Before the Olympics, we were set to verse Norway in a friendly game, before heading across the world to Tokyo. I had never been to Japan before and even though I was excited, I knew it would be hard. It was suspected to be incredibly strict. The Covid rules meant that no crowds were going to be in the stands, and no family would be able to make the journey.
It was our team's first Olympics, and it was to be difficult. We all knew that.
We went to camp mid mid-June, and I settled with the girls around me. I could move my mind away from what was happening in Germany and focus on the here, and the now. I could focus on this team. My team.
"Guess who we are playing tomorrow!" I said to Jill, as we lay on my bed.
"You're so stupid."
"No, I am not."
"Yes, you are." She hit a pillow over my face, and I nearly fell off the bed.
"You are going to regret that Jill Jamie Ro-" but the door soon started to knock, and after a quick glare to Jill, I stood up to open the door to Viv who came walking through.
"Why is there a pillow in your hand?" Viv asked.
"I was smacking Jill over the head with it," I replied, earnestly.
"Oh. Alright. Well, don't let me stop you." I ran over to Jill before jumping on her and smashing the pillow on her face.
"But how are you feeling?" I asked Jill. "Are you guys official yet?"
"No, Milly. Not at all. We're just talking." I saw Viv's look, and I knew there was more that Jill was too scared to say. Scared that if she did, it would all turn to shreds.
"Hm, if you say so."
The next day we went out to play against the Norwegians.
I sat in the locker room beforehand, looking at my jersey with the 7 and Bakker printed so clearly. So effortlessly. Maybe things would feel different if my real last name was there. But I knew that thought was far gone now. It was too late for change.
I started on the right, with Viv as the central striker. Jill was in the midfield, along with Daan, and Lieke. Our team had world-class players all along the pitch, and we knew we had to make the last few weeks with Sarina worth it. We wanted to win the gold for her. There was so much for us to achieve.
Coming up against Norway, we had things to prove.
Eva Valtersen was in the midfield, with Ingrid and Frida Maanum. Them three alone could be an unstoppable trio. But Norway's defense was always their downfall.
We scored first. Jill cut the ball through to Viv who finished so cleanly. I scored the second, just before halftime. I was supposed to cross it into the box from the wing, but it fell into the goal. I tried claiming that it was on purpose, but all the girls knew, laughing as we celebrated.
In the second half, Norway had a point to prove. Eva Valtersen streamed the ball down the pitch, moving to her left wing. I went in for a tackle, pushing the ball out for a throw-in. She was on the ground; not rolling around, or doing anything too dramatic, but just sitting still.
"Sorry," I said, giving her my hand, but she didn't take it. She smiled at me, as if to tell me that she wasn't angry, but stood up herself, and the game soon continued.
Viv scored again, giving us a 3-0 lead, but not before Jill scored a goal of her own.
We won the game convincingly, after an own goal from one of their defenders, and Daan got one for herself.
After the match, we shook everyone's hands, besides Eva's to which Ingrid told me not to worry about. There's a deeper story there than anyone would realize, and I knew in situations like that not to question. Everyone has their demons. It is not my place to question those.
I stood with Viv in the middle of the pitch, and we looked over to see Ingrid and Jill sitting beside each other on the bench. There was something so soft between them, but I couldn't quite describe it. It was unsettling but also calming, all at the same time. They were both so comfortable in themselves, that it was easy to find that peace in someone else as well. They knew who they were. They didn't need to like someone else to prove it to themselves.
"I swear, those two, are eye fucking each other at the moment," I said to Viv, who laughed in response.
"Oh for sure."
"Has she said much to you about her?"
"Not much, just that she thinks she likes her."
"Thinks? Are we seeing the same thing at the moment?" Viv chuckled, wrapping her arm around my shoulders, and walking us both back inside.
"Yes, but we know what Jill's like. She's stubborn. Won't admit something like that."
"I've never heard you say anything more true."
Over the next few weeks, we continued to train ready to head across to Japan. I had a few messages from Lena, but I kept forgetting to reply.
Lena: I'm sorry about what happened.
Lena: Bakker?
Lena: hm where are you?
Lena: I don't like being left on read Mila!
I chuckled at the messages knowing I needed to call my friend before things turned to shreds.
"Hey," I said into the phone, the day before we were to head to Tokyo.
"Well, rather late than never," Lena laughed.
"Sorry. I've been a bit preoccupied."
"How are you?"
"I'm okay. How are you?"
"I'm okay."
"Are we okay?"
"Why wouldn't we be?" It wasn't as if I was scared, to be honest with her it was more that I was scared about what was going to change. Would anything change? I didn't know.
"What are your plans for the next few weeks?" I soon asked her.
"Not much. Waiting for my friends to get back." I chuckled softly.
"It's just me and Becks that are gone," I laughed.
"Yeah, you're my friend though." There was something soft there. I wasn't sure what it was. But it wasn't surface level. It was deeper.
"I guess I am."
"You guess?"
"I don't know, Lena!"
"Why'd you call me Obi, the other week?"
"That's your name."
"Yeah. It is."
"And I'm just your friend, too." I put too much emphasis on the just. I knew I did. Lena didn't say anything for a while, and just as I was about to speak, Jill came in. "I've gotta go, Lena. I'll talk to you later, yeah?"
"Uh okay. Bye, Mila."
"Bye."
Jill walked in, looking confused, but soon jumped on my bed.
"I love her," Jill said, looking up at the ceiling.
"Oh god, you're smitten."
"Maybe I am."
"Maybe? Girl, you are so smitten."
"Yes, okay. What do I do?" Jill asked.
"Well, isn't it perfect? You are coming to Wolfsburg, and she is at Wolfsburg. It'll all work out." Jill stared at me, her eyes looking at mine as if there was something I didn't know.
"She hasn't told you?" Jill asked.
"Told me what?"
"You should talk to Ingrid."
"What about?" I questioned.
"It's not my place.
"Jill..."
"Just, call her. She'll tell you."
Jill walked out, and I grabbed my phone which I nearly threw on the ground after hanging up with Lena, needing to call my friend. My closet friend from Wolfsburg. Ingrid was the one who welcomed me in with open arms when I arrived. I was the youngest in the squad, with no idea what to do or who I was going to become. She helped me settle myself, and find my place in the team. And without her or Frido, I don't know if I would've made it past the first week, let alone the first two years.
I rang her phone, with it buzzing once, twice, before the line picked up.
"Hey, girl!" Ingrid said.
"You have something to tell me?" I said, bluntly, but with a softness to my voice.
"Ah, she has told you?"
"No, she said I had to ask."
"Well, okay. Deep breath Mila but I'm leaving."
"WHAT?" I nearly fainted.
"I got an offer from Barca."
"First Frido and now you?!" I exclaimed.
"I'm sorry," she said to me, "they made an offer and I just knew it was right for me."
"Oh, Ingrid, I'm so happy for you."
"I'm sorry, about leaving you."
"Oh, I'll be fine! I'll miss you guys but this is so exciting. And you get to go with Frido too." I could sense her smile through the phone, and even though everything I was saying was true, I knew I'd miss them both.
"But on a side note," I soon started to say, "You and Jill?!" I heard Ingrid's chuckle, and I could sense her red cheeks.
"It's new."
"Not to me."
"What do you mean?" Ingrid asked.
"Don't worry, don't worry. Well, I'm happy for you guys."
We soon hung up the phone, and I had to finish packing up my room. Viv came in, helping me finish up as she knew I hated packing and would often forget things in my room.
"How do I deal with everyone leaving?" I asked her, as we folded my clothes.
"What do you mean?"
"Sometimes I feel like everyone is leaving me," I laughed, trying to hide my sadness.
"Who's left?"
"Frido, and now Ingrid." Viv looked at me, with careful eyes.
"People leave and others come back. It's normal. It's a part of life. And besides, Jill is leaving me for you! So you're going to have her." I looked at Viv with a chuckle, nodding my head.
"I guess so."
The next day we flew across to Japan to get prepared for the Olympics. We had our own rooms for most of the tournament, and it was chaotic. We were in a group with Brazil, China and Zambia.
When we won the first game of the tournament by scoring 10, we knew we were going to be strong. Viv scored four, in one match, I scored two, Jill scored one and the other were shared between the rest of the girls. It was an interesting match, as Zambia scored three themselves.
But in the end, we got the three points.
That was all we needed.
The next game ended up being a 3-3 draw to Brazil, in which Viv scored another brace, and I bagged the third myself. Even though Viv was staring at most of our goals and games, I felt myself playing with so much freedom myself. There was nothing to lose here.
In our final group game, we won 8-2, with Viv scoring two again, myself scoring two, Lieke scoring two, Vic scoring one and Shanice scoring the other.
We were through to the quarters where we would be playing against the US.
The night before the game, I went wandering through the village with Jill beside me. We spotted too many people who were recognizable in the world of sports. As we wore our iconic orange, we saw the green and gold of the Aussies, the red, white, and blue of the Americans, and the black of the Kiwis. Everyone was there because they were the best of the best. There was no doubt that there was determination in each person who made it to the village.
"I'm scared that I'm being an idiot," I said to Jill, as I started to speak.
"What about?" she asked.
"I don't know, I-" but I soon cut myself off. We saw in the distance two girls, in the green and gold, shouting at each other.
"Is that...?
"Tippah and Ellie." They looked angry. Jill and I only knew them from socials, having not played against either of them in a while. But everyone knew of Ellie and Tippah. They were the high school sweethearts who traveled the world with each other, but from all I could see, there were serious tensions that loomed between them both.
"Tipp, you have to stop!" Ellie exclaimed.
"Just don't!"
"No, you need to look after yourself!" Ellie retorted. I grabbed Jill's hand knowing it wasn't right to listen to an argument like this. We headed back to the hotel before I could vent my heart anymore.
We played the next game, and we were all nervous. So much was riding on this. We had to come up against the US, who was number 1 in the world. We didn't like that this is how it played out: we topped our group, and that meant having to come up against the best in the world.
But we knew we couldn't complain. This was how things worked sometimes.
The game played out peculiarly. I assisted Viv for the first, but the US fought back, scoring two goals in three minutes. We equalized before the end of the 90, and after 30 extra minutes, it was straight to penalties.
"Everyone take a breath," Viv said to us, bringing us all down to earth. "Whatever happens happens." We knew she was right, but my gut was filling with nerves. I knew it was now or never.
It was time.
Our time.
Viv went up to take the first penalty, my arms around all the girls beside me wearing our orange. I had faith in her; I'd always have faith in her.
She took her penalty, and even though it was a great shot, the American keeper, on full stretch, saved the shot, pulling it in towards her. The look on her face was something I never wanted to remember. I walked up to her as she came back towards us.
"It's okay." I saw her eyes swell, and I knew that there was still a chance for us. There always would be.
The US player scored their goal, meaning they were leading 0-1.
We scored, through Dominique, and so too did US. 1-2.
We scored again, as Stefanie slotted the goal, but once again the US did too.
It was my turn to go up. I had to score this. If I didn't, we were out. We were done.
As I lined the ball on the spot, I looked back towards my teammates, knowing everything rested in this.
I took three deep breaths, before trying not to overthink it. I slotted it low, and hard to the bottom corner, but the heroics of the keeper meant it was saved. We were out. I stood still, not sure what to do. I felt tears swell in my eyes but I wanted to keep strong. I couldn't collapse. This couldn't be it. I turned around to see my teammates disappointed strung between them. Life was crashing.
This was how we were leaving the Olympics.
This was how we were leaving Sarina.
"I'm sorry," I said to them all. Jill protected me in the huddle, not letting any cameras come close to my face, and even though I was asked to be interviewed, I was hidden away from any of the reporters. I couldn't do it.
All I wanted to do was go home.
Was to leave.
We all left the village the next day, heading to different corners of Europe to relax and break before preseason. I was supposed to go back home to see my father, and then head to London to see Ivy, but I couldn't.
I needed to go back. Needed to go back to her.
I knew she was the only person who could make me feel better. Through all the hurts, harms and horrors, and questions about life I knew I'd never find the answer, she could make it all better.
Did I know what it meant? No.
Did I want to know? Yeah.
But right now, I just needed to go home.
Go to Germany.
note:
- oml sometimes i find writing really easy and other times i can not do it. today was an example of the latter. anyways, please enjoy shit writing x
- second! r we all down for a flem jersey? i already have a guro one so i want a diff gal this time.
- i also didn't read through this (like normal)
- also I'm sorry if i was unclear but MILA IS DEFINITELY DUTCh. i had a few people being like girl is she german? no no shes dutch. do not fret. i didn't forget her nationality. i must have written really badly last chap so soz xx
- also what do we think is going to happen w our two little favs lena and mila? hows that going to pan out do we think...
- ALSO we r coming to season 21/22 meaning the entrance of a few new names hehe