After his talk with Dex, Keefe spent the next few days really focusing on what Dex had told him.
Trying to tell himself he wasn't worthless. Wasn't a big screw-up. Tell himself that even when he made mistakes, it was just part of life—mistakes and wrong choices were not unique to Keefe Sencen. Everyone dealt with them and what mattered was how you overcame them.
He told Ro he was going to try to be less sulky and less consumed with self-hatred.
He had tried his whole life to avoid being that person, the one who hated themselves. Because he knew it was a short step from hating yourself to hating everyone else, and he really didn't want that. But when his mistakes started having huge consequences, and the results of having an evil mom made it even more extreme...it had become a lot harder not to blame himself for everything.
But deep down, he knew he had to break that crazy cycle before it consumed him.
He may already feel worthless—but he would truly be worthless to his friends if he continued down that path.
He had always been careful to cling to his own sense of self-worth, despite his upbringing.
He believed every person had value.
It was just harder to believe that about himself sometimes—especially lately.
So he'd just have to work harder.
But it was hard not seeing Foster. She was always good at making him feel worthwhile and would probably have words of wisdom on how to fix his inner monologue. But in a way, he felt this was something he needed to work on by himself. Not that his friends couldn't help, but this felt...private. Like a battle he was fighting with himself—no one apart from Dex and Ro knew he was waging this war.
But still. He wished he could see Foster. None of them were allowed in the Healing Center, to avoid drawing attention to the fact that she and Fitz were in there.
He knew he could—and probably should—check in with her, and almost hailed her several times, but for some reason he just...couldn't. He needed to stay focused on what he was doing. Biana told him Foster was increasingly bored, but seemed okay. And he was searching Everglen as meticulously as he could, which took up a lot of time.
Meanwhile, he was trying to come to terms with this latest attack. Focusing on accepting that his role in their injuries was inadvertent and they weren't holding it against him. He was not going to let guilt shatter him.
But then after a few days, his Imparter rang before he left for school.
It was Edaline, of all people. That was unprecedented and a little bit worrying.
"Is Sophie okay?" he asked, frightened, in lieu of a hello. "What's wrong?"
"Oh, yes, everything is fine. Well...not fine, but nothing bad has happened," Edaline explained with a smile.
"Wait, are you at Havenfield?" Keefe asked after hearing a particularly loud roar. He assumed she'd be in the Healing Center.
Edaline sighed. "I think I'm getting on her nerves. No one wants their mom fussing over them all the time. Truthfully, I think the best thing for her right now...would be you."
"Me?" Keefe asked, shocked.
Shocked but delighted.
He knew he was generally good at cheering Foster up. So he was thrilled to have evidence that Edaline knew it too.
And that at least one of Foster's parents didn't hate him.
Edaline laughed, a very knowing glint in her eye. "Yes, you. I'd like to conjure a note to Magnate Leto asking him to give you a pass to the Healing Center. That way, Elwin will let you in and out whenever you want. Well," she said with another laugh, "whenever class isn't actually in session. You're not to ditch class to go hang out with Sophie."
Keefe smirked. "If you insist."
"So is that okay with you?"
"To be given permission to go hang out with my injured friends? And maybe convince Elwin to sneak some funny elixirs to Fitz while he's sedated and defenseless? That's more than okay with me. I've been trying to convince Elwin to let me in, and usually he lets me break the rules, but he wouldn't budge on this one."
Edaline's smile was warm. "Thank you, Keefe. She's having a harder time than she's willing to admit. I'm worried about her."
And she quickly filled him in on the echoes the shadows had left, and how they were interfering with her progress, and how Tam had been working with his Mentor to try to silence those echoes.
And how she didn't seem to have told any of their other friends about it yet.
"Well I promise I'll make Project Fix Foster's Feelings my top priority," Keefe assured her.
"I know you will," Edaline agreed, that dangerously knowing look in her eye again. "I'll conjure the note to Magnate Leto and have him place it in your locker. Probably easier if no other prodigies see him give you a pass to the Healing Center."
With that, the call ended, and Keefe resumed getting ready for school.
And as Edaline promised, there was a note waiting for him in his locker.
Actually, two notes, and a package. The first note was the pass from Magnate Leto.
The second was from Edaline and was attached to what turned out to be a wrapped up slice of mallowmelt.
To sweeten the deal. Thank you for helping us look after our girl. She's lucky to have you—and so are we.
Nope, not gonna cry.
Just gonna shove that mallowmelt in his mouth and go about his day.
Wow, Edaline's mallowmelt was good.
Must be nice to have a mom who loves you and bakes for you and your friends.
Not for the first time, he pictured what it would be like to be dating Foster. He could see himself at Havenfield, helping Grady and Edaline with the menagerie of animals they were rehabilitating and joining them for dinner, talking and laughing, her parents approving of him, enjoying his company.
Saying a rather lengthy goodnight to Sophie, walking hand in hand through the pastures, kissing her under the Panakes...
Keefe shut the thought down.
He had a feeling things were progressing quickly towards a Fitzphie confession, and he couldn't afford to let himself daydream about her too much. At least not in public when his emotions would be harder to hide.
So he reminded himself of the way Foster's emotions always got nervous and fluttery when Fitz looked at her or smiled at her.
Of the way Grady had glared at him the first time he'd seen him after Keefe came back from his months with the Neverseen.
Of the way he'd been calling Keefe 'That Boy' ever since.
And of the way he'd so willingly kicked Keefe while he was down the other day, reminding them all of Keefe's stupid mistakes.
And he didn't blame Grady for that.
Grady was a good dad and a kind person. He loved his daughters.
And he'd already lost one forever because she'd fallen in love with someone who put her in harm's way.
But Keefe wasn't Brant.
He'd die before intentionally putting Sophie in danger.
He was grateful that Edaline still liked him.
It put him one step closer to getting in good with Grady.
That way, if Sophie ever...
And despite his best efforts, he spent morning orientation picturing what life would be like if Sophie Foster ever finally chose him.