After he'd laid down and she'd cajoled him into taking the painkillers she'd fetched for him, she quickly changed in the bathroom. He'd looked almost distressed when she was leaving, so she just took off the shirt and the dress, and pulled her pyjamas over the lacy bodysuit that Bernie and Pearl had convinced her to buy as part of her new 'body loving and celebrating' approach.
As soon as she was under the duvet, he scooped her and wrapped around her, as much as putting his leg onto hers, pinning her down. She let him, moulding into him. She was struck by the contrast between his usual stillness and the little twitches that kept running through his body now: she could feel him quiver from time to time; and his fingers curled and uncurled on her back.
Jackie settled her temple on his biceps and closed her eyes. She was wide awake, but she hoped it might put him to sleep if she breathed deeply and regularly.
"Dom relapsed last week."
His emotionless voice sounded oddly loud in the darkness of her bedroom.
Dom was Alexander's older brother. He was ten years Alexander's senior. Dom had left Fleckney when he'd turned twenty, leaving Alexander alone with their father and their oldest brother, Martin. Their mother had passed away two years before that.
Fleckney's grapevine had previously reported to Jackie that last year Dom had had a suicide attempt and had temporarily returned to Fleckney under Martin's care. The situation was complicated by the fact that the oldest Fergusson brother, together with their father, had been the childhood abuser of both Dom and Alexander. Oliver had told Jackie that Dom had been the reason for Alexander's eventual return to Fleckney: he'd showed up one day, sent Dom's away to a rehab, bought out Martin's failing farm, and then stayed.
"His partner called me. She said he'd stopped going to the meetings, and then he'd disappeared," Alexander continued monotonously. "He's been in the hospital since last Saturday. Hit and run."
That explained his absence at the game. Jackie shifted back to look into his face.
"How serious is it?" she asked.
"He'll be fine." His tone was just as flat as before. "A few broken ribs. It grazed him, or he just fell. It'll detox him too."
"I'm so sorry, Alexander." She stroked his cheek, and he snuggled into her palm. "I'm so very sorry," she murmured, and kissed his forehead, and then his cheek, and the corner of his mouth.
His eyes flew open.
"We can–" he started asking in a bewildered tone, and then frowned. "Nevermind."
"We can– what?" Jackie whispered.
So, she wasn't the only one who thought that something had changed in their relationship. Apparently, the kiss had felt just as zesty to him as to her.
And then a thought came.
"When you texted and called me last week," she asked softly, "did you want to talk about Dom?"
His fingers encircled her wrist, and he pulled her hand and nuzzled her palm again.
"I don't know. I'm not good at talking." He sighed. "I wanted to see you."
"You should've said!" Jackie exclaimed. "I thought you fancied to hook up. I wasn't feeling well, and I was in no shape for a kitchen table shag. But we could've talked!"
"Not good at talking," he repeated, and suddenly face was very close to hers. "Are you feeling better now?"
She needed to switch the conversation topic!
"Alexander, what happened tonight?" she asked and pressed her hand into his shoulder.
He emitted a disgruntled noise and released her.
"We were out, and Milly got accosted by some lads," he grumbled. "But that's not what triggered me. And I only used my left hand."
Jackie gawked at him, utterly confused by two out three of his statements - and then she impulsively repeated, "You were out with Milly." And she immediately realised what she'd just said. "Which is fine, of course. You can go out with anyone you want! I didn't mean to intrude! And I didn't mean anything by it!"
"This is new for me," he said darkly. "I don't know what to do when there are two women. Do you want to know about Milly?"
So, there were two women after all. It was to be expected. Milly's attitude towards Alexander, and consequently towards Jackie, had been clear since the first day when Jackie had tripped in the ice cream parlour.
"You don't owe me an explanation," Jackie said in a tense, unnaturally high voice.
"You're the one who said 'no' to dating," Alexander reminded her. The tender caresses of his palm on her lower back were in stark contrast with his indifferent tone. "I don't understand the boundaries here. Let me know how much information you need."
"I don't need any information," she muttered stubbornly. "Anyroad, you should get some sleep."
He furrowed his eyebrows in obvious unease. She knew she was being unfair - and cruel - using his social limitations to avoid an open conversation and fuelling her unfounded irritation.
"It wasn't a date with Milly," he said.
"Alexander," she tried to stop him.
"I was out with several of my employees. It was a work party."
"Honestly, you don't have to–"
"Milly got bladdered," he continued, interrupting her. "They all did. I don't drink, so I was a–"
"Please stop!" She rolled away from him on the bed and rose onto her knees. "I'm sorry! I had no right, and I still pried and pushed your buttons." She covered her face with her hands. "Ugh, I hate myself right now!"
"I'm not sleeping with anyone but you."
"Oh god, you're making it worse!"
She dropped her hands. He awkwardly sat up as well, his palm over his ribs on the left side, and leaned against the headboard.
"It's easier for me if you just tell me what we're doing," he said, peering into her face. "Why push my buttons if you can just ask?"
"Because I'm a terrible person," Jackie groaned. "I'm... a dog in the manger!"
"A what?"
Jackie exhaled purposefully and met his eyes. "Alexander, I got jealous of Milly. And again, I had no right to! I saw the two of you after the game in Abernathy. And I suspect that she properly fancies you."
"She does," he deadpanned. "She was pissed, and she came at me tonight."
Jackie hugged herself around her middle defensively. "Well, you have this effect on women. I've done the same, haven't I?" she jeered. "I'm sorry you had to go through this again."
"I didn't hate it with you," he answered calmly. "But she triggered me. She was angry. Reminded me of my mother when she'd get bladdered."
Jackie's breathing caught. "But– I knew your mother drank, but I didn't know that she also–" She grasped the collar of her top.
"She didn't beat or molest me," he said and turned away, his blank gaze on the window. "She would get angry and cry. She used to lock me in the cellar or in the car, because she didn't want to see me. But only when Adam was away."
Jackie remembered that Alexander called his father by his first name, even back in Year 10. Her hands were starting to shake; and she clenched her fists so tightly that her nails painfully sank into her palms.
"I wasn't hers biologically, did you know?" he added, almost in passing. "Adam made her adopt me, after his bit-on-the-side gave me up."
Her lips quivered, and she shifted closer to him. "Alexander..."
He faced her. "It's OK," he said evenly. "Sorry, that was a lot. I'm still dysregulated. I normally keep it to myself."
"Can I hug you, please?"
Her voice broke. He nodded; and she threw herself at him, squeezing him with all her strength.
"I'm not upset," he commented.
Tears burst out of her eyes.
"I am upset! My poor, poor– Oh Alexander," Jackie sobbed.
She started stroking his head, and felt him tense and start retreating.
"I don't want any pity," he gritted through his teeth. "That's why I don't talk about it."
"It's not pity!" Jackie cried out, grasping at him. "I don't pity you! It just breaks my heart that it happened to you!" She withdrew and cupped his face, making him look at her. "Do you understand? I care for you, and it hurts to know that you've been through something like this. It doesn't change how I see you now."
She released him and hurriedly wiped her wet cheeks. When she glanced up, she saw him purse his lips pensively.
"It does feel different," he finally spoke. "When it's you."
"I need to wash my face."
In the ensuite she tried to fix her disastrous appearance with cold water. Her pasty freckled skin didn't tolerate crying well: her eyes were puffy, and her face was blotched. Back in the bedroom, he was sitting upright on the bed, waiting for her. She climbed under the duvet and patted the spot next to her.
"We should try to sleep," she said. "You've had a rough evening."
"How was your evening?" he asked without moving. "You looked very nice. Different somehow."
"It's a new dress, and I styled my hair. And yeah, the evening was good." She reminded herself that she had no reason to be that evasive. "Bernie is my assistant's Aunt. She offered to be friends with me. She's fun."
He slid down and lay on his side, facing her. Her curls were in disarray, and she tucked a few stray ones away, behind her ear. He sighed.
"Was it a date?"
"What?! No! Of course not!"
"Milly said you were dating. But I reckon it isn't official yet. You wouldn't have offered me to stay. Or kissed me. It wasn't a proper kiss, though." He gave it a thought. "And you did have an affair with Bassey. When you were married."
"What?!" Jackie jerked away from him and sat up. "None of this is true! Neither about Stephen, nor Bernie– I thought I didn't have a husband anymore! And it's not the same! But I wouldn't, of course–" She ran out of breath, somehow having failed to finish a single sentence; and gulped lungfuls of air with open mouth. "How does– What– I would never!"
"You would never date her?" he repeated.
"No! I would never cheat! With you on Bernie, or with Bernie on–" She stumbled over her words. "On you."
"We aren't together," he pointed out in the same blasé tone. "She's a good person, we have mutual friends. She's the right age. Fleckney is progressive. Parents would be OK with you two."
"Do you want me to date her?" Jackie jeered.
"No. I want you to date me."
Apparently her sarcasm went right over his head; and to be honest, she was relieved. This venomous confrontational attitude of hers left a nasty taste in her mouth.
"She makes sense, though," he continued. "After your failed marriage and your relationship with Bassey. She can give you what I can't. Just let me know if we're done."
"But–" Jackie stared at him aghast. "But–" She simply couldn't understand his line of thought! "If you assumed that I was dating her, why did you come?"
He looked aside, his face set in hard lines.
"I shouldn't have. Like I said, I was dysregulated." He slowly exhaled through his nose. His lips twisted anxiously. "After Dom, you said 'no,' and I managed. But not tonight. I just couldn't– help it. If you decide we're over, I won't do it again. I want you all to myself. I can't just have you care for me as a friend." Another of his pensive pauses followed. "I might not hook up with you anymore either. It's not enough."
She gawked at him; and suddenly he yawned widely and rubbed his unbruised eye.
"Let me know in the morning if you have a decision," he said. "Can we sleep now? The meds kicked in."
Jackie opened and closed her mouth; lay down next to him; and then, after a small consideration, she turned around and pushed her back into him. He readily spooned her, and she felt him nuzzle her hair.
"I hope you don't," he murmured.
"I don't– what?" she whispered; but he didn't answer.
Just a few seconds later his breathing evened out, but the grip of his arm around her didn't loosen even a bit.