It was one o'clock in the morning, and they were right back where they started. Esi, Lauren and Alicia were sitting in the living room of the apartment. Heels were cast aside, and the girls were currently munching on plantain fries they bought from a Caribbean food cart. They surreptitiously glanced at each other, no one saying anything. As much as she loved her friends, Esi was tired and she knew that her train would leave in the morning, so sleep was a necessity.
She cleared her throat, and both sets of eyes flew towards her.
"I know that this isn't necessary, but...I'm gonna preface this conversation by saying that we are all friends, and nobody is going to get judged here." She used her hands to gesture between the three of them.
"Well, that's a given," Alicia stated.
"Okay....so—
Alicia cut Esi off before she could begin.
"I know what you're trying to do Esi, and I don't think it's necessary," Alicia ran a hand over her short, dark coils frustratingly. "I just need...I need Lauren to tell me what's wrong. Everytime Jamie is around, she closes off, or ignores him. Did Jamie do or say something wrong? Did I—
"You didn't do anything!" Lauren interjected loudly. "Jamie didn't do anything either."
Alicia matched her tone, "Then what is the problem?"
Lauren's eyes flitted between Alicia and Esi. She opened and closed her mouth several times, but the words wouldn't come.
Esi nodded to her encouragingly. "Go on Lo. Tell her."
Before she even began to speak, tears welled in Lauren's eyes. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, Alicia. I don't know..I...it's so stupid." She tried to explain how she felt through the tears. She spoke about her parents, her upbringing, and her fear of being left behind without support.
She hadn't even finished when Alicia scrambled off of the couch towards her, enveloping her in a hug.
Alicia let her cry for a while, then pulled back. She brushed Lauren's hair out of her face. "You silly, silly sweet girl. I really wished you told me how you felt. As if you could ever get rid of me. You're my best friend..." Alicia turned to Esi. "No offense."
Esi waved her off. She knew that Alicia and Lauren were closer, and she was glad that they had each other.
" Jamie and I are still new, and yes, I really, really like him, but you're the number one person in my life. No one else has been there for me like you," She chewed on her lip, a tell tale sign that she was anxious. "And I get scared too—
"You do? Why?" Lauren interjected.
"Because I don't want to be alone either. That's why I was so glad when you agreed to move down here with me. I didn't want to be alone. It's been like that my whole life."
Lauren reached out her hand to offer comfort and Esi watched the scene unfold before her.
"I like what we have now...together. Jamie knows that too. That's why he always insists on the three of us doing things together. So don't worry about him, okay?"
Lauren nodded her head.
"We good?" Alicia asked.
"Yea..." Lauren sniffed. "I'm sorry."
"Oh hush," Alicia retorted and hugged her friend. She leaned her head back to address Esi. "You're really gonna mess up this moment?"
"What're you talking about?" Esi asked.
"Group hug, please." Alicia stretched out her arms towards her, and Esi put down her chips container and crawled over to hug her friends.
"I love you guys." Lauren whispered.
"We love you too," Esi and Alicia chimed.
Esi pulled away with a smirk. "Speaking of love..." She looked pointedly at Alicia. Lauren caught on quickly, and they both turned their full attention towards Alicia.
"Is there something that you would like to tell us?"
"Do tell Alicia..." Lauren inserted.
Alicia wore a confused look on her face. "Like wha—
"O shut up, you two!" Alicia jumped up, grabbed a pillow and began to hit them both with it while berating them about their nosiness.
Between laughs, Lauren wheezed, "You're the one who almost let it slip at the club."
Alicia stopped, then threw herself down on the couch. Realization overtaking her face.
She looked at both of her friends, and in the most timid voice they had ever heard her speak in, she asked, "Do you think it's too soon?"
Esi let Lauren speak because she wasn't around Alicia as much.
"No...I don't. He's good for you, Alicia. He's not like the others, and that's a good thing," she didn't stop there. "And...I know for sure that he loves you too."
"You think so?"Alicia asked.
"Yea...who wouldn't?" Lauren answered. Alicia looked to Esi who nodded her head. "He and I had a chat at the club when you went for drinks...I'm pretty sure he's enthralled with you."
"Okay....Okay," Alicia breathed as if coming to terms with it. Then, she covered her face with the pillow and screamed giddily.
~~~
Esi was just exiting the bathroom after brushing her teeth, ready to get the few hours of sleep remaining, when she saw Alicia waiting for her in the hallway. Alicia put a finger to her lips and pointed to Lauren's room. Then, she gestured for Esi to follow her to the kitchen. Esi quietly made her way across the hardwood and into the kitchen.
"What's up?" She quietly asked Alicia.
"Sorry, I know you're probably tired and you have to get up early but...why do you think she didn't want to tell me?" Alicia asked, referring to Lauren.
"She was ashamed...and probably conflicted,"Esi replied.
"Why would she be conflicted?" Alicia leaned against the kitchen island with a sigh. "I'm sorry...I already know the answers to the questions that I have. It's just that I'm hurt that she felt like she couldn't talk to me, but I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way because she is hurting."
Esi climbed up on the bar stool next to where Alicia stood and sat.
"I think that's how she felt too—conflicted. Let's be honest... your relationship track record isn't that—Alicia raised an eyebrow—great...and she's seen how happy you are with Jamie, how different it is with him. She probably didn't want to jeopardize it."
Alicia flopped her head down onto the countertop, and after a few seconds raised it back up. Her tired brown eyes looked up at Esi, as if pleading for her to have the answers.
Esi reached out and lay her hand on her friend's shoulder.
"I know that you meant what you said tonight. But that was only a band-aid. It doesn't fix anything, and if it continues like this, you'll have to choose one of them."
"Why can't I have both—my friend and my boyfriend?" Alicia weakly asked.
"It's different in this case, and I think you're realizing that." Esi answered her friend as gently as she could.
"So what happens next? What should I do? Because I did mean that I want to take things slow. That I'm not in a hurry to leave but...what happens in three years, Esi? Suppose it's still the same."
Esi hopped off the stool, and stood in front of her friend. It was moments like these when she saw the differences in their heights. Alicia with her willowy, modelesque limbs was as tall as, if not slightly taller than Porte.
Porte.
His name rang like an echo in her mind, and she regretted not texting him back.
Esi pulled away from that thought to focus on her friend.
"Firstly, I know this is just an off moment for you. You know Lauren. Even more than the rest of us. Have faith in her. Second, maybe you can go see a therapist...together. There are unresolved issues from both of your pasts, maybe that'll help."
Alicia closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. When she opened them, Esi could see the determination in her eyes. Then, she reached down to hug Esi.
"Thank you," Alicia whispered.
"Anytime," Esi pulled out of the hug. "Let me know how it goes. Call me...text me. I'm just a drive away, and so is Lena.
"Okay."
"Goodnight..or actually good morning."
As Esi turned to walk away, Alicia called after her.
"You're good at listening to people, and you give great advice. I say this out of love Esi...I know how things can be...with Andrew and with Sabine—Esi completely froze in her tracks—take your advice too, Esi. See someone."
Esi was speechless because she did not expect to become the subject of this conversation. She could see the look of pity that Alicia gave her from where she stood.
A sad smile overtook her friend's face as she took off the kitchen light and walked towards her.
"Goodnight, Esi."
Alicia gently patted her shoulder and made her way to her room.
Esi was still frozen for a few seconds before she snapped out of it and made her way to the pull out couch.
She prayed for Alicia's and Lauren's friendship then willed sleep to come quickly so that she didn't have to deal with the ramifications of Alicia's words.