"Love isn't patient, and kind, and humble. Love is messy, and horrible, and selfish, and bold. It's not about finding your perfect half. It's the trying, and reaching, and failing." —The Half of It
"Okay, spill," Alyssa says the next morning about ten minutes into kickboxing.
"What," I ask as if I don't know exactly what she's referring to.
"You've been out of it all morning, but also smiling like crazy, what's up? Did you hear back from a grad school early or something?"
"No, I wish," I reply earnestly, then lowering my voice to just above a whisper, "Hayden and I hooked up last night."
A flurry of emotions crosses her face ranging from initial shock to a sort of sour look as she goes, "Really? Are you sure that was a good idea?"
I'm somewhat taken aback, I thought Alyssa would be happy for me, and immediately beg for all the details, not this, before I can say anything though, she gages how I feel from my face.
"Sorry, not to be like rude about it, I'm happy for you, but Cassie you're a relationship girl, and he's," she trails off.
"It's not like that, we're just having fun," I respond, feeling sure about it after our conversation last night, "maybe I don't have to be a relationship girl. You're the one who said we needed to live a little senior year."
"And I meant go to a few parties, not hook up with the captain of the hockey team," she says, but with a smile on her face and a lighter tone.
"Hey, go big or go home," I reply, then we get back to punching, and every time Mel is out of earshot I spill all the details and she tells me about her latest hook-up.
Alyssa's still very wary of Hayden, she thinks he's going to break my heart, but neither he nor I are going to be invested enough for that to happen, or at least that's what I tell myself. I ignore the feeling in my chest when I check my phone after class and see that he texted.
Hayden West: You look so hot when you're boxing
I glance towards the student athlete-specific weight room and see him in there lifting with his roommates and a few other guys who I assume are on the team.
Cassie Bennet: I'd say the same for you, I have to say hockey's a little hotter than the weight lifting though.
He glances up from his phone and smiles when he sees me standing by the window, I immediately turn away though because Alyssa is approaching and lord knows what kind of shit she'd give me if she knew how fluttery my chest was right now.
Hayden West: Guess you should start coming to games more often then
I glance at his last text but don't respond since I'm with Alyssa, and the gap between kickboxing and the rest of our classes is barely long enough to get home, shower, and then get back to campus.
"Okay, so mandatory girls' night tonight," Alyssa says as we get back. Lyra and Adri are still in their pajamas sipping coffee in the kitchen.
"Why," Adri asks, still half asleep. She is not a morning person at all. Anytime before noon really she just doesn't exist. Freshman year, she had an eight a.m. class and it's the only class she's ever failed.
"Because Cassie hooked up with Hayden freaking West last night."
"What," Lyra practically shouts then she starts squealing, "Oh my god, I knew it, you guys are going to be so cute together."
"We're not together, we're just hooking up," I say as nonchalantly as possible.
"Oh girls' night for sure," Adri says, "I need all the details, and to dissect what you just said when I'm not half dead."
I laugh, "Okay, but really it's not that big of a deal, we're just having some fun. He's still him, and I'm still me. We'd never actually be together."
The three of them share a look that tells me they've probably talked about me and Hayden before, and I hate it. I shake my head and walk over to the bathroom, leaving them to talk while I shower and get ready for class.
I'm surprisingly still able to focus in class, despite the constant urge to relive what happened last night and completely overanalyze it, I manage to get a majority of the problem sets done for my physics class. Then when I'm in the lab later, I manage to help explain one of the more difficult calculations for the simulation we're doing to Reva.
Overall the day was a win, but I'm extremely nervous for girls' night after Alyssa's reaction to last night. I think Lyra at least will be supportive, and really none of them have room to judge, they've all had their fair share of hookups over the last few years. I think Alyssa's just concerned because I don't usually hook up, or well ever. But I just got out of a long relationship, and it's not like Hayden's just some random guy, we might not always agree on everything, but I trusted him after our conversation last night, he's not going to go hook up with someone else, and we already set ground rules, so neither of us will be all emotional if life get's crazy and we don't see each other. It's all the perks of being in a relationship without actually having to be in a relationship.
I'm the last one to get back to our apartment, getting there just three minutes before Alyssa said we all had to be back, and the girls already have margaritas made, and fajitas are on the stove. I absolutely love it when I get back and one of the others has already cooked, and when it's a proper girls' night we always go all out.
We spend the first half of the night with all of them integrating me and then dissecting the relationship between me and Hayden, and asking questions I don't know or care to have an answer for.
"I don't understand, why don't you want to date him," Lyra asks, sounding exasperated after I've said for what feels like the hundredth time that he and I are not together.
"Neither of us wants a relationship, we're both going to be far away after graduating and have a lot going on."
"So it's friends with bennies," Adri asks.
"No, he and I aren't friends, and we're not labeling it like that. We just are."
"Alyssa's supposed to be the one hooking up with guys and not labeling relationships, not you," Lyra responds.
"Hey," Alyssa shouts in mock annoyance, then follows it with, "True, you should see if any of his teammates are interested. Teddy Coleman's especially fine.
I laugh, "I am not subjecting you and Teddy to each other, you'd probably make the world explode if you ever dated.
"Notice how she calls him just Teddy, that means they've met. She's on a first-name basis with his friends, that means something," Adri says, sounding like some sort of detective.
"All it means is that I've been to his place a few times, to watch movies. For our project. Now can we please talk about literally anything else?" I take a big sip out of the margarita I've been drinking.
"How about that girl Adri hooked up with last weekend," Lyra says looking just as mischievous as she did bringing up Hayden.
"Let's not," Adri says, "I'm gonna start doing the dishes actually."
"No way," I call out, "If I have to be subjected to this torture, so do you. Sit your ass down."
"Fine," Adri replies, sitting back down on the floor of our living room where we've been sitting for the past hour, "Her name was Penny. We fooled around a bit at her place, and I met her at this lesbian bar in Seattle."
We immediately swarm her with about a million questions, and I'm beyond relieved that the focus is finally off of me. I'd much rather be grilling one of the girls about her latest escapade than be grilled about mine. A part of me wished I'd waited a little longer to tell them, but they were my best friends and it would've felt wrong not to.
The next morning, when I get to our class early, Hayden's already there, "Wow only 15 minutes early, someone's gotten lazy," he says by way of greeting.
"I had one too many margs at girls' night last night," I respond, "Plus I thought you were leaving today for your game this weekend?" I'd looked up his hockey schedule yesterday afternoon, so I could figure out when he'd be around and when he'd be away and this weekend they were playing a game in Colorado.
"We don't leave till about thirty minutes after this class, and usually I'd skip the whole day, but for some reason, I thought I'd come."
"Oh," I respond coyly, "And why's that?"
"The amazing lectures, I mean I just learn so much in here," he replies.
I roll my eyes, "What's the name of our professor then? If you just love the lectures so much."
"It's um Professor," he then mumbles something incoherent under his breath.
"Speak up, what was that?"
"Professor," he says again then his expression changes, "Wait a second how do I know if you even know our wonderful professor's name? You better tell me so I know you're not flubbing."
I lightly smack his shoulder, "As if. School is like my whole thing, I know his name. You're not getting out of this that easily."
"If you really know it then say it," he responds.
"Make me."
He leans in closer, "Trust me, I plan to."
"When do you get back from Colorado," I ask, remembering we're in class, and more and more people are entering the lecture hall as we speak.
"Friday afternoon, game's tonight."
"Come over when you're back?"
"For the project, right," he asks, motioning to the board, which has a slide up now about how far into the project we should be.
"Yeah exactly," I respond, "there's absolutely nothing else I'd want to do with you on a Friday night."
"Really because I can think of about a hundred things I'd do with you," he whispers making me blush as the professor gets everyone's attention to start class. I don't think I hear a word he says all of class, and from the way Hayden's hand is resting on my thigh, I doubt he gets a word of it either.
"Have a safe flight," I tell him as we part ways. He doesn't have any other classes today since they're leaving for their game tonight. It's insane how his weeks just include flying to places like Colorado to play a game and then coming straight back to Seaport.
I figured that'd be the last I hear from him, but as I'm getting ready for bed, his name lights up on my phone, and I see that he's Facetiming me.
"Hayden," I ask confused as I answer.
"Well yeah, who else would it be," he asks and I gage from the sheer amount of white surrounding him he's in the bed of his hotel room, "Don't tell me you don't even have my number saved."
I roll my eyes, "Sometimes you make me wish it wasn't saved. Why are you calling?"
"I missed your beautiful voice," he responds sarcastically but with a slight edge to his voice.
I give him a look and don't say anything until he explains himself further.
"I might've been hoping for phone sex," he replies grinning, "And since I called you can't throw anything at me for saying that."
"No way in hell am I having phone sex," I respond, "Besides don't you share rooms on these trips?"
"Yeah, but Coleman's in the bathroom."
"Still not happening," I respond, "Tell me about the game though. Did you win?"
We spend the next forty-five minutes talking, not just about his game, but it starts off that way. He gets so passionate when he's talking about hockey, and I understand so little that he keeps having to explain what he means by things like power play, and icing, but from what I do understand they played really well. Colorado's apparently one of the midfield teams in their division, and they as he said 'creamed them' and he was so excited about that.
With Steven, whenever we'd talk about things, it was stuff we both had in common, and I thought that was ideal for a relationship, but there's something so cute about listening to Hayden try to explain hockey to me, it's like he has the whole world he's sharing with me, that I know nothing about. I never thought I cared about hockey, or any sports really, but something about the way he talks about it makes me want to love it.
I'm definitely, probably developing feelings that I shouldn't be, he and I are just hooking up, casually after all. But I like that he wanted to Facetime me after his game, even if it was originally for a gross reason, and I like how excited he is to talk about hockey, and how when he realized he was rambling, he started asking me about what I'd been up to. I guess, despite everything I liked Hayden West. A lot. More than I should. And that terrified me just a little bit, so I was going to do everything I could to just enjoy things while they lasted, and not fall for a guy there was no chance of a future with.