As the plane has taken off i close my eyes leaning back in my seat... I take a deep breath as i try to calm myself my emotions, feelings and thoughts are all over the place. I try as best as i can to quiet my mind only to doze off in a restless sleep. The morning after with Mya haunting my dreams...
***Flashback/Nightmare***
I wake up all groggy and let out a groan... I feel Mya lying beside me and smile... I cuddle up to her. She is still out like a light... I wrap my arm around her and spoon her... But all of a sudden something shiny on my finger catches my eye... A ring... For a second i am confused as i look at it for a second. But then flashes of last night flood my mind... Omg we have gotten married...
Mya moves and turns in my arms snuggling her face in my neck... "My head is killing me... How are you feeling?" She murmurs and i stay silent for a second... My head is pounding but i wonder if it because of the alcohol or because i realize we are married... The more i think about it the more this warm feeling spreads through my body... I am married... We are married...
"Chris?" She whispers her voice sounding unsure and soft... "Yeah a little headache..." I whisper and she giggles... We stay silent for a second and i wonder if she will bring it up... If she even remembers because we both were very, very drunk... More memories of last night flood my mind and i start to smile thinking about our throws of passion...
"Mya...?" I whisper and she hums in response cuddling into me more her face nestling more in my neck and planting a kiss on my skin... "What do you remember from last night?" I whisper and she stops moving... "Uhm we went to that bar..." She mumbles and she pauses for a second as she is thinking back... "Had shots... A lot of shots... Danced... Made out... and had a quicky on the toilets..." She said and i can feel her smirk in my neck...
But all of a sudden, she pushes herself up looking at me shocked... "We got married?!" She says more asking me than telling me... I take her hand holding it up smiling and she looks at the ring... "Omg... We got married..." She stammers and turns bright red... "We did..." I say with a big smile pushing myself up and kissing her... "Good morning Mrs. Evans..." I whisper and she blushes even more... "Chris... We got married..." She mumbles again and i smirk...
"You say it like it is a bad thing..." I whisper back and she sighs... "No... Of course not. I love you... But shouldn't we have done it sober and with your family present... Have talked about our future..." She says looking at her fingers... I smile and gently take her chin in my hand making her look at me... "I love you... You love me... What more do we need. It would have happened eventually. We still can have a wedding if you want... And we can talk about what to do, now..." I say and she looks at me...
"We can do anything we want. But i can't wait for what the future holds... I can't wait to have a family with you... To start our life together as man and wife... " I say, and she sighs and i am confused as a tear runs down her cheek... She pushes herself off the bed and starts to pace up and down the room running her hands through her hair... I am utterly confused... "Chris... A family... I dont know if i am ready for that... I dont know if i even want kids..." She whispers and the blood drains from my face... I see the future i wanted slip away...
"What do you mean? You love kids..." I say and she groans... "Yes, i love kids... But that doesn't mean i want kids right now... I am not sure maybe in the future... But i just dont know for sure that i want them... I..." She starts to say and i stand up and cut her off... "You dont want kids ever?" I ask focused on the words that had hit me hard... The words that she didn't know if she ever wanted kids... "I dont know..." She whispers her face riddled with guilt. "You know i want them... You knew that coming into this relationship... I have never made a secret about that..." I say and another tear runs down her face as she keeps quiet... "So, what...? You waisted all my time while knowing all this...?" I growl feeling myself getting angry. "I thought we had more time..." She says tears streaming down her face as she looks at me...
"More time for what?!" I now yell... "I dont know!" She yells stepping closer to me... "Chris i love you..." She says and i scoff... My mind is racing and i am so angry... My happy bubble has burst... "You lied to me..." I growl and she looks at me as if i had slapped her... "That is not fair...! I never lied...! I never said i wanted kids... We never even had that talk yet..." She says back at me... I scoff and shake my head... My anger is growing as my dreamlife slips away. The life i had dreamed of with Mya... I had dreamed of a life with her... As my sexy fun beautiful wife and our sweet kids... The idea that my wife would also be my best friend and mother of my children... That dream had now shattered and when i look at her i am just so hurt and angry... I feel betrayed...
"I dont get how you can be so selfish." I growl taking a deep breath... "but then i guess i shouldn't be surprised... You are selfish just like your mother..." I growl and Mya looks at me with shock on her face... I regretted saying it as soon as the words had left my mouth... I really do but my anger is fueling me... She just looked at me hurt... "This is the part where you apologize..." She whispers and i should but instead i double down... Knowing it is already a lost cause...
"Apologize?" I snicker and look at her disgusted... "Why would i apologize... You should apologize to me for leading me on... 2 years of my life wasted on you... You know what... I can't do this..." I say and grab my bag stuffing everything i can see... "What are you doing?" She asks pleading with me, and she grabs my arm in an attempt to stop me... But i shove her off of me... "Dont touch me..." I growl and she starts to sob... "Chris please... please talk to me..." She says pleading while sobbing... I just scoff again...
I walk to the hotel door but before i leave i turn around... "You know... Maybe it is for the best... Maybe you are right, and you shouldn't have kids... I mean with parents like yours you are doomed to be a bad mother... So, i agree... Never have kids... For the kids' sake..." I say walking out slamming the door behind me leaving her behind hysterically crying...
*** End Flashback/Nightmare ***
I jolt awake sweaty and breathing heavy, the feeling of guilt is suffocating... I look around me turning bright red, praying i had not talked in my sleep. But everyone around me is just sleeping or keeping to themselves. I sigh and try to calm myself... As i think back at my nightmare i groan... Yep, she has every reason to hate me... I am an asshole... I attacked her on something she had no control over, and she was nothing like her parents... I hit her where it hurt the most... I went for the kill and us something that was a painful subject for her. A thing she always was insecure about and i knew it...
My mind was racing. What if i had gone back and did not abandon her alone, crying in a strange city... What if i had not said all that and talked to her... What if i had kept my cool... Ma had said she didn't believe Mya didn't want kids at all and as i think back at that moment i think ma was right... I was now older and wiser and able to read between the lines... Maybe i should have been more understanding... No... I should have been more understanding... If i had been maybe she would have felt stable and secure enough to have given me kids... I sigh and reach in my pocket... I pull out the silver band... I look at it and a lump, forms in my throat. I try it on... It still fits... I still had the ring... I could not bring myself to get rid of it... It was always locked away in my safe...
My thoughts get interrupted by the pilot telling us that we are to land in Salt Lake City where i am going to have my layover... I sigh and fasten my seatbelt.