapnap smiled. "Can't wait to see you in two weeks." Maybe it wasn't a bit?
"Me neither," George lightly smiled.
...
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...
A week has passed, and George thinks the check-ins are pretty successful. He's noticing that he's trying to pick himself up more. On the days where he really doesn't want to do anything, he does it anyway, and reminds himself that "Nick and Clay will be proud". He only wanted to tell them good news. He only wanted to tell them that yes, he has eaten today, and yes, he has a half empty bottle of water on his desk. He only wants to give them good news. Obviously some days are better than others, but they are always so understanding and supportive through those harder ones. Reminding him to not beat himself up over things like forgetting to shower, or brush his teeth. They remind him that not doing those things aren't his choice. He didn't chose to struggle like this. And it helps. And when they assure him that it's not his fault, he gets more motivation to do it. They are helping him out so much, and he's starting to feel better. And Sapnap mentions the visit every once in a while, so maybe it wasn't just some cruel bit? Maybe.
...
_
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...
George needed help. No one should ever feel like this. His own mind was scaring him. He felt his chest tightening. Like a rubber band that was being pulled slightly too hard. He's so scared of what he could do to himself, and quite frankly, it's taking all of his willpower not to. He needed help more than ever. Right now all he wanted was for Sapnap to be here. Then at least someone is making sure he doesn't do anything stupid.
After hours of contemplating, he finally decided to call him. He grabbed his phone with shaky hands, and went to Sapnap's contact. He called him, and it took maybe two rings before he heard an unknowing voice chirp "hello?"
"Nick-" George sobbed. The fear and sadness in his voice made Sapnap's heart drop. In their 7 years of friendship, he had never heard George like that. He had never heard so much devastation in his voice, and it scared him.
"Woah, woah, George what's wrong?" Sapnap quickly asked.
"I can't- Nick I'm sca-" George couldn't even form a sentence. Cutting himself off with sobs or sharp breaths. He wasn't hyperventilating, or panicking, he was just sobbing. He was so scared for himself, and he felt sorry for himself. He felt so heartbroken knowing that this is how he had to feel so regularly.
"Hey hey it's okay! What's scaring you?" Sapnap calmly asked, sitting down on the edge of his bed where he had just stood from.
"M-myse-" another sob.
"Yourself?" Sapnap repeated. He thought for a moment, but then got an idea of what that could mean. And he didn't like that idea. "George, can you try to breathe for a moment? This is gonna be difficult if we can't communicate properly," Sapnap said, trying his best to sound calm and collected even though he swears his heart could fall out of his chest with how fast it was beating right now.
He listened to George try to steady his sobs, trying his best to take deep breaths, and become less hysterical.
"You think you're good now?" Sapnap softly asked.
"Y-yeah," George responded, sniffling.
"That's good," Sapnap subtly praised. "What do you mean when you say you're scared of yourself?" Sapnap asked. There was silence on the other end for a moment. The silence where you could tell someone was trying to think. Trying to find a way to word something appropriately.
"I'm scared of what I could... uh... do.. to myself?" George tried to explain in a less intimidating way. He didn't want to scare Sapnap like he was scaring himself. "I-" George sighed, giving up on trying to word things modestly. He knew Sapnap would want the truth, and this was not something to try and rationalize to the comfort of someone. He needed to be straight forward. "Nick, I'm scared of what I'm capable of. I'm not in a state to be alone right now. I'm a danger to myself. And I'm scared because of how much I was genuinely considering following through," George thoroughly explained. Sapnap could feel himself tearing up at the thought of losing his friend. His best friend. He knew George was a rational man, but that thought and knowledge was still terrifying.
"George..." Sapnap said, quickly swallowing and trying to suppress his tears, succeeding.
"I'm not suicidal or anything. At least I don't think? Fuck man, this is confusing," George struggled.
"Yeah these things are confusing," Sapnap agreed.
"I don't want to die. I know that. I just- I'm fucking miserable over here. A-and I honestly thought for a moment that death would be better than being alone, without you guys," George rambled, tearing up again. "I-I.. I wanted to hurt myself. Like, genuinely hurt myself, Nick. I-I was so fucking close to actually doing it. You know how fucking scary that is? It's fucking terrifying. I don't even know why I considered it. I had no real reason to. I just- wanted to. It almost felt like I needed to," He finished, tears streaming down his face again. "I can't be alone right now."
"And I don't trust you to. When I get there, we're seeing someone and you're getting help. A psychologist, doctor, might even go to the ER if we have to, but I can not leave you behind if this is how you feel. I would try to send you there now, but I know that would probably be really stressful to go alone. I've already started packing, you just need to wait less than two days and I'll be there. But for now, you need to get on discord where Clay can join us, and we're staying on there as long as we can because I don't trust you to be on your own right now," Sapnap instructed. George was honestly shocked at how well he was handling everything. But he also felt genuinely cared for, and that made him lightly smile, and wipe his tears.
"Okay. And uh- Nick?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you give Clay context? I don't want to have to go over it again."
"Of course," Sapnap agreed. He could hear the remnants of his previous anxiety starting to spike again in his voice. "George?"
"Yes?"
"It's gonna be okay. We're going to get through this, all three of us. I promise," Sapnap assured.
"Are you-"
"Positive. We're going to help you every step of the way. It's going to be okay." Sapnap promised.
"Thank you," George lightly smiled, feeling safer already. "I just feel bad putting you through all of this," He said.
"We'd go through much worse if we lost you."
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He's... fine. He's not miserable like he has been these last few days. Maybe it's because this is the day Sapnap is allegedly arriving. He still doubts that for some stupid reason. Most of him is excited for his arrival, but a part of him is telling him to calm the fuck down, because he's not coming. It's stupid how his mind works like that. How most of his agrees on one thing, but one little voice objects, and that's what seems to set in for him.
So now, he was doing some random routine that he had kind of picked up on. He got up, brushed his teeth, didn't bother to shower. He didn't stink, he just had messy hair. He ate a granola bar from some random box he doesn't remember getting, and sat down on his couch, watching a show that he started a while ago.
Just when the episode ended, he got a call from Dream. He lightly smirked at the timing, and picked the phone up. "Hello?"
"Hi! I would've done this later, but given that Nick's on his way there and all that shit, I thought I'd just check in," Dream kindly explained. Oh. On his way? If he actually was coming, how far had be gotten? When did his plane leave? Was he already driving to his house? How much longer did he have to wait?
"Oh, okay. Uhmmm I just woke up about 20 minutes ago so I haven eated a lot yet, but I had a granola bar. I have a cup of water right next to me, and uh... I brushed me teeth this morning?" George said. "I know a granola bar isn't a lot, I just didn't have the energy to cook, or prepare anything for that matter."
"No it's okay! I'm just proud that you managed to eat anything at all. Don't beat yourself up. This is hard, George, and we understand that. Nick left a while ago so he should be there in an hour or less. He'll be proud either way, don't stress," Dream assured, a light smile evident in his voice.
"Okay," George said a smile forming on his face. Maybe Sapnap actually was coming.
"I would talk more, but I've gotta go pick my sister up from school, so I'll talk to you later?" Dream said.
"Talk to you later," George agreed, and hung up. Just before he put his phone down, he saw a text sent hours ago from Sapnap, saying;
"Just arrived at the airport! See you soon :)"
Hm. Guess he really is coming then. He just shrugged and continued on to the next episode. He would find out soon enough if he was actually coming.
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An hour has passed. In this time, he took a shower, and even made his bed. His excitement is getting the best of him.
*knock, knock, knock*
Who could that be? Did Sapnap actually come? Had he seriously been doubting his promise for no reason? Be walked over to the door, and opened the door.
And there he stood. There he stood with his stupid black hat covering his fluffy brown hair that couldn't help but curl out from under it. There he stood with his blueish green eyes, that looked to be filled with both excitement and worry. There he stood in a black hoodie and sweatpants. There he stood. Infront of his eyes. There was no denying that he was here. He didn't even have any bags with him. Did he bring any? That didn't matter right now.
"Y-you actually came?" George awed, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He wasn't sure why.
"You called." Sapnap simply stated. George couldn't believe it. He was here. Standing outside his house. In London. He flew all this way for him. To be there with him. To help him. He actually fucking cared.
George couldn't believe it. His best friend of almost 8 years was standing in front of him, his only intention being to help. To care for him. To hold his hands through the scary stuff. To cheer him on. He couldn't believe it.
"I-" He was dumbfounded really. Not being able to form words through his many thoughts, and forming tears that he already knew were going to come out. "Holy fuck you're actually fucking here," George remarked as he pulled Sapnap in for the tightest hug he would ever receive. The tears fell as Sapnap quickly hugged him back.
"Of course I am, silly," Sapnap sympathetically giggled. He pulled away and saw the tears on George's face, immediately growing concerned. "Woah hey! What's wrong?" He asked as he immediately reached a hand out to wipe the tears, not caring if his hand gets wet.
"I just- I don't know, didn't expect you to actually come here I guess," George softly chuckled as Sapnap wiped his face dry.
"Well I would never lie about that," Sapnap promised. "So! What do you want to do first?" Sapnap asked as George invited him in.
"Do you wanna stream?"
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And they streamed. Sapnap stayed there for a longgg time. He convinced George to go to the ER after calming him down from an anxiety attack due to another bout of harmful ideologies. He was obviously anxious to go, but Sapnap promised he would be there with him as much as he could, and he was. When they got there, he spoke to a doctor that specialized in psychology, and George was in a worse state than they thought. They said that they wanted to keep George in their psych department until they thought it was safe for him to leave. George was obviously really anxious, but they promised that Sapnap could stay with him all day if he had to.
After a few weeks of observing his behaviors and having more talks with him, they felt he was safe to go. But they gave him some recommendations as well as safety precautions he would have to take. They recommended a therapist that they wanted him to see at least twice a week, and they had a private conversation with Sapnap as well. They told him as much as HIPAA allowed, and gave him instructions to assure George's safety. "However long you planned to stay, stay longer." They told him certain things and behaviors to watch out for, how he can help him, and other precautions he would have to take. They also recommended maybe looking at therapy as an option at some point, because just being around such a serious situation can cause problems. Sapnap thanked them and took the card, because who knows what will happen?
But in the end, everyone knew that George would be okay. He's strong. He can make it through this, just like he has before with other difficult situations. Sapnap could already see much more improvement after their visit to the ER. And George was seeing much more improvement in himself. All three of them still did their daily check-ins. And every day George has something new that he was proud of. Sure Sapnap nags him sometimes, and it's annoying, but he knows that he only does it out of concern. And besides, it's better to have someone nagging you, than no one at all.
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3685 words
Lol I started writing this like months ago, I just never got to finishing it. I never realized how much this book needed George angst 🤔🤔🤔
MORE?👀 (lol jk... unless...)