A/N: Enjoy because this story is not over *stock sound of kids celebrating*
We begin in Alaska (I think), following a certain person with a Barry B. Benson profile picture. The figure was on their phone and found an article titled, 'Faaline, internationl crime-inal, apologizdeeedss 4 criems, lol' (The typos are intentional). "Oh no," said Amber, "It's time to reassemble the A(uthor's Totally Original Characters)..."
*Opening Title Sequence Plays*
Faline is watching anime when a breaking news update is on the TV. "Hmmm, I wonder what this could be about," says Faline, hoping that his god, the Kool Aid man, has risen from his grave deep under the sea (faline lore game theory?).
"We have breaking news, a message was written and sent to everyone in the world," said the news person.
The message read, 'This is faline, she is a 16 year old ugly demented useless ch(urro), she is insecure and hides herself in all of her posts she puts on a mask to hide her inner misery and humility. She copes and plays off that she isnt bothered by all the hate she gets, her fans lie to her, saying she is beautiful so she doesnt h(eh) herself, people fabricate and act like she is pretty when really they talk about her ugly nymph soybi(cuh) as(teroid) behind her back. Now to Faline, how about you just k(*k noise i think*) yourself? Then you can stop living with the mortification and disconcertment you feel when someone sees you without a mask. Maybe do everyone a favor and ingest bleach you microcephalic humanoid f(rick)wad, you will forever be a ugly useless (slurs and swears) hiding behind a mask.'
Faline stood up in shock *War flashbacks*, he remembered. "AW, H(ECKLING) NAW!"
Fal had to prepare, for winter was coming (GoT reference, LETS GOOOOOOOOOO). "Mom!" Faline yelled to his mother across the country, "MOOOM!"
Mother San's neck extended as her head had entered the room, "What is it, Faline? *Creepily smiles (MeatCanyon video?)*"
"Can I have a gun?" asked a very reasonable Faline San.
*Mother San barfs out the gun* "Here you go honey."
Faline then banishes his mother from his room. "Ah now I am prepared for a war. Wait what, *gasps quietly* I don't have any ammo. Oh no, how am I going to get that Fortnite Battlepass?"
Faline thought, 'I should probably go to 'Murica and maybe I'll get the s(tuff) I need. But in order to go to 'Murica I have to fit in... I know!' *Faline Cartman-ifies* Faline thought it was cool but then realized he was becoming more racist than Boo-Boo *Faline un-Cartman-ifies* *Faline Chadifies*. "Tf? Author, I'm already a gigachad," complained Faline. My mistake.
While Faline is doing whatever a Faline does, the A(pplebee's) are hatching a scheme.
A/N: I will make fanart of Faline Cartman, no, you can't stop me.