Eileen and I waged a losing battle against dehydration over the next two days. When I wasn't vomiting, I was crying. I felt so helpless and at a complete loss as to what to do. Despite Eileen begging me to tell her what was wrong, I stayed clammed up. On multiple occasions, I heard Eileen having hushed phone conversations with our mother, who was staying in Manchester through the end of the week. I felt terrible for making my family worry but I was too tired and too emotional to deal with it yet.
On Thursday morning, I woke up feeling less nauseous and sore than I had all week. My brain fog had cleared to the point that I suspected my fever had finally broken. All the same, I laid in bed for a long while, staring at the ceiling and turning my dilemma over and over again in my mind. There was no getting around it, I'd fucked up royally and I knew it. I thought back over all the times John and I had made love this summer. I had to admit that we'd grown reckless since that wonderful night in Scotland, where we'd been so overcome by our lust that we'd thrown caution to the winds and foregone any kind of protection, preferring instead to feel the full sensation of each other with nothing between us. It was a revelation which had elevated the experience, and my later conversations about it with Shelley – who had never used any kind of contraceptives at all over just as many years – had convinced me that the dangers may have been slightly hyped by my sister and parents. What a fool I was.
I covered my eyes with my hands, digging my nails into the skin of my forehead in frustration. There was no excuse; I had known better, all along. Hadn't I been there when Dot went through her whole pregnancy ordeal? Hadn't my sister provided me with the tools I needed to protect myself? I wasn't ignorant, I knew the risks. But John wanted it – and I'd wanted it – and I let it weaken me. And now here I was, pregnant, with John hundreds of miles away, finally getting the break he needed to get his music career started. Dear God, what was I going to do?
I rolled onto my side, pulling the pillow over my face and screaming into it.
"Anna?"
I slowly lifted the pillow from my tear-streaked face to see Eileen standing in my doorway, looking tired and worried. "D'ye need something?" She asked gently.
My heart broke. Eileen had selflessly cared for me all week. She'd also consistently tried to protect me from my own young hubris over the last few years and I'd failed her. I couldn't let her find out about this from someone else, she deserved to hear about it from me.
I sat up shakily in bed, licking my suddenly dry lips and summoning every ounce of courage I could find. "'Leen, I...I fucked up. I'm sorry." I said tearfully, my voice barely a whisper. Her eyes widened in surprise and she glanced quickly down the hall toward Daniel, who I could hear babbling to himself in the next room.
"Anna..." She held a hand up, "Let me just...one second..." She raced into the next room and dragged Daniel into mine, dropping a handful of toys on the ground next to him. "Play with these for a mo', luvvie." She crooned, before turning back to me and crossing slowly to my bed, sinking down onto it with a serious look on her face. "I'm so sorry. What is it, luv?"
I was already strongly regretting my decision to say anything but I had to press forward. Taking a deep breath, I dropped the words into the space between us and waited for them to explode, "I'm pregnant."
Eileen just stared at me, her mouth open slightly. I felt my body freeze up as my heart began to race. Finally, she spoke, in a voice scarcely louder than my whisper, "What?"
"Please don't make me say it again." Hot tears pressed against the back of my eyes.
"But...I don't..." She shook her head, "You're sure?"
I nodded, a sob finally escaping my lips as I dissolved into tears again.
"Oh, darling..." Eileen automatically reached out and gathered me into her arms, rocking me back and forth and rubbing a hand across my back. "Shh, shh, it'll be OK, it'll be OK."
When I'd finally cried myself into silence, she gently pulled away from me, smoothing my tangled hair with a soft hand. "Lay down and rest, Anna. This is a conversation that deserves tea. I'm going to make us a cuppa. Will ye be alright for a mo'?"
I nodded, feeling drained. She pushed me back under the covers, drawing the sheet up around my ears. "Danny, can you keep Auntie company for a minute?" My nephew nodded his assent, running over to climb up the bed and plant a sweet kiss on my cheek, then returning just as quickly to his cars and aeroplanes.
I smiled, in spite of myself, and snuggled back under the blankets, grateful for Eileen and feeling some small measure of relief from having unburdened myself to at least one person who mattered. It certainly didn't solve anything but it was a start.
***
"How are ye gonna tell him?" Eileen asked pointedly, sipping her steaming cup and settling back in our dad's favourite leather armchair. I'd ultimately decided to move our conversation down to the sitting room, since I was starting to feel better, though I was still swathed in a fluffy bathrobe and thick blanket on the sofa. Daniel, full of beans, was taking turns placing toy vehicles into each of our laps while we chatted.
"I don't know if I can tell 'im, 'Leen. Not yet. His contract just got extended to the end of November. They're doing really well. This would..." I shook my head. "It would completely throw a spanner in the works."
"Yes, well, babies do that." She said, eyeing her firstborn. "Can't be helped."
"Yeah, but what is he supposed to do?" I argued. "Drop everything and come running back to here to, what, marry me or sommat?" Fat chance that would happen.
"Um, yeah!" Eileen burst out in exasperation, her Scouse accent slipping to the surface. "Ideally! He got ye into this situation, Anna, he needs to take some responsibility for it. Men get too many free passes as it is." She griped, impassioned. "So, yeah, he'd better come back and take care o' ye or I'm gonna have his bollocks." She finished this rant with a delicate sip of tea.
I fought the urge to both laugh and cry at this display of bravado from my sister – I knew there was no way in hell I was going to ask John to cut his Hamburg contract short for me; that was a surefire way to create lasting resentment in our relationship. Additionally, the idea of forcing him to marry me created an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that had nothing to do with my illness.
I looked out the window at the cloudy mist of an autumn morning. "I don't know that I want all that, 'Leen." I said quietly, without looking at her. "At least not right now..."
She paused in the midst of handing a toy to Daniel. "What do you mean by that?"
I turned back to her. "I am so happy that you found Jimmy and that you've created a beautiful family together but...I want other things from my life first."
She fixed me with a piercing stare. "Are ye sayin' that you don't want this baby, Anna?"
I shrunk before her gaze but I knew in my heart that it was true. I had too many other things I wanted to do right now. I nodded, slowly.
She let out a breath and sat back. "It's tough, Anna, but adoption can be arranged." She studied me carefully, a strange expression on her face. "But you need to be sure – it's one of the more painful decisions you'll ever have to make."
I saw an obvious flicker of pain across her features as she said that. "'Leen, I...I just think we're too young..." I trailed off as I saw her face crumple and she was suddenly wiping tears from her eyes. "Eileen? What is it?"
She raised her watery sea-green eyes to me, "Dammit, Anna! I just don't want to see you treat this flippantly! I...you don't know all the trouble I went through to get those condoms for you! I was trying to protect ye from...from all this!"
She set her teacup down on the side table a bit harder than necessary, sloshing a little over the side as Daniel started to cry, reaching up for her and blubbering "Mummy sad."
Lifting him to her shoulder, she composed herself, eyeing me carefully and dropping her voice to almost a whisper. "I had to make these choices, too, Anna, when I was younger than you. I..." She shifted her eyes to the floor, unable to tell me directly. "I got pregnant when I was still in grammar school. It took me ages to realise it and then I only told Mum...she helped me decide that it would be better to give it up for adoption. We'd barely made the decision and I...I lost the baby the next week. I never knew if it was the stress or...I don't know." She took a shaky breath, wiping tears from her flushed cheeks. "Da' never said a word about it to me. I don't know if he even knew."
I was shocked into silence, my mouth hanging open. This couldn't be my perfect sister, Eileen, could it? "'Leen, I...I never knew. I'm sorry."
"You were so young at the time, it was better to keep ye out of it." She said, quietly. There was a beat of silence, broken only by Daniel's sniffling. Shifting him onto her other shoulder, Eileen locked eyes with me again, "Look, Anna, the only reason I'm sharing this is because I want ye to know that I understand, OK? I do. And I want ye to do what's best for you – but just...don't make these decisions lightly because they'll be with ye the rest of your life, either way."
I was struck silent. As I was mulling over Eileen's story, Daniel started whining for food and Eileen shifted seamlessly into mother mode. Setting Daniel on the ground, she heaved herself out of the armchair and then leaned down to swing her son onto her hip. As she passed me, she reached a hand down and squeezed my shoulder, just briefly, but enough to let me know that she cared. As she and Daniel headed for the kitchen, I scrunched down under my pile of blankets and, for the first time, stretched my fingers over my belly, aware of the tiny life that was growing in there. "I'm so sorry." I whispered, choking up. "You'll have a good life, even if it's not with me."
***
That evening, I sat down at my desk and pulled a sheet of paper over. I hadn't yet responded to John's last letter and I knew it'd be suspicious if I waited too long to write back. Staring at the blank sheet, I felt a sense of dread wash over me. I should tell him. He deserves to know. But where to begin?
Dear John,
Are you sitting down? I'm afraid I have some bad news...
I cringed and crossed that out.
Dear John,
I hope all is well and that the Kaiserkeller is proving a big step up from the Indra. Are you more popular than the Hurricanes yet? Things here at home haven't been so great lately, I've been quite ill and have just seen the doctor. The news was surprising
I think you should know that
I'm not asking you to come home yet
Please understand
I don't expect
I frowned at the page with all its crossed out sentences and suddenly crushed it between my hands, balling it up and hurling it across the room. What was I thinking? I couldn't tell him in a letter, there was no way to convey all the emotion and nuance that needed to come through. He might go mad and spend every penny he had just to get back here, breaking his contract and possibly losing his band in the process. Or maybe he'd just refuse to come home at all, so I couldn't trap him into a marriage or life he didn't want. What if he left me? That thought sent a chill down my spine. Eileen was right, there was no guarantee that John would be willing to take responsibility for a child. Especially not now, as the band was finally gaining some momentum. He'd been away for long enough that he could easily wiggle out of the responsibility, claim that I'd been fooling around on him in his absence. There was no way to prove it either way.
I leaned forward in my chair, cradling my head in my hands, thinking. An international phone call was out of the question. I had no idea if he even had access to a phone and it would cost far too much in any case. There was nothing for it, I'd just have to wait for him to come home and tell him face-to-face. I ticked off the months on my fingers, trying to figure out if I might be showing by the time he returned – would he know without me saying anything?
Tiptoeing down the hall, I poked my head into Eileen's room shyly, "Heya...umm...can I ask...when d'ye start, you know, showing?" I made a vague gesture of roundness around my stomach. "Like, when can people tell?"
Eileen put down the book she was reading and glanced over at Daniel, who was napping peacefully on his cot. Turning her eyes back to me, she gave a small sympathetic smile. "Oh, well, I think it might be different for every woman but you can probably start to tell a bit around the end of the fourth month, if you're wearing a slim-fitting shirt. Of course, we're headed into winter now, so wearing thick jumpers and coats will probably let ye skate by for longer."
I nodded. He probably wouldn't be able to tell, then, unless he tried getting me naked. I blushed. Of course, that's probably the first thing he'd try to do. "OK. Ta, 'Leen."
As I headed back to my room, I heard the telephone ring from downstairs. Running down to pick it up, I heard my mother's voice come down the line. "Anna? Hello, darling! Are you feeling much better then?"
"Umm...yeah, mostly."
"We say yes, not yeah, darling. Well, that's brilliant news! I'm just calling to let you know that I'll be home before supper tomorrow and wanted to know if you needed me to pick up anything on the way back? Perhaps we can all have a nice meal together before Jimmy arrives on the weekend to bring Eileen home."
"Yes, Mum, that sounds nice." Inside, my heart began to pound. I had to tell my Mum sooner or later. What would she say? I could already see the disappointment colouring her face. Knowing what I knew now about Eileen's past, I could only imagine what my mother might think when I told her that her second daughter had followed down the same shameful path as the first. Only I wasn't sure that I could redeem myself, as Eileen had later in life. My parents were already disappointed with my unconventional career goals, my choice of romantic partner, and my love of rock n' roll and dancing. This would be another, devastating, strike against me, one that I wasn't sure I could recover from.
***
To my horror, my mother neither yelled nor frowned; instead, her reaction to my confession was to immediately break down in tears. I sat in stunned silence as she let out a sob of anguish and buried her face in her hands, hunched over her knees as she sat beside me on my narrow bed.
Her reaction frightened me so much that I instantly began patting her on the back, offering empty platitudes to try and calm her, even as my own waterworks began to flow in response. "Mum, please don't cry. Mum, please? It'll be OK. It'll be OK, Mum. Come on, please don't cry."
When she finally raised her head to look at me with red-rimmed eyes, she could only shake her head and wring her hands, whispering hysterically to herself. "But why, Anna...why? I...I p-prayed for you! Did we do something wrong? We – we gave you everything and this still...I – I was too soft, wasn't I?" She took a few shuddering breaths, focusing her thoughts. "It's his, isn't it? The neighbour boy's?"
"John, his name is John!" I snapped, feeling a rush of anger. "And of course it's his. He was never just a one night special, Mum...I love him."
She stared at me for a beat and then her face softened as she took another deep, shaky breath. "Oh, luv...we always do."
Her answer hit me like a punch to the gut. The fear and uncertainty that I'd been wrestling with came clawing to the surface again. "Mum, what am I going to do?" I said in a small and wavering voice.
She was silent for a long time. As the initial shock died away, the colour rose on her cheeks as she recomposed herself, reaching forward to draw me into a warm embrace, stroking my hair. "Oh, luv. I–I'm sorry, Anna, I...I lost my head for a moment there. I'm – don't worry, dear, we'll...we'll figure something out." Leaning away, she lifted my chin so I could look her in the eye. "Does he – does John know yet?"
"No, he's...away."
"Would he come back for you?"
"What?"
"If he knew, would he come back to care for you? Would he want this baby?"
I struggled to find the right answer. "I...I wouldn't ask him to."
She held my eyes, searching, before sitting back with a sigh, "Right. I need some time to think about this, Anna. For the moment, please don't say anything to anyone. This must be handled delicately – we don't want the whole neighbourhood gossiping, after all. I'll have to tell your father at some point, of course, but I'll try and think of a plan first." She leaned in and kissed my cheek before rising to her feet. "Chin up, darling, we'll get through this."
***
For the next couple of weeks, I dutifully dragged myself to class and work, mostly keeping my word to my mother to not tell anyone. But with John abroad, Eileen back in London, and my mother hardly speaking to me at home, carrying the secret alone became awfully hard to bear. I broke after a particularly intense study session with my French tutor one afternoon, as she scolded my lazy conjugation and reminded me what awaited on the A-level exam next summer. The realisation that I probably wouldn't even be able to take those exams landed on me like a lead weight and I burst into tears in front of her. Puzzled, the tutor tried to walk back some of her harsher comments, but I grabbed my bag and made a hurried excuse to leave. Wandering aimlessly through downtown, my feet finally led me to Boots, where I could see Dot behind the counter in the back. She smiled as she saw me come in and waved me over. "Hi, Anna! Alright?"
Her face fell as she saw my blotchy, tear-stained cheeks as I drew closer. "It's been better, Dot." I admitted quietly.
"Oh no! What's happened?"
"Any chance ye can beg off early? I could really use a friendly ear."
"I'll...I'll check."
Ten minutes later, we were facing each other across a black metal table in the nearest café, over a pot of tea and plate of biscuits. Dot poured the tea, fixing me with a look. "Alright, then, Anna, out with it. What's up?"
I took an overly large sip of the scalding tea to avoid having to answer right away. My tastebuds screamed in protest. Recovering quickly, I shook my head miserably. "Dot, I'm in trouble."
She raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "When ye say 'trouble'..."
"I mean trouble like...like you were in. Back in the bandstand."
Both her eyebrows shot upward as her mouth fell open slightly.
"But it seems now the roles are reversed." I finished with a melancholy smile, dropping my eyes to the table in shame.
"But – Anna, how? You were always so..."
"Careful?" I laughed bitterly. "Yes, except when I wasn't."
Dot sat back in her chair, stunned. "Oh, Anna, I...I don't know what to say. I'm just...sorry this is happening to you."
"Thanks, Dot. I'm so muddled up about it all."
She nodded, her face full of sympathy. We let the silence stretch between us as we sipped our tea. I fiddled with a biscuit but couldn't bring myself to eat it.
"I have to ask the obvious question." Dot said, finally. "Have ye told John yet?"
I chewed on my lip for a minute, finally shaking my head no. "I can't tell him in a letter, Dot, it doesn't seem right. I tried over and over again to put it down on paper and it all sounded terrible. He'll be completely freaked out, I – I have to tell him in person."
She nodded. "I can understand that. But does that mean ye have to wait all the way until December?"
"I s'ppose so. I can't ask him to come home now, things are going so well for them. It's not fair."
"Right." Her face softened. "What d'ye think he'll say?"
Both of us knew the subtext underlying her question. John wasn't like Paul, he wasn't prone to grand gestures of romance. He would never in a million years play a love song to me on bended knee in front of a room full of people. I knew he loved me, but, for him, our love was a private thing, not privy to the rest of the world. Was his love strong enough that he'd be willing to take responsibility for the consequences of it? Become a father? Hold down a steady job? Bind himself to me for the rest of his life?
"I don't know, Dot."
She reached across the table and took my hand, "He loves you so much, Anna. He'll do the right thing, I know it."
"I don't know."
After making Dot swear up and down that she wouldn't tell anyone, I left the café and caught the bus home. My thoughts were swirling round and round my head as I curled up in the back seat on the top level, John and my old spot. I thought about all those morning bus rides to and from school together, talking a mile a minute about records, books, school, and dreams. I couldn't believe that barely two years had passed since those carefree days. I didn't feel so carefree anymore. In fact, I mostly felt old and scared.
When I walked in the house, I felt an instant sense of unease. It was quiet, but there was a tension hanging in the air that I didn't like the feel of. I heard a rustle of papers from the sitting room, followed by my father's voice, sounding cold and business-like. "Anna?"
My whole body tensed, caught totally off-guard. Stepping out of my shoes, I slowly walked to the open doorway to the sitting room, lips pressed tightly together to keep them from trembling. My father was sitting in his armchair, eyes hard behind his reading glasses, a discarded newspaper at his feet, and a tumbler of whiskey in one hand. He waved me forward, "Come in here."
Mutely, I walked toward him, pausing a few feet away. "H – Hello Da'." I whispered.
"Your mother and I had a conversation about you today." He said, flatly. "I understand that you find yourself in some trouble." That word again. Trouble. Such a short word that didn't begin to describe what I was in.
My throat constricted, making it hard to speak. "Um...yes, that's true." I managed to choke out.
He closed his eyes for a moment, slowly reaching up and removing his glasses with his free hand and tossing them onto the end table. He let out a long breath before opening his eyes again and locking them on me. "I suppose I don't need to spell out for you how utterly ashamed and disappointed we are?"
I felt the heat rise in my cheeks as I shook my head, feeling the corners of my eyes fill with water.
"I told you repeatedly that that lad would be nothing but trouble for you and now look what's happened. You've been irresponsible, willful, and deceitful. I tried to trust you, Anna. I gave you freedom and let you make your own decisions and this is the payoff – shame and embarrassment for our whole family. Well, no more." He stood suddenly, draining the rest of his whiskey and dropping the tumbler carelessly onto the end table.
"I'm going to go next door to let that lad have a piece of my mind. I'm going to tell him what I should have told him from the beginning; that he is to stay away from me and my family and that if I catch him with my daughter again, I will have him arrested for rape."
"Daddy, no!" I lunged at him as he took his first few strides toward the door, latching onto his elbow. "He isn't even there, Dad! He's abroad, he's been abroad for two months now." I began to sob, "Please don't turn this into a circus. It's bad enough."
"Damn right it's bad enough!" He roared, turning on me with flashing eyes. "Do you have any idea what the other families on the street think of us already? Unable to control our wild daughter, staying out late, drinking and dancing, gallivanting with unsavoury beatniks and rock and roll gangsters! Smoking cigarettes, wearing trousers, and spending the night with men! You think you've been sneaky, you think you'll never get caught, but in the real world, Anna, people see you! They see and they talk. And your reputation was sullied the second you started seeing that lout. And this is the last straw – I put up with your shenanigans for long enough, because I loved you. Because I still saw brilliance beneath your antics. I thought you'd grow out of all this behaviour, that you'd get serious as university exams approached, because I believed that you wanted that, Anna, I thought that was your dream! But apparently you didn't care about it more than your fun life here, with your deadbeat boyfriend. And now you'll have to pay the price."
I'd fallen away from him, tears streaming down my face, as he bit into me with his diatribe. But now he reached out, clamping a firm hand onto my upper arm and steering me toward the stairs. He frog-marched me up and threw me into my room. "Start packing." He said, coldly. "We can't have you here anymore in your condition. Your mother has arranged for you to stay with your Aunt Peg in Kilbarchan until the baby is born. There are adoption networks in Glasgow that you can work with. We'll tell the neighbours that you're studying abroad for a time." He paused for a moment, letting that all sink in. Reaching for the doorknob, he caught my eyes one last time. "Don't come home until you've dealt with this, Anna, and are ready to rejoin this family as an adult. You're not a child anymore. Do you understand?"
My chest heaved with the shuddering breaths I was taking, my hand clutching the bedpost for stability. "Yes, sir." I whispered. "Yes, I understand."
"Good." And, with that, he pulled the door shut firmly behind him, leaving me shaking in his wake.