Some people just don't listen.
When someone takes the time to booby-trap the hallway, weld the door shut, guard the entrance with an army of undead rubber chickens, and even put up a sign that says "Do Not Enter The Tomb of the Forbidden Idol," most people would take the hint. But not dungeon raiders. The only way they'd take a hint is if they thought they could sell it to the highest bidder.
Once the last undead chicken was un-killed and the door was clubbed open, it took exactly two minutes and forty-three seconds for them to ransack the inner sanctum of everything shiny and/or magic. If it was too heavy, they'd leave it for the looter squad to grab later. Otherwise, it went in a bag or on the cart. The raiders had this down to a science.
But distant rumbling, rushing winds and a dim illumination coming from the deepest tunnels caused the raiders to pause.
Explosions.
And they were getting closer.
Realizing what was happening, one of them shouted the time-tested war cry: "Everybody run!"
***
Three Hours Earlier...
Main Protagonist arrived at the dungeon entrance, hunting a rumor. It was the fifth rumor this month. With any luck, this would be the one that would finally pay off.
Outside the dungeon entrance, right on the outskirts of nowhere, the Emperor's dungeon raiders had built a temporary vault to house their loot. The vault was essentially a log cabin with thick double doors on one side, set in the middle of a clearing. A squad of 20 soldiers stood guard around the walls and entrance, spears and tower shields at the ready. More soldiers stood ready outside the dungeon entrance, just about 100 feet away. Main stayed out of sight, along a path just past the treeline.
Main took a deep breath. Logically, he knew that there was no reason to be nervous. His plan was good. It would work, or at least that was what he told himself. There was just something about trying to steal a valuable magical artifact from the Evil Emperor that made Main want to crawl into a corner and hide.
Psyching himself up, Main started walking toward the vault.
"Stop!" a voice called as soon as Main was in view.
Five soldiers surrounded Main, spears pointed inches away from his neck. All of the guards eyes were deep purple.
"No one is allowed inside," the lead guard said. His purple eyes had a glazed-over look, and the unemotional, matter-of-fact tone of his voice seemed to clash with the deadly serious weapon he was using to terrorize a 17-year old.
Main gulped. "I'm an official accountant, sent by the authority of the Emperor to inspect this operation," he said, barely keeping the tremor out of his voice.
The glazed-over look in the guards' eyes stayed unchanged. After a little while, the lead guard repeated, "No one is allowed inside."
Despite still being threatened, Main couldn't help but roll his eyes a little. Main understood that these men were being mind controlled, but at this point they were practically NPCs. "I have paperwork," he said.
That got the guards' attention.
"We obey the paperwork," the lead guard said.
Main fumbled in his bag for a moment and eventually pulled out an ornate scroll, sealed with wax. He handed it to the guard, who opened it. It had the Emperor's seal intricately inscribed in red and gold ink in the corner. There was a sketch inside, which the guard compared with Main's face.
The sketch matched, of course. Main had worked as an imperial accountant for nearly a year. Being employed by an evil dictator with a penchant for mind control had its downsides, but it paid the bills.
The guard nodded, signaling the others to lower their spears.
"You are still not allowed inside," the guard said. "You would need permission from someone with higher clearance."
Main winced. He'd been worried about this. Reluctantly, he pulled out another scroll.
Where the last scroll had been red and gold, this scroll was a dull orange and yellowish-copper. Main hadn't been able to find the right colors of ink, unfortunately. He'd also been forced to fake the imperial coat of arms using half a potato carved with a picture of a lion.
On the paper, Main had written a brief command, using his fanciest handwriting:
Do whatever this guy tells you to do.
Signed,
Emperor Tieron
P.S. Don't ask any questions.
Main held his breath, getting ready to run if things went sour. These guards weren't exactly smart, but Main knew he could only push them so far before they figured out-
"I will obey the paperwork," the lead guard said.
Main was shocked to realize that he honestly hadn't expected that to work. The paper was passed around to the other guards, who nodded as well. A few of them even saluted Main.
Having an army of mind-controlled soldiers, as it turns out, has its trade-offs. On the one hand, legions of soldiers that never run away or question orders must be extraordinarily convenient for an Evil Emperor trying to take over the world.
On the other hand it also meant that, with the right paperwork, you could do almost anything and no one would stop you.
At least, temporarily. As per regulation, the paperwork that Main had just handed the guard would need to be submitted to the palace. As soon as they figured out that the paperwork was fake, these guards would receive new orders to hunt Main to the ends of the earth. But for now, at least this bought Mainain some time.
"Uhhhhh wow, great! *Ahem* That's great," Main said. "Now let me in the vault."
"I will obey the paperwork," the lead guard said.
The guards opened the door. Main rushed into the room and, as soon as the door was closed, he locked every latch and deadbolt he could see. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. With any luck, Main wouldn't be leaving the way that he'd come in.
Finally, Main turned around and came face to face with the vault that he'd spent the last three weeks trying to break into. Rows and rows of shelves filled the large, one-room log cabin. Light streamed in through tight barred windows, set in the walls around seven feet up. Racks of weapons were arrayed on the walls, and tiny bronze plaques labeled a variety of drawers.
This vault held the most valuable resource that this world had to offer. A resource that the Emperor had ordered his brainwashed minions to fight and die for.
Magic.
***
Three hours later, Main wasn't any closer to finding what he'd come for.
According to the rumor he'd heard, the Emperor's dungeon raiders had found a "Ring of Teleportation," capable of teleporting anywhere. Supposedly, it was silver with emerald green arrows along the side. Assuming that rumor was true, that would mean the ring was somewhere in this vault. In theory, it should have taken him around five minutes to find the ring, another five minutes to figure out how it worked, and Main could teleport home in time for dinner.
In theory, that is.
Main used a set of iron tongs he'd found to gingerly pick up a magic sword. The air was thick with orange sparks and the scent of ozone, a clear sign of the dense concentration of magic in this room.
"Careful..." Main muttered to himself, holding the magic sword with his tongs the way a germaphobe holds a biohazard bag. Every magic item had a trigger and an effect. Without activating it first, it was almost impossible to know ahead of time what would set it off or what it would do, but Main wasn't taking any chances.
Main set the sword down on top of a pile that he was affectionately calling "Definitely Not A Ring."
While some of the many, many magic items in the vault were sorted into shelves and drawers, Main hadn't been able to figure out any rhyme or reason in where they were put. It honestly seemed like things were just tossed wherever there was space. However, most of the priceless, irreplaceable, superweapons were stuffed unceremoniously in a corner.
Main wiped his brow and sat down for a quick break. He wished that he had thought to bring water or something to eat, but he'd expected to be either teleported back to Kingston, California or arrested by now.
Boooom
The sound of an explosion outside the vault made Main jump. The second explosion made him jump higher.
BOOOOM
Main scrambled up one of the shelves to look out one of the tiny windows set high into the wall. Outside, soldiers scrambled to get into formation. Men wearing singed, tattered scraps of armor ran from the dungeon entrance, clutching weapons like children holding teddy bears.
Angry, orange firelight radiated from inside the dungeon, outlining a figure walking slowly toward the dungeon entrance.
The lead guard that Main had met earlier started shouting orders. "Garrison! Form a shield wall twenty feet from the entrance. Archers, to the right flank! Wait until I say to shoot! Raiders, to the left flank! Stand ready to cut off its retreat!"
The outline came more and more into focus until the figure finally stepped into the daylight.
"Forsooth, everybody. How's it hanging?" the wizard said. "You cool cats wouldn't happen to possess any cold medicine, would you?"
Main stared in disbelief. He'd heard stories about wizards. They tended to be very short stories.
The wizard looked exactly how everyone imagines wizards to look. An old man with a long white beard, wearing a bent pointy hat and baggy purple robes. Most people would have assumed he was just a harmless, eccentric old man, right up until they saw the glint of madness in his eyes and the strange orange sparks floating around his head.
Even though every soldier was mind controlled to never show fear, some visceral part of them caused them to back up a few steps from the all-powerful madman.
"Compose yourself, my good chaps," the wizard said, oblivious. "I don't think I'm contagious... ah... ahhhh... AHHHH-"
BOOOOOOM
The wizard's explosive sneeze launched him up, up, and out of Main's sight. Ten seconds passed, and finally the wizard came crashing back down, leaving a small crater where he landed.
"Woah, that was a head rush," the wizard cackled. "Let's do it again!"
"Attack! While he's disoriented," the lead guard ordered. Nearly a dozen soldiers surrounded him and started stabbing. Each stab made a boingy sound.
Of all the things for the universe to make nearly unkillable, it had to be wizards.
"Hahaha- Stop it -hahaha! That tickles," the wizard said between breaths.
Orange sparks gathered in the air above the soldier's heads as they frantically tried to stab the cackling wizard. They began to form strange symbols that crackled with power
Main decided it was time to cut his losses, ring or no ring. He hopped down from the shelf and rushed to the door to undo the latches and locks.
Outside, Main heard honking noises. Were those geese?
"Oh, the feathers!" the wizard said on the other side of the door. "Ah... ahhhhh... AHH-"
BOOOM
The double doors exploded inward, blowing Main backwards into the shelves of magic items. Somehow, in a room full of magic swords, axes, spears, and generally pointy things, Main managed not to get himself impaled.
When the dust settled, Main laid on the pile of vaguely-magical rubble. He'd never had a concussion before, but he was pretty sure he had a concussion. Then he opened his eyes and his possible brain damage became a secondary priority.
Three different vials of potion were cracked and leaking onto Main's shirt, mixing and sparking and bubbling ominously. At this point, the magic could turn him into a bar of soap, it could give him superhuman strength until he touched his toes, it could permanently reverse the pull of gravity, or the potions could all cancel out and do nothing. There was no way to tell.
Outside, the wizard fell from the sky again. Swarms of bloodthirsty geese, apparently summoned by the wizard, chased the scattered soldiers, showing no mercy.
"I wonder if there's any cold medicine in here?" the wizard said, wandering into the vault. He walked up to one of the shelves and examined the few unbroken potion vials.
Main sat up, trying to shake off the disorientation. He was about to try to get out of the wizard's blast radius when he noticed someone on the ground a few feet away.
A silver ring with emerald green arrows on the side. His ticket home.
Main lunged for the ring but was stopped by some kind of blue forcefield surrounding him. As he tried to push against it, the potions he'd spilled all over himself glowed with the same blue color. It was like being trapped in some kind of giant, magical hamster ball. As Main stepped forward, the forcefield ball rolled along the ground, but Main couldn't grab the ring.
"No!" Main yelled, his fingers literally inches away from the thing he'd been searching for for months.
"Jumping Jehoshaphat! I found the cold medicine, fr fr," the wizard said. "Now I just gotta uncork this... ahhh... ahhhhh... oh bother.... AHHHHH-"
BOOOOOOOM!
Main and his magical hamster ball were launched through the vault's roof and into the sky, leaving behind the one thing he wanted most in the world.