I haven't seen Brinna in two days and I think my heart is about to explode if I have to be away from her any longer than I already have been. She asked me to meet her for lunch on Thursday, and obviously, I wasn't going to tell her no.
I might have lied and made it seem like I truly wasn't busy, but there was no way I could tell her I was cleaning blood out of the room in my basement that was currently holding the body of the man who tried to rob Zayn during a deposit.
I know he's starting to get pissed at me for flaking out on our responsibilities but Brin comes first, always, no matter what I'm doing. I couldn't tell her no even if I wanted to, but I didn't want to at all.
Which is getting me into trouble. I'm supposed to double our intake by the end of the month, and while it seems easy enough to just throw some extra fake cash into the bag before I take it to the bank, I can't just double it without it looking suspicious. I keep our income pretty indistinguishable so any big outlier is going to get looked into. I have to figure out a way to draw more people into the club so it looks legit.
I've been so caught up in Brinna that I fell behind again which means I've been at Treasure Chest for the last two days, working on dividing up the washed cash to pay people and the unwashed cash so everyone can clean it. We've been slowing down a lot lately, and I need to fix it before I let it get too far gone. Zayn's been reminding me that while I do run this operation, I'm not the one in charge of the entire thing, and the woman who is will not hesitate to end me.
I was so close to asking Brinna if she would stay in my penthouse so I could crawl into bed with her both nights after I finished working. I would have loved nothing more than for her to be waiting for me, dressed in my clothes and lying in my sheets. She's never even been in my home before but it felt emptier every time I walked back into it without her.
I let her know that I would be extra busy with the club so she didn't think I was leaving her and I texted her every chance I got. Maybe it was overkill, but my triple texts were surely proof to her that I'm not going anywhere, right? I just needed her to know that even when I'm not with her, she's the only thing on my mind. I made sure to tell her good morning and good night, I sent her dinner, and I even had one of my hoodies delivered to her house for her to sleep with while I couldn't be next to her.
She asked me to do none of that. She was perfectly fine with me having to work since I've been with her pretty much every waking moment I can be, but that doesn't mean I don't feel an unabating need to make sure she's taken care of and comfortable if I can't be with her.
I don't know when she'll forgive me for leaving her the first time but I'm doing what I can to prove to her I'll be better while also trying to make sure I don't get brutally murdered by an elderly woman for skipping my day job.
Luckily though, I can stop obsessing over her from a distance because I've finished with distributions and I'm taking her out tonight. I haven't told her that yet, but I've been texting her all day and I know she isn't doing anything tonight, so I'm going to surprise her and take her to one of the more relaxed spots. It'll be just the two of us and a good view.
To: Bandit 8:46 pm
I hope you're awake, pretty girl...
The car is parked in its usual spot in front of her building and I'm leaning against the door with my arms crossed. I haven't brought her flowers because she said she isn't ready to get rid of the ones I sent to her work days ago. I'll be honest, I don't know what they were, I've never heard of hydrangeas, but the florist said they were beautiful and bright, perfect for my Brinna.
From: Bandit 8:48 pm
And if I'm already tucked into bed with my new cuddle buddy?
To: Bandit 8:48 pm
Ditch him and come outside for me baby
My stomach twists in anticipation at the thought of her being next to me again. If this were a normal situation, I wouldn't let myself fall so hard and fast. Actually, if this were normal, I wouldn't be standing here. I would be fucking another random girl from my club, snorting lines, and I wouldn't ever know Brin. But my time on this earth is limited and I want to fill it with her.
I feel like I breathe better when she's near me. Like her presence literally calms my entire soul to the point where I don't have to worry about the inevitable because at least in the meantime I'm spending it with someone who lets me love them the way I, myself, need to be loved.
I'm trying to push away the guilt that comes with falling for her though, because even though I try to not think about it, she's going to be without me. My goal isn't to hurt her, my goal is to show her how worthy she is of everything this life has to offer. If she happens to fall in love with me like I'm starting to with her, I think that's just an added bonus and an added wound when this whole thing burns to the ground.
Maybe that's incredibly selfish of me. It's a big ask to stay with someone who's dying, and I can't expect her to want to continue on after she finds out. She'll have to find out eventually, there's no way I'll be able to pretend for much longer that stairs don't take my breath away and my dizzy spells are just from standing too fast.
I'm going to tell her soon. I just hope when I finally do, she doesn't leave me for it. I wouldn't blame her, but if she left I would probably go back to my old habits just to speed up the process so I didn't have to think about being without her.
She's the only thing that's ever made me want to get better and if she left me, I would have nothing left to keep me around. I've experienced everything I wanted to except for the way she makes me feel and I don't think I can survive without it.
Her door opens and I push myself off of the car, standing up straighter beside it. She walks down the hallway and through the grass, her arms crossed over her midsection in the breeze. She smiles as she gets closer to me, probably noticing what I did bring her tonight. She looks over the vehicle and my outfit before meeting my eyes again.
"What is... what are you..." She points between me and the pink 1957 Thunderbird behind me. I smile and gesture for her to come closer, pulling her into my chest to peck the tip of her nose.
I pull a matching pair of sunflower sunglasses out of my pocket and put them over her eyes, smiling when she scrunches her nose. "It's dark outside." She laughs with a slight pink tint to her cheeks.
"Never let them know your next move, right? This wouldn't be a proper raccoon bandit adventure without sunglasses," I say, moving to the back seat of the vehicle and bending over to grab something. "I got you a shirt, too."
She takes the black piece of clothing from my hands and opens it to reveal what I had printed onto it. She looks between the shirt and my eyes, amusement and confusion working around her expressions. "Harry... this has your face on it."
I start to unbutton my flannel, moving slowly between each plastic piece. "Indeed it does, pretty girl." I continue down the line, "I was thinking about how I used to call you a tourist and then how shocked I was to find out you aren't one. And it got me wondering, wouldn't you like to pretend we're tourists for a night?" I raise a brow, undoing the last button and pulling open the top to reveal the same black shirt but with her picture on it.
"Oh my god, you're wearing my face on your body," she laughs and smacks her hand on her forehead. "You want us to wear these out somewhere?"
"Mhm." I smile at her. "Matching couple's shirts are the epitome of cheesy tourist shit. I've even got a great place to take you in these." I open her car door, nodding at her to get in. She looks at the car one more time before sitting down in her seat and making herself comfortable.
I walk around the other side and get in myself, adjusting the rear-view mirror with fuzzy dice hanging off of it. I glance over at her admiring the white interior, looking like she's almost afraid to touch it. "Do you like it?" I raise a brow at her gentleness.
"It's really nice. I've never seen such an old car in this condition. Where did you find it?" Her hands run over the leather by the door.
"I know a guy. If you want it, I can buy it off of him." I shrug, secretly hoping she wants it.
The guy I know may or may not work at one of the autobody shops that supply drugs across borders. He may or may not also have a garage full of other classic cars that were bought with unwashed cash and are being used to smuggle copious amounts of narcotics until the vehicle's value doubles and then will be sold for legit cash.
Not this one though, princesses don't ride in drug chariots.
"Harry!" She swats at my thigh. "You're not buying me a car just because I said its nice." She scoffs playfully, shaking her head and buckling her seat belt.
I laugh with her, more so at the fact that she probably doesn't realize the extent of how much I would do for her at the snap of her fingers. A car is nothing, I'll buy her fifty pink cars if she wants. She's got me completely wrapped around her fingers and she has no idea the power she holds.
"You're really going to wear my face the entire night?" She asks me as we pull away from her apartment.
I raise a brow at her and move my hand to rest on her thigh. "I'll wear this shirt every day for the rest of my life, sweet girl. You don't wanna wear mine?" I tease her, not expecting her to actually wear the shirt. She doesn't even know that I got Bandit's Curly and Curly's Bandit embroidered on the back of them.
"Let me guess, Grace helped you find that beautiful picture you decided to plaster all over that poor piece of fabric?" She stares at the tongue-out selfie of her on my chest before putting her own shirt over her head.
"She may have had something to do with it." I nod, feeling the petals of the sunglasses frames poking my cheeks with how wide I'm smiling. My palm is flush on her inner thigh and my fingers curl in on her skin. I can feel the goosebumps forming under my fingers, but it's probably from the breeze flowing through the topless car.
My hand comes up to my bun to pull out the elastic holding it together. I shake out my hair and let the wind take it, my curls flying back and flowing crazily behind me. I rest my head back on my seat and glance over at Brinna. Her eyes are closed under the shades and her hand is hanging out of her window, fingers splayed out.
"Take your hair out, baby. Let it be free," I suggest, glancing between her and the road in front of me. She opens her eyes to look at me. Her hand moves from the top of mine to pull out the braid she has in, waves of brown hair getting tangled by the wind.
My cheeks hurt from smiling at her so hard, I wish I could take a picture of her like this and keep it with me wherever I go. "Beautiful girl..." I mumble, giving her thigh a squeeze. Both of her hands hold my own on her leg now, her fingers grazing over mine.
She's rested back in her seat, gazing out of the window at the lights as we drive down the strip, nearing our destination. She looks so perfect sitting next to me, not having to lift a finger or worry about a single thing in our world. I wish that were true for her world, and I wish she would let me make it happen.
I can't even explain it, but my chest aches in the best way possible at the thought of her being entirely taken care of by me. She deserves a life of luxury and relaxation. If I had all of the time on earth with her, I would build her a fortress with all of her favorite things and I would demand she be pampered all day. I would even feed her grapes off the vine and fan her with palm leaves if that's what she wanted.
"You're going to crash this car if you stare at me any longer, curly." She squeezes my hand and laughs, breaking me out of my mental tangent. I blink my eyes and turn back to the road, my cheeks blushing at her catching me.
I clear my throat and start rubbing her leg again. "So, when I was thinking about something people do here that doesn't include getting wasted, all I had to do was look up and I found it," I say vaguely, hoping she'll do the same and see what I mean.
Her eyes glance around the darkened skyline, stopping when she sees the giant Ferris wheel standing over five hundred feet in the air. She points at it and squints her eyes. "Is it that? I see it from my office all the time."
"It is." I nod, "You can see the entire city from it, all of the exclusive rooftop pools, all of the different themed stores, all of the statues and people. Have you been in it before?"
She shakes her head no as I expected. "I always thought it looked kind of sketchy," she admits, turning slightly to face me. Her arms are crossed over now and her skin is pebbled in goosebumps. "It would be my luck to get into one of the cabins and it falls off at the top or something crazy."
"Well, I've been a few times for some work things. The only part I don't like is getting on and back off." I shake my head. "The thing never stops moving so you have to jump on it while it's leaving the platform. I mean, it's slow enough that it's not like an action movie but it still makes my stomach turn."
"Oh god, you can probably see the ground through the cracks in the platform too, can't you?" She blows out a raspberry like the thought makes her squeamish. "What would you be doing there for work?"
Okay, it wasn't for work. We got drunk and found this place walking the streets and took some girls into it. By we, I mean Niall, Louis, Zayn, and I ordered a bar cart and made the 1/9th of a mile-high club.
"We uh- it was to celebrate the opening. I took some of my employees here and we ordered the party package. You know they allow up to 25 people in those cabins? That's crazy, right?" I give her a useless fact, trying to get the topic off of why I've been here before.
"That's too many people, I would probably die of claustrophobia," she says as I pull the car into a parking lot a street away from the ride. We have to walk down one of the streets with fun shops to get there. I'll have to take her back through here so we can go to the bath shop, she won't let me but I'm going to start her pampering with that if I can't hire her a masseuse.
I park and shut off the car, the two of us unbuckling and getting out. I walk around to her side of the car, trying to catch her door before she closes it. "You know, my dad would kill me for not opening your door and helping you out of the car, Bandit," I joke, not entirely sure where that came from or why it fell from my lips so naturally.
I've been thinking about my parents a lot lately. I grew up believing that my dad was a whipped prick with no backbone, but the right woman makes you want to drop everything and get on your knees and I understand that now. I thought his constant obsession with my mom was strange for a man. We didn't have much, but he never stopped doing everything he could for her. He loved that woman until his very last breath, and he never for a second let her think otherwise.
We weren't very close with each other because I was horrible to both of them, but emotionally I used to really hurt Mom. He always stood up for her and instead of telling me to not speak to my mother like that, he would say don't speak to his wife that way, like she was his to protect more than mine to mistreat.
I'm turning into the same whipped prick with no backbone and Brinna is the reason for it.
I'm glad my dad constantly showed me how to treat a woman despite me believing it was all bullshit. I didn't listen to him, but he never stopped treating her like a princess, so the information just seeped into my brain, I guess. It's proving to be useful now and even though I see my princess try to hide her smile, I know she wants to be loved. I hope Dad would be proud of me.
I'll have to tell him all about you when I see him again, baby.
My heart hurts at the memory of my parents and the way I drained them together. I purposely made sure to make their lives hell and I succeeded. I haven't seen my mom since he died, and even that was just her being courteous enough to tell me. She didn't think I would show up to his funeral and when I did, she wanted nothing to do with me.
I stop our walking, the two of us connected by our hands. She stops a step ahead of me and turns slightly to look back. The world around us keeps moving but mine is in front of me with blue eyes and a shy smile.
I don't know what's happening to me, my nose is burning like tears are running through my ducts and the lights strung up in the trees are only adding to the out-of-this-world ache I feel, tugging me closer to her so we can be together.
Like a magnet, I pull her body into mine and wrap her arms around my neck so she holds me like I need right now. I loop my arms around her waist and hug her small frame to me, the beat of her heart drowning out the sounds of laughter and banter moving through the street.
I nuzzle my face into her neck and breathe in her scent of vanilla and flowers. My eyes close and I bite my lip to stop it's shaking. Her arms tighten around my neck, her fragile hand finding its way to a few strands of loose hair, twirling it around to match the feeling in my stomach.
"Harry?" she whispers next to my ear. "Are you okay?"
I'm perfect, Brinna. I'm just having revelations and my soul needs yours closer. You mean the world to me and I can't tell you that because I know it's going to freak you out. I'll wait for you to feel the same way baby, but please don't take too much longer. I need to hear you say it before I go.
"You're cold, pretty girl." I breathe out and blink away my emotions. I ease the crease between my brows before pulling away to look at her. She looks puzzled at my sudden affection. I remove my hold from her and shrug off my flannel. "Arms in, Bandit," my voice is still hushed as I try to collect my thoughts.
She turns around, putting her arms into my still-warm shirt. I adjust it on her shoulders and kiss her cheek from behind her. "That's better, yeah?" I plant another kiss on her hairline by her ear. "Let's get going now," I say, rubbing her shoulders before holding her hand in mine again to walk us into the building we need to be in.
We go up an elevator and through a hallway that leads out to the platform of the Ferris wheel. The attendant nods at us and explains what I already told her, to just walk into the next open cabin that comes down.
She looks at me nervously and then back to the circular chamber steadily approaching, I wiggle my eyebrows and gesture for her to step in it first. She squeaks a little as she steps over the slight crack between the platform and the car and I step in after her with a chuckle. The attendant locks the door as we drift away from him.
She stands in the middle of the small room as we're now in the air. This ride doesn't start at ground level, so it's a little intimidating when you get fully out of the platform. The cabin we're in is a full 360 view of the city, the entirety of the walls being glass windows. There are two red benches on opposing sides and screens near the roof to tell us how high we are.
The entire Ferris wheel is lit up with pinks and blues, painting our skin with their rays as we inch around the ride. "It's not as scary as it looks," she mumbles out, still firmly planted in the middle of the cabin with her arms crossed in front of her.
"It goes so slowly that you can't even tell you're going up," I add. "Do you want to come to the window with me and look?" I offer, seeing how tense she is but knowing she probably doesn't want to look over the edge alone.
She peeps out an okay and shuffles forward only a couple of inches, causing a deep chuckle to erupt from my chest. I walk over to the window and hold onto the railing with one hand, stretching the other out to coax her to me. "C'mere, I won't let anything happen to you," I promise, even though I know nothing is going to happen because we're locked in here and there's no way to fall.
She nods and relaxes her arms, shuffling forward until she reaches my hand, allowing me to guide her to the railing with me. I pull her next to me and wrap my arm around her waist. Her hands hold onto the railing so tightly that her knuckles are nearly white. I rub circles into her hip as we glance around each hotel, all of the buildings having a different color show on them.
She goes silent as we keep going higher, now halfway to the top of the ride. I focus on her face while she glances around. Her expression is soft but serious like she's deep in thought about more than just the view.
"This doesn't feel real," she mumbles, not blinking as she shakes her head slightly.
"I know, it's crazy to think that we were just one of the people down there, they look like ants wandering around."
She breathes out a short but audible breath. "No, I mean... I mean this doesn't feel real. You don't feel real." Her head drops slightly.
I turn my body to face her more, suddenly concerned about where this is coming from and how it's going to end. "What do you mean?" I question, not even having the ability to form my own conclusions.
"I shouldn't be here." She shakes her head with a sad laugh. "I should be in that office building working every second away before I ruin my life." She points to her work. "I should be staying as far away from Treasure Chest as possible." She glances down to the hotel where my casino and club are currently housed. "I should be locking myself in my house instead of enjoying every single second with you like I do." She turns to face me, eyes sad and lost.
I share her same expression now, the two of us letting her admission float around the cabin like poison in the air. I pull my lips to the side and loosen my grip on her hip without fully letting go.
"Why are you so worried about what you should be doing when you just said you're enjoying what we are doing? You can't live on shoulds, Brin." I shake my head slightly at her, "Maybe what you should be doing is not beating yourself up for the small things that make you happy. Maybe you should be enjoying every moment with the people who are trying to show you how good life is when you stop punishing yourself for whatever scenarios you're making up in your own head."
I should have been a better son. I should have stayed away from Lillith. I should have listened to Peter. I should have started treatments when I had the chance to. I should have stopped drinking myself to death. I should have done a lot of things. I have no more room for shoulds, I only have time to do.
She turns fully out of my grip now, looking almost offended at my response. Her arms cross back over her chest like she feels too exposed from what she told me. "I know you don't understand it because of the life you have, Harry, but I don't get to have good times without there being consequences."
"I really don't understand why, though. We've had plenty of good times and you're fine, aren't you?" I question her, hoping to get more of an explanation as to why she thinks being with me is going to ruin her. I won't lie, the implication kind of hurts because she doesn't even know me without being near her, which I think is the best version of myself. If she thinks this version of me is bad for her, there's no way she'll stay when she figures out the rest.
"People like me don't get real happiness. I get attached until it consumes me and... and I don't want to be like my parents." She looks away from me. "I saw what happened when they got too consumed. They ended up strung out on god knows what and they left me. This isn't real, the high never is. It's only temporary until everything is ruined."
So, her parents are addicts and they made her think that enjoying anything in life too much automatically leads to consequences? She can't have fun because she thinks she'll turn out like they did? Even if her fun has nothing to do with intoxication?
We're 3/4ths of the way to the top now. I'm not entirely sure of the extent of her internal conflict and how much of an issue her parents must have had. They're probably the reason why she ended up having a breakdown every time she left my club.
"You're not going to end up strung out on something from being with me." I furrow my brows.
"It's the feeling of you. I'm going to get addicted to you, and then you're going to leave like everything else does and I'm going to be left in the ashes to start over again. Nothing that feels this good is real. I don't understand you and how you make me feel like this." Her cheeks heat and it sounds like she's working through a lot of things that have both everything and nothing to do with me.
"But... but it is real." I step closer to her, forcing her hands out of their defensive stance on her chest. I press them hard into my neck under my jaw. "I'm real, this is real, Brinna!" I plead, moving my fingers over her own and pressing them into my thumping heart. "That's real, and that's for you."
We reach the top of the Ferris wheel, the two of us now completely silent and alone above Sin City. Her eyes are full of so many emotions that spill out with a sad twinkle. The air around us is thick with tension. I don't want this to be the end of us and it sounds like she doesn't want that either, but she's too in her head to allow herself to be with me. In our dark cabin, with her hands on my rapidly beating heart and only the sounds of our ragged breathing, she pulls my forehead into hers.
Her eyes flutter shut with the delicacy of a butterfly and she takes a deep inhale, whispering like she's trying to hide away from the rest of the world. "Are you going to leave me, Harry?"
My lungs constrict and a chill runs through my spine. I press my now damp forehead farther into hers, shaking it slowly like I'm afraid any sudden movement will pop our bubble and throw us back into reality. "Never." I breathe into her parted lips.
Not by choice, my beautiful girl. Never by choice.
Her hands slip from my jawline to the back of my neck. I want to keep my eyes open to study her face but I can't stop them from closing under the warmth of her skin on mine. I wish I could read her mind and fix every problem she's dealing with alone.
One final deep breath moves through her lips like it's the last piece of control she has left. She inches our faces closer together until our noses brush and all of the muscles in my body relax. Nothing else matters outside of this small room right now.
Under blue and pink lights, on top of the city that keeps moving even when we stand still, she presses her soft lips into mine with enough passion to cure a thousand men, believing me when I say that I won't disappear on her again.
***