CHAPTER THIRTY NINE ⇆ ANGELINA
I walk out of the bathroom to utter silence, and no sight of Rowan.
Absolutely none.
Confused, I walk around the hotel room, drying out my hair before my footsteps come to a halt when I find him sitting by the window, cigarette in hand as he smokes.
The smell of it fills the air and in no time it reaches me, my already sensitive lungs instantly suffer, I cough uncontrollably as I announce my presence, Rowan's eyes snap up to mine before he puts it off instantly and stands up.
He smells like it though, just not intense, it's enough for me to breathe normally, "You don't like to stay here, that's why I was smoking." He explains and I nod, seeing the way his eyes are dull.
It's been two hours since we came back from our visit to his parents, they ruined the day for him, it's clearer than ever, "I love you." I say with the intention of making at least a smile spread over his face.
His expression softens and sure enough, he offers me a weak smile, "And I love you." He whispers against me before leaning down and planting a kiss against my collar bone, it's too soft that it sends goosebumps along my arms.
"You can talk to me." I just say instead of twirling around the topic I'm trying to open, he blinks a couple of times, seeming lost in his thoughts, "I know." He doesn't.
"You don't even contemplate it." I insist, frustrated by his automatic reaction, his brows furrow, "I do." He shoots back and I shake my head, "Not really no, maybe you're convinced that I'll be bothered or that I won't have time for you I really don't know but whatever it is it's not fucking true, Rowan, I would make time for you." I insist, pointing with my finger right at his face.
A small smile slowly spreads across his face, "Say that again." He says smoothly, grinning like an idiot, "That last line." He adds, i arch a brow, "I will if you tell me what you're bubbling up." I challenge.
He tilts his head and eyes me like that attempt is pure stupidity, "Your manipulation is cute, Angelina." He brushes the wet strands of my dark hair and i sigh in satisfaction, seeing the shift in his eyes.
"Fine, you want me to talk, don't forget that you're the one who insisted." He warns and i nod, knowing that I definitely won't brush off or forget such a thing.
"Let's sit down for it." He offers but I narrow my eyes at him, still suspicious, "Sit, Angelina." He demands, i roll my eyes but do so, ignoring the flipping in my stomach.
No, I'm not turned on by Rowan ordering me around.
Fuck no, "Is it about your parents?" I ask, grimacing as I realize how direct my question is, but he doesn't seem bothered at all actually as he spreads his legs and leans back, getting comfortable.
Something about that action has always been so seductive I blamed it on my hormones, and I will do that right now too.
"Not entirely, they were the cherry on top." His response actually surprises me as my eyebrows rise and I wait for him to ramble on further, tell me more, I'm all ears, "Sometimes it just feels like it's void inside here, nothing, and I know that it's not actually like that but some days or times that pass where I'm just in another world, staring at nothing, I spent most of my life feeling like this, and it's unexplainable." He shrugs like it's no big deal.
I absorb his words slowly, letting each one settle in as I try to understand why someone so energetic and happy feels that way, but apparently that's not who Rowan truly is, not at all.
"Don't you think it has something to do with not being in touch with yourself? Unsolved past experiences? A lot of stuff can lead to this." I recall hearing this once on a podcast.
He smiles, humor flashing in his eyes, "You're analyzing me, therapist." He mocks and I narrow my eyes in visible annoyance, he rolls his eyes at my dramatic reaction and i sigh.
"Don't side track me now." I order as I rake my mind before I try to find every single way to help him, "Oh, I have a lot of methods to do so." He shrugs nonchalantly but I see the mischief glistening in his dark eyes as he looks at me up and down.
Heat rushes through my body but I push that away for now, "I'm serious." I force out and he sighs, his earlier humorous expression slipping off, "What does not being in touch with myself even mean?" He asks, looking confused as he blinks a couple of times.
"It means that you don't know your true identity, you never figured out what you want, what you love, your talents, your personality, you don't even know yourself." I explain, knowing that this might be an actual problem with Rowan.
"Oh there isn't much to count on." He just shrugs, my brows furrow and he explains, "Considering that I lived most of my life wearing different masks to fit in, it's hard to know who I truly am, and it's harder to accept it." He breathes out harshly.
"You don't have to do it all at once, baby steps." I explain, he already mentioned that he goes to a therapist, I'm sure I'm not an expert, but what I'm also sure of is that I know Rowan more than she ever will.
So there's still a possibility that I can help him, but I won't clutch on that hope for now, "I'm not a patient person." Excuses, that's exactly what Rowan is offering me and himself.
Excuses to stay the same and suffer, I narrow my eyes and almost laugh, "You kept going after me for years just to win me back believing that the possibility is almost nonexistent." I explain, "Yeah, you're different, don't even try to compare." He insists like that topic should be shut.
But I ain't shutting it now, "How the hell am I different?" I ask since i actually don't understand what he's saying, he shakes his head almost like he's smiling, "Of course you're different, you're the love of my life for god's sake, I would've never given you up. Never." He says with sureness that didn't cross his words today.
His words strike hard as I stare at him, feeling my heart tightening in my chest, Rowan is a selfless man, I've always known that but this is just a bit over the top.
"You can't put me before yourself." I insist, sounding angry even though I don't feel like it it's just to make him hear me, "I can." He protests, I shake my head again and sit right beside him instead, leaning closer.
His expression softens, "No, Rowan, you fucking can't, you need to know your worth, it's a long journey, but I'll be here with you I promise, you can't let yourself fall deeper into this hole in your mind." I insist, worry dripping from my voice as I desperately wait for his approval.
He sighs, staring ahead of him, "What do you want me to do, Angelina?" He asks and my heart breaks, "I don't want you to do anything for me, I just want you to get better, I want you happy, Rowan." I explain, emotions clamping down my throat.
"I'm happy when I'm with you." He smiles and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear, his words almost bring tears to my eyes but I force the emotions away.
"I want you happy all the time, but I also want you to take that step yourself." I explain softly, knowing that he can possibly say no and I won't fight him.
"I can't go through whatever this is alone." He warns, I smile so widely with relief, the fact that he's contemplating it sends a wave of warmth crashing down my heart.
"You're never alone, I'm right here, always." I promise, meaning every word I just uttered, it's a promise that only death will break.
Until then, I'm always here.
Always with him.
With my love, my safe place, my best friend.
My home.
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