The week came and went in the blink of an eye. We all did things to help Misty out, and the guys and I were even able to practice hockey a little bit. Thursday we had Oaklynn's Nana's funeral, and it was beautiful. The way the town talked about her made all of us cry, and the stories that were shared made us laugh.
Now, we are getting back in our routine of school, hockey, and sleep. This past week has completely messed up our sleep schedules. We'd stay up late playing card games- which I am proud to admit that my girlfriend and her family are very very competitive- we had a little bonfire in the backyard, and even watched horror movies.
"Maddox! Get your head on the right way, we have a game to play in less than a week!" Coach Hogg yells. I shake my head to rid my thoughts, and start focusing on the little game my team has set up.
We start with a face off, and Dustin's team wins it. We skate down one end of the ice, and Dean gets it in our possession, so we change direction. He passes it to me, and I line up to take the shot. I miss. I miss a straight shot, almost right against the net. I wasn't covered, no one was right on me, and I missed.
"Maddox, get over here." Coach says, and I skate to him. I undo my helmet, and he gives me a look of concern, "What's going on today? You did decent these past few days, what's going on?" He asks, and I shrug.
Nothing is wrong. In fact, everything is right, so right. I'm just worried that it'll all come crashing down soon. "Nothing Coach, just in my head." I confess, and he nods. "I'll do better, I promise." And I do, because hockey is one of the most important things to me. I might not plan to go to the NHL, but hockey has been there when I've needed it to be.
"Is it about that girl? Oaklynn?" He asks, and I nod. "Let me guess, you think it's too good to last, so you are waiting for it to fail because that's what you are used to?" He hits the nail on the head. When I don't answer, he takes my silence as a yes. "Tell her how you feel. Clearly you love her, I don't know anyone who would put their hockey and school on hold for a week, not when they've never done that before," he pauses, "tell her how you are feeling. How you are worried it'll fail, how much you love her, and whatever else you need to tell her. I know you're young and dumb, but communication is key to making it work." He nods to himself, and I mock him.
Just tell her how you feel. That's easy enough right? "I will, Coach." I say, and he nods. "Am I good to go?" I ask, and he looks at the team who's now running drills.
"Nah, we're calling it for the day." He tells me, then turns to the ice. "Wrap up! See you all tomorrow!" He yells, and they skate off the ice. "I'll see you tomorrow, and you'll be in a better mindset?" He questions, and I nod.
Do better. I need to do better. My head needs to be in the game, and my heart needs to take a break in the locker room during my games. People need my attention on the ice, and the girl who has my heart needs me off the ice. I need to get that in my head, right now.
I know Oaklynn and hockey are important to me, but I need to have them split. When I'm on the ice, hockey will be on my mind. When I'm off the ice, Oaklynn will be on my mind.
When I get into the locker room, most of the team is already in there. Dustin, Wren and Bryce are looking at me with a weird look, that I brush off. Unfortunately, they don't. "What'd Coach want to talk to you about?" Wren and Bryce ask at the same time.
"Just that I need to get my head in the game, and that I need to talk to Oaklynn about what I'm feeling. He thinks it'll help my head be in the game." I say, and they nod. I know what I need to tell her, something that I've been feeling like I need to tell her since Misty asked if I loved her, but I feel like it's too soon.
They go to say something, and I shrug them off to take a shower. My shower is a quick one, because I need to see Oaklynn. I need to tell her everything I'm feeling. When I get back into the main part of the locker room, no one is in there. They're either still on the ice- against Coaches wishes- or in the shower.
I dress in a record time, and head out to my truck. I all but race home, with my plan fresh in my head. I know what I'm going to say, I know what I need to talk to her about, and what needs to be talked about between us. So the moment I get inside the house, I run up the stairs, and straight to Oaklynn's room.
Since I am not an animal, I knock, "Come in." Oaklynn's sweet voice travels from behind the door. I take a few breaths, and push the door open. When she looks up from her desk, she smiles, "Hey Land, how was practice?"
I smile back, walking over to her, and dropping a kiss on her head. "It was okay. I was wondering if we could talk for a bit?" I ask, and her face drops. "It's nothing bad I promise. I just want to tell you a few things, and make sure we are on the same page." I explain, and she nods.
I sit down on her bed, and she follows me. "What do we need to talk about? I thought we were on the same page, but I'm glad to talk about what you think we need extra reassurance on." She tells me, and I nod. So far, so good.
"I just want to talk about the future. If you want one, if you even thought about it, and all that." I pause, and she nods. "I've already thought about it, Oaklynn. I see us with a couple kids, and a few dogs. I see us renting our families an airbnb for the holidays, or having a big enough house for them to have their own guest rooms. Also, I see a wedding in a shop with beer, and four wheelers to take out to the back of some land where the reception is going to be at, and you and Ivy or whoever else you choose to be bridesmaids in long flowy dresses," she nods.
I give her a small smile, "I see our families taking trips to go ski, or to some place we've always wanted to go. When I think about the future, you're in it. So is Rebel and Momma Misty. The future without you gives me anxiety, and even though there are all these plans in my head that we'll be happy and have kids, there's still this unsure part that you aren't in. "I know that things happen, and we might break up, but honestly, I don't want to think of that possibility. My future has you in it, and our crazy moody friends, and our crazy competitive families."
She gives me a smile, and I let her take all that information in. After a few seconds, I continue my speech, "I am in love with you, Oaklynn. I have been since you walked through the doors that first day. And truthfully, I never believed in love at first sight. When my dad told me he was in love with Ruth the moment he saw her, I told him he was insane, that love at first sight doesn't exist in real life. I guess at some point, everyone eats their words. Love at first sight is real, but it takes a special person, someone who you know is deeper than their looks and deeper than their flaws.
"I know it's been a short amount of time, but I don't think love has a time limit on it. You might not love me right now, and that's okay. I'm pretty sure my love for you is enough for both of us right now, I just ask that soon you can find it in your heart to love me, and if you can't then at least don't make me love both of us forever." I stop, and she nods.
She looks confused, like the day we met. The day I fell in love with her. Love at first sight is special and strange. It'll drive you insane. The person will consume your thoughts, your conversations, and your social media feed- not that I am proud of that. They'll also consume your heart. You decide what you do with that love.
When she doesn't say anything within the two minutes I've waited for a response, I nod. "I'll leave you with your thoughts." I drop a kiss on her head. "You know where to find me when you're ready to talk." I tell her. She gives no answer, she doesn't move, so I leave her room.
When I am out of her room, I let out a long breath. Was it too much too soon? Did I go overboard? Did I say the right things? Maybe a guy's never told her he loved her, and she doesn't know how to take it. Her silence is definitely not really helping the situation. I pictured me telling her how I feel, and her saying it back, then we cuddle or fuck, or whatever people do after saying the L word.
Since she clearly needs time, I take a better shower, and this time I take my time. After my shower, I need to call my dad, and I need to talk to Ruth too. They'll know what to do, they always do.
Getting out of the shower, I grab my phone, and immediately call my dad. He answers on the first ring, "What's up kid?" He asks, and I feel instant relief. "Don't tell me, you told her you loved her, she didn't say anything back, and now you are on the brink of having a panic attack?" He questions, and I groan.
One thing I hate, my father always knows what's wrong. Before I even have to tell him. "Yes, you're right. What should I do?" I ask, and he laughs. The asshole laughs at my panic. "If I wanted to be laughed at, I would have called Dustin." I tell him, and he sobers up.
"Right, did you two ever fix your issue? You know Christmas is coming up, and we don't want two Grinchs this year." He chuckles, and I roll my eyes.
Every year, the Grinch title is saved for Bryce. Ever since his family found out he won't be marrying a woman, they decided he isn't worth their love. To make that matter worse, his sophomore year here, they passed away in a car accident. He wasn't phased by it, he said it is what it is, and went on about his day. Even though he tries to not act bothered by it, we know the holidays are hard for him.
"We semi fixed it. He and Oaklynn still have their issues, but it's all him. She's really tried to fix it." I explain. I want to tell my dad to get back on track, but I know this is his way of delaying the details until Ruth comes around, and his way of delaying any panic I may have. He used to do it when I was in peewee hockey, and before big tests in high school. I was twenty when I realized what he was doing.
"Ruth is here." He says, and Ruth says hi. When I pull my shirt over my head, I turn the speaker off, and press the phone to my ear, "Tell us your problems child of mine." My lovely father says, and I smile.
Before I say anything Ruth cuts in, "I swear our child only calls us when he has a crisis. We never get a call just for him to ask us how we are anymore," I can hear the smile in her voice, "I swear, he'd be lost in Africa if he didn't have us." She teases, and I roll my eyes. "Don't roll your eyes at me, Holland Maddox." She says, and I laugh.
She might not be blood, but she is definitely my mother, and she knows me pretty well. "Yes mother, whatever you say mother." I taunt, and she laughs. Ruth never asked or told me I could call her mom, but it slips out sometimes, and when it does I can either hear or see her small smile from the word.
When I get into my room, I turn the call to a facetime, and their faces appear. "God, I can see the panic from here. What on this good green earth has you so worked up?" She asks, and I laugh.
This 'good green earth' has me worked up over a girl. I never in my life planned to say those words. "Oaklynn." I say, and she nods. "ItoldherIlovedher, and she didn't say anything back. She stared at the wall." I rush the first part out, because I already know she'll tease me for it.
I also know the next thing that is going to come out of her mouth, "Repeat the first part, slowly, child." She laughs, and my head drops into my hands.
"I told her I loved her." I say, and she nods. When neither of them say anything I add, "I also told her I think about our future together, and she only nodded. She didn't say anything!" I whine, and they laugh. Well, Dad laughs, and Ruth covers hers up with her hand.
"Did you give her a chance to say anything or did you rush it all out, and then leave?" Dad asks, and I run my hand through my hair, tugging a little bit. "I'll take it as you rushed it out and left." He says, and I shrug.
"Kind of? I told her them in parts, and then after I finished my speech, we sat there for two minutes, and after she didn't say anything I left." I explain, and he shakes his head in disapproval. "What was I supposed to do? Sit there in silence forever? I told her for now I can love both of us and hopefully she can love me soon, and if she can't then she'll at least have the heart to tell me she can't." I relay what I told Oaklynn, and he nods. "What do I do?" I ask, desperately.
Call me a pussy, or whatever you want too. But I don't do pointless relationships. If Oaklynn knows she can't love me, then I'd rather her tell me she can't instead of lead me on. Call me a dumbass because I fell in love with someone who doesn't know how to properly do relationships. Call me whatever you feel like, but there is something about Oaklynn that draws you in. She might not have grown up with the best example for relationships, but I am willing to be the person she learns with. I am willing to get hurt time and time again, just so she can learn to love properly. As long as she chooses me to love.
I look at my parents, and they are both staring behind me with a thoughtful look in their eyes. I wait for them to give me an answer, but I don't get one from them. Someone clears their throat behind me, and I look in the little box of my phone. I expected it to be one of the guys, instead I see a teary eyed Oaklynn.
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NEXT UPDATE: 11/4/23