"We've got a few platforms to post on, a photoshoot for Capo magazine, two interviews next week, and EEliEE is going to hold a real big party for you on Tuesday. Does that sound good?"
Nate nursed his hangover with a glass of water. Xia sat across the dinner table, scrolling on three different phones to look over his planners. They were dinging like crazy, worsening the thudding in his head. He downed his glass and poured himself another. Xia slid a coaster over for him to put down his drink.
"Couldn't this wait until after I'm done with this hangover?"
"No time. There are too many people asking for you. Your posts have been getting loads of comments. We need to clear things up, so our comeback plans don't get clogged with all this other crap. And besides, you're always hungover."
"Shut up."
Ra burst into the dining room. He only wore a pair of furry pink pants and sparkling white boots, with black tape covering his nipples. Nate and Xia stared at him. His outfit was searing into Nate's eyes worse than the sunlight was.
"Oi, oi," Ra cheered. "G'mornin, wankers."
"It's two pm," Xia corrected, glancing at the phone in his hand as another notification popped up. He cursed under his breath and tapped on the phone in his lap.
"Izzit? Bloody 'ell, where 'ave I been? Need t'get me drink on. Got vodka?"
Xia held up a finger. Ra was already making his way to one of their fridges. He put a hand on his hip as he opened the door. His eyes scanned the disorganized shelves. After the party, the fridge had been ransacked of food. All that was left were some stray cans of beer and soda. Someone spilled a bottle of ketchup all over one of the shelves, and it was still sticky. Who cleaned it up, anyway?
"Do. Not. Drink. We have a photoshoot at five."
Ra rolled his eyes.
"Fine. A beer, then?"
"Only half!" Xia yelled. Ra reached for an already opened can of beer. He craned his neck back and chugged it down. No matter how many years it had been, Nate was still in awe of how fast beer would disappear when Ra was around.
Charlie came in as soon as Ra tossed the can into the trash. They were dressed in what Xia would call, "Our image. Casually fashionable. Our confidence speaks for itself." A well-knit sweater hugged their torso, paired with a thrifted pair of black jeans and heavy combat boots. They heaved themselves into a chair next to Nate. He could hear them panting from exhaustion.
"Sorry, I'm late."
"It's alright," Nate said. "You're not that late."
They eyed the way Ra was looking at the other cans of beer in the fridge.
"Ra's drinking. I'm late."
Ra shut the door sheepishly. He sauntered over to Nate and pulled up a chair. He leaned back, folding one leg on top of the other as he sat down. Why was everyone sitting next to him? They had about a dozen chairs around the dining table.
"If ya fink about it, that means yer early."
"Everyone shut up," Xia interrupted. "Let's rehearse what we'll do once we show up to the photoshoot. After that, I need to film Nate, that'll take a few hours. We barely have time."
"A few hours?" he groaned. He could feel bile making its way up his throat at the thought of it. Ra patted him on the back. He wanted to throw up all over the pink Persian cat Ra seemed to be wearing for pants.
"How long will the photoshoot take?" Charlie asked. They fiddled with the threads on their sweater. Their hands were shaking. Nate noticed how small they looked in their heavy sweater. Xia threw a sympathetic glance in their direction.
"An hour, maybe two. Depends on whether or not His Highness here throws up on set."
"Shut up."
"An hour..." Charlie echoed.
They balled up their sweater with their fists and pulled it over their knees. Nate tried not to stare at the way their eyes were wide open, their gaze fixed on the table. Their shoulders were pressing against their neck. Their left foot shook aggressively against the wooden chair. Xia sighed and kept tapping on each phone.
"Look, if it gets too much, I'll give it to you," Xia said.
Charlie shook their head. "No, it's okay. It's just been a while. I'll be fine without it."
Xia opened his mouth. One of the phones rang, interrupting him. He stood up and left the room to take the call. Nate turned to Charlie. He spotted beads of sweat rolling down their forehead. Xia had left the window open, and a cool breeze was pleasantly blowing in. They leaned their head against the back of the chair.
"Why don't you see a doctor?" he asked. They shook their head.
"I'm good without anything. I'm not getting hooked. I'm not fucking it up. Not again."
He held his tongue on whether or not it was safer to have their demons control them instead. Charlie was grown, and he trusted them to know what they wanted to do. He couldn't help but feel sorry for them each time this happened, nonetheless. He grasped his hands, trying to think of the best thing to say.
"If... you do get hooked. We could always get you clean again. It would be easier than last time."
They gave him a weak smile.
"Thank you. I just don't want... to always want more," they shuddered. "I don't want that to become my everyday life."
He nodded. "I know what you mean."
Their eyes grew warmer. They reached out their hand and let it linger close to his. He could feel the warmth emanating from their skin. He resisted the urge to take their hand. Instead, he basked in the warmth, drinking in how close they were to him.
"It means a lot that you got clean," they said. He smiled. It was worth everything, all the withdrawal pain, the nausea, the sleepless nights, if he could hear those words. All he wanted was to never hear anyone be disappointed in him again.
Ra cleared his throat. "Me guilty conscience is goin' t'kill me if you say that."
Charlie laughed. He felt his heart lighten at hearing that quiet sound.
"What about it? Should we get you into Alcoholics Anonymous?"
"My arse."
Xia entered the room again. His face was set in determination. His eyebrows were furrowed, and his mouth was pressed together in a straight line. Dread crept up in Nate's stomach. Xia might have been committed to the business side of music, but he certainly wasn't. He could already hear the lectures coming in.
"Right, let's go through what we'll do for the photoshoot."
Xia droned on about how they should behave, the things they should say for all the interviewer's questions, loosening up in front of the cameras, and more that he had tuned out. He preferred being himself, even if he was being scrutinized for every action. If he was going to be criticized anyway, wasn't it better to be judged for the person he was, instead of someone he rehearsed to be? He tried imagining what kinds of poses the photographer would have them in and almost burst out laughing. It was strange to capture them in one still photograph and pretend it was authentic. He didn't mind pictures, but he preferred the pictures of them in concerts and rehearsals instead of the stiff environments of studios. He loved the fleeting moment of singing his heart out being captured in frame after frame.
"You got that?" Xia asked. His head bobbed up and down, even though his mind had been wandering elsewhere for the past ten minutes. Xia narrowed his eyes at him, doubt setting in his face. He gave him the biggest smile he could muster, his eyes crinkling up as his mouth turned as upwards as possible. Xia sighed and turned his attention to the other two.
"Charlie? Ra?"
Charlie nodded and smiled nervously. They were only rocking back and forth on the chair now, their tremors fading away. Ra had his eyes on the fridge, but he jerked his thumb up in affirmation.
"Aye, Chief," Ra said. Xia stared at him. Nate could see the light dying in his eyes with each passing second.
"Ra, put a shirt on."
Ra hummed in thought. "Why? Pretty rock an' roll t'show up shirtless, innit?"
Xia's mouth began to twitch. He wasn't sure if he was about to throw a punch or burst out laughing. He did neither, throwing his gaze out to the window. He clearly needed a break from looking at Ra's outfit.
"Can you at least put on a jacket?"
Ra spread his palms out on the table and grinned. He said, "Fine. See, knew ya had it in ya t'compromise."
Everyone else breathed out a sigh of relief. Xia pointed a finger at Nate. He pointed his own finger at himself, feigning confusion. His best friend walked over to him and wrapped a hand around his wrist. Nate wanted to complain about how his bones were digging into his skin, but he held his tongue again. He began dragging him to one of the bedrooms. He could feel his heels dragging against the floor the whole way. He had no idea how Xia had that kind of strength in him. It was one of the many mysteries he had yet to figure out.
Xia shoved him onto the king-sized bed in the middle of the bedroom they had entered.
"You could have at least bought me dinner, first."
"Very funny. You've got what you want to say prepared, don't you? Talk about how much better you're doing after rehab. About how excited you are, and how our fans have a lot to look forward to."
He rolled his eyes. He had definitely mulled over what he wanted to say to their fans, but everything came from his heart. A few videos wouldn't be enough to convey all the things he wanted to say. He wanted them to be proud. He wanted them to be happy. He just wanted to be the best, the kind of person they deserved. He leaned forward, his mind racing with thoughts. He wished he could see the looks on their faces once those videos came out. He wanted to read all their comments even though Xia always told him not to, in case any bits of hate got to him.
Xia held out his hand.
"Come on. Give me your phone."
Nate dug out his phone from his pocket and handed it over. Xia tapped in his password and began to set up his camera. When Xia gave a thumbs up and the light came on, a smile spread across his face.
Whenever he was in front of a camera, he came alive. Whether it was the eye of the camera or the eyes of the audience, he loved it all. When he spoke, when he sang, when he moved. He could feel every bit of it. He wanted it forever. It didn't matter how many times Xia asked him to start over. He would do anything.
After filming, they went straight into the van to head to the photography studio. Xia sat next to him, pointing out different shortcuts for the driver to take. Nate looked out the window, taking in the busy sights of the city. He could see people walking up and down the sidewalks, hailing cars and running across red lights. He wished he could go into every coffee shop and every bookstore they passed. He loved the fame, but sometimes he missed the simplicity of wandering around with Xia, exploring everything they came across.
He could envision them both running through the streets after stealing records to sell. They would spend all day outside, looking for things to pawn, sell, or steal. The sun beat down on them and their threadbare clothes each day. Their coats were always full, and their stomachs were always empty back then. The only thing that kept them alive was music and coke.
The thought jolted him out of his imagination. Xia was tapping on his shoulder.
"Come on."
They had arrived in front of a sleek brown building nestled between a coffee shop and a closed-down boutique. Every brick looked brand new, gleaming in the sunlight. Giant black-and-white pictures of models were plastered above like paintings of long forgotten gods. There was a billboard sized poster of them, shot a little after they finished their second album. Xia and him were smack dab in front of the camera while Ra and Charlie stood behind them.
Nate looked at himself staring up at the camera. There was a faint glimmer in his eyes, but the way his lips lifted slightly at the sides looked empty, sarcastic, cruel. It was unnerving. He wondered what he was thinking of that day. If he was thinking of anything at all. Back when he still used cocaine, he couldn't remember much of anything. It was all a blur of numbed emotions. He could only remember wanting more, more, more.
"I know you're good looking, but you don't have to stare at yourself," came a voice. His head tilted down. A wiry man dressed in all blue stood before him with his hands on his hips. His features were sharp. Sharp cheekbones, sharp chin, sharp nose. But above all, a sharp eye for the camera. Francis Nine, one of the photographers he loved to work with the most. No nonsense, he cut straight to the chase with what he wanted from them. Better than wishy washy pretentious types who expected them to know what they meant when they said, "Look spiritual."
"Good to see you again, Nine," he greeted. "Got any other rockstars lining up to shoot with you today?"
"None as big as you," Nine dryly remarked.
Nine turned on his heel and beckoned them inside. The band followed the scrawny man through two opaque glass doors into the building. As soon as they came in, they were met with a flurry of people rushing about. Holding props, hauling racks of outfits, carrying photography gear up to their elbows. They passed room after room of people coming in and out. He caught a few flashes of a camera each time a door opened.
"Busy day?" Nate asked.
"You wouldn't believe it. Everyone's making a comeback nowadays. Retired models, hibernating actors, musicians returning from hiatus," Nine droned on, making a pointed look at him when speaking of the last category. He pretended to blush. Nine swatted away invisible bugs in frustration.
"I'm so glad to be working with you all again," he said. "You're about as enthusiastic as a dried-out melon seed, but at least you get the job done."
"That's us."
Nine opened up a door. The band spilled into the massive studio. The space they were supposed to shoot in was surrounded by cameras at every angle. Wall after wall of white backdrops shone in the bright lights that either dangled above them or stood high on their stands. People on computers edited shot after shot in the background. It looked more like a studio for a film than for a photoshoot.
"Jesus, all this for us?" Xia asked. "It's bigger than I last remembered."
"You're bigger than you last remembered, Zin. And I'm not talking about that emaciated body of yours. I'm telling you, you should be a model for me."
Xia rolled his eyes. "Thanks, but modelling is only for two types of people. Celebrity spawn, and people who are willing to starve and wait in the cold for hours for a chance to be looked at. Neither are me."
Nine sighed and pointed to the backdrops.
"You should go first for that smart mouth of yours."
Xia opened his mouth to protest, but Nate pushed him towards the cameras. It was his idea to have a photoshoot right after the party, the least he could do was see it through. The rest of them giggled watching Xia stand in front of the camera. Even after the couple of years they hit it big, Xia still had no idea how to act in a photography studio.
He stood there, shuffling his feet and looking dead in the eye each time the camera flashed. After each flash, he would turn to Nate. His eyes held a desperation that made him both laugh and feel pity. He was like a stray kitten, completely blindsided by all the commotion happening around him.
Nate looked into the camera frames capturing Xia. Despite how frigid he was, he looked amazing in each picture they took. The shadows that the light cast on him were stark. He was transfixed by the dark shadow over Xia's upturned eyes. He could only see the reflection of the light shimmering around his black pupils, obscuring everything else in his face. He couldn't make out what expression he had. There was only a vague feeling of being threatened and scorned by the way his eyes were narrowed into slits. Nine knew how to make the most out of every subject he had.
"That'll do." Nine clapped his hands together. He pointed to Nate, then to the backdrops. Nate followed the tip of his finger. He walked to Xia, grinning from ear to ear. Xia raised a finger in response.
"Let's see if you can get Zin here to relax a bit. Get a few shots of the both of you, yeah?"
His best friend's shoulders drooped down as he sighed. Nate wrapped an arm around his shoulder and squeezed him. Xia winced, though he quickly covered it up by adjusting his position. He glanced at Xia. He was staring straight to the camera. His body was stiff in his arms.
Nine spoke before he could say anything. "That's good, look in the camera like that."
They both looked into the camera. His hand stayed on Xia's shoulder, while the other man stuck his hands in his pockets. A few flashes graced their eyes, followed by the rapid shutters of the cameras. He blinked, nearly losing his vision in the bright lights. Being gone did not help him from feeling like a deer in headlights when it came to a photography studio. Nine examined the shots that came out.
"Next, I want you behind Zin. Put your arms around his neck. Just act casual, like you're leaning against him."
Xia rolled his eyes. Nate did as he was told, stepping back so he was a little further in the background. He draped his arms around Xia's neck. Unable to help himself, he pressed his cheek against Xia's skin, brushing his lips against the nape of his neck. Xia yelped. The cameras flashed again.
"Not so casual there," Nine teased.
"You never take things seriously," Xia grumbled. His face was bright red. Nate jabbed an elbow into his ribs. He groaned.
"You're only shy in front of the cameras," Nate teased.
His ears began turning scarlet.
"Not in front of everyone," he complained. A laugh escaped his lips. They carried on like that for a few more minutes. Staring at each other, leaning back-to-back. They even brought them each one of their guitars to pose with. The whole time, he couldn't stop himself from getting as close as he could to Xia, brushing against him or puffing his lips at him. The look on the smaller man's face was too good to pass on. His lips turned as red as him from the way he kept biting down on them in embarrassment. When Nine finally clapped his hands together again, the relief on his face was palpable.
"The whole group of you, together."
Nate glanced over to Charlie. They nearly toppled over in their seat when Nine spoke. Their hair obscured their face, and all he could see was their trembling lips. Xia looked at Charlie, then at him. He nudged Nate. They both nodded and headed to the bassist.
"Hey, you okay?" Nate asked. Charlie shook their head. Their hands kept balling into shaking fists before releasing, over and over. Xia stared at them. He came up closer to them, his hands stuck into his pockets. Nate was half afraid that he wanted to knock some sense into them. Instead, he pulled his hand out and tossed something into their lap.
He looked down. In their lap was a small bag of white tablets. Charlie looked at the bag, then at Xia, then at the bag again. Their shaking hands grasped the clear plastic. Their body had relaxed as soon as they recognized what was inside.
"I'm not telling you to do anything. But if you need it, there. You know how much to take."
Charlie palmed the bag and closed it in their fist. They sat there for a moment. Charlie lay back in the chair, holding the bag to their chest. Their eyes already looked clearer and more alert. They all stared at each other, waiting. Finally, Charlie stood up.
"Excuse me," they said quietly. They walked off the set. Nate looked towards his best friend. Guilt was written all over his face. Xia turned his head, a frown settling in between his eyebrows.
"Don't look at me like that," Xia said. "I had to make sure they never touch the real vile shit again. If it means giving them something else," he trailed off and shrugged. He put his hand on Xia's bony shoulder in affirmation. He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but he didn't. They both watched people come in and set up to photograph them all together.
The situation wasn't new at all to them. Nate could remember many times when Charlie showed up to set with their head lolling back and their eyes half lidded. He could hear Xia's yelling whenever they nearly fell asleep when they were supposed to be doing something. Yelling would often make them cry, but in that state, they would only look up with a hazy smile on their face.
He was grateful that they were past that now. He would accept them doing anything but going back to that state. The worst part was being wide awake while watching them sluggishly moving around like a body only barely alive. It made him hate himself for using any kind of drug. It felt dirty. Impure. Unnatural.
A tall figure came into the room. Nate blinked. He almost didn't recognize them. Their hair was pushed back, they stood up tall, they walked in long strides. Their clothes fit them perfectly. Their long limbs hung down in a relaxed manner, swinging as they walked. Charlie looked like a brand-new person.
"All ready?" Nine asked. Charlie gave a lazy nod. A clap sounded throughout the room. Ra popped out from a rack of outfits. A white feather boa hung around his neck. A vein pulsed in Xia's forehead.
"Ra, take that off."
The drummer cocked his head to the side.
"Can I put some shades on, instead?"
"Fine, but I'm picking them."
In the flashing lights, Nate felt another part of himself returning. Standing with the band, hearing click after click, cycling through pose after pose. Every picture made his smile wider. Every flash made him stand taller. He almost felt a tune leaving his lips. This was the life he wanted. He wanted every picture to be of them. He wanted their image plastered everywhere. Every person in the world would know their names. Every billboard, every TV slot, every magazine cover would be of them.
He was meant for this. He was meant to be seen by everyone. He wanted to bask in the glow of the lights forever.
And when Nine asked him for solo shots, he felt as if he couldn't smile any wider. In the frames of the cameras, he was the only person to ever exist.