"Its been about 7 minutes," Diane speaks. Andy and Jack have both talked highly about her in between going to calls. I just sat and listened to both of them. What was, am I supposed to say? Oh that's great but I'm good. I'm fine. I'm clearly not fine and Andy obviously wants me to talk. I'm not talking to her so a shrink is the next option.
I've never seen a shrink before. When I used to go to school the school counselor would always pull me into his office and try to ask me questions about my home life. Though it never ever quite felt like a home. No where ever has.
"Y/n? You here?" Diane asks and I pick up my head. She sits eye level behind Captain Sullivan's desk. He was on a call. The whole team was except Warren. He's on desk duty and Emmet. Emmet's not the greatest firefighter, he's a little...sensitive.
"You're obviously thinking," Diane says getting up and walking towards me. My eyes follow her, watching every move. How does one expect to tell a complete stranger about my life story? I guess it would be better than to talk to someone I know. But again, I don't know.
The woman walks over and sits down in the chair beside me. She smiles lightly and crosses her leg over the other, giving me her full attention. I shake my head and drop my head.
"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I'm not good at this."
"Nobody's ever good at this," Diane gently says with a playful smile. "I've been counseling for a couple years and I'm still not good at it. I'm used to talking to firefighters, not teenagers but I'm told you were in a fire recently. Do you want to start there?"
I shrug. "I don't remember it." Which was truthful. "I wasn't awake. I didn't even know there really was a fire until I... I woke up in the hospital."
Diane nods. "That's what Andy's told me... But you obviously have some sort of connection with Andy too."
"She saved me," I say, keeping my voice low, my body small. I sit with my knees drawn to my chest. I bite the side of my cheek and advert my eyes off of the woman.
Her head nods slowly. "She did. Do you feel safe with her?"
I nod. "Mhm," I hum. "More so than anybody."
"That's a good thing to hear-" Diane pauses and points to something. I slowly follow where she points seeing my teddy bear. I shit slightly and tear my eyes away. "I assume that's yours."
I nod. "Yeah.. I thought I lost it in the fire but Jack got it back. Fixed it up a bit then gave it to me as a gift when we first met."
Diane smiles. "Well that's nice of him. Is that your favorite thing you own?"
I nod again. "My birth mother gave it to me." I sadly drop my head. My eyes slightly look at the bear and bite the corner of my lip.
"Do you remember your birth mother?"
I shake my head. "I don't know anything about her except well..." I let my voice trail, hesitant to even say it. I bite my lip feeling Diane's eyes on me. Lingering.
"Except what?" Diane asks and I shake ny head.
"In the foster system, every home I've been in has been... Not great but that bear got me through all of it. It's been my home since I was a baby," I whisper and reach over, grabbing the bear. "When... When Andy took me in I thought... Maybe just maybe I could call something else home instead of this bear and the note inside it."
"The note inside it?" Diane tilts her head to the side from what I can see out of the corner of my eye. I nod.
"From my birth mom. Andy doesn't know..." My voice trails and I hug the bear tightly, keeping my eyes away from Diane's. "Every time I needed help I would read it. It wasn't much but it meant something. It's all I have from her."
I close my eyes for a second and a moment of silence takes over.
"With meeting Andy you said you don't look at it?"
I shake my head. "I would always read it every night but since being with Andy I haven't read it but that night I woke up in the hospital. I haven't felt..felt the need to."
Diane gently smiles. "That's a good sign then. You feel safe with Andy. Considering you don't need to constantly look at something that was your safe haven proved just how much you like Andy and you know deep down she'll protect you."
I stay quiet and look away. My thumbs mess with each other.
"You know it," Diane smiles. "That's not a bad thing Y/n."
"..I don't want to get hurt."
"Andy's not going to hurt you sweetheart-" Diane pauses and moves. My head picks up and I look at the woman. Her eyes meet mine and she leans forward. "That woman is a fighter just like you. You fought for your life every single day with that man and through that system. I know it may seem hard to trust and give this a try but think about all the possibilities you're being given now. All the happy moments you're going to get to make. Sure there'll be hard days. Andy won't always be your best friend but that's because she cares and wants what's best for you as any mother would want.
You are a kid Y/n. A kid that's dealt with an extensive amount of trauma that you should not have had to deal with but you're here now. You're in good hands and Andy, Station 19 they're good people. They won't let anything happen to you. And we don't have to talk about what's happened today or tomorrow but I think eventually it'd feel really good to finally tell someone what happened to you, to help you through processing it all."
Diane pauses. Her voice gentle through the whole thing. A light smile on her lips as she speaks here and there. Tears well into my eyes as some tears slide down my cheek. My stomach burns and aches. I feel sick and just nod.
"What if I can't ever get to the point of talking about it?" I whisper. Diane nods.
"You will... You're a 15 year old kid who's had to keep everything in for years eventually, unfortunately you'll have a trigger and everything will come out. It happens to all of us. But whether you tell me or Andy is up to you-" She pauses and shifts in her seat slightly. "Andy wants you to open up. I'm here to help guide you and hopefully help you in ways maybe Andy can't."
I stay silent and nod. A couple knocks appear at the door. I swiftly turn my head to see Ben opening it up.
"Sorry to interrupt-"
"We were just finishing up. An hour a day is what Andy requested, but I think for this first session-" Diane stops talking and turns her head away from Ben to me. Our eyes lock. "Thirty-five minutes isn't bad. We'll talk Monday yeah? Give you some time to think on it for a couple days. It was nice meeting you Y/n."
The woman stands and I nod as she grabs her stuff. She heads out of the office and I just sit there hearing footsteps walk in then stop.
"I just came down to see if you two were hungry but, are you hungry?" Ben asks and I shake my head no. "Okay that's fine. There's food upstairs if you get hungry though. I'm going to go do an inventory check if you need me."
I nod again hearing the man leave. I sit there a moment and look down at my shirt. My hoodie rather. Carefully, shakily my hands reach to the bottom of the hoodie and grab the end of it, picking it up. Slowly but surely I lift the hoodie up enough to see bright red seeping through the white bandage covering my stomach. I quickly let go of my hoodie and stand up, struggling. My eyes squeeze together tightly and I wrap my left arm around my stomach as my right hand grips the arm of the chair, balancing myself.
I push myself up fully, opening my eyes. My eyes narrow, my brows furrow. I walk to the open door and look out and around, Ben no where in sight. A low sigh escapes my lips as I head to the door and exit the fire station. Swiftly, with the aching pains and my arm wrapped tightly around my stomach I make my way down the sidewalk getting further and further away from the fire station feeling weaker and weaker. My body screaming to stop. My body feeling numb and my head growing with a burning, numbing, crucial sensation that I've never felt before. But I push myself to keep going. To keep walking, clenching the side of myself as tears threaten my eyes.