The closer I get to the sea, the colder it gets. I would zip up Matt's jacket if it wasn't so big. Completely covering my shorts would make it look like I'm walking around half-naked, so I huddle up tight as I scramble over the rocks and reach a sandy pathway to the lighthouse.
The weight of my overthinking presses down on me like the weight of the ocean crashing against the rocks. Matt seemed to have a good time tonight, but I know this group will never truly be his friends. It's one of those unwritten rules, right? You lose friends when you get into a relationship. They drift away or you cut them out, and it's just the way things go.
Standing on the cusp of finally having a group of friends, I guess I couldn't help trying to make Matt see them as his own. I was desperate to hold onto them, to secure them down before they drift away. To keep Nate in my life.
I pause and take in the scenery around me, the craggy rocks and the waves leaving behind waterfalls of sea foam. Spray hits my skin, invigorating and chilled. I wish I could wash my mind clean with the saltwater and scrub away these incessant thoughts.
Thoughts of two different worlds colliding, of Nate and Alex, of whether I should make it easier and step away to avoid a crossfire. Maybe I should just pick a side and stick to it - Matt's side, with the popularity and the parties and the spotlight.
After all, that's what I've been preparing myself for. Long before Nate Miller crashed into my life on a beach I never wanted to be at in the first place.
Maybe I should just drift away and wherever I end up, I end up. Maybe it really is that simple.
"Hey."
My head whips to the voice muffled by waves and wind. I breathe easy when I see Nate pulling on an olive green hoodie as he walks over the rocks.
He tries pushing back his unruly hair, to no avail. "You okay?"
I quickly nod. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, Matt left, and you wandered off all alone." He smoothly hops over the rocks and jumps up to the pathway. "And I know you're not the steadiest on flat surfaces, so you could end up with a cracked skull out here."
"Shut up."
He giggles lightly. Teases lightly. Everything about him is light, and as he sets his glinting gaze on me, I know with certainty that nothing about him is simple. Not as simple as I want it to be.
"Really, are you okay?" Nate asks, stuffing his hands in his hoodie pockets.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Matt's just meeting up with his friends, and I'm just taking a walk. Thinking."
"You do that a lot."
"Think?"
"Zone out."
"That's not the same as thinking."
"You do that a lot, too."
I roll my eyes. "If you're trying to annoy me then it's working."
A soft smile creeps up. "As memory serves, you take walks to think when you're upset. That's what happened at the party, right? Matt left and you took a walk. Just like you're doing now."
"I'm not upset," I say, turning to continue along the path. "I think you're just projecting."
"Projecting what?"
"Your own feelings. You took a walk that night too, and you said you wanted to be alone. So by your logic that must mean you were upset."
The thumps of his footsteps carry behind me, but he doesn't answer. Not instantly. "You're right, I was. And then you showed up, and if you hadn't then I probably would have stayed angry and bummed out all night."
I slow to a stop, turning back to him. The softness of his features only lasts for a second before they harden into cool marble. Blocking off any vulnerability I might have caught a glimpse of.
"Why were you angry and bummed out?"
It's on the tip of his tongue. I can see it. But his eyes are just as hard as the marble, emerald stones lifting above me. "You ever been to the top of the lighthouse before?" He brushes past before I answer, pacing down the path.
"Nate." I follow him literally jogging away from the question, catching up on the skirts of the towering lighthouse. "I don't think we're actually allowed to go inside."
"Allowed?" He shoots me an amused look, lugging the heavy door open. "What, you think some grisly old lighthouse keeper is gonna chase us away with a pitchfork?"
"No, but now I think that."
Nate walks in, his quiet laugh echoing up the peeling walls. "I'll take full responsibility if some crazed dude comes wielding a pitchfork at you. But since these things run by themselves now, I think you're safe."
He leads the way up the creaky spiraled staircase. Up and up until my lungs are burning in protest.
"Why is it that every time I'm with you I end up doing a fricken' workout?" I huff when we finally reach the top.
His hands are splayed low on his hips. "Nothing wrong with getting the blood pumping, DeMarco. Think of it as a warmup for your next lesson."
"Days in advance. Totally makes sense." I lean against the glass dome as he walks around the huge lightbulb, opening the door to the wraparound balcony and letting in a stream of air. "Nope. Putting my foot down here."
Half of him has already stepped out. "For what?"
"I'm not going out there. If I do then I'll look down, and I'm afraid of heights."
"You are?"
I nod and he gives me a measuring look, slowly stepping back in. He then makes his way around the bulb to join me on the other side.
"Weren't so afraid on top of a Ferris wheel," he mumbles.
My head snaps to him. "That was different."
"Mm-hm." The edge of his mouth tics up. I'm surprised he's acknowledged the carnival at all.
I shift back to take in the view, feeling everything melt away from the sight. I didn't think we would be able to see much in the dark, but a glowing blanket of dotted lights is draped from the harbor to the peninsula, houses stretching high and low.
"Wow. You can see half of the town from up here," I say softly. "It almost looks... not like Oceanview."
"In a good way or a bad way?"
"A good way. It looks better like this."
"So you think it looks bad in the light of day."
"Not bad, just... I don't know." I look at Nate's faint reflection on the glass. "I guess I never pictured myself living in a town like this when I was little."
He looks at my reflection. "Where'd you picture yourself living, then?"
"Somewhere that gets cold. Like the mountains, in a little wood cabin or a cottage... nothing but trees for miles."
"Sounds lonely."
"Not if you're with the right person. Snuggled up by the fire with hot chocolate, talking, reading, playing music. Making snow angels together."
"Oh, so sand angels aren't good enough now, huh?"
"They're good enough for Oceanview." I laugh, watching his reflection look down at me.
"Yeah. I guess I can see the appeal if you're sharing it with someone. Otherwise living alone in the cold sounds like a nightmare. I'd never be able to live too far from the coast, anyway."
"Well, you'd probably like snowboarding. It's kind of similar to surfing, if you think about it. Riding slopes instead of waves. A pretty decent substitute."
He theatrically holds his chin. "Lia DeMarco. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to convince me to shack up with you in a snowy little mountain cabin."
"What? No." My heart thumps into my throat. "I'm just trying to get you to... broaden your horizons. You love beach life because you're used to it, but you don't know what you're missing with snow."
"I'm sure," he chimes, scanning over my flushed reaction. "I'll have to take your word for it, though. Might be a tad uncomfortable if I'm sitting by that fire with you and Matt."
His voice is playful, but I avoid his eyes, staring down at the sleeves of Matt's jacket. "Nate, do you think... nothing. Never mind."
"What?"
I scoop up a strand of hair, absently starting a braid. "It's not important."
"Not possible."
My fingers stop, eyes flitting to his. "Not everything I say is important."
"It is to me." His head tilts. "Even if it's about Matt. We're supposed to be friends, aren't we?"
"That doesn't mean I should talk to you about my relationship. It's weird."
"It's only weird if you make it weird."
I drop my braid, along with my reservations. "Okay. Do you think people can be too different to be together? Like if you have totally different interests and backgrounds and personalities? They say opposites attract, but what if that's only on the outside?"
He exhales heavily, eyebrows sinking. "I think being different can be more interesting. It sort of opens up new experiences and stuff. New perspectives."
"But what if I'm not suited for those experiences? What if I'm not cut out for his kind of life?" I counter, tugging at my sleeves. "He came here tonight, but he's partying with his friends now because that's where he really wants to be. And I don't want him to change his life to fit mine. And I don't want to change myself to fit him."
"So what, you'd rather have everything in common? Be so similar that you love doing all the same things?"
"Isn't it easier like that?"
He gives his head a curt shake. "Being similar isn't always a good thing."
"Is that why it didn't work out with you and Alex?"
His shoulders tense, chest stilling. I don't think he knew that I knew about them.
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a/n: yes I'm ending this chapter mid-conversation, and yes the next one will pick up right where we left off. nate is about to spilllll
remember to vote :)