It was difficult to get my mind off the situation at hand - after all, everything had managed to go to shit in a matter of minutes. It took mere moments after me telling Lilia that we were leaving for Slovenia for her to fall apart. For us to fall apart. She didn't give me a chance to explain, just robbed me of my words and tried to exit immediately. I had wanted to clasp onto her hand so badly, to beg her not to leave, to ask for another chance to make all of this up to her. But I restrained myself; let her walk out of the door.
It takes a lot to admit you're wrong - I'll admit it, I messed up; I should've told her about coming back home. But the way she looked at me every time I got close to telling her, that longing, yearning look that begged for me to heal her heartache sent me back into my shell. I wanted to protect her from the truth, however stupid it sounded.
Bojan had obviously tried to resolve the situation immediately, as he does with most things. He practically dragged me and Jure out of the apartment and over to the lift as Nace and Kris had gone outside to retrieve her unconscious body. I couldn't even look at her; even though she wouldn't know I had done given her state, I didn't want to hurt her further.
She had opened up to me about every dickhead before me, told me what they'd done to her and how scared she'd been to try to love again. And I managed to fuck it up, somehow.
'I don't want you to feel alone again.' I had told her, feeling her head slowly lull into my chest - she was drifting off to my words. Obviously exhausted, I felt her attempt at nodding, which made me laugh a little. I tried to keep the noise down, not wanting to disturb her as she fell into rest.
Once she'd fallen asleep, which I felt from the sudden limpness of her figure, her mouth suddenly fell open and produced a low noise. I remembered the way she'd told me that she only snored when she felt safe; otherwise, she hid it carefully.
She felt safe with me.
I fucked all of that up. Our closeness, the way she'd wanted to be around me.
I should've told her from the start.
But somewhere inside me was a voice telling me that it wasn't all my fault - she'd accused me of things that hadn't happened, maybe in an attempt to strengthen her point? I picked the top for her because I thought it was a style she liked. The boys made comments because that's just what we do to each other to tease. I put the condom on the table because I didn't need it, and I didn't want her to think that I was using her for sex. Nothing like the things she'd used as ammo to shoot me right through the heart.
'You need a fucking cig.' Jure said, as he handed me a pack from his pocket. At that moment I realised that my body was incredibly tense; my head didn't move fluidly towards him, but rather jerked in one quick motion. Ripping open the packet, I took the first one I laid my fingers on, and Jure lit it for me with the lighter in his hand.
Bojan had barely spoken since we left; aside from a few mutters, he remained completely silent. His eyes had been glued to his phone, and his fingers tapped repeatedly over the on-screen keyboard. Now, he spoke for the first time, his voice slightly husky due to not using it for a while.
'Kris just messaged me. He doesn't want us back for at least a few hours.'
'She's awake though, right?' I questioned instinctively, regretting it immediately; my mind instantly snapped back to where it was before as I began to wallow in regret.
'Yeah. She just doesn't want us there.' Bojan said plainly.
I took a swig of my beer to hide my pained expression.
'Why would we want to go back anyway?' Jure asked rhetorically, holding his beer up in a sort-of toast. I ignored him, rolling my eyes irritatedly.
'Read the room.' Bojan uttered, just loud enough for the pair of us to hear, while shooting Jure a glare. I couldn't understand why he was so tense - this had nothing to do with him.
'I'm sure she'll get over it soon. It all works out like that.' he drolled casually, ignoring Bojan's fierce eyes.
'I don't think it will.' I input, attempting to break down his sudden anger. Jure wasn't exactly helping the matter, but he was just oblivious, so at least it wasn't purposeful.
'She might, she might not.' Bojan replied, not wanting to irritate either party. Obviously, he didn't want to hurt me, but I knew that the chance of her even wanting to see me at all would be very slim. 'She's only just come around after fainting, give her some time.'
'Why are you defending her?' I questioned suddenly, the question having been in my mind for a few minutes now. It was very odd for anyone in the group to not side with another member instead of the other personl, and us leaving the apartment seemed to be more for Lilia's benefit, rather than mine.
'She's been nothing but nice. She was fun the other night. She also doesn't have any friends in this situation to back her up.'
I suspected that the third reason was the one he actually meant; Bojan had a tendency to list a few things but only say one genuinely. He wasn't exactly wrong, but if Lilia was with Nace and Kris, why couldn't one of them take that role? Did I not need support too? Of course, I immediately felt guilty after thinking this, and decided not to continue the debate.
The conversation died coldly after that.
~•~
A few more pints down the line, and my feelings were all over the place. I was completely and utterly gone. I'd had to leave the table a few times due to a sick feeling that now resonated deeply in the pit of my stomach, but that part wasn't due to the drink.
'Yes.' I slurred loudly as Jure asked if I needed another glass. I'd drained the last in seconds, needing liquid to coat my dry throat and bring me some form of salvation.
'Don't get him another one.' Bojan said, pulling Jurček to the side and speaking in a low whisper straight down his ear so that I wouldn't be able to make out the words.
'What?' I loudly pronounced.
'We're going back to the apartment.' he replied kindly, seeming happy that we were no longer in exile from our own place.
'Why?' I asked hopefully, praying that Lilia had agreed to talk to me.
'It's getting late.' he told me. That had to be an excuse. He just didn't want me excited, that was all.
'Fuck yes.' Jure exclaimed; his pupils were so far dilated I was unsure as to where he was looking. He had been the one to get drunk with me: let's be honest, when was Jure not down for free beers when someone else was paying? Every round so far had been on Bojan, and he was clearly making the most of it. Bojči himself remained fairly sober - he'd had a few, but stopped drinking hours ago, distracting himself with his phone still.
'Come on. Let's walk.'
As soon as I heard that, I jumped straight out of my seat.
The journey back to the apartment was short and brisk; I took steps a lot quicker than I would have usually, like if I increased my speed I would also increase my chances of having a good conversation with Lilia. I ignored the way Bojan and Jure exchanged glances as they tried to keep up with my pace; my focus was not on them, nor on the prospect of seeing Nace and Kris like the pair had assumed. My brain chanted the same word over and over again, which I'm sure everyone would be able to guess without the need for my input.
I was about to bring this back around.
'Fucking hell, I'm so happy we're allowed back.' I started. 'I'm not sure how much longer I could've drank for.' Words just toppled out of my mouth, in excitement and apprehension all at the same time. As much as I wanted to construct something to say to her carefully, I was totally incapable. My mind swirled in anticipation, picking up any words I wanted to store for later and taking them away from me, while throwing the first ones it thought of out of my mouth.
I burst through the doors of the apartment block, avoiding the reception and darting straight for the stairs. Thinking rationally, the elevator would probably have brought us up quicker, but I had adrenaline that would not have been able to deal with being stood still for that length of time. Bojči shouted for me to come back down, but was I fuck about to conform to him. Instead, I took 2 steps at a time up the staircase, reaching the first floor in a matter of seconds. Then the second, which was where our apartment was.
I fumbled for my keys as I dashed to the door, my mind full of words and thoughts and feelings that needed sorting. But only one person could sort them out, and in order for her to be able to, I would need to open this fucking lock.
Before I had the chance, the door swung open, and Nace appeared in front of me.
'Where is she? How is she? I can see her, right, she'll let me see her?' The questions fell out of my head like a waterfall that had been blocked by a dam for too long. 'Let me in Nace, we need to talk this out. Please.'
Yet his face remained somber.
'She's not here, Jan. She's gone.'