| Rowan Presley |
"Just, don't touch me" I murmured, right as Rider, whom had turned up at the coffee shop that Rohan had told me to meet him at, had gone to wrap my shoulders around his so we could walk to the car. He never showed up, only Rider did. So, as I followed him out into the storm, the two of us rushed to his car, as Rider had convinced me to come with him to find Rohan.
This had worried me, after what Rohan had told me yesterday between him and Dad, he worried me. "He hasn't been picking up any of my calls. He had told me to meet him there at the cafe, and when I saw you there, I was so shocked. I didn't know that we would all be back together, today, and that Rohan had gone silent"
I tried to say something, but Rider just threw a towel at me to dry off, as he reached behind my chair to start reversing the car. I just sighed, knowing that this probably had everything to do with me. I had probably caused another argument, and Rohan probably wanted nothing to do with me, after everything that I had put him through.
He had tried his hardest to get back in contact with me, but I hadn't brought myself to be the bigger person and move on from everything that had happened to me, and still is happening to me. This was probably all my fault and I had no idea how to get myself out of this situation, especially with a brother that had barely let me speak much.
Rider had always been like that. Being the middle of us boys, he would always trample over me, quiet literally. I would lay on the floor, when I was a little boy, and if our parents or Rohan were in the room, and he had just come into the room, he would always walk all over me. He always made sure to speak over me.
Maybe that was just what older brothers did. I had never experienced what it was like to have an older brother that was any different, so that was all I knew. I had nothing in common with my friends, especially with the ones that had older brothers, whom I knew were probably nothing like the brothers I had. Sure as shit, I'm pretty sure that my friends all had much better parents than I ever have had and ever will have.
There parents and siblings aren't distant like mine, and they never will be. I'm sure that even if they saw their parents or siblings as something distant, it would be nothing like mine, and I am glad that that is something that they can have. I get jealous from time to time, but there is nothing I can do to change what I have to have what they have.
Not like I'm going back to any friends, anyways. "You know, I've missed you" Rider murmured, dragging me out of my thoughts, but I just continued to watch the rain trickle down my window. I hated everything about this, sitting in my brothers car as he drove me somewhere. For once, my anxiety wasn't sky rocketing around him, and I really didn't care if he just left me in a ditch for someone else.
I was at that point where I was beyond having the feeling for anything. Feelings and emotions were beyond me at this point. Maybe I had missed him, but I was probably just too caught up in myself, being selfish with what I did have. I at least had a brother. "Yeah, you too" was all I could think of saying, which received a sigh from my brother.
"What's happened?" he immediately said, right as we were turning into an expensive apartment building. I hadn't even realized we had been driving into the city. My boarding school was in between New York City and Philadelphia. So, when we had arrived in New York, it shouldn't have surprised me that my brother probably lived in a building like this.
Ignoring his question, I asked one of my own. "What are we doing here?" I would look so out of place with my weathered down uniform, and I didn't want to deal with anymore people looking at me like I didn't belong anywhere. I knew I didn't. The place I had initially called home was nothing like a home to me.
My boarding school was like a home to me, but even then, I couldn't rely on the people there to even be friend's and understand my story. I had no home, and I knew I fitted in nowhere. That was just who I was. I was like a displaced child, and that was exactly how I felt.
I had no one to go home to, or anyone to even call a home like in all those TV shows. Home is supposed to be a person, while you have a place of comfort. I have neither, and I never will. Maybe this was the end of everything. My time to end it all, and let everyone else grieve over me and what I could have been but never will be.
"This is where Rohan lives. We need to see if he's here" and with that, he parked the car, and then we were rushing up the elevators. He also had a key, so I knew they were closer than they seemed to let on. They would have had to have seen each other on multiple occasions to have his key. I wasn't stupid, I had been left out of the brother gang that they had going on with our dad.
I was never included in it as a young child, so why being older, would it ever make a difference to what they had then to what they would have now. We stood in the elevator in silence. I'll give him credit, that he hasn't blown up on me, like Rohan was quick to do to me the other day.
He hasn't been anything like Dad, but he looks like him and I can't help that my mind immediately believes that he could be the same. But maybe he got the Dad that I had always wanted, or just someone that was better than the version of the Dad that I ended up with, even though we had the same Dad.
Maybe I could just pretend that I had a better Dad than the Dad I was given. Just pretend. The doors to the elevator opened, and I stepped out, allowing Rider to go first. I took a deep breath in, hoping that my brother had just over slept or had been called into work, just not telling either one of us.
Rider walked down to a door, trying it with, before he opened it with a key. It was dead silent on the other side of the door, so as Rider took a breath, he opened the door. I was shocked to see how clean it was, but I'm pretty sure that he's never here, as he's either probably at a girls place or working all the time, like he usually did when I knew him as a little boy.
Taking a breath in again, I followed Rider into the apartment, as the door closed behind me. The kitchen bench top was covered in papers, while everything else was beyond clean. The two of us stayed silent, before we could hear a noise. A noise that was shocking me, but I didn't think it would have been coming from my brother.
Neither one of us made a movement, but the sound was again. It was nothing like my brother having sex with someone, as this apartment didn't even look to have like anyone's shoes or keys on the counter top, just my brothers work and his shit every where. Rider immediately followed the noise, and what I saw shocked me.
There he was, my brother, lying over the toilet bowl, with drugs surrounding him. When he fell silent, he slumped against the wall beside the toilet, as I rushed down to him. I watched as his eyes started to close, which made me realize that he could have over dosed. He had taken way too much for it to be putting him to sleep .
"No, no, no, no, stay with me. Rohan!!!! Stop it!!! Stop being idiot!!!! Be smart and great like you always are!!! Don't go!!! No,no,no,no make it stop" I didn't realize that tears had started streaming down my face as I grabbed onto my eldest brothers face. He couldn't do this to me. He was starting to grow on me, and I guess seeing him like this, was not want I wanted to see.
He had reached out to me and I had shut him down. Maybe I was the reason that he over dosed. He couldn't deal with me, like every other person struggled to be around me for longer than a few hours. I couldn't even stand myself. "It shouldn't be you, it has to be me" I murmured, lifting his body so I could wrap my arms around him.
"Row, stop it. Let me go" he muttered weakly, but I shook my head, trying to give him a hug with the best that I could. I hated physical touch, but I just wanted him to be ok. "Rohan, it has to be me. Stop doing this!" and with that, his head fell to my shoulder, as I sobbed over the brother I had wanted to look at me for who I was all of my life.
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thoughts? xx