"Are you going to come over?" Ivy said to me, as we were on FaceTime.
"Probably not," I replied.
"Mila?!"
"I know. I'm sorry." As I spoke to my sister, all I could think of was the girl who stood in front of me, cleaning the dishes, and putting away our dinner foods. It was so domestic, but appreciative. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. Off Lena.
"MILA!" Ivy exclaimed.
"What?"
"It's like you're in your own little world." Maybe I was.
"I'm sorry. Why don't you come over? Be here for the start of the season." Her eyes, identical to mine, looked at me, and her brows furrowed. Although we looked similar, her brown hair contrasted my blonde, and her face had a youthfulness that only a 20-year-old could have. Whereas my 22-year-old body had lost any sense of innocence when I left home.
"Fine. But next time, you come here."
"Yes yes," I answered, chuckling softly. "Have you spoken to Papa recently?"
"A little, here and there. Did you send Mama the letter?"
"Just like clockwork," I answered.
"Good. And she hasn't replied?"
"Nope, once again, just like clockwork." There was a mutual sadness in both our eyes as we thought of her, in Ukraine, so isolated from us. From her family.
But we knew her feelings were different. She was never an emotional one. She never needed too much. As long as we were successful, that was enough for her.
"Just let me know," I continued to say, "when you're going to come and I'll get some things ready for us."
There were only a few weeks left of preseason until we were set to commence the new season and this time with fans. We knew having the crowds back would be better. The atmosphere and support would push us through anything.
Once the Olympics were over, in which Canada won the gold, with Sweden coming second, the USA third, and the Aussies fourth, all the girls were soon back. I was so disappointed for Frido, knowing that winning that gold would have meant so much. But, that was sport.
That was how it was sometimes.
"Now, welcome back everyone, especially our Olympians," Tommy, our manager, said to us. "You all were very amazing. We feel very proud here." Lena nudged me slightly, and I tried smiling. I tried forcing a grin out of my lips but it was impossible. I will never be able to forget that Olympic disaster class.
"Now, we have some new faces joining us this season. So, welcome to Lynn, Tabea, and Jill." Jill was sitting over with Lynn, and even being in the same room as my best friend, filled me with so much comfort and peace that I never knew I needed.
We soon went out onto the pitch, and I jumped onto Jill's back as we walked together.
"I can't believe you are here!"
"Neither," she laughed. I wrapped my arms around her neck, as she carried me onto the grass, before throwing me to the ground.
"HEY!" I screeched, spraying my extra water on her.
"Oh, Milly, you're going to regret that!" I stood up quickly, running away from her, before being tackled to the ground. "You may be fast, but I'm strong."
We trained that day, and just being back on the pitch, made me forget about everything. No more thinking of the Olympics, of family, of hurt, pain, past. Of her.
Except, I was always thinking of her. Whenever she passed me the ball, was on the end of one of my crosses, and smiled at me. I could never stop.
"Fuck, Mila," I said to myself, under my breath as I missed a pass because I wasn't looking at the ball, but rather her. This is going to be bad, I thought.
I walked off the pitch with Jill and Lynn, loving that I get to be surrounded by my fellow Dutchies. Along with Viv, they were the two I was closest to at camp. As Lynn was close to my age, we often went through academy teams together, both playing for FC Twente. She was a good friend, and having her here, along with Jill, everything felt complete.
"So, Milly," Lynn said. "When's Ivy coming over next?" I laughed to myself, knowing the history between them two.
"Really? I thought you had gotten over her." Lynn looked at me, her eyes telling a different story.
"I mean, I tried to." I gave her a soft hug, leaning her body against mine.
"She's coming this week. Lena and I are going to throw a little party. Nothing big. But you can come." Lynn smiled a strained grin.
"Maybe."
"It'll be good maybe for you guys to talk."
"Probably." When I first found out about Lynn and Ivy, I wasn't shocked. Lynn would always come over after training to play on my Xbox until I realized she wasn't there for me, but her. Ivy had an energy that could pull anyone to her. I had left for Ajax when they first became an item, and at only 16, they would both tell me how they thought they'd found the one. The person they loved.
I would nod along, hoping they were both right because it hurt my heart to think any differently. But, love wasn't like that. It wasn't going to be only love, but pain too.
And as expected I was right. They broke up when Ivy moved to London, for uni. It wasn't pretty. I thought I would be stuck in the middle, but thankfully for me, I removed myself from any of it, fairly early on.
After training, Lena and I went home, and started to prepare dinner. We had set up a system. I would cook, and she would clean. I would never trust Lena to make something, now that I thought of it. Her lack of skills was painfully obvious.
"I have a question," she said to me, as I was clocking away in the kitchen.
"Okay..."
"Rumor has it: Jill and Ingrid. You have to fill me in." I laughed, as Lena drank from her bottle.
"Honestly, I haven't heard much from either of them. Ingrid's now in Spain. Like, surely it won't work?"
"You don't think long-distance relationships could work?" Lena then asked, with a subtlety to her voice I didn't quite understand.
"I mean, do you?"
"If you love the person strong enough, then yeah, I think it could."
"But it's not about love. It's about practicality."
"I disagree. It's always about love, Bakker."
"Love is a construct," I replied, meeting her case. It was a statement I had repeated too many times throughout my life, and childhood, something Mama would always tell me. It was a protection. From her. From me.
She sighed as if my response was expected. "Bakker, you can't deny that love is what gives life meaning. I mean, it's the moments of love that we find ourselves and purpose."
I turned around to focus on the pot that was on the stove, contemplating her words. There was only once when I believed in love. Wasn't with Mama, or Papa. "It can be beautiful, but only for the lucky ones."
She came over to me, taking the wooden spoon out of my hand, and placing it on the countertop. "Is it not worth the risk? To experience that deep of a connection? Something so profound that it can transcend everything else."
There was something about all of this. We both knew. Her and me. Me and her. We stood there, mere inches away from each other.
"I don't know," I soon responded, moving away, and grabbing the wooden spoon. "Maybe one day." She knew that this was her queue to go back to her stool, sitting on it, as I continued to cook our food.
"Oh, by the way," I started to say, a little while later. "My sister is coming over in a few days. I was meant to go to her but I bailed."
"Why?" Lena asked.
"Uh, don't worry about that but yeah, she's coming over."
"Sounds fun."
"We are throwing a party." Lena groaned.
"Really?" she sighed.
"Yes."
"Fine. Only because you want."
"I thought you would say that."
"Is this for...?"
"It gives Lynn and Ivy an excuse to see each other."
"I think I missed a chapter."
"They dated, then they broke up. It's awkward."
"Right, okay. I'm down for that then."
"As soon as there is a little drama, you're there."
"You know me too well, Bakker."
The following days we continued to train for our opener against Potsdam. Ivy was going to be flying that day. The plan was to have the party that evening. However, we knew that it would not be one of my best parties, as it was the start of the season, and we couldn't do any heavy drinking.
"You coming tomorrow?" I asked Jill, as we went out onto the pitch together.
"Yeah."
"Are you alright?" I asked her, as she hadn't been herself the last few days.
"I- I don't think Ingrid and I are going to work." She looked away, not upset but rather, just frustrated, with herself more than anything.
"That happens," I said, honestly with her. "Not everything good in life can work out the way we want it to."
"Yeah."
I grabbed my best friend's hand, putting it around my shoulder.
"We're going to cheer you up!" I said, smiling at her. "Do you want to play tag?" Jill looked at me, and just as I thought she was going to say no, she pushed me aside.
"Tag!" she yelled, running away from me.
"You're such a bitch!" I exclaimed, running after her.
We trained that day, and on the pitch, I felt another one of those muscle cramps come on. I limped off, halfway through a 5 v 5, sitting on the side of the grass.
"You alright?" Tommy asked me.
"I think it's just a muscle thing," I answered.
"Go see Elke. She can probably massage it out or something." I nodded my head, hobbling over to the physio's room. I walked in, lay straight on the bed.
"It happened again!" I laughed, lying beside our Australian staff member.
"Muscle cramp?" she asked, coming over to have a look at my calf.
"Yes." It was painful. I could feel the muscle cramp up, and then calm down. Cramp up and then calm down. It was a cycle.
"Here," she said, passing me a tablet.
"What is this?"
"Magnesium. It's good for cramps." I took the pill, as she stretched out my leg.
"Why do you think this keeps happening?"
"Are you eating enough salt?" she asked. I stared at my physio, trying not to laugh.
"You are so passionate about salt."
"It stops cramps!" she answered. I stayed in the room for a little while, as Elke tried fixing up my leg, both wanting me to be ready for tomorrow. I had spent a little time with Elke over the past year but never enough to truly know her. She was private. About everything.
"So, where in Australia are you from?" I asked her.
"You wouldn't know it." She was curt; I could tell.
"You are probably right. How long have you been a physio."
"Eh, a while now."
"You don't like talking about-" but she cut me off.
"I like to separate my life. There is now and there is then. I live in the now." I nodded, understanding that in a weirdly personal way.
After a while, a few of the other girls started to come inside, once training was over.
"Are you alright?" Jill asked as she found me on the bed.
"Muscle shit," I replied. Elke was finishing up the massage.
"I'm Jill," she said to Elke, as they probably hadn't met yet.
"I'm Ed- Elke," she answered. Her stutter confused me, as she had done the exact same thing with me, many months earlier. I felt weird, as they stared at each other, knowing I was definitely in the middle of something.
"Alrighty," I said, breaking the silence. "Jilldo, let's go." I grabbed her hand walking out of the room.
"What was that?" I asked, laughing so intensely.
"I- I don't know. Don't you think she looks kind of familiar?"
"Huh?"
"She looks like someone I know. I just can't quite seem to think of it."
"You're crazy." Jill pushed me into the wall, laughing softly.
"No!"
The next day we had our opener against Potsdam. I started the game, as my calf was completely under control. Elke told me one tablet of magnesium a day should do the trick, and I had some eggs in the morning, lathering them in salt. Jill also started, with Lena in the midfield with her. An injury to Alex meant I was pushed from the wing into the 9, which I wasn't unhappy about. I could always slot myself in the nine, loving to take the shots myself sometimes.
Although I liked the wing more, I could never complain. I was playing. I was happy.
I scored the first two goals. The first was a tap-in, crossed into me by Kathrin. The second was probably one of the best goals of my career to date. I had taken the ball at halfway, streaming it down the pitch on a fast break. I was on the edge of the box, and with no one around me, I smashed the ball. It floated through the air, clipping over the keeper and into the net.
We were up 2-0.
"That was some goal!" Lena said, hugging me softly. If I was to be honest, I never wanted her to let go.
I was counting the moments until the game was over as I knew who was in the stands. Ivy's plane was delayed meaning she was going to meet me after, assuring me she was going to come and watch nonetheless.
We got a third goal, before the end of the match from Ewa.
Our opening match ended 3-0.
"You were amazing," I said to Jill, jumping on my best friend. "This is going to be great." She smiled at me, and I soon ran over to the stand, trying to find her. I hadn't seen Ivy in what felt like years. Because of Covid, and everything else that was happening, life seemed to slip by us. It was hard.
I soon saw her brown hair and identical eyes. She came rushing to the front, and my little sister's arms wrapped around mine.
"I can't believe you're here!" I said to Ivy.
"Neither. Fuck uni, I wanted to be here more anyway."
"I've missed you."
"Don't be so emotional," she laughed at me.
"I'm sorry I love you!"
"Ew," she laughed.
"You're so unemotional!"
"It's a strength, Ludmila."
"Fuck off!"
I soon saw her eyes wander off, and I turned around to see Lynn, staring at my sister from afar.
"You knew she was here right?" I asked her.
"I knew."
"There's a party tonight. Lena and I are having the girls over."
"Is she going to be there?"
"Yeah."
"Good. That's good. Good. Cool. Amazing."
"It'll be fine." I heard her breathe in and out. "Look, I have to go. Here is my key and take a cab to my place. We'll meet you there." I passed her my house key, before hugging her once more.
We debriefed the game, before Lena and I drove back to ours. All the girls were going to come over a few hours later, but Jill decided to join earlier, coming in the car with us.
"I hate life," she said.
"You're being ridiculous."
"It's so embarrassing."
"Darling, it's just a situationship. I've had many of those myself."
"But you're Mila. I don't do situationships."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I laughed.
'Yeah, what is that supposed to mean?" Lena added.
"Ugh, I hate you both."
"You're so moody, oh my god," I said, sarcastically.
"Get used to it," she added, peeping her head between Lena and me, as Lena drove.
We set up the apartment for the party, with Ivy helping me out.
"There is not much alcohol!" she exclaimed.
"We are on limited drinks," I replied. "We are now mid-season. I don't think Tommy would happen if we rock up to training on Monday still hung over."
"Fine but that doesn't mean I can't get drunk."
"True. But no throwing up, please."
All the girls started to crowd in, and it was great having all of them here. It wasn't just the girls that came either, their friends and our friends also rocked up, and I was just hoping that none of my recent mistakes would feel they were invited too.
"Is that bar guy #2?" Lena asked. I smacked her arm.
"Stop trying to scare me." She laughed, knowing exactly what she was doing.
"Do you have popcorn?" she asked.
"No, why?"
"Cause, this is going to be entertaining." She pointed over to Lynn and Ivy, who had just reunited after a year apart.
"JILL!" I exclaimed, bringing my friend over. "Look! They are talking."
"Oh my god. I need to watch." We stood behind the kitchen countertop, watching Ivy and Lynn in between the people who came and went.
"What do you think they are saying?" I asked.
"I can't lip read so I have no clue," Lena replied.
"What Oberdorf said," Jill added.
"You guys are not helpful."
After a while, Lynn and Ivy soon separated and I watched as Ivy went outside onto the balcony. I followed after my sister, wanting to check if she was alright.
"Hey," I said to her, sitting on the other chair outside.
"Hi!" she replied, happily back.
"Oh, so it was a good conversation?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"Um, I don't know I just assumed-"
"You're funny. It was good." I dropped it, not wanting to push any information out that she didn't want to give. Ivy soon chugged her beer.
"I need another."
We went inside, and I soon found Lena, who was slowly going through only one drink, as that was her maximum for the night.
"Brown looks good on you," I said to her, as her brown overshirt complimented her eyes.
"Was that a...compliment?"
"Shut up." I nudged her, and she soon wrapped her arm around my shoulder. I leaned into her, not knowing what this even was but knowing it was natural. It always was with her.
"Mila, I-" but I interrupted her.
"MILA!? Why are you calling me Mila?! Am I in trouble?"
"Sorry, sorry, Bakker," she soon corrected herself. "I-" but I was soon distracted.
"Lena, look!" In the corner, we both saw Lynn and Ivy. Their bodies were pressed against each other, as Ivy's hands cupped Lynn's cheeks.
"That is... unexpected." I soon moved away from Lena, going over to my sister, wanting her to genuinely get a room. They separated when they saw me, standing over them. "I love you both, so here is my room." I pushed the two into my bedroom. "No funny business on the bed though please." They looked at me, both stunned but I closed the door before they could say anymore.
I went over to Lena, grabbing another drink.
"Cheers to having the fun apartment," I laughed.
"Cheers." We clinked our glasses, looking at the people in front of us. Our friends. Our family. It was perfect.
The next morning, I woke up to Ivy beside me, snoring softly. I had only drunk two glasses last night, so I was by no means hung over, but I knew she had had more. She must've because she would not have had the confidence to kiss her ex-girlfriend without them.
I soon moved off the bed, walking into the kitchen to see Lena making some coffee. She had a cup all ready for me.
"Thanks," I said, taking the cup.
She sat beside me, her eyes looking anywhere but mine.
"You alright?" I asked her, not sure what was happening. Lena nodded her head but I knew something was wrong. It had to be. I moved her head to look at me, my hand on her cheek. She closed her eyes softly, and I pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear.
"Morning!" a voice soon said, and I turned around to see Ivy standing there.
"Hey," I said, quickly moving my hand from Lena's cheek. Ivy came to stand beside me, grabbing the piece of toast from my plate.
"Did you see?"
"You making out with Lynn?" Lena asked. "No, of course not." Ivy laughed, and I smiled at her.
"What does it mean?" I asked my sister.
"Not sure. Not sure if it means anything."
Lena soon packed away her stuff, heading into her room to get changed for the day. As soon as her door closed, Ivy turned to me.
"Hold on, did I miss a chapter? You and Obi?" I looked at my sister, shaking my head.
"No, no, we are just friends."
"I was about to say. I didn't know girls were up your alley."
"They aren't," I said this with so much confidence that maybe even I believed it.
"Well, there is only space for one chaotic gay in this family, and I have had that title for many years now."
"Oh, Ivy, I know." she laughed, flicking a piece of butter onto my pajama top.
"Hey!"
"It's butter. It won't kill you." Maybe butter won't. But my denial could.
note:
- long chapter to make up for the insanely short one before
- this was supposed to be uploaded an hour ago but my sister started to distract me and we got sidetracked so I apologise
- also so random but i went out on Saturday and as i lined up to get inside the club, i met two girls from norway who lived in trondheim... i was dead. dropped dead died. one was called... you'll never guess... nora.
- it felt so weird. like i genuinely didn't know what to do with myself.
- anyways, live laugh love.