"Have you found him yet?"
Your eyes snapped open to be met with a gaze of depthless blue, an entity most otherworldly.
'What—who are you?'
No sound left your throat when you asked on impulse, but the ethereal being that looked down on you smiled, their voice a cacophony of sweet melodies, "I recall the humans calling me Renée. I am the essence of rebirth and sustenance, but you may better know me as the demon of rebirth and sustenance."
They had your head resting in their lap, one delicate hand caressing your hair with something akin to motherly affection. They seemed to hear your inaudible voice when you echoed, 'Demon?'
"That seems to be the popular name," the demon—Renée—mused and explained so tenderly, "We are beings that manifest from the world's phenomena. Sights such as love and grief, war and wisdom—we are born from their reoccurrence. Humans have chosen to call us demons. Though, we are not forces of evil, but representations of nature."
Demon. You had heard that word thrown at you countless times. It was an insult. It was a curse. It was a terrible, horrible thing.
Yet, this being was a demon?
Renée...they seemed to be made out of snow and starlight.
Their unmarred skin was a blue so pale it almost glowed, peeking out of flowing, luminescent robes that pooled around the two of you. A cascade of hair like woven ivory disappeared within the light of those robes, long and very precious.
It was their eyes that enchanted you the most. Wide and dark and infinite, they seemed to be ripped out of the very fabric of this dreamlike space you had awoken to. You feared they might swallow you whole if you stared for too long. Downturned, they seemed to hold such an immense sadness, yet their gaze was vast, and vastly kind.
They had the form of a human, but no mortal could compare to them. Such a delicate, yet powerful presence.
Renée was beautiful, so much so that it felt almost monstrous.
You did not feel the urge to move, lying still where you could gaze up at them. Comforted, for some reason. As though you had reunited with an old friend.
'Are you... Are you the one who cursed me?'
"Cursed you?" Renée chuckled and it was a sound that came from everywhere and nowhere at once. "No, never."
'Oh,' somehow you felt disheartened, like you had lost your only lead. 'Then...'
Then why were you here?
The radiant demon smiled, sympathetic, almost melancholy. "I suppose you would not remember."
'Remember what?'
"Your first life."
You felt a pang in your chest. Your first life. The life that must have started it all. You did not remember it, even though you recalled a certain, first death.
Still stroking your hair, Renée sighed softly. "Let me tell you a story, then.
"Once upon a time, four hundred and twenty-one years ago, a demon was called forth by greedy humans to become a sacrifice in their forbidden ritual. They sought to slaughter it and acquire its essence to secure a throne for a hungry yet lacking king."
'The Renocault Order,' you provided, almost wonderstruck, 'and the House of Rowonne.'
"Yes, indeed. It was them," Renée nodded their approval, continuing, "Knowing their wicked intentions, the demon did not wish to die. So, before the ritual was completed, they escaped into the vast human world.
"A war had been ravaging the land, and a plague had spread amongst the people, killing them when swords and spears had spared them. The demon walked amid the suffering humans in search of shelter or a friend," Renée paused, then with the gentles of smiles, added, "That was when I met you.
"You thought me a walking god when you saw me. Sickness had brought you to the shores of death, and in your delirium, you clutched the hems of my robes and pleaded for help.
"You told me that you could not die yet. You told me that you needed to live for you could not leave your beloved behind. He needed your help, you said. The plague had found him too and he needed someone to tend to him. Those were the words you had so desperately cried to me," Renée recounted like it were a mournful memory. "I was moved by your pleas and the tremendous love behind them, so I thought to lend you my power and give you life when yours was waning.
"However, unbeknownst to myself, those malicious humans had sent someone after me to complete the ritual. You know him as the First. He was the man who had partaken in the ritual in order to sit on the throne. The man whose descendants have hunted you in every lifetime.
"I lent you my essence and power, and in that moment of exchange, the First pierced an arrow through my heart and yours."
You could only listen to the tale Renée told, speechless, enthralled, shaken to your very core. This was a history you had no knowledge and no recollection of. This was the story of a 'you' you did not know. The answer to your timeless misery.
"That was supposed to be the end of it," Renée shook their head, the movement so utterly graceful, "The two of us were dead by the hands of the would-be-king, thus completing the ritual and securing the essence of rebirth and sustenance to keep the throne in Rowonne.
"But, you refused our death.
"I would instantly be reborn after my death, for that was my phenomenon, but you held on to me. It was not fair, you said. You had to return. You had to live." there was a twinkle of amusement in Renée's eyes as they further revealed, "So you kept my essence and buried it deep within your heart. And then, you were reborn.
"This merge between us meant that the ritual's effect was brief, lasting only to the day our exchange was first made. The one day my essence diverged from your soul and could be usurped by the Blood of the First. Those humans knew that and sought you in your second lifetime for that cause.
"Though, this lifetime, I am sure you remember."
Renée patted your head softly, resuming their story like it were a nursery rhyme, and you listened like a child in their parent's loving embrace. "You were killed again by that evil human, and again, you refused your death. It was not fair, you argued. You needed to return. You needed to live. And so, once more, you were reborn.
"Again, and again. The relentless cycle of death and rebirth repeated itself without fail. You held on to me even when you were no longer aware of it yourself. Even as you grew miserable from it. Even when your very soul forgot why it insisted on living.
"I never cursed you, my friend," Renée finally concluded, their sorrowful smile like a consolation. "It was you who refused to rest and release me."
Oh.
You had nothing to say. What could you say at a revelation of this weight anyway?
This so-called curse that tortured you for decades and centuries, this pain and this emptiness, was all your own doing? Why? You did not even remember the person Renée claimed was your beloved. So why—
'You must resent me for keeping you so long,' was all you could mumble, diverting your gaze to the endless blue around you and feeling the sting of shame in your heart.
As though you needed more guilt to torment you. After all these years, it seemed that everything you had been through was pointless. Needless suffering. Needless grief. You could have prevented it all had you not been so stubborn and just—died.
"Why ever would I resent you?" Renée did not frown or exclaim their disapproval. Their smile was unchanging. Kind, kind, and kinder, even though it twisted your heart mercilessly. Why were they not mirroring the anger you so ruthlessly aimed at yourself?
"You have taught me so much," they crooned, fingers still running soothingly through your hair. "You showed me your happiness and your love, your anger and your grief. In every lifetime, I learned more and found myself humbled by your experiences.
"I could never resent you, my friend. It is your nature to want to survive, and your humanity has been endearing from the very first time we met. I can only be grateful to you."
Once again, you were at a loss for words. This was not the sentiment you expected, and it surprised you. Almost embarrassed you.
Renée, however, seemed content with your flustered silence. "So, I ask you again. Have you found him?"
'Found who?' you frowned. They had asked you the same question earlier, and it still confounded you. Had you been searching for someone?
"Why, your beloved, of course."
'I...'
Renée laughed at your nervous hesitation, a sound that felt like a thousand songs and a thousand curses. With a sigh, they cupped your face in their gentle hands and murmured, "I know."
You stared at them, confused, but they did not elaborate any further, closing their eyes and bowing their head.
"You should let me go now, dear."
Let go?
So soon?
Parting with an entity that had been intertwined with your soul for so long felt wrong. It was a freedom you were not yet prepared for. Who were you without your curse?
You had wanted to rid of it—this was what you wanted—and yet...
You did not feel free. That strange hollowness remained in your heart.
'Wait—'
But Renée was shimmering and fading before your eyes. Their touch, ancient in its familiarity, was slipping away, and you could not move. You could not chase it.
You hated the sudden selfishness that unfurled within you. You did not want to leave just yet. Just a little more time. Please...
Their last whisper was like thunder in your ears, "Let me go, and live."
Live?
Your own awareness was dissipating like smoke in the wind. A forbidden confession lost to the awakening of your body.
'But I don't—'