| CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
| the semantics
ᴏᴀᴋʟᴇʏ ᴄᴀʀɪʟʟᴏ
My life was turned upside down within only a month.
I had to go back to the hospital every few days to conduct some physical tests and to check my levels to make sure I was keeping to my diet. Quickly after, I started to see a psychiatrist to evaluate my mental health. It felt like an interview. It was an interview. Except I wasn't disclosing fun facts with the world this time. This time, I was sharing my deepest and darkest problems with a stranger who was supposed to determine whether I was fucked up in the head or not.
He'd come to a conclusion quickly. I was fucked up in the head. Bipolar type I. Just like my uncle, I'd learned. On top of that, he said I had an eating disorder, something atypical. He couldn't call it anorexia because I had no desire to be small, no fear to get big. Not even the things wrong with me were properly wrong.
They put me on medication that made me nauseous and shaky. I couldn't play my new kalimba right and despite all my vocal exercises and daily band rehearsals, my voice had become unstable. But even through the still lingering depression, I slowly started to find my purpose again. I started seeing my therapist every few days, because it turned out I had a lot to get off my chest. Like the way I felt about how I looked, and the way I punished myself by not eating, and the way I would pinch my skin until my capillaries broke and left deep purple marks.
Medication wasn't the quick fix I hoped it would be, and neither was therapy, but it helped. Things were finally looking up. I was still playing Sonarstice, and I'd still be Hanna's special guest at Harmonix.
"What are you doing here?" my sister asked as I was sitting on the couch, scrolling through my phone with the TV providing me some background noise.
"I live here?" I said, the corner of my mouth involuntarily twitching upward. Trisha's nose was slightly scrunched up, and one of her eyebrows was just the tiniest bit raised, as were the corners of her mouth.
"Don't you have band practice or something?"
"Just vocals. I won't be able to play anything after all," I told her, putting my phone on the armrest next to me. "Why do you want me out of here so badly?"
"No reason," she said with a shrug. And despite her obvious 'disappointment' that I was here, she sat down next to me. She didn't immediately flee to her room as she'd typically opted for.
"What is it?" I asked, sensing she wanted something from me. She always did, and she knew that I'd always spoil her the way any rich older brother should.
"Nothing. Just watching this very exciting nature documentary you put on."
"Patricia..."
"Stop calling me that, before I break your other arm too." Her threat had me grinning. Just a week ago she didn't even know how to approach me anymore. She had a hard time looking me in the eyes then. Her snarky remarks remained, but she had been walking on eggshells around me. Now she was threatening me again.
"What do you want from me?" I asked, crossing my arms.
"Can you drive with your arm?" she asked with an innocent smile.
•••
"You're gonna get so jealous when Nolan's movies come out," she said. We were just walking out of the movie theater, still carrying our empty box of popcorn and our drinks. "You already took this way too seriously."
So maybe I complained about a few people? Characters. I complained about a few characters. "I was just invested," I mumbled, hating to admit that I liked the movie a lot better than I thought I would.
"So are you gonna get 'invested' when Nolan makes out with Maria Carson on-screen too?"
"I hate you," I said, dragging the word 'hate' so she'd really get the point.
"And I know what source material they used for that new project of his... ooh, you're going to hate that one."
"What? What source material?" I questioned. There was source material and Nolan didn't tell me? Why would he not tell me? "What's going to happen?" Apart from grooming, and rape, and teenage pregnancy...
She laughed like she caught me, and then I realized exactly what she did. I rolled my eyes.
"Aw." She stuck out her bottom lip and scrunched her face together. "My poor brother is dating an actor. The type the girls in my class fawn over. Probably with posters of him on their walls..."
"Too bad he's taken," I said, prying Trisha's drink out of her hands and throwing it in the trash so we could finally go home.
"Hey, I wasn't finished," she said quietly.
"You don't deserve it," I told her.
"I was kidding! You and him are perfect together. Literally."
"You think so?" Because I knew in my heart that if this were to somehow not work out, I would have a really hard time picking myself back up. Nolan was my person. We got each other. We were there for each other. Like the north and south pole of a magnet, holding each other up.
"Definitely. You do need to work on the jealousy though. It's gonna cause problems in the long run if you don't take care of it now."
"Says you." I rolled my eyes as we almost made it to my car. "You've never even been in a serious relationship."
"Yes, says me. I read, Oakley. I don't want you to mess things up with him because I know he makes you happy."
"You rubbing the fact that he'll be kissing dozens of other people doesn't quite help."
"Just laying out the facts there! You just need to remember you're the only person he kisses just because he feels like it. The other ones are just part of his job. Like all this time you'd been pretending to be straight."
"I wasn't pretending! I was trying things out. That's not the same thing."
She rolled her eyes. "How did you not know you weren't into girls?"
"Because I had nothing to compare it to. I didn't like guys. I'm not even sure I do now."
"But you're into Nolan."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm into guys per se." I never thought about this too deeply. It was hard to explain something I didn't fully understand myself. "If I compare anything I'd ever felt for anyone to what I feel for Nolan, nothing comes close. Not a girl, not a guy. It's just him. I'm not sure if that would make me gay or not. I don't bother with the semantics."
"At the end of the day it doesn't matter," she says with a shrug. "You're my brother either way."
"Exactly," I said, offering her the last of my own drink as a peace offering for throwing away hers.
"Ew, I don't know where your mouth's been recently."
"Jesus, Trisha. You're disgus—"
My phone interrupted us, Nolan's name appearing on my phone once I checked it.
"Hm, speaking of the devil," she said. I flipped her off and picked up my phone.
"Where are you?" he asked. Not even a 'hi'. He just got straight to the point.
"Heading home. Why?"
"I'm your personal reminder to take your meds."
"Fuck," I swore. "I'll be fine. I'll be home in fifteen minutes. But I gotta start driving now so I'll call you later?"
"Of course. I love you," he said, the smile seeping through his voice.
"I love you too. Bye."
"Forgot to take your antidepressants?" my sister asked after I started the car.
"We've been over this. I don't take antidepressants. I take lithium."
"I'm not a psychiatrist. I thought that was an antidepressant."
"I'm bipolar," I explained for the umpteenth time these last few weeks. It still felt weird coming out of my mouth.
"Which I thought meant depression and mania."
"It is," I said with a nod as I started the car. I didn't like to talk about it all that much. I didn't want to become my extended family's next 'crazy cousin' like my uncle had been to the previous generation. I liked the title of 'The Famous One' a lot better.
I hated how much sense my diagnosis made. I knew my depression was cyclical, I thought it was seasonal despite living in always sunny California. I also had my days where I felt particularly hyper. I thought it might've been ADHD, but undiagnosed as I always did well in school.
But none of it could explain the two month long psychosis I had just about a year ago. I was delusional, disorganized, I didn't sleep, and the worst part was that those two months felt like a daze. I remembered in the moment it felt like a year had passed, and when it was over it felt like I'd only lost two weeks. It was weird finally realizing my sister had suddenly turned fifteen without me, I'd toured the whole European continent, and the songs I'd written which I believed were 'genius' were mostly a pile of crap.
"I'm sorry I missed your quinces last year," I said. I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to have a break during that period which was filled last minute with more tour dates as I'd spent two weeks at the hospital in Amsterdam. I didn't even call. Hell, I didn't even know she was doing a quinceañera. When I called her the day after she told me her birthday was 'boring as always'. I only found out last week from Nolan.
"You know about that?"
"Nolan told me last week. Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to be there."
"Danny told us you couldn't make it. I assumed it was another one of your depressed episodes since you went completely radio silent, and I didn't want to make you feel worse."
"It's not your job to protect me, Trisha. It's my job to protect you, as your older brother. I hate that I wasn't there for you."
"It was a disaster anyway. Uncle Mateo was high out of his mind, Abuela and Abuelo berated him in front of everyone—even my friends, and then Grandpa tried to escort them all out but Abuelo went on some racist tirade, so Grandpa called him a stereotype... it was crazy."
I chuckled. Big family gatherings always went south when my mom's and dad's sides collided. "Yet you're doing it all over again for your sixteenth?"
"I need a do-over," she said with a shrug. "And this time I expect my favorite brother to be there."
I smiled. This would be a do-over for me too.
"Don't worry. Your only brother be there."
"Will Nolan come too?" she asked.
"About that... you kind of share a birthday," I confessed. I knew being there for both of them would be difficult, but I had to make it work somehow.
I glanced at her, and her eyes were wide. "What?"
"I'm not sure what he has planned. His friends are out of state, so I was thinking of taking him out before coming home for your party." I didn't mention that I wasn't sure he'd be back in California for his birthday either. I had yet to discuss his birthday plans with him, knowing he certainly wasn't spending it with his parents.
"Well, let him know he's invited. Unless you don't want to of course, because my friends will be there too and you know how the aunties can get."
"It's fine. Nolan and I talked about it. He wants to be out, we'll just take it slow." We didn't want to do any type of grand reveal. My therapist also recommended we take it slow, as he didn't want me spiraling with all the attention it would inevitably garner.
"Perfect!" she said.
•••
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Your lovely reminder to vote! I know you love me ❤️