"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -Moulin Rouge
Since I'd already said I'd go, I went to Hayden's hockey game with my friends on Saturday. I had no idea where he and I stood and hoped he wouldn't think this meant more than it did. Not that I even knew what I wanted it to mean, but it was a lot of fun being at the game, cheering on him and the guys.
There were also a lot more people there than I expected, I knew Seaport was kind of a hockey school, but the stands were practically full. I thought that would only happen for playoff games or something more important. I still didn't fully understand how hockey worked, but it was exciting and full of action. Once the game started it was like my eyes were glued to the ice, taking everything in.
After the game, I'd texted Hayden to say good job, and he hadn't responded. It was probably because he was too busy celebrating, but I thought he'd at least say something. I didn't have time to think about any of that now though because right now I was walking into one of the most important meetings of my life.
Dr. Fowler, one of the heads of the physics department at MIT was friends with Brian, the head of my research team. She was in town this week, and Brian had organized a lunch for us. Us as in the entire research team, but it was still an in.
MIT's program was incredibly hard to get into, but it would be a dream, and the research Dr. Fowler was working on was exactly the type of thing I'd be interested in. Suffice to say, I was nervous. There weren't nearly as many women in physics or astronomy as there should be, and to work directly with one of my heroes next year would be a dream, so I was going to do everything possible to make a good first impression.
"Can you believe we're about to have lunch with one of the most respected astrophysicists in the country," Reva asked me as we walked into the faculty lounge the lunch was at.
"No," I respond, fangirling with her just a little bit, "I hope I make a good impression, then I'd have a better shot of going there for grad school."
"That's a good point, I hadn't thought that far yet," Reva responded her eyes going wide with stress.
"Relax, you've got some time before you'll be applying to grad school," I respond putting a hand on her shoulder, as she relaxes a little bit.
We're the first two students on the research team to arrive, and I thank god Reva asked me to go in with her, I wouldn't know what to say if it was just Dr. Fowler, Brian, and me.
"Speaking of my students, here's Reva and Cassie, two of our brightest," Brian says as we walk in.
I flash him a big smile, thankful I've worked hard to make a good impression on him the past few years, "Hi, I'm Cassie Bennet, it's an honor to meet you Dr. Fowler, your research on gravitational waves and black holes is groundbreaking."
"Thank you," she replies with a polite smile, "we're very fortunate over at MIT to have the resources to conduct our current simulations around them."
"I heard you're currently collaborating with the computer science department to use machine learning to analyze the gravitational wave data, I'd love to hear more about that," I say, forcing myself to refrain from spitting out every little detail I learned about her research.
"We just began that project actually, I'm surprised you've heard of it."
"I'm applying to grad schools right now, and that project stuck out to me, there's so much potential there to completely change the way we study black holes."
We continue talking about her research, and the way machine learning techniques can be used to study properties of black holes even beyond just their gravitational wave emission. I'm throwing out everything I know on the topic, and still in awe of how much she knows. I feel kind of bad for Reva who's still standing next to me but looks a little bit lost in the conversation we've got going. It's been nearly fifteen minutes, and everyone else is already eating, but we're both very caught up in the discussion. If there's one thing I know, most professors love it when you sound excited about their research.
Brian, who wandered off to talk to some of the other various team members who've shown up walks back up to us, "You better not be poaching one of my best students, I'm trying to convince Cassie here to stay at Seaport for grad school."
Dr. Fowler laughs, "It wasn't my intention, but MIT is the place for minds like hers," she turns towards me, "If this conversation is any indication, you'd be a great addition to our program, and I'd love to have someone like you on my team next year. I don't make the decisions, I'm just a professor after all, but I might be able to put in a good word."
I practically melt as she says the words, it's by no means a guarantee, but someone at MIT thinks I would be a good fit. That's incredible, schools like MIT and the prospect of doing research somewhere where it matters. Somewhere where academics are the focus of the institution, would be life-altering. It helps that their program is better than the one Steven's in too. He got rejected from MIT last year.
She pulls a card out of her pocket, "Feel free to reach out if you ever need anything or want to talk more about the program or research we're doing. Now, enough business talk, I'm starving." With that, she moves to sit down.
Reva and I clutch each other's arms as we move to the end of the table with empty seats.
"Holy shit," she whispers, "Girl you just basically got welcomed to MIT."
"I did not," I reply, "it's so competitive, I just got a foot in the door."
"Who do you think helps make the decisions, if she wants you on her research team," Reva trails off.
I want it so badly, but I won't let myself take it for granted. I have an almost perfect GPA, with all the internships and research that you need to get into somewhere good. But MIT is at another level, a school like that only takes students who are better than perfect. Still, I can't wipe the smile off my face the entire time we're eating. I have an in at MIT.
I ride that high out as I return to the lab to get some work done after lunch. Brian who's usually in the lab going over the simulations we're doing with us is out the rest of the day to catch up with Dr. Fowler, so one of the Seaport grad students is running things.
I'm applying to Seaport's program, of course, but It's probably my last choice. I've loved my time here, but I'm ready for a change, and while their undergraduate program for astrophysics is one of the best on the West Coast, their grad program is just average in ranking. I don't want to spend the next however many years on the same team doing basically the same thing I've been doing, I want something a little more cutting edge and important. A program like MIT would mean I'd be doing groundbreaking work, with some of the smartest people in the country. It would mean I was one of those people.
To get there though, I have to work on my applications and keep my GPA up. This is why as soon as I get back that night, instead of watching TV and crocheting like I really want to, I grab my laptop and get to work on some of the essays I need to write.
Lyra who's deep into her med school essays joins me and we sit on the couch, huddled under too many blankets as we write and exchange ideas. It's nearly midnight by the time we call it quits, and we only do because we both are practically zombies by then.
"Good progress," she says and we do a double high five before going back to our rooms, both looking like utter shit with our hair halfway falling out of what I'd hardly even call a bun at this point, and our blue light glasses on to try to counteract how long we've been staring at screens for.
The plus side to how busy I've been with the lunch and then applications is I've hardly had to think about seeing Hayden tomorrow, or what I'll say, or what he'll say when we do see each other. He never responded to my text, but I also did just kind of leave after we kissed.
Now, for the first time ever I was seriously considering skipping class to put it off. I was standing in my room looking at my closet and absolutely nothing matched the vibe I wanted to put out when I saw him today, but I also didn't know what that vibe was.
I guess I wanted to kiss him again but didn't want it to be a whole thing, but also only wanted that if he felt the same, but didn't want to put myself out there. It was confusing, and I hated being confused. This was exactly the reason I said I wasn't going to date this year, it led to too many issues when I should just be focusing on graduating and grad school.
I walk into our class fifteen minutes early, as usual, and am somewhat surprised to see he's already there. I fully expected him to take his time getting to class so we wouldn't have to have this conversation. Does this mean he wants to talk about it?
"Hey," I say as I awkwardly sit down in my seat, "Good game this weekend."
"Thanks," he replies doing one of those quick grins then back to a frown faces, "I wasn't sure if you'd come to be honest."
"I wasn't sure either, but I'm glad I did. I don't think I really understand hockey, but it was fun to watch."
Then, nothing. We both just sit there and it is awkward as hell, but it's clear neither of us knows what to say and neither of us wants to be the first to bring it up. It's like the world's most awkward game of chicken.
"So," he says after a few minutes, my heart rate accelerates, thinking he'll say something about it, "When should we watch the next movie? Only a few left now."
I sigh, of course, he's not going to say anything, "I'm kind of busy this week, why don't we just watch them on our own." It's a lie, kind of. I am busy, not too busy to watch the movies together.
"No," he responds.
"No," I ask him, kind of shocked that he'd say that so blatantly.
"How about tonight, 7:00," He asks, jaw tight looking ever so slightly smug.
"Fine, I can make that work. Let's do it at my place," I reply matching his tight tone, somewhat annoyed that I don't happen to have plans already. I'll watch a movie with him, but if we go to his place, and end up in his room again. Who knows what'll happen, especially since he's so carefully not bringing it up.
A hint of surprise flashes across his face as I suggest my place, but before he can respond, our professor begins class, and I make every effort possible to look straight ahead. The way I see it, he was the one to kiss me, so he should be the one to bring up said kiss. Especially since he straight-up didn't respond to my text.
When class ends, I try to put my stuff away and get out of the lecture hall before Hayden, but I'm not successful, and he catches me as we're walking out, and pulls me into the nearest doorway.
"A janitor's closet, really," I ask him, as he flicks the light switch in the room on. It's a very small closet, and I feel like the biggest stereotype of all time, being pulled into the janitor's closet.
"I thought this was a classroom," he responds, "If you wouldn't have rushed out of class so quickly we could've talked somewhere less," he trails off and motions to the space around us.
"So you didn't just pull me in here to try to make out with me again," I say accusatorily.
"Oh, so you were there, you are capable of talking about it," he responds the sarcasm in his tone heavy.
"Sorry if I wasn't dying to talk about what happened after you ghosted me."
"What," he asks looking genuinely confused.
I sigh and roll my eyes, "After the game, I texted you, and you didn't respond."
"You mean the 'good game' text," he asks, "Do you know how many of those I get."
"Still," I respond, feeling stupid. I cross my arms, "Do you know how stupid I felt when you didn't text me back."
"I'm sorry," he responds, "I wasn't sure what to say when I saw it, then there was the after party and," he trails off.
The after party? Is he saying he hooked up with someone, "It's fine," I say, my mind going a million places at once, "We made out once, you can hook up with whoever you want after games. I'm not trying to be your girlfriend or whatever." I turn and put my hand on the handle to leave the fucking janitor's closet we're in, and he once again grabs my arm.
"Cassie, shit that's not what I meant. I didn't hook up with anyone at the after-party. I got shitfaced at the after-party because I couldn't stop thinking about how badly I wanted to kiss you again."
My eyes widen ever so slightly, this wasn't at all what I expected him to say, "What," I ask genuinely confused. Hayden hates me, there's absolutely no way he could want to kiss me again. I'm just another girl to him... Right?
"I said," he says, stepping closer to me, "All I can think about is kissing you again. Hearing you moan as my," he doesn't get another word in before I press my lips against his, initiating another kiss.
This one, if possible is even more desperate than the last. Maybe it's the fact that we're literally in the janitor's closet, or that there's so much more tension and anticipation since the last one, but after a half second of confusion, he's devouring me equally as turned on and into the kiss.
My hand makes its way down towards the athletic shorts and he lets out a groan as his hand goes up my shirt. He's pressing me all the way back against one of the walls in the closet. The position is uncomfortable and my back is directly in a broom, but it almost turns me on more. It feels forbidden, and like we could get caught at any moment.
Then, my phone buzzes in my pocket, with a calendar notification, sending us both back to reality. Just as quickly as we were all over each other, we're suddenly standing as far apart as possible in this tiny janitor's closet.
"I should go," I say, "I have lab, and don't you have class?"
"I don't care about class," he responds, "Cassie please don't leave without so much as acknowledging what just happened, again."
"What's there even to say," I respond, showing far more emotion in my voice as it cracks than I'd like.
"I don't know, we've made out twice now, I'd like it to be on the table to happen a third time," he trails off.
"I," I start to say. I could state the obvious, it's complicated, but he knows that. That's why neither of us were eager to discuss it this weekend. Neither of us wants to be in a relationship right now, we don't exactly get along, apparently, the only thing we agree on is that we want to keep doing whatever the hell it is we just did. "Let's just talk about it tonight, when we watch the next movie."
Emotion crosses his face that I can't quite read, "Sure, see you tonight." With that, he walks out of the closet, leaving me standing there for a second processing what just happened, and trying to figure out how he's feeling about all of this.
There's no way he wants us to be a thing, he's going to be in the NHL next year, and I'll be in grad school, neither of us would have any free time and we'd just end up miserable. That's if we even lasted that long and we wouldn't, we argue and challenge each other on everything. We just need to get through the next few weeks of this project, then we can go back to being strangers.
Logically, I know I'm right and that that's what should and needs to happen, but I wipe a few tears out of my eyes as I leave to go to lab.