𝗝 𝗔 𝗞 𝗘
My eyes open to darkness except the candles I left lit. The cold, musky smell of vanilla and chocolate with a masculine hint gives me comfort and helps me get the few hours of sleep I do get. My eyes adjust and I remember that I'm in my room. I take a quick glance and, empty. As it always is except for Vito who loves to sleep snuggled in my jacket on the sofa in front of my window. I turn over and the imprint of a body lies next to me.
Why is this familiar ? My body controls itself and sits up on the side of the bed, completely ignoring the mysterious body in my bed. I stared at the floor that seemed to be flooded with a layer of water but for some reason my feet were still dry.
"Babe ? Are you okay ?" A voice muffled. The voice was nearly inaudible but my subconscious mind knew whagvwas said.
"Yes My Love. I'm alright, go back to bed" My mouth spoke. Not again. I'm not sure I'm even surprised anymore.
"Baby you're up again, what's the matter ? Look at me"
I turned and looked at her face. So, so very beautiful. So pure and even with sleep in her eyes they still blaze into mine. She kissed me, pulling me into her arms. I can't feel it. Why can't I feel it ? I pulled her closer, squeezing her body with all my strength. My nails dug into her skin but nothing brings her close. Nothing helps me feel her touch. Her face, shoulders, waist, thighs. I pulled and scratched for her, hoping to feel something.
It's like trying to run in your sleep and only speed walking. Or trying to fight off someone and barely grazing them. I never stop trying to feel her but each time it's the same situation. I know I'm pulling her but I can't feel her body in my hands and it's frustrating. She pulled from the kiss and placed another on my head. Tears flooded my eyes and the longing grew more.
"I've got you. Just rest"
"Stay" I wept in her chest. She's going again.
"I'm here, just rest"
"Love don't leave me ! Please !"
"Shhh" The voice faded with her body and I was alone again. Darkness.
"STOP !! Please you're hurting me !!! MOMMY !!" This voice belonged to a little boy. He screamed in terror and pain.
"SHUT UP BOY!" A man's voice growled loudly. Anger.
"Don't hurt him !" Another young boy. Younger than the first.
"Shut up!! Don't say anything!"
"You don't know how to mind your business ?"
My eyes opened and there they were. The man had the boy bawled up in a corner with his hands held high, shielding his body. The man was in control obviously. His fists bawled tightly and dripping with blood. Across the room was the youngest boy, he protested against the ordeal. This angered the man and he walked over to the younger boy with aggression in his demeanor.
A slap to his face sent him to the ground in tears. His pale skin was reddened and imprinted with the large hand. Tears fell across his face probably burning from the hard hit. Blood dripped from the poor boy's nose onto his quivering lip.
"DONT HIT HIM !" The older boy ran up, beating the man with a bat he grabbed from the corner. With that same bat, the man snatched away and beat the boy to his blackout.
No vision, barely conscious but his hearing hadn't been impaired. "Raise another hand at me boy and I'll kill you ! And that bitch !"
Fives faces flashed. Three girls, two boys. All blurred but familiar. They have the sweetest aura and in those quick seconds I feel whole. Like my heart had never been hurt and anything before then didn't matter. And then a scream.
Pain. My body filled with pain and exhaustion. The early morning sunlight peeked through my curtains. 7 AM. My chest heaved and tears were already drying on my cheeks. The first day back in my bed and I can't even sleep peacefully. I cursed to myself and sat up in bed, palming my head and resting my elbows on my knees. For this exact reason I never room with anyone on tour if it's not one of the guys and rarely then. I would scare the shit out of of anybody else and I can't burden my brothers with it.
"God help me" I whispered to myself.
While taking care of my hygiene I made sure I had nothing to do and texted Ms.J. For seven years she's been devoted to helping me and these past years have been the hardest that she's seen. I pay her well because I know it's a handful to deal with everything wrong with me but she's insists on helping me. I tried to decline her help, find a new therapist and even just quit therapy all together but she's gotten attached to me.
She broke her code of ethics because she feels for me and for that I'm forever grateful of her. She helps more than she knows even if I'm still fucked up in the head. She's on maternity leave right now so she has her good friend GeOrGE MAlOrY evaluating me. I've seen seven different therapists just out of suspicion and they all say the same thing. Ms.J, or Jennifer as she wants me to call her, gave me the same diagnosis years ago but she knows it's deeper than whatever their educational background can tell them. Nothing medical can fix me, if I can be fixed at all.
Something besides her anyway.
I made myself breakfast and ended up staring at the pill bottles on my nightstand. Pfft. Coming from an ex heroin user, that's a lot of drugs. I'm not taking those. Absolutely not. I made myself warm tea to have with my breakfast and leaned against the counter. The large window directly across from my kitchen is perfect for sunrise watching. It's also where my balcony is. Straight ahead is the grey 'L' shaped sofa and living room set to match.
The sun is so peaceful. I walked over to the door on the side and stepped out onto the balcony. The warmth from the sun on my cold, pale skin wakes me up from my exhaustion and the bright colors boost my serotonin. From here I can see all the buildings of downtown and just below I see the section where most residents have bonfires. My greatest memory to date from here was watching an old couple read together with their wine and cozy blankets. Love looks wonderful. But that shit is worse than drugs. It's vicious.
Downing my tea I sit it aside and push my hairs from my face. It's been in this little bun since I got out of the shower. Just as I felt a hint of relaxation I heard the ringtone of my phone going off. This early it can only be one person and he's probably drunk, needing a ride home because he can't drive. An older siblings job is never done even when they can care for themselves.
𝗜 𝗠 𝗔 𝗡 𝗜
Flowers. Not one, two or even three but four. I don't know what the whole purpose of this was but it was damn stupid. After the date last night I went over to Cal's for a while and then he brung me home. When I fell asleep everything was fine and also when I woke up. It was when I walked into my kitchen that I almost shit myself.
On my counter sat four bright orange lilies and a note. No one has a key to my place but Dej and she was with me or at home all night and either way Dej wouldn't leave me flowers and a note. Who the hell left me flowers and how the hell did they get in my flat ?
I hesitantly pushed the flowers aside and picked up the note.
~ Ti vedrò presto amore mio
[I will see you soon My Love]
So not only are they a stalker but they assume I speak another language. They're not very good at stalking. Lucky me, I get bored and study random shit at night and after reading a second time I picked up 'Amore mio' which happens to be 'my love" in Italian. My heart fell out of my ass and at my feet. I'm quite smart if I'm being honest and I know for a fact coincidences aren't this coincidental. There's only one Italian I know. The same one that calls me 'My Love'
There's no way right ? When did this idiot learn Italian ? When did he come to my place ? How did he get in ? How didn't I hear him ? Why the fuck is he in London in the first place ? How does he even know where I live ? Should I call the police ?
Of course not Imani what good will that do ?
Paranoia set in. I didn't have the courage to figure out the rest of the note. This is no stranger stalking me. This is more like love trying to bite me in the ass. I don't have time to think about this I'm gonna be late for work.
I left everything in its spot and went to work. On my way I had the urge to contact him. Question everything I just thought of but I couldn't. I'm not even sure how to feel. I'm angry because he broke in, sad because I didn't get to see him and also loosing my mind because if he can get in, anyone can.
I thought I could get myself buried into the cute eyes of big baby cats or a large elephant with testicles the size of my head but nothing could erase it from my mind. What am I gonna do ?
Why are you never real?
Whenever you appear
You leave me with that grace
I am trembling with fear
But I know that you will disappear
Just as I awake
Whisper in my ear
~The Apparition
———————————————————————————
Another Quick Note: So um me personally, I don't speak Italian but he does though so yeah if you know, you know
Thoughts ??
Comments ??
Questions ??