October 2013:
Three months later and one month after Brittney comes home:
Brittney was released four weeks ago, and she seems to be doing better. The doctor prescribed her some meds to help with her anxiety and depression. She seems to be stabilizing.
I am so happy to see her smile at the kids; the day I picked her up, she thanked me for making her go.
Virgil and Kristen came to visit her like four times. He thanked me for taking care of his grandchildren. He told me he could see that I was in love with Brittney; just give her some time before I tried to get her back.
I told him Brittney was very special to me and would always be the love of my life. Right now, she needed a friend, and that is the only thing I was here for was to support her and our kids. I don't know if she will ever be ready to move on. If so, then great, and if not, then that's fine as well. I am not going anywhere.
He smiled and shook my hand then he and his daughter left. I was dating Daisy, but she got really mad when I told her about Cody's accident. She didn't like the fact I was staying here afterward and didn't understand that was because of my kids and her kids.
I was pretty sure I made it clear that Brittney would always be in my life and Brittney would always come first when we first started dating. She told me to fuck off and hung up.
I still haven't left Brittney's. I want to make sure she is back on track and able to take care of herself and our kids. I am mainly just here to help her if she needs it, but she is doing things herself. I do cook and do the dishes just because when we were married, I didn't do enough.
We all sat down on the couch and watched a movie last night. I helped her carry the kids to their rooms. For a moment, I forgot we weren't married anymore.
She smiled, kissed me on the cheek, and then went to her room. I stood there watching her. I love her so much that if we never got another chance, I would be okay as long as she was happy. Her happiness is all that matters. I hurt her when that happened, but hopefully, she can see how much I have changed since she left me.
It's almost time for Halloween, and I know Cody not being here will be felt by her and the kids; they always did family themes. I asked her the other night about it, and she said she wasn't sure what they were going to do this year.
I want her to ask me about doing a theme with them, but I don't know if she will, and I don't want to invite myself into their family things. I walked to the room I was staying in and laid down.
She has flown down to Atlanta twice since she was released. She came back looking happier. I think she is finally understanding that Cody is gone, and she has to keep going.
Brittney's POV:
Life is getting a little easier. I can breathe now without feeling so much weight in my chest. I was so mad when Jordan told me I was going to a mental hospital, but I didn't know how much better I would be.
I am so thankful to him for making me go. When we were married, he would never force me to do anything. Now, he has stepped into the role of friend and my support system.
It has been a very long seven months since my husband was killed. I was able to discuss everything, my anger and frustration for him being gone. I was able to talk about losing our baby, which, in fact, wasn't a baby, but to me, it felt like I lost Cody all over again.
She helped me understand why I felt that way. My doctor went above and beyond to help me get through his loss. She told me the best thing I could do when I was ready was to move on and try to find love again.
Jordan has been so amazing. He hasn't tried anything, and he has been right there for me. Could I ever love him again? Honestly, I never stopped loving Jordan, but I love Cody more. Jordan has changed so much since we divorced.
He has stood beside me the entire time to help me through losing Cody. I know he asked me about the kids Halloween costumes, but that was something I did with Cody. I had asked Jordan when we were married, and he laughed and replied with no thank you.
Cody loved Halloween. I just don't know if that's something I can ask Jordan to do. It would be like he is stepping into Cody's shoes.
She still had all of Cody's suits in the closet, and no one could wear them. She had talked to Dustin and Virgil about doing a charity auction and giving the profits to charities that Cody supported. He supported St. Jude and a pet foundation. She was going to hold an auction, and all the money raised would support these two charities in Cody's name.
Cody always spoke to her about his donations, and she always supported him. His life insurance and the insurance from their insurance and the other driver were received while she was in the hospital.
She looked at the checks when she came home and thought this is what my husband's life was worth. I would give it all back and everything we own just to have him here with me.
So, in February, she is holding an auction, and Vince has agreed to air promos for the auction. She was going to auction all of his full suits. She had kept a few of his shirts that she enjoyed wearing. She was going to keep a few of his t-shirts for the kids and a suit for Tristan.
She had finally removed her wedding band last week. She put the set in her safe with Cody's to be passed to their kids when they were older. Natalie would receive her set from Jordan, and Jordan was going to give Nathaniel his ring. They would give Jayden a ring that his dad had given him when his mother and father divorced.
We sat and watched a movie with the kids the other night, and it was almost like we were a family again. He helped me get them in bed, and then I kissed his cheek and walked to my room alone.
It's too soon to even think about someone other than Cody. I finally washed the clothes in the hamper when he died. That was hard, but it was a step forward. I kept a few of his shirts and a pair of his boxers he had worn. I sleep in those every night.
I sit down and look at themes for the kids Halloween costumes; they are all family themes. The seven dwarfs would be great with a snow white, but we need one more person. I shut my computer, frustrated.
I get this calm feeling and something telling me to invite Jordan in. I shake my head, trying to figure out what is going on. I get another feeling that tells me Cody is fine; he is happy. Then it's gone, and I am sitting there trying to figure out what just happened.
On Halloween night, we had all dressed up, and it just wasn't a family theme. The girls dressed like witches, and the boys dressed like sorcerers. Jordan dressed like a voodoo skeleton, I was a sexy witch.
We went to all of Jordan's family as we have done every year; they were laughing at Jordan, and he told them to shut up. Jon snapped a picture of him and said he was posting that. Jordan smacked him on the head.
We went to the festival in town because Jordan knew that's what we did with Cody. The kids got a bunch of candy. We went home, and the little ones were worn out; we cleaned them up and put them to bed and then went down and watched a movie with our three kids.
I kept noticing how Jordan was taking this all in. A movie night with his family, and even tho we weren't married anymore, we have always been a family since we reconnected.
Cami wasn't able to attend the funeral, but she came down when we returned, and she hugged me so tight. She apologized to me over and over for not being able to attend.
She has called me every week to check on me. I called her when I was in the hospital and told her what was going on. She was a little upset at me for not talking to her about me struggling so badly.
She got married last year, and she is currently expecting. I was surprised about her starting a family, but then again, look how old I was when I had the twins. I am glad she finally found someone that makes her happy.
We are still best friends, but we have just drifted apart. I guess that's what happens when you become an adult married with kids. She asked me why Jordan was staying with me, and I told her he had really been helpful after Cody passed away. He stood beside me the entire time.
She was like your life is so cool, always surrounded by celebrities, all those hot wrestlers and Jordan and Jon Knight. Our third anniversary came and went while I was struggling with his death. Christmas will be here soon, and as usual, everyone will be at our house.
Jon made me a shadow box for Cody's stuff, and it looks so great. His boots and outfit sit in there. Pictures of him and I with our kids. The floral arrangement and all of it will stay right there as long as I am alive.
Life has been so much easier if I can just get through the holidays. We just celebrated Nathaniel's ninth birthday. Jayden's eighth will be in January. Then, our little princess Natalie will be seven in April. Kristen and Tristan will be three in March, and the next day will be one year since Cody passed away.
The closer it gets, the more anxious I get. I just need to keep going with one foot in front of the other. I will celebrate our baby's birthday and then fly to Atlanta to visit Cody.
I am focused on getting through the holidays. Then I will focus on the birthdays and then get through that day.
Randy and Ted did show up after two months, but they saw I was in really bad shape. They still call me every week. They take turns, and when I was in the hospital, Michelle and Randy came to visit me, as did Virgil and Kristen.
Randy even hinted at something between Jordan and me. I told him he had been so great, and he hadn't even made a move. Randy smiled and said well, the relationship has changed not sure how, but like you aren't exes anymore.
We are still exes, and we are just in sync since he has been staying with me and the kids. He leaves for the tour next summer, and even that is stressing me out.
He asked me if the kids and I would like to join him on tour so that I didn't have to be alone with them for so long. I told him we would think about it but that I thought we needed the time alone. I know he worries about me, afraid I will slip back into that deep depression. I am doing better, and he hasn't left. He has ran to his house and grabbed clothes and stuff, but he won't leave me alone. Some days, I am thankful for that. Others, I just want to be alone.
The other day, when I looked at Jordan, I saw the man I once loved, not the ex who broke my heart. I had to snap myself out of that. I mean, I know it has been months, but I can't go there yet. I have to make sure I am ready for that step with Jordan.