Esi pushed the restroom door open, then locked it, and as soon as she stepped in, she saw her friend's red eyes reflected in the mirror in front of them. Lauren stood at the sink desperately trying to rub at her blotchy cheeks.
"Oh Lo..." Esi moved towards her.
"Please tell me what's wrong."
"Noth—"
Hand up, Esi cut her off. "Don't do that. It's me Lauren. You can tell me anything...I know that something's wrong."
A downfallen look overtook Lauren's face. Esi could see the turmoil on her face as she tried to figure out whether or not she should tell Esi the problem. She sighed and turned to look at herself in the mirror, eyes welding with tears. Lauren just stared at her reflection in the mirror, shaking her head at herself. Esi hated to see the way that she looked at herself. She also knew that if she didn't prompt the conversation that Lauren would never tell her the problem and that they would be late for the show. Not that the latter was equally as important.
Esi reached out to smooth her friend's stray hairs that had messily fallen across her face.
"You can't convince me that something isn't wrong." She decided to jump straight to the point.
"I see how you look at Jamie." It pained Esi to even utter the next words, but she needed to know. "Did he do something....Do you know something bad about him? Did he do something to you or..Alicia?" A part of Esi doubted the last part of her words. She knew that Alicia could handle herself, and if Jamie had ever done anything to her— she would have voiced it, Esi would have known about it.
Lauren's head swiveled towards her.
"Did he...what? No...no..no," she sputtered."Jamie would...Jamie would never. He's so...He's so good, especially to her."
Confusion hit Esi. If Jamie wasn't the issue, then what was?
"Okay..." She replied slowly, and a thought occurred to her.
"Then, was it Alicia? Well..it couldn't be because we were all having a good time last night, and even today." Esi scratched her head, as she leaned against the restroom's marble countertop. She folded her arms. It was her last night in the city, and she knew that it would be easier for Lauren to talk to her face to face than over the phone.
There was silence between them, and Lauren was avoiding eye contact with her, nervously picking at her nails. Her friend's distress unnerved her, but she didn't want to push too much. She would wait to see what was wrong with her friend.
Lauren let out a slow exhale, steeling her nerves.
"You'll think less of me," she whispered.
Esi pushed off of the counter. "Why...why would you ever think that?" She paused. "I mean...this isn't a situation with a premeditated murder or something sketchy, so I think you're good with me thinking less of you."
She saw the corner of her friend's mouth twitch slightly upward.
"I've told you how my family is...hell, you've met my parents," Lauren clutched at her dress. "I was so glad when I got the scholarship to go to Connecticut for college. It was so...so freeing. I had to get away from the cluster...from being managed." Her voice started to rise the more she spoke.
"They hated it when I left. There were so many...traditional expectations, Esi. Get married young. Have a family. Housewife etiquette, you know?"
Esi nodded because she understood about familial expectations, but she didn;t say anything else because she was glad that her friend was talking.
"The things they said to me. To their child. To their daughter. Hateful things. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't go back, that I would prove them wrong."
"And you did," Esi interjected. "Look at you now...so different from when we first met."
Lauren smiled softly. "I know...but it was only because of you girls. Only because of Alicia."
Esi frowned. She knew that the influence of others could make a person want to change, but the changing has to be done by the person themself. She remembered when she and Alicia first met Lauren. They never judged her for her conservative way of dressing, and even her more narrowed outlook on life. Although, there were some aspects of race that she was naive towards, which were addressed. They never pushed her to change who she was, never tried to make her feel out of place. They understood how she grew up, and she explained that this was the closest that she had ever gotten to see and understand the world outside of where she grew up.
"She's special, Esi. No one has ever treated me like she has."
Esi paused her internal monologue.
"You mean Alicia?"
Lauren nodded. "I know you and Lena love me, but after college you left." Esi opened her mouth to interject.
"Wait," Lena held her palm out. " I'm not blaming you...I'd never blame you for living."
Esi closed her mouth, and waited.
"I leaned on you girls so much in college...me being in a new environment, and after I realized what a support system you were. I was so scared." She threw her hands up.
"You know me Esi. I've never been that adept at making friends, because everyone seemed so free, and I didn't know how to relate."
Esi had seen Lauren, even this weekend, interact with strangers that they had seen at the comedy club, and it amazed her how much her introverted friend had changed . It stung, however, when she realized, in a way, that she and Lena had sort of abandoned her.
"I know that look, Elizabeth. I didn't say that to make you feel bad, it's just how I felt at the time...when Alicia asked me to move in after, I felt stable, like I'd finally found my family. Like I had a home."
A wistful look overtook Lauren's face. "This city isn't anything like my town. It isn't even like college. It was so much, so fast at first, and she helped me so much with people," she chuckled. "You knew her, almost nothing causes Alicia to falter."
Lauren looked Esi in the eyes. "This is going to sound stupid...and childish even, but I know I'm going to lose her Esi. This is different from her other relationships, he's as real as they come, and so good for her." The tears streamed down her friend's face, and Esi reached out to hug her as she cried.
It made her want to cry too, because everyone understands loneliness at some level. But where Lauren was...how she felt, it had to be addressed because it could drive anyone down a dark path.
"Oh honey..." Esi hugged her even tighter, then she held her at arm's length. "Lo, there's nothing stupid about how you feel...nothing at all, okay? It's just that you're being a bit...rude. To Jamie. Who hasn't done anything wrong."
Esi continued, "I think you need to talk to Alicia, tell—
"No!" Lauren pushed away from her.
"I can't tell her this," she began to pace. "I can't...I won't let her change anything for me."
Lauren pulled at her long tresses.
"I know that I've been going about it the wrong way, and after her string of "wastemen" as you would say, he's perfect for her, and I'm happy for her, but not...I feel like a terrible friend because I know how much she deserves to be happy."
"You're not a terrible friend, Lo. A terrible friend wouldn't feel guilty about human thoughts," Esi lay a hand on her friend's shoulder. "You're a good friend. You've always been the calmest and most sensible out of the four of us. And...I know how much Alicia loves you like a sister. You had a bond with each other outside of me and Lena. You've experienced a lot together, so I think she would want to know this... that you should be honest with her."
Esi stepped back to give Lauren some room to think.
"I'm scared, Esi. What if she hates me?"
"She could never...we both know that," Esi said. "Would you like me to be there when you tell her?"
The thought of a confrontation made Esi anxious, but she was determined to help improve her friends' relationship.
Lauren grasped her hand. "Would you?"
Esi nodded in response. "Now let's freshen you up, and go back out there to enjoy some music. I want you to try to enjoy yourself tonight and not worry too much about things that you can't control." She dabbed at Lauren's face with a tissue, trying to wipe away the excess mascara. "We'll all have a serious chat before I leave, but we still have a few hours before that. Okay?"
"Okay," Lauren turned to look at her reflection. " Can you tell that I've been crying?"
"Just a little...I tried to fix your mascara runs, so it looks a bit like you did a smokey eye, which is fine," she assured her. "Plus it'll be dark in there so no one will see."
Lauren closed her eyes for a few seconds, and inhaled a deep breath, then exhaled.
"Ready?" Esi asked, and held out her arm.
Lauren hooked her arms into Esi's. "Yea...let's go."
As they opened the restroom door, they were met with a few impatient looks. The girls quickly mumbled sorry and sped away.
"Oh my goodness, how long do you think they were waiting? I didn't even hear a knock." They were so absorbed in the conversation that they had forgotten that other people needed access to the restroom.
"I didn't hear it either," Lauren giggled, and was so pleased to hear the sound. She looked at her watch. They had exactly a minute before the set started, and she swore that they were in the restroom forever.
As they maneuvered their way back to the seats, Esi felt when Lauren stiffened, and she squeezed her arm reassuringly.
"It'll be fine. I'm here with you." Esi really wasn't completely sure that it would be fine, but she knew that she had to keep a brave face for Lauren.
Lauren gave a near imperceptible nod.
They slid back into the booth, and Esi could see Jamie trying not to stare, and Alicia looking worriedly at them.
Esi was signaling to Alicia that they would speak later when the lights dimmed further, indicating that the act was starting. She picked at her food, and felt anxious for Lauren as she knew that the night might not end favorably.