"Hala, sino 'yon ihahagis sa pool!" Sigaw ni Claire habang papasok kami sa resort nila Jay.
"Si Kenzie 'yan, baka may amats na kaya ihahagis na sa pool," sagot ni Jay and my heart skipped a beat.
Humarap sa akin si Claire at kumindat. She always knew that I always had a crush on Kenzie but I never acted on it. Mamaya straight 'yung tao eh.
Lumabas kami sa sasakyan at umupo sa cottage na tinambayan nila.
"Pooota!" Sigaw ni Kenzie pag-ahon niya at napalingon naman silang lahat sa kanya.
"Hala, okay lang ba siya?" Tanong ni Claire kay Jay.
"Di ko alam dyan," natatawang sagot ni Jay sa kanya at napasimangot naman si Kenzie sa kanya.
"Letche ang lamig," giniginaw na sabi ni Kenzie.
She was looking at everyone except me. Why won't she look at me? I guess that's my sign.
"Hello po," bati nila kay Kenzie and I just looked at her. Maybe kapag hindi ako nagpakita ng interes sa kanya mapapansin niya ko? Pathetic naman, Kai!
"Hello. Sino si Claire?" Tanong niya.
"Ako po," pabebeng sagot ni Claire sa kanya. Nagpapalakas pa sa mga kaibigan ni Jay eh.
"Staright ka?" Bigla niyang tanong kay Claire at nagkatinginan naman kami.
Ako, hindi ako straight. Balikong baliko, para sa'yo. Ask me, Kenzie.
Nakakainis! Sobrang desperado ko sa attention mo. Hindi naman ako ganito? Bakit para akong mamamatay kapag hindi mo ako napansin ngayong gabi? I feel like this is my only chance to make my move.
Nanghihinayang na tumango si Claire sa kanya.
"Parang nanghihinayang ka," sita ni Che sa kanya at natawa naman kami.
Grabe namang tawa 'yan, Kenzie. Ang saya makitang masaya siya. Baduy.
"Nakakapanghinayang talaga, ang ganda kaya ng mga babae," sabi niya at nagkatinginan na naman kami ni Claire.
Is this her saying she's not straight?
"Right?" Biglang sabat ko at napatingin naman siya sa akin.
Right? Kai are you dumb?
"I'm Kai," sabi ko sa kanya at kumaway. Why the fuck did I wave? Ano bang problema ko!
Nakatingin lang sa akin si Kenzie and for some reason, hindi ko maiwas ang tingin ko sa kanya. Kahit na naiilang na ako.
"I'm Kenzie," sabi niya at ginaya pa ang pagkaway ko sa kanya.
I know.
"Bagay kayo," sabat ng isa nilang kaibigan na ikinakaba ko na naman. Nagkatinginan kami ni Claire at umiling ako sa kanya, signing for her to stop the conversation.
Baka hindi ko kayanin kapag ni-reject na kaagad ako ni Kenzie wala pa nga ak-
"Oo nga feel ko rin, tayo na lang?" Napigil ang takot ko dahil sa sagot niya and I let out a nervous laugh.
Nawala ang attention sa amin nang biglang bumagsak ang mic at lumikha ng nakakarinding ingay.
Napatingin ulit ako kay Kenzie at nakita ko namang nanginginig na siya sa lamig. Inilabas ko ang towel ko at para naman akong tinutulungan ng universe.
"Gago anlamig, asan ba towel ko?" Bulong niya sa sarili niya.
"Here, use mine," sabi ko sa kanya at iniabot ang towel ko. Hindi naman siya nagdalawang isip na tanggapin ito.
"Thank you, mahal na ata kita," pagbibiro niya. Bakit hindi mo pa totohanin?
"Gusto mo umupo?" Tanong ko sa kanya at umiling siya.
I think I might've pushed it too far.
"Magpapatuyo muna ako, baka ma-wet ka eh," sabi niya na ikinagulat naman ng buong pagkatao ko. What is going on?
Bago pa ako makasagot sa kanya ay bigla naman siyang binatukan ni Jay at napasimangot ako.
"Tangina ka, kaya ayaw ko ipakilala sa inyo mga bunganga niyo eh. Lalo ka na," masungit niyang sabi kay Kenzie pero imbis na magalit ay tinawanan niya lang ang kaibigan niya.
Is this how they bond? I don't like seeing her be treated this way. Kahit na magkakaibigan pa sila. It's in bad taste.
-
"So ano? Ano nangyari sa inyo ni Kenzie kagabi?" Tanong sa akin ni Claire.
"Hindi ko rin alam. Nag-aalala na nga ako eh," sabi ko sa kanya at nag-iba naman ang mukha niya.
"Why? Ano bang nangyari?" Tanong niya at bumuntong hininga ako.
"We did it, and I promise wala akong sinimulan. Siya nag-initiate ng lahat, kasi I don't want to take advantage," panimula ko.
"But?" Sunod ni Claire and I looked at her.
"But, earlier hindi na niya ako pinansin. While we're having breakfast. Saka nung nagpaalam, hindi niya man lang ako tinitignan. Do you think I offended her? Or it felt to her na I was forcing myself onto her?" Napapraning na tanong ko kay Claire at umiling naman siya.
"That's absurd, baka may hangover lang. Don't overthink it," sabi niya at tumango na lang ako sa kanya kahit hindi ako convinced.
Iba kasi 'yung tingin ni Kenzie eh. She looked at me like she was afraid of me, like she was terrified of me.
-
It's been months since our last interaction, we never had one again after that. I thought it was my chance to be with her, guess I thought wrong.
I see her from time to time sa campus. Maganda pa rin, wala namang pinagbago. But she wasn't smiling. Para lang siyang laging nabibigatan at nahihirapan kapag nakikita ko siya. It's so hard seeing her that way, but I guess it's better to see her like that than not see her at all.
"Kai, mabait ba sila?" Tanong sa akin ni Suzy habang ikinakawit ang kamay niya sa kamay ko. I didn't react dahil wala namang malisya sa akin.
"Yeah, I guess they're okay," sabi ko, Pertaining to Jay and his friends. Nagyaya sila ngayon na tumambay sa unit ni Jay and it's Kenzie's first time to join us kaya kahit pagod na pagod ako galing practice, pinilit kong sumama. I need this. I need to talk to her.
Bago dumiretso sa condo ni Jay ay tumigil muna kami sa isang store kung saan nagpaluto sila ng mga pagkain. I think they know the owner since kung itrato sila parang sila ang anak.
Inaabangan kong bumaba si Kenzie sa sasakyan pero hindi naman siya bumababa.
"Uy si Kenzie! Hello!" Sigaw ni Claire at noong dapat titingin na ako kay Kenzie ay bigla namang hinawakan ni Suzy ang mukha ko at iniharap sa kanya.
"Look at me. Am I pretty?" Tanong niya habang nagpapacute pa pero tinanggal ko lang ang kapit sa akin tinignan si Kenzie pero sarado na ang bintana ng sasakyan.
"Ano ba 'yan, Suzy!" Pagsusungit ko sa kanya. Minsan na nga lang ako makakasilay.
Paalis na kami nang biglang bumaba si Kenzie sa sasakyan ni Oli.
"Ganda talaga ni Kenzie," bulong ni Che.
She's so pretty, it's out of this world.
"Kenzie! San ka?" Tanong ni Jay at napalingon naman sa kanya si Kenzie.
"Magpapakita lang," sagot niya itinuro ang tindahan.
Maya-maya pa ay umalis na kami, pero dahil epal si Suzy, may kailangan pa daw siyang bilhin sa mall.
Habang paakyat kami ng elevator ay nakaramdam ako ng matinding takot. Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko at parang nagkaron ng butas sa sikmura ko.
This never happened, what's wrong with me?
"Guys? San kayo?" Tanong ni Jay pagpasok niya ng unit niya dahil walang tao pero naririnig mong nagkakagulo sila.
Umupo lang kami sa sala niya at pumasok si Jay sa kwarto niya.
"What happened in here?! Kenzie!" Narinig kong sigaw ni Jay bago ibalibag ang pinto at napatayo naman ako.
"Kai," gulat at nag-aalalang sabi ni Claire at napatingin maman ako sa kanya.
After a few minutes of back and fort, lumabas sila sa kwarto ni Jay na iba na ang mga suot na damit with blood shot eyes.
"Claire, tanungin mo anong nangyari," sabi ko kay Claire at hinila siya palapit kila Jay.
I can't stay put. Hindi ko alam anong lagay ni Kenzie. Hindi ako mapakali. Parang kanina pa ako napapraning.
"What happened? Are you okay?" Tanong ni Claire kay Jay.
"Yeah, I'm good," sagot ni Jay.
"Ask about Kenzie," bulong ko kay Claire habang sinusubukang magtago sa likod niya kahit naman mas matangkad ako sa kanya.
"Asan si Kenzie? Is she okay?" Pagsunod ni Claire at tinignan ko naman ang mga kaibigan niya.
"Yeah. She accidentally cut her hand, she's washing it now," sagot ni Jay ulit at tumango naman si Claire bago ako hilahain palayo.
"You should've asked more," sabi ko sa kanya habang inuupo ako sa tabi ni Suzy.
"What do you want me to say? Obviously more happened but I can't pry like that! They've met me 4 months!" Pagsermon sa akin ni Claire at umirap naman ako sa kanya.
"What if she's not fine? What if she's in trouble because of me?" Tanong ko sa kanya and she shook her head.
"If she's not fine, her friends are looking out for her. Calm down," sabi niya at umirap ako.
How am I gonna calm down? I'm worried sick!
"Kumalma ka nga. Pasandal," sabi ni Suzy sa akin at walang pasabing ginawa akong sandalan.
"Tama 'yan, pumirmi ka," sabi ni Claire sakin at bago ko pa matulak palayo si Suzy ay lumabas na si Kenzie with a short hair. What the fuck?
Sa sobrang gulat ay napatayo ako.
What happened to her hands? Bakit lahat may bandaid? Did she do this on purpose? To hurt herself?
My eyes are locked at her pero hindi niya ako tinignan. Not even a glance. She didn't even breathe towards me.
I guess that was really it. Just one night. Tangina.
Akala ko yun na eh. Tagal kong tumanaw lang sa malayo. I had one night alone with her, and I screwed it up. Stupid.
Nagbukas si Kenzie ng Alfoncoke at agad naman akong kinaladkad ni Suzy papunta sa kanila para humingi rin.
"Kai, pagtimpla mo rin ako," sabi sa akin ni Suzy at tinignan ko lang siya.
"Wala namang ititimpla dyan," inis kong sabi. Nagpapatawa ata eh.
"Eh, gusto ko ipaglagay mo rin ako. Just like how he serves her," sabi niya at itinuro si Oli at Kenzie na ngayon ay naglalakad na palayo.
Hindi ka naman si Kenzie, why would I spoil you? Si Kenzie lang ang gusto kong i-spoil. I wanna spoil her so bad.
"Stop acting so spoiled, Suzy," sermon ko dito.
I saw Kenzie turn to look at me, with hurt on her face.
What did I do? Oh fuck.
"No, that's not what I mean," natataranta kong sabi. I want to explain myself but I couldn't find the right words. Bago pa ako makausap ay tinalikuran na niya ako at bumalik sa sofa.
"I'm sorry about her, she's just really in a bad mood," sabi sa akin ni Oli when he saw the look on my face.
I just nodded but I kept on punishing myself. I feel so guilty. I feel like I've been pushing her away because I keep on screwing things up.
-
"Why are you still talking about that? It happened months ago," malamig niyang sabi sa akin and then it hit me.
Bakit ko sinasabing I screwed up? As if she'd fall for me in just one night. It didn't even affect her the way it did me. Who am I kidding?
"You got it," I said as it was my cue to leave.
-
As I was getting food for her, nakita ko siyang bigla na lang napabangon. Nagising ata sa ingay sa labas.
I walked out seeing her panicking.
"Why? What's wrong? Did you have a bad dream?" I asked worriedly as she looked like she was about to cry.
"Was I dreaming? Last night?" She asked at umiling ako.
"No. Last night was like a dream, but it's real," I answered before hugging her. She looks like she was about to cry. I don't know what to do.
"Why did you leave me while I was sleeping?" Tanong niya.
Is she bothered about that?
"I was trying to get you breakfast. Nag-order sila," pagpapaliwanag ko sa kanya and she just nodded while still looking like she was about to cry.
The smile that I like so much that she showed last night was not here anymore. Again.
"Saan mo gusto kumain? Dito?" I asked, trying to change her mood.
"Sa loob na tayo, maingay at mainit na dito," sabi niya at nilampasan na ako.
Pagpasok ko ay bigla na lang ako hinila ni Suzy patabi sa kanya. Kenzie was talking to her friends, looking upset.
Was it me? Did I mess up again? Akala ko okay na kami kagabi.
Nakita ko siyang kumuha ng Alfonso sa ref at pagalit na nakipag-usap sa mga kaibigan niya. What's happening?
Hindi pa lumalamig ang pagkain namin nagsabi na si Kenzie na uuwi na siya. So when I had the chance, nilapitan ko na siya. I didn't want to go another 4 months wondering if I did something wrong.
I tried to talk pero isang tanong isang sagot lang nakuha ko sa kanya. I was still about to talk to her pero lumabas na siya ng condo.
"Sorry about that. It wasn't your fault, we screwed up," sabi ni Eli habang tinatapik ang balikat ko bago umalis.
It has been four days since I got news from Kenzie. Walang post, walang message, maski sila Oli walang update sa kanya.
For the first three days, kampante sila dahil akala nila nandon si Kenzie sa family home nila back in La Union, this morning they started to panic dahil nalaman nilang wala naman pala si Kenzie don.
"Kentaro, here's Kenzie's clothes na she can wear, call me kapag sumipot," sabi ni Oli sa kapatid ni Kenzie.
They look a like. Like a lot. Are they twins?
"Ayon!" Sigaw ni Ady nang makita niyang si Kenzie na nananakbo sa crowd.
As soon as I saw her, I let out a sigh of relief. It didn't matter what she did, what's important is that she's okay.
Natanggal sa ulo niya ang hood ng jacket na suot niya and I saw kung gaano kamaga ang mata niya.
"Kenzie!" Galit na sigaw ni Eli at napatingin naman ako sa kanila. Why are they so mad?
Hindi sila pinansin ni Kenzie at patuloy lang ang pagtakbo papunta sa team ng kapatid niya.
All I did was support her. I heard a lot of screams and even rumor while she was on stage but I didn't care.
I screamed my lungs out. She's so pretty there!
Pagkatapos rumampa ni Kenzie, I thought they were gonna be happy. But they just scolded her. They didn't even ask if she ate. I badly wanna punch them in the face.
Why would they scream at her like that? Don't they notice that she flinches when they scream? Stupid.
-
"Claire, akyat na muna ako kay Kenzie," pagpapaalam ko kay Claire bago umalis sa pool area.
"Dalhan mo ng food si Kenzie ha! Baka nagugutom na," sabi ni Claire at tumango naman ako sa kanya.
I was grabbing some drinks for Kenzie nang biglang nagpantig ang tenga ko.
"Kilala niyo ba yung bagong babae rito? Yung naka cream na dress?" Tanong ni Tyler na pinsan ni Claire.
"Yun ba yung nag-iisang babaeng kaibigan nung jowa ni Claire? Hot as fuck," tumatawa nilang sabi.
"Diba? I'd fuck the shit outta that girl, sarap e," tumatawa nilang sabi.
"Hi Kai, enjoying the party?" Tanong sa akin ni Tyler nang makita niya akong nasa likod nila.
"Not really. Especially when I hear you talking about Kenzie that way," malamig kong sabi and he smirked.
"Why? She yours? Sabi ko naman sayo I'm always down for a threesome," nakangiti niyang sabi sa akin.
"Watch your mouth, sasaksakin ko 'yan ng bubog," nakangiti ko ring sabi sa kanya.
"Do it," sabi niya at lumapit sa akin. Without any second though, binasag ko ang basong hawak ko sa lamesa at lumapit sa kanya.
Nang mahalata niyang isasaksak ko tala ang baso sa kanya, napaatras siya.
"Hey, what's happening?" Tanong ni Claire.
"Ewan ko dyan sa kaibigan mo. Sabi ko lang na masarap si Kenzie, galit na galit na," pagtatanggol niya sa sarili niya.
"Isa pa," sabi ko at sumimangot siya.
"Ano bang pake mo?! Kung gusto kong bastusin si Kenzie, babastusin ko!" Sigaw niya at doon na nagdilim ang paningin ko.
-
"Wala pa si Kenzie?" Tanong ko kila Oli pagdating namin sa bahay para sa Halloween party.
"Ayon na yata," sabi ni Oli sabay turo sa kalsada. I saw her walking with Kentaro at lahat ng madaan niya ay nililingon siya.
My popular girl.
"Hindi ka nagseselos kapag madami tumitingin sa kanya?" Tanong ni Oli sa akin at umiling ako.
"Why would I? Di naman sa kanila baliw na baliw si Kenzie," mayabang kong sagot sa kanya and he smiled.
"You take care of her, okay? Sasapakin talaga kita kapag nalaman kong you hurt her, in any way." Seryoso niyang sabi and I nodded.
Wala naman akong intention na saktan si Kenzie. Ever.
"Hey, where have you been?" I asked while sliding my hand on her waist and she flinched a little.
"What are you doing here?" Tanong niya.
"Eli invited us," I answered and she just nodded. Not interested that I'm here at all.
I feel like something's wrong.
"Ah, okei. i'm gonna go grab something to drink, may gusto ka?" Tanong niya sa akin and I just showed her my cup at iniwan na niya ako at pumasok sa loob kasama si Eli kung saan pinagkaguluhan na sila ng mga tao at kaliwa't kanan ang pagbibigay ng shot.
As usual, all eyes were on her. Wala pa silang 10 minutes sa loob ay mas marami na atang nainom na shot si Kenzie. She even chugged half of a bottle ng Alfonso. Once again, I saw the look on her face. Where everything seems heavy and painful.
Then this girl Jairah came.
"Who's she?" Tanong ko kay Oli at umiling siya.
"She's Eli's older sister. They used to be good friends but Jairah said she liked Kenzie, so they kinda drifted apart," pagpapaliwanag ni Oli.
"Oh, I remember. Naalala ko she was so destroyed when Kenzie rejected her, right? Bigla na lang niya tayong hindi pinansin tapos one day, parang walang nangyari?" Sabi ni Ady sa tabi ko.
I saw how she look at Kenzie. Even the way she acted and touched her. She was always putting her face so close to Kenzie, she'd hold Kenzie's hand, she'd put her hand on her thighs, at panay ang akbay.
Why is Kenzie even allowing this to happen?
Lumalim ang gabi at mas naging lasing si Kenzie, mas naging touchy si Jairah sa kanya.
Nagyaya na si Jay na pumunta sa resort. Habang naglalakad ay naging magkatabi kami ni Jairah.
"Hey, you're with us, right?" Tanong niya sa akin at tinignan ko naman siya.
"Yep. I'm Kai, Kenzie's girlfriend," pagpapakilala ko sa kanya at natigilan naman siya.
"Oh, I didn't know she had a girlfriend," tahimik niyang sabi.
"Now you do, now get your act straight. You're taking advantage of her," sabi ko at inunahan na siyang maglakad para mas makita ko si Kenzie.
I'm so fucking pissed.
-
"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever known," mahina kong sabi while I watch her sleep.
She flinched a little when I placed my cold hands on her face and I felt guilty.
I never thought that we will be here.
Dati pangarap ko lang siya eh.
Dati I just used to watch her from afar tuwing inaantay namin si Claire sa class nila.
I would just stalk her on social media for hours. I kinda felt that I knew her, all those years that she didn't know me. I knew when she was sad. I knew when she finished her favorite series. I knew how much she loves her Alfoncoke.
It was before I was actually in her life when I realized that watching her from afar, didn't really make me know her.
I didn't know then that when she drinks her Alfoncoke, coke ang una niya. I didn't know the reason for her sadness. i didn't know why it was her favorite series.
I'm so glad I do know.
I didn't know you could hurt this much for a person. As much as I want to hear her stories, I'm filled with rage whenever I hear stories where she's wronged and hurt. I don't even know half of her traumas, and I'm already hurting so much for her.
I finally knew, why she was walking around with such weight on her shoulders. Why her eyes are always so full of pain. It was because of all the people who walked all over her.
I hate it so much, they made her life like she's living in a nightmare. She didn't deserve that.
When I think about her being hurt, pleading to be treated right, it makes me so angry.
I want to destroy them all. I want to become all of their nightmare.
"I hope I turned the tables around for you. I hope I made your world colorful again," bulong ko sa kanya.
"I love you so much, I promise to be with you, through it all," bulong ko na naman and I kissed her cheeks.
"Mahal, why are you still awake?" Malambing niyang tanong sa akin while still half asleep at mas niyakap ako nang mahigpit.
"I'll sleep now. Good night, my love. I love you," sabi ko at hinalikan siya sa noo and I saw her smile before she drifted into her sleep again.
I love you, Mackenzie Blanche. Please don't let me go.